Is anyone here?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 83
yes, my world is just feel like its falling down around me. I thought my marriage might have a chance now I see its over. See my post below about how long I should give him. Later tonight we talked about what he did with the credit card and how he had no where to go. I told him that he either needed to start paying for the apartment or get out. Seems silly. But Im in the apartment with my cats for the firtst time in a week and now I realzize I might not be coming back here. I don't know what to do and can't stop crying.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Are you alone in the apartment? He's not there right?
What you need is a hug, can you call a friend or family to come over and just be with you. More people care than might seem apparent right now.
I'll be right back: I'm going to go find something on another thread and bring it here.
What you need is a hug, can you call a friend or family to come over and just be with you. More people care than might seem apparent right now.
I'll be right back: I'm going to go find something on another thread and bring it here.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
BklynGrl,
I remember being frightened, in a panic, not knowing what was going to happen next. I found some comfort in writing down my worst fears. I took all of those unknowns that were big and hairy and scary and I carried them all the way out to the end. Once I did that, I realized that most of what I worried about was either out of my control or wasn't really going to happen.
I also had some good friends lined up whom I could call... those friends who would mostly listen and say "there there" etc. I didn't really need their advice, I just needed someone to listen to me.
And finally, I got some good books: Courage to Change One Day at a Time in Al Anon, How It Works, Paths to Recovery, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage - all really good Al Anon books, along with Co Dependent No More. I found if I was reading, I wasn't worrying and futurizing....
It helps to take some deep breaths, hug and pet the cat, take a bubble bath and be extra gentle with yourself. And know that we are here.
I remember being frightened, in a panic, not knowing what was going to happen next. I found some comfort in writing down my worst fears. I took all of those unknowns that were big and hairy and scary and I carried them all the way out to the end. Once I did that, I realized that most of what I worried about was either out of my control or wasn't really going to happen.
I also had some good friends lined up whom I could call... those friends who would mostly listen and say "there there" etc. I didn't really need their advice, I just needed someone to listen to me.
And finally, I got some good books: Courage to Change One Day at a Time in Al Anon, How It Works, Paths to Recovery, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage - all really good Al Anon books, along with Co Dependent No More. I found if I was reading, I wasn't worrying and futurizing....
It helps to take some deep breaths, hug and pet the cat, take a bubble bath and be extra gentle with yourself. And know that we are here.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Do you have a friend to come sit w/ you? You are going to be ok.It hurts. but you will get through it. Can you do some deep brething?Try to get out of your head and feel your body..can help you calm down and think a little clearer.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
I found it: this is beautiful.
Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too.
If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help.
You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you.
After awhile, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.
Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too.
If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help.
You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you.
After awhile, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.
Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 83
I'm by myself but so scared I can't hold in in anymore and it's too late to call anyone. I'm scared I'm going to have to live with my dad permanetley I'm scared that I'm going to have to seperate my cats and leave one behind. I'm scared that I'm going to be left with nothing I'm scared that I have no one I'm scared that the pain is never going to end
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK,
You are getting WAY ahead of yourself. You're doing what I call "catastrophizing"--running through all the worst possible outcomes of everything.
You are not going to have to live with your dad "permanently". You have a job, you will find a place to live.
You are not going to be left with "nothing". You may lose some things, but gain peace of mind and freedom. Take it a step at a time. You have done some things already to protect yourself. You can continue to do that, but you gotta keep your head together and not panic.
You will figure out some kind of solution for your cats. They will survive if they are separated temporarily.
Keep breathing. Just because you don't know when the pain will end doesn't mean it won't. It will, trust me. I've been there.
You are getting WAY ahead of yourself. You're doing what I call "catastrophizing"--running through all the worst possible outcomes of everything.
You are not going to have to live with your dad "permanently". You have a job, you will find a place to live.
You are not going to be left with "nothing". You may lose some things, but gain peace of mind and freedom. Take it a step at a time. You have done some things already to protect yourself. You can continue to do that, but you gotta keep your head together and not panic.
You will figure out some kind of solution for your cats. They will survive if they are separated temporarily.
Keep breathing. Just because you don't know when the pain will end doesn't mean it won't. It will, trust me. I've been there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
You don't have to live with anyone you don't want to. And no living situations are permanent as long as you are ablebodied and smart.
The country--especially these days--is FULL of people looking to rent out a room or two, even in nice neighborhoods. And if you look you should be able to find someone who will let you have your cats.
As for your fears of being left with nothing, tomorrow talk to an atty and find out what's most likely. Or go online and look at divorce laws in your state on the issues that concern you most.
Nobody who wants to be with others will have no one. There are 6 billion people on this earth, SOMEONE surely wants to be your friend, SOMEONE will love you.
I'm a well padded, 49 year old middle aged woman, of average looks, who's something of a bookworm. I am facing foreclosure and bankruptcy, but I swear to God that I am profoundly happy. I'm not a cute young thing, I'm not one of those funny charming people everyone likes instantly, I'm rather boring, intellectual and quiet and have odd hobbies (like genealogy and history and writing), I've got two kids in college and one in HS, and after the experience with TWO alcoholic nasty ex husbands, and divorces that wiped out my financial security, I wasn't even sure I ever wanted to date, much less fall in love and have another relationship. And to my surprise, I'm sought after. This well paded almost 50 year old bookworm is getting a lot of quality attention. I'm having FUN. Who'd have thunk it?
