just sayin hey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 22
just sayin hey
Hi everybody,
I've been lurking for a while. Just thought it was time to say hello and tell you a little about myself. I have been with my ABF for about a year. Actually it's been longer because we were high school sweethearts but went separate ways for a while. We never forgot about each other and then after my divorce we met again and were friends for a year. He went to Tennessee and worked at a bar where he drank so much I thought he would kill himself. Then he ended up on my doorstep a year ago homeless, drunk and sad. So we started living together and he held it together for a while helping around the house and helping with the kids. Then he lost control and got sober for 2 months. Then the cycle started again and he lost control big time. I told him to leave and he spun out of control but I just watched from the sidelines and hoped he would not kill himself. I would see him now and then (time span about 3 weeks) and each time he looked worse until one night he ended up reaching out for help and got himself to a rehab. He has now been sober 9 days after a 5 day detox and he is staying at a homeless shelter. I'm learning a lot about codependency and alcoholism while he's doing his thing. I've said that I want to be with him when we can both be healthy and so he needs to do what he needs to do to be healthy and I need to do what I need to do to be healthy. I think we are both on a good path for ourselves. I know that the only guarantee I have is the reality that I create for myself so that is what my days are about right now. We talk about once a day and his progress makes me happy for him. We are both being selfish in a productive way. I'm reading codependent no more and when love is not enough and will probably go to a al anon meeting this week. Anyway, hi and I'm thankful for a place where it seems good advice abounds and people are supportive.
I've been lurking for a while. Just thought it was time to say hello and tell you a little about myself. I have been with my ABF for about a year. Actually it's been longer because we were high school sweethearts but went separate ways for a while. We never forgot about each other and then after my divorce we met again and were friends for a year. He went to Tennessee and worked at a bar where he drank so much I thought he would kill himself. Then he ended up on my doorstep a year ago homeless, drunk and sad. So we started living together and he held it together for a while helping around the house and helping with the kids. Then he lost control and got sober for 2 months. Then the cycle started again and he lost control big time. I told him to leave and he spun out of control but I just watched from the sidelines and hoped he would not kill himself. I would see him now and then (time span about 3 weeks) and each time he looked worse until one night he ended up reaching out for help and got himself to a rehab. He has now been sober 9 days after a 5 day detox and he is staying at a homeless shelter. I'm learning a lot about codependency and alcoholism while he's doing his thing. I've said that I want to be with him when we can both be healthy and so he needs to do what he needs to do to be healthy and I need to do what I need to do to be healthy. I think we are both on a good path for ourselves. I know that the only guarantee I have is the reality that I create for myself so that is what my days are about right now. We talk about once a day and his progress makes me happy for him. We are both being selfish in a productive way. I'm reading codependent no more and when love is not enough and will probably go to a al anon meeting this week. Anyway, hi and I'm thankful for a place where it seems good advice abounds and people are supportive.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you, for allowing him to manage his recovery while you work on yours. It's very tough not to go in and try to "help" when we care about someone. But you are doing what is probably the most loving thing you can possibly do for him.
Glad you are going to Al-Anon. It will support you a lot going forward.
Glad you are going to Al-Anon. It will support you a lot going forward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I know that the only guarantee I have is the reality that I create for myself so that is what my days are about right now.
this is fantastic, and I have written it down. wow.
you are doing so well for yourself, and seem to be in a good place.
thank you for sharing your story.
Beth
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a really great place with lots of ES&H (Experience, Strength and Hope). I am glad you found us, but sorry you had to.
Sounds like you do have your head on straight and are taking this time to work on you and that is great.
Now I know this may sound like enabling, however, homeless shelters can be pretty tough places and not conducive to one in early recovery. If you talk to ABF you could mention that the Salvation Army has a FREE rehab program that is getting excellent ratings. Then just drop it. Would give him an alternative to look into for a more conducive 'living situation' in his early recovery.
Again, I say 'WELCOME.'
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Sounds like you do have your head on straight and are taking this time to work on you and that is great.
Now I know this may sound like enabling, however, homeless shelters can be pretty tough places and not conducive to one in early recovery. If you talk to ABF you could mention that the Salvation Army has a FREE rehab program that is getting excellent ratings. Then just drop it. Would give him an alternative to look into for a more conducive 'living situation' in his early recovery.
Again, I say 'WELCOME.'
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 22
@Lexiecat, thanks, and you're right, the hardest part is not rescuing someone you love that is putting their life in danger. You can't help but feel that you can say the right thing or do the right thing that will turn the light on but it just doesn't work that way. Deep down they know these things anyway and if they really wanted to they would turn it on themselves. But it's never easy.
@wicked (love that screen name by the way) thanks for your encouragement. It took a while to get there. I was blown away at how fast an alcoholic can take your life down with them. It's like trying to save a person in a burning building but they won't leave so at some point you either get out or burn up with them.
@laurie6781 thanks for clearing up the ES&H for me! I agree with you completely about the shelter, I have thought a lot about it. It's only a building away from the detox though and he can go there to help out or just hang when he has nothing else to do. Plus he has meetings in several places he can go to all day. He'll either find a way to keep himself productive or he won't, it all depends on how bad he wants to keep his sobriety. It's very hard not to go pick him up, but the alternative is no better. That would mean we are back where we started and that is my biggest boundary. I'll pass on the salvation army program info. Right now, he's waiting for transitional housing but needs a job. I appreciate the big welcome, it sure is nice to have people to talk to that have "been there done that".
@wicked (love that screen name by the way) thanks for your encouragement. It took a while to get there. I was blown away at how fast an alcoholic can take your life down with them. It's like trying to save a person in a burning building but they won't leave so at some point you either get out or burn up with them.
@laurie6781 thanks for clearing up the ES&H for me! I agree with you completely about the shelter, I have thought a lot about it. It's only a building away from the detox though and he can go there to help out or just hang when he has nothing else to do. Plus he has meetings in several places he can go to all day. He'll either find a way to keep himself productive or he won't, it all depends on how bad he wants to keep his sobriety. It's very hard not to go pick him up, but the alternative is no better. That would mean we are back where we started and that is my biggest boundary. I'll pass on the salvation army program info. Right now, he's waiting for transitional housing but needs a job. I appreciate the big welcome, it sure is nice to have people to talk to that have "been there done that".
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Family!
Pleased to 'meet' you.
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I also found help in my recovery at Alanon meetings.
Let us know how we can help you.
Pleased to 'meet' you.
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I also found help in my recovery at Alanon meetings.
Let us know how we can help you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Welcome stigmatized... you may feel "stigmatized" in the outside world, but here in our SR world you are a friend!
You are on the right path... glad you are now posting too! You see your postings not only help you grow, but also are a source of comfort and strength for those who read them.
You are on the right path... glad you are now posting too! You see your postings not only help you grow, but also are a source of comfort and strength for those who read them.
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