TigerLili

I've been sober for 18 months and recently made a dumb ass decision that nearly got me arrested yesterday. I was let off with a warning and it won't go any further, but I'm horrified at my stupidity. It's like now that I'm not drinking, I have to find other dumb things to do to mess up my life. I can't seem to keep all the balls in the air. I'm really struggling financially and have no idea how I'm going make ends meet and pay my debts. I tried working a second job but my health is not good I was just too exhausted to continue. A portion of my debt is due to my health issues and ongoing costs of treatment. I'm thinking of getting a loan to bring everything up to date but I don't know if that's the smartest thing to do.

I feel really bad and guilty about the dumb thing I did and I am not ready to tell anyone IRL. I think as far as making amends, it's in the realm of just not doing it again. And now I find myself sitting here thinking I may as well have a drink because how can it get any worse? Of course, I know that drinking will make everything 1 squazillion times worse, but the disease just seems to have full reign over me at the moment.

intention

Hi TigerLili, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't so good for you right now. At least you didn't get arrested and recognise that drink is not going to solve this.

Do you have a sponsor? What work do you do with your sponsor? Are you working the 12 Steps? Are you sponsoring? Working with others?

TigerLili

I had a falling out with my sponsor a few months ago and stopped going to meetings. I called her today and asked if we could meet and if she would continue going through the steps with me. We are up to Step 4 and I really struggle to understand what I am supposed to do becuase I don't understand her explanation and I feel she is judging me. Maybe I need a new sponsor. I'm not sure how much of it is me and how much is her. Maybe we just aren't a match sponsor/sponsee wise. I don't have any sponsees and I don't feel ready to, but I am in touch with other members of AA a few times a week by phone. I went to a meeting today and I am thinking I might need to do another 90 in 90 to get my head back in the right place.

intention

Hi tigerlili

I suggest you have a read of the Promises on p83/84 and see how they contrast with the life you describe being sober in your first post in this thread.

When you say you got to Step 4, I am not surprised you feel the way you do about life and have got yourself in this trouble like you have. The Promises happen for us when we are working half way through Step 9.

If you want the type of life described in p83/84, then I suggest you work through all the steps. I don't think you need to sponsor anyone just yet but working with other people can really help an alcoholic in their recovery - you can work with other people just by going to meetings, sharing, doing service.

Perhaps 90 in 90 may help you if you have got out of the habit of meetings but please focus your time and energy on working through the steps. You can actually do this fairly quickly.

As to your sponsor and what she wants you to do with Step 4 - personally I recommend that it is done precisely as it says in the Big Book. Before you meet with your sponsor I would suggest you re-read p64 to 71 about Step 4. Perhaps even go through it with her when she gives you your instructions. If her way deviates from what the book is telling you to do, my suggestion would be to find another sponsor.

If she is recommending you do it out of the Big book and you still don't understand, there are plenty of people here who can help you.

As to how you get on with her in general, well it may be that you are being just overly sensitive and defensive because us alcoholics can be like that. Having said that you should feel comfortable with your sponsor. You will be opening up about many private things you have never discussed with anyone in Step 5 - it will do you good to find the right person for that.

Good luck. Keep in touch.

keithj

Intention,

Based solely on what was posted by Tigerlili, I suspect you are giving your suggestions to someone who lacks the power to do a 4th Step at this moment.

There is talk of speaking with other AA members and maybe needing to do 90 in 90 to get her head on straight.

Not bad ideas in any way, but no concept of powerlessness or hopelessness.

There hasn't been a Step 1 experience, so there is no need for a Step 2. Hence, no decision and no power for Step 4. Hence, life sucks and a drink sounds good.

intention

Hi Keith,

Thanks, I appreciate what you are saying and I think you are right...perhaps I was a bit relunctant to question why her sponsor had her on Step 4.

I hope Tigerlili is reading all the comments here and looking at the question of whether she has the right sponsor who understands how to work the program as it is in the Big Book.

Tommyh

when I took my 3rd step,I turned my life and will over to the care of God and He cared for me and got me thru the 4th steps and the rest,now of myself, I could not do step 4
only with God`s help could I

lizw

I am reminded of the expression, 'when you sober up a drunken horse theif, you still have a horse theif.' I'm not saying you're 'a theif' rather 'old habits die hard.'