Get the negative out of your life, clean up your street and see what happens. You think I'm special, heck no. You think those sort of things don't happen to you, you're wrong. Read some of the other posts here, many women say this. There's one woman here who just wrote about how in a week's time she went from absolutely NOTHING to in a week's time through a series of coincidences got her life rebuilt in a fabulous way.
It will happen to you too.
Nothing's forever, we can count on change. If things seem rotten now, there's one thing you can count on: THEY WILL CHANGE, and if they are about as rotten as can be, they HAVE TO change for the better.
It will get better.
The country--especially these days--is FULL of people looking to rent out a room or two, even in nice neighborhoods. And if you look you should be able to find someone who will let you have your cats.
As for your fears of being left with nothing, tomorrow talk to an atty and find out what's most likely. Or go online and look at divorce laws in your state on the issues that concern you most.
Nobody who wants to be with others will have no one. There are 6 billion people on this earth, SOMEONE surely wants to be your friend, SOMEONE will love you.
I'm a well padded, 49 year old middle aged woman, of average looks, who's something of a bookworm. I am facing foreclosure and bankruptcy, but I swear to God that I am profoundly happy. I'm not a cute young thing, I'm not one of those funny charming people everyone likes instantly, I'm rather boring, intellectual and quiet and have odd hobbies (like genealogy and history and writing), I've got two kids in college and one in HS, and after the experience with TWO alcoholic nasty ex husbands, and divorces that wiped out my financial security, I wasn't even sure I ever wanted to date, much less fall in love and have another relationship. And to my surprise, I'm sought after. This well paded almost 50 year old bookworm is getting a lot of quality attention. I'm having FUN. Who'd have thunk it?
Get the negative out of your life, clean up your street and see what happens. You think I'm special, heck no. You think those sort of things don't happen to you, you're wrong. Read some of the other posts here, many women say this. There's one woman here who just wrote about how in a week's time she went from absolutely NOTHING to in a week's time through a series of coincidences got her life rebuilt in a fabulous way.
It will happen to you too.
Nothing's forever, we can count on change. If things seem rotten now, there's one thing you can count on: THEY WILL CHANGE, and if they are about as rotten as can be, they HAVE TO change for the better.
It will get better.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
This too shall pass, hang in there.
There IS light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a headlight.
The pain fades, especially once you get some time away from the insanity of living with an active alcoholic. You'll be amazed at how your perspective changes.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
There IS light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a headlight.
The pain fades, especially once you get some time away from the insanity of living with an active alcoholic. You'll be amazed at how your perspective changes.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 83
Called and woke up my dad. Feeling a little better. I think it was the idea of him getting the apartment that threw me over the edge. I love our apartment and having my own space. More importantly I can afford to live here on my own salary he can't.
When I initially told My dad suggested that I tell Ah to go stay with his parents and then while he's gone I could have the locks changed. I guess I need to call the landlord tomorrow and figure out what to do.
When I initially told My dad suggested that I tell Ah to go stay with his parents and then while he's gone I could have the locks changed. I guess I need to call the landlord tomorrow and figure out what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 83
Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. I've only started posting here recently but your words really do me the world to me. My dad and friends are great but it's truly a much different perspective from others that have been there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by BklynGrl 
I'm by myself but so scared I can't hold in in anymore and it's too late to call anyone. I'm scared I'm going to have to live with my dad permanetley I'm scared that I'm going to have to seperate my cats and leave one behind. I'm scared that I'm going to be left with nothing I'm scared that I have no one I'm scared that the pain is never going to end
I have been this scared too.
Right now, all you have to do is breathe. Just breathe.
Are both cats with you now?
Hold the cats, stroke them and breathe.
The pain will end. It will.
Keep breathing, deeply, as deeply as you can.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by BklynGrl
Called and woke up my dad. Feeling a little better. I think it was the idea of him getting the apartment that threw me over the edge. I love our apartment and having my own space. More importantly I can afford to live here on my own salary he can't.
When I initially told My dad suggested that I tell Ah to go stay with his parents and then while he's gone I could have the locks changed. I guess I need to call the landlord tomorrow and figure out what to do.
When I initially told My dad suggested that I tell Ah to go stay with his parents and then while he's gone I could have the locks changed. I guess I need to call the landlord tomorrow and figure out what to do.
He has good ideas, and I am sure that he doesnt mind being woken up to help his daughter.
I am so glad you are feeling better.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Here's something else: My stepfather was divorced 3 times and his 4th marriage to my mother has been very happy--and has lasted over 20 years. His divorces were ugly, he just gave his ex's everything and walked away. To him it wasn't worth fighting for, he would do anything to get rid of all the negativity of the marriages (of which he was mostly at fault, admittedly--he has asperger's and it wasn't until he got thorough therapy was he able to work and play well with others). But he kept at it and created a happy life for himself.
