FreeingMyself

I am beyond frustrated tonight. I have REALLY distanced myself from the craziness, but today and yestesrday I let him get to me. He always makes me feel like he is justified in what he says and does. I still find myself trying to explain in a rational way that I can't deal with his actions - his response still always being to stop living in the past. He kept saying on the phone tonight, you are being such a "you know what" - and then I said saying that is no difference and kept saying I didn't say the word. REALLY!!! What are we 2, so you can imply it, but if you don't say it that's different. I tried to express that I am afraid of him when he is mad. Then he said - you should be, you should be scared s***less etc. Then he acts like that is normal!! He is just joking.....yeah right. The problem is, that I let him get to me. I let him in my HEAD....and allowed him to make me doubt my ability to take care of myself and my knowledge of what I know happened and what is right vs. wrong. I let him convince me once again that I did something that 'made' him this way - even though I know he didn't. I have READ SO MUCH about the cycle of abuse - and he fits it to the T........I am SO MAD at myself for not being stronger, for not knowing when to just hang up, for not remembering that rational conversation is NOT in him........tomorrow is a new day though, and maybe I just needed a reminder!!

Live

I am sorry. It has happened to me too, more times than I care to count.
It gets better...glad you could come here and get some of it out!

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

SheCanRun

FM I found that I can only be strong and not triggered when I have NO contact with STBXAH. Not even email. After almost 8 months we are not even exchanging email. And it is good for me.

He and I had a brief encounter in our home (I no longer live there) after court. He made an accusation that was absolutely untrue. I completely flipped out... yelling at him. I didn't even realize I was yelling until he said something. His sister was there. She must have thought I was nuts.

I am grateful I no longer have to see, talk or deal wih him.

bookwyrm

Don't beat yourself up! Give yourself some credit for realising what's going on! For me, it was a long slow process that resulted in my being under his control and it will take me time to fully be free - it won't happen overnight. I was all too easily shaken in my confidence by XAH - it's why no contact has been a lifesaver for me!