PaperDolls

She "fired" me. She won't tell me why. Just a quick message saying "I can't work with you any more". I tried to get more info but she says she's not in "fit spiritual condition to talk about it". I told her I'd like to know if I did/said something wrong so I can learn from my mistakes.

My feelings are hurt, my ego is hurt ..... but I know I'll get over it. I want her to do what she needs to do to stay sober. But still, ouch!!

How to you handle losing a sponsee?

PaperDolls

I know I say I'll get over it but I AM pretty hurt right now. I don't like how this went down.

Brucel

Ouch!! I know the feeling, and I turned to my sponsor with my butt all sore and he asked why I thought it was about me. Then he asked if I had stayed sober the entire time I was sponsoring this person who had just fired me. I told him I had, and he said "job well done". We do our best, but the Big Guy does the work. In my group, they ask all who are willing to sponsor to raise their hands so newcomers can see who's available. I hope the next time you go to a meeting that does that, you raise your hand!!! God Bless

shaun00

Pray for her.......and find someone else..

AW2486

I had the same thing happen to me with a 1st cousin last year. Things were going great until the 4th step, and then all communication was cut off. No explanation, Didn't return my calls.. nothing..

You bet it hurts. and it hurt for awhile. I leaned a lot on my sponsor, and with other closed mouthed AA's that I can trust. Kept talking about until it quit hurting. I'm sure they got sick of listening to me but they listened.

Like anything in AA, I learned a valuable lesson, people need to have their own experiences. I learned what my purpose is as a sponsor. Be a conduit between the them and the Big Book, GOD will take care of everything else. If they do great or if they drink again and die, that will be their own experience. I still love and believe in my cousin. I hope he has found what I have, but I did as trucker said, I found another person to work with, and that helped let go.

Your in my prayers, you will get through this, it will get better !

Also.. another thing I learned, God answers prayers, every time I pray for someone to carry the message too, not too long after he sends somebody. HP must think I have extra time on my hands, last time he sent two.

Andy

DayTrader

I'm on my second sponsor myself. The first one is still in the program but I lost respect / didn't want what he had anymore. I made the change about a year and a half ago so I've had that time to process what I'd do/think if someone leaves me.

He's (the first one) not a bad guy and he's not working a bad program but we're all different, like snowflakes. I didn't believe I wanted to be where he was, really.....I didn't think I'd be happy if I was where he was, so I had to find someone new. My current sponsor has what I want AND I think I can get there myself AND I think I'll be happy if I get there. Sponsor 1 and 2 are both generally happy but I match up better with #2. It's not a slight on the first one.

If one of my guys leaves me for another sponsor, and I'm REALLY working my program right, what's important to me (about the former sponsee) is that he gets recovered. To be upset that they don't want to do it "my way," I feel, would smack of unhealthy egotism on my part. If I'm really trying to help others recover from alcoholism, THAT they recover is more important than HOW they recover or WITH WHOM they recover.

Hope that helps.

DayTrader

It bummed Bill W. out when all the Manhattan drunks he picked up "dropped out" too...but he kept finding new men to work with. Had he focused on his disappointment, we might not be here.

Listen to Trucker - go find your "Dr Bob!" (heh, and pray your ego doesn't get over-inflated when they rock an awesome program. )

Music

Good advice. Work your program, get past this and move on. You'll be stronger for it. It never was up to you anyway.

Tommyh

like they say,you`re still sober
I have had several sponsee`s fire me but we are still friends,I just say,I appreciate the chance to be of service and if you need me,you`re always welcome to come by the house or call.

tomvlll

Where were you in the steps?

