Ohhh...how I let him get in my head!!
I am beyond frustrated tonight. I have REALLY distanced myself from the craziness, but today and yestesrday I let him get to me. He always makes me feel like he is justified in what he says and does. I still find myself trying to explain in a rational way that I can't deal with his actions - his response still always being to stop living in the past. He kept saying on the phone tonight, you are being such a "you know what" - and then I said saying that is no difference and kept saying I didn't say the word. REALLY!!! What are we 2, so you can imply it, but if you don't say it that's different. I tried to express that I am afraid of him when he is mad. Then he said - you should be, you should be scared s***less etc. Then he acts like that is normal!! He is just joking.....yeah right. The problem is, that I let him get to me. I let him in my HEAD....and allowed him to make me doubt my ability to take care of myself and my knowledge of what I know happened and what is right vs. wrong. I let him convince me once again that I did something that 'made' him this way - even though I know he didn't. I have READ SO MUCH about the cycle of abuse - and he fits it to the T........I am SO MAD at myself for not being stronger, for not knowing when to just hang up, for not remembering that rational conversation is NOT in him........tomorrow is a new day though, and maybe I just needed a reminder!!