I owed an outrageous amount of money to debt collectors etc...and made arrangements to pay it all back (step 9) and beleive, if I remember correctly, I wrote them 'an honest letter' and gave them all my previous addresses and said send me the bill. It took forever to pay it back but I did it.

Here in NZ they actually have a court process where the court can take all your debt and make an order that you pay 'this much' instead of what any debtors try to make you pay as they want their money back as faster as possible which puts more pressure on a person. A friend of my did this with her step nine and I wished I'd known about it when I did mine. Dunno if they have something similar in Oz. You could probably try a community centre who offers budget advice. They'd know.

Recovery is also about learning how to live differently and more honestly and everyone seems to have a different level of honesty. What I think is dishonest, you may not find dishonest but to find this stuff out one's got to begin working through the steps with a sponsor.

While 90 meetings in 90 days may make you feel good, I'm sorry to say it won't clear your debt. : )

Music

Thanks liz, I was going to make the same point. Going to meetings, working with a sponsor and working the steps is all good but it helps if these things can be done with no other distractions. Most debtors would rather have something than nothing, not to mention the court costs, lawyers, etc. If possible Tiger, I'd suggest you talk to people face to face and work out a solution everyone can live with. Take your sponsor with you so you have some support but clear the air so the worry isn't occupying your mind.

TigerLili

keithj - thanks for your input. I have no doubt that I am powerless over alcohol, which is why I am in recovery and posting here about it rather than being out there drinking. I have plenty of concept of powerlessness and hopelessness. I'm just doing my best to get through each day and well I guess I'm not doing the programme perfectly or have everything down pat or remember every single details of every single thing I should be doing and remembering from the big book. Thanks so much for your understanding.

TigerLili

Intention - I have been on step 4 for about a year. It's a whole other issue. I appreciate your posts and they have helped me a lot.

TigerLili

Liz & Music - thanks for your posts.

keithj

I would say it is the issue. I'm guessing you didn't appreciate my post. When you post on the 12 Step forum that your life is kinda crappy and you feel like drinking, please don't be surprised when someone suggests that doing the 12 Steps just might be your solution.

The 12 Steps are the solution (only solution) we know here for your condition. It's just the way it is.

I suggest that maybe it's not the directions for Step 4 that have kept you stuck for a year, but the willingness. Willingness comes from desperation and hopelessness, which are Step 1 issues.

If it's just the directions, that's easy. Make a list of people, institutions, and principles with which you are angry. Put it on paper. List why you are angry. List which of the 6-7 aspects of self it affects. Then get busy with the directions on pg 67,

yeahgr8

Hi there

You arent alone i have had coffees with a load of people in AA who's lives are still unmanageable after many years...they have never worked the steps...

The steps and the resulting spiritual awakening are the solution:-)

Zoobear

When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. You can do a great 4th step. Start with a pen & paper. Follow the example in the Big Book and write it down. It doesnt take a year, it just takes the willingness to start it. Good luck my friend.

TigerLili

I have written out my fourth step. It's been sitting there for months. There are aspects of it I don't understand and my sponsor keeps telling me to go away and do more work on it but I literally do not know what else I need to put on there.

intention

Hi Tigerlili,

Perhaps it is time for a new sponsor who can show how to work the steps in the simple way they are described in the Big Book.

TigerLili

I think you're right. What she's having me do seems way over complicated compared to what's in the book. I tried to talk to her after a meeting tonight but couldn't catch her.

Someone suggested i do my 5th step with a minister. I don't know why I didn't think of doing it with someone else. Half the meetings I go to are in churches so I'll just call one of them and enquire.

I think I will find a new sponsor regardless.

Thanks guys.

intention

Hi Tigerlili, there's some advice on p74 as to who to share your 5th Step with.

Good luck on the search for a new sponsor.

DayTrader

Whoa...... I do some pretty complicated, heavy, deep inventories. Just because that's not how the book describes it doesn't mean they can't be beneficial. If the new sponsor idea is coming from just the 4th step issues you're having, you may want to reconsider.

Re a sponsor... they should be living the way you want to live (spiritually, giving to others, happy, "living the program, etc -- not "materialistically"). If she's got what you want, I wouldn't split just yet. Keep nagging her to find out what she wants you to do.