DayTrader

I'll put odds on: "sponsee stuck on 3" -or- "trying to get sponsee to start or finish 4"


GREAT question btw.

cloud8

Funny reading this I too was Firerd buy a sponsee right after we finished step 3,,I thoght I did something wrong,,or i wasent working a good enogh program,,yada yada yada,,But he told me he felt i didnt have enogh time for him because of work,,we spent every weekend together and spoke on weekdays,,so who knows what the real rason was?? But I do know this,,It kept me sober and realy helped me to review the first 3 steps,,IE I felt better as a result of helping him,,so all was cool i9n the end,,Oh and hes still sober today,,but we never talk,,lol and thats ok..I also firerd a sponsor turned out after getting to know them long story,,they were nuts>>of course i just jumped in without investigating so my bad,,but that said ive been on both sides,,and when its all said and done,,ive grown from both experienses,,hope you will have the same gift,,and more will be revealed..good luck, and keep up the good work helping others,,

CarolD

PD....

You planted the seed....and you will again with a new person.
All my best as you move forward

PaperDolls

Thanks all ....... and you were right ...... just finished step 3, working on step 4. I had just talked to her about when to be finished and set a date to meet with her to go over it. *sigh* I saw her last night, we talked a bit. We're still friends. And then she send me a message today that she sort of missed me.

I suppose if she comes back to me I have to get over this mini-resentment and take her back, huh?

Ananda

It's sad that the term "fired" got so common in the discription of sponsorship change...Words impact how we react and how we see the world unfortunately.

I fall into it myself, but the truth is i didn't "fire" my sponsor...i decided to move on in the steps with someone else for now.

In fact i will be doing my 5th step with my "old" sponsor simply because it is obviously the next indicated thing...i never "fired" her...we agreed that i needed a local "sponsor" and we both still agree about that...

At this point the word "sponsor" is often soooo misused, that I'm struggling with the approprieteness of using that word to describe the relationship i seek.

sorry to drviil...just thinking out loud durning my lunch break

DayTrader

YUP!! You do.
Here's the kicker......even if she DOESN'T ask you back.......you STILL have to!




But hey, if she does, you can "get even" by working her harder and faster through the steps.

Freedom1990

I had a sponsee who stalled out after step 3. Turns out she ended up moving to the west coast where all her active alcoholic/addict family members were.

She told everyone but me that she was moving.

EGO = Edging God Out

I no longer take it personally when I lose a sponsee because it isn't all about me, and I stayed sober.

I can carry the message. I can't carry the alcoholic.

tomvlll

I have found that there are a good number of people in the AA FELLOWSHIP who don't really believe in the AA PROGRAM. They believe more in those FELLOWSHIP programs . "(Don't drink..go to meetings...keep coming....call your sponsor every day....meetings are for sharing problems to get them out of your system).
Many newcomers are attracted to those FELLOWSHIP programs, because they are easier and softer.
Also, I think it's very difficult for a newcomer to see the relationship between their drinking and those steps.

As to the question you asked at the end, I think you answered it already . Correctly.

I guess you intuitively knew how to handle a situation that used to baffle you.

JeremiahS

In before some genius turns this around and asks... AGHH!


Wishing well for your sponsee. Working with others does keep me looking at my stepwork though and I get some mileage out of the serenity prayer.

It's heck to get to know people and like them and see how this program would help them if they'd just... But deep down they still know what they're doing, got things under control, thanks for the input but...then back out they go.
Then they come back and your sure now they must get it now but they know where they went wrong and everythings OK now, thanks anyway...

Gets to be like watching re-runs of me.

PaperDolls

We were supposed to meet Tuesday night and she no call, no showed on me. Showed up for the meeting right after we were supposed to meet and acted like nothing. I talked to her after wards and she said she had sent me a message (she didn't). The next day is when she said she couldn't work with me anymore (I don't like the term 'fired' either).

Turns out she thought I said something to someone about her, which I didn't, not like she thought .... instead of talking to me about it she just got pissed. I don't blame her, I've been there. I told her I want her to do what ever she needs to stay sober but warned her that the way she pulled this off was old behavior and to watch out. Later that day she called me and asked me for help at her Oxford House. Of course I was there for her, and the house.

She's been txting me every day since then. When we do get to sit down and talk I'll ask her if may be she's dragging her feet on the 4th step and used this whole fiasco as an excuse.

I won't take it personally what ever happens.
Thanks for all the input here.