In fact, ex abusive alcoholic momma's boy's dad, who had a miserable marital history (first married to neurotic horrible MIL), then married one of his two marital girlfriends, then divorced her, then remarried her, then was single for a while, then married someone who had nothing to do with the mess he created of his life, and has been happily married for over 20 years too. He also left everything behind when he divorced, he was so desperate to get away from whiny clingy needy MIL he left a paid for house, and all the contents taking only his car, clothes and a couple brasses and things he inherited from his father. He rebuilt and is doing very well in life.
Life after divorce in middle age can be wonderful, better than life in your 20's and 30's. Happiness does not discriminate against older people, nor against the poor, or against those who have really messed up and smashed up their lives. As long as you are willing to clean up your mess (which is a million times easier than cleaning up someone else's mess) things will fall into place and happen for you.
Yes, for YOU. As long as you are alive, you can't mess up so badly that happiness can't find you--if you make room for it.
In fact, ex abusive alcoholic momma's boy's dad, who had a miserable marital history (first married to neurotic horrible MIL), then married one of his two marital girlfriends, then divorced her, then remarried her, then was single for a while, then married someone who had nothing to do with the mess he created of his life, and has been happily married for over 20 years too. He also left everything behind when he divorced, he was so desperate to get away from whiny clingy needy MIL he left a paid for house, and all the contents taking only his car, clothes and a couple brasses and things he inherited from his father. He rebuilt and is doing very well in life.
Life after divorce in middle age can be wonderful, better than life in your 20's and 30's. Happiness does not discriminate against older people, nor against the poor, or against those who have really messed up and smashed up their lives. As long as you are willing to clean up your mess (which is a million times easier than cleaning up someone else's mess) things will fall into place and happen for you.
Yes, for YOU. As long as you are alive, you can't mess up so badly that happiness can't find you--if you make room for it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad you talked to your dad.
Things will work out. It's frustrating that we don't have a crystal ball to know exactly how or when, but they do work out.
Try to get some rest, you will have more energy tomorrow, when you can actually take some constructive action.
Things will work out. It's frustrating that we don't have a crystal ball to know exactly how or when, but they do work out.
Try to get some rest, you will have more energy tomorrow, when you can actually take some constructive action.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Brooklyn Girl: Hang in there!
First, know what you can and cannot do in regard to getting him out of the apartment. First, if you are in NYC, you cannot just change the locks on the apartment. I've been through this with another friend that had to leave her apartment because her xah refused to go. If he's been living there for more than 30 days total, you have to move to evict him if he does not leave willingly. So, if you've been there for a year and he's lived there the entire time, you need to move to evict. It's more complicated if he's on the lease. I think it is different if you get a restraining order. Second, if you change the locks, if he calls the police, you have to let him back in the house. Unfair, yes, but that's how it works here.
If he refuses to go, it's just an apartment. You CAN find another one you love. It's hard, I know. My friend did not want to leave either, but a year later, she is in a much better place and without the dead weight that was her alcoholic husband. Take a deep breath and consider all your options. Don't make a rash decision. You will end up where you are supposed to be. Hugs!
First, know what you can and cannot do in regard to getting him out of the apartment. First, if you are in NYC, you cannot just change the locks on the apartment. I've been through this with another friend that had to leave her apartment because her xah refused to go. If he's been living there for more than 30 days total, you have to move to evict him if he does not leave willingly. So, if you've been there for a year and he's lived there the entire time, you need to move to evict. It's more complicated if he's on the lease. I think it is different if you get a restraining order. Second, if you change the locks, if he calls the police, you have to let him back in the house. Unfair, yes, but that's how it works here.
If he refuses to go, it's just an apartment. You CAN find another one you love. It's hard, I know. My friend did not want to leave either, but a year later, she is in a much better place and without the dead weight that was her alcoholic husband. Take a deep breath and consider all your options. Don't make a rash decision. You will end up where you are supposed to be. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
your dad is a smart man! Do change the locks. Keep your home. Keep your kitties.
And frankly, I wouldn't allow AH to take more than his clothes etc....until he can pay you back the $1800. or..you can reduce the debt in exchange for items you wish to keep...others, you can accompny him to the pawnshop or list things for sale in the local paper.
If you should decide you will accept repayment..have it drawn up, but better yet...he should go get a loan for that amount, pay you in full and make payments to the bank.
This isn't cold and unkind.....this is how an adult man pays his bills.
and, ethically it was a theft.
all this is much easier and softer than if he were ever prosecuted for theft...hopefully with this kind of lesson of consequences he many be deterred in the future when he thinks about taking things that aren't his to take.
And frankly, I wouldn't allow AH to take more than his clothes etc....until he can pay you back the $1800. or..you can reduce the debt in exchange for items you wish to keep...others, you can accompny him to the pawnshop or list things for sale in the local paper.
If you should decide you will accept repayment..have it drawn up, but better yet...he should go get a loan for that amount, pay you in full and make payments to the bank.
This isn't cold and unkind.....this is how an adult man pays his bills.
and, ethically it was a theft.
all this is much easier and softer than if he were ever prosecuted for theft...hopefully with this kind of lesson of consequences he many be deterred in the future when he thinks about taking things that aren't his to take.
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