He gets his fix and I stay to get mine.............

Old 10-26-2010, 03:16 PM
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He gets his fix and I stay to get mine.............

It occurred to me, I stay because he is my addiction. My addiction. Help me with my addiction sober recovery family. My mind needs to comprehend this in order to move forward.

Thank you.
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Old 10-26-2010, 03:25 PM
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Drugs, alcohol, and sick men were my addictions.

After I got clean/sober, I still hooked up with dysfunctional men because I wasn't ready to give that addiction up for several years, and you can throw sex in with that addiction.

Alanon was a lifesaver for me. Two books that have helped me immensely are "Codendent No More" by Melody Beattie (she has a whole series), and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I've also been in therapy off and on over the years.

My name is DeVon, and I was addicted to mood-altering men.
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Old 10-26-2010, 03:37 PM
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well, like any addiction...detox!

i totally relate

however at a certain moment, the lies, treachery, cheating, betrayal and not being able to believe a word he said became too toxic for me.
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Old 10-26-2010, 08:45 PM
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Oh man! I was just pondering this very idea this morning, Ilovem. My HP must have known you would post this today.

I've just discovered that my dependence on my EX as my drug of choice was about my insatiable need that I have had since childhood to be right in many ways and it wasn't just being right that I wanted. I wanted to be acknowledged on a grand scale that I was right, that I told them so, that I had the answers that were being sought, and above all that when someone told me I was wrong or that I had done something wrong when I knew I hadn't, that they deserved to apologize to me for the great injustice.

You know how they say that it's okay if no one believes the truth because you and God know the truth, well that just never held water with me. It never counted until it was known and accepted by all parties. No exceptions. I could never let things go.

Kinda crazy, right? What the heck does that have to do with my XABF being an alcoholic?? Well, absolutely nothing. Because it wasn't about him being an alcoholic that fed my addiction, it was his denial that he had any kind of problem at all. It was the fact that he abdication all of his obligations in life to me that got me off. The fact that I was the grand enabler that held his pitiful drunk self in the palm of my hands. He couldn't survive without me so I thought and he should agree me with especially about what I think his biggest problems are, right??

He was a drunk, and I was going to prove it to him come hell or high water and by the time I sought recovery, it wasn't just about him admitting it either, it was about him going through recovery, making some serious amends, coming out to his family and announcing in all ways significant that Alice the Great was Right!!!

{cue the maniacal laughter here}

Ok, now I ask you, how much of a control freak, power junky, supressed little dictator am I???? Big one...seriously....big one!!

What kept me staying for 10+ years? Well, I realize now that whenever he would break down and sob for forgiveness for whatever wrong he'd done the night before, I got my fix. Whenever his family would confide in me that they thought he had a problem, I got my fix. Whenever I vented to my family or friends about his problem and they told me how sorry they were for me and how I was right and he was wrong, I got my fix. He was an endless supply to my addiction. Like having a drive-up dealer in my kitchen open all hours day or night.

When I left him, I had a lot of problems, none of them I thought were withdrawal. I am learning more every day, though.

So that's my experience with it. I'm sure I seem fired up about it but really I'm just proud of my revelation. I'm trying not to gloat to myself that I was right all along, though, cuz that just seems to defeat the purpose. LOL!

Keep diving into what's driving you in your relationship with your addict. That's all part of taking your own inventory and it's an evolving process. It's well worth the effort. Recovery is a wondrous thing!

Alice
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:15 PM
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I am glad you realize this.
Reading SR is like a window to the future-you see people suffering endlessly, after many losses - you see people satisfied and peaceful - just decide which one you want? "get busy living, or get busy dying" is something I have learned here.

So you choose to live? which is the support system you have that will help you "become sober"? besides SR what else do you have?

When I left I just resorted to SR for months. I wish I had asked for help sooner.

2 years forward and 2 years of NO PERSONAL CONTACT.The guy is the same drunk jerk he has always been.



I am starting to find and heal myself. This is priceless. I am so thankful, and happy, I am a person free of addictions. I am finding joy and feeling so much better compared to the rest of my life. Of course I am in the process and there are many things I need to change, etc. But overall I feel BLESSED I did not chose to stay for more.

What has worked for me lately, besides books, REAL FRIENDS, SR, Alanon literature, therapy, is to remember myself as a small girl. Go grab a picture of iloveme when she was small, very small. Look at her often.

You are in charge of her destiny. Your pain now, is nothing compared to the decades of hell awaiting if you go on. Just look at the sad glances in AA/alanon, the weariness, the illness, the senseless suffering. That small iloveme does not deserve that. Become her friend, heal.. (IMHO a professional is the only one that can guide you through this), become stronger, share your journey with us...





Imagine a huge room FILLED with gifts of all sizes (that was an actual dream of my mom)... all colors, all shapes... all that is going to be yours -- if you are brave. If you are consistent... any moment of joy you have known before will be nothing compared to the joy you will experience, if you give yourself that chance. Because you will be walking towards the light of HP and there is no greater love, there is no greater joy than the one HP provides.
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:27 AM
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Today, is all I have to make the choice to break the silence and stand up for that little girl who is sad and lonely and scared. Who sits alone behind her deep brown eyes fearful of the bottle who steals her dreams. Only I can make a difference for the little girls who look to me confused, angry and alone. I am determined. I am silent no more.
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by iloveme View Post
Today, is all I have to make the choice to break the silence and stand up for that little girl who is sad and lonely and scared. Who sits alone behind her deep brown eyes fearful of the bottle who steals her dreams. Only I can make a difference for the little girls who look to me confused, angry and alone. I am determined. I am silent no more.
That is such a poetic and beautiful statement.

gentle hugs
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