Tao

I have a question. I'm married to a "recovering" alcholic. He's sober now for 12 years. In many ways I'm so proud of him. In other ways, he has some personality characteristics that make being in a relationship very hard, like extreme self-centeredness, inability to empathize with my feelings, or his own, occasional bouts of moodiness and meanness, and quickly becoming overwhelmed if I get emotional about anything. We are in couples therapy.

My question is: is "recovery" ever over? At what point does one accept that these are qualities and traits of an individual, likely not to change, and if so...can I live with them? I guess my deeper question is how do I feel about these llimitations, and does accepting them as part of recovery also mean, there is likely to be no improvement in these areas.

This forum I've found to be really full of wise, experienced people. I don't know that much about addiction, trying to find my way.

Thank you in advance!

Tao

yeahgr8

When you say he in recovery can you explain more about what he does to maintain his sobriety and keep spiritually fit, no-one can really comment, other than guessing, until that is clear:-)

Norther

+1

Tao

He doesn't do anything overt...he went to AA a few times, but really has no methodology, no spiritual practice or belief, no "practice" to build spiritual or emotional "muscles". He just doesn't drink.

yeahgr8

Thanks...so you already know a bit about this from your answer:-)

And i think you know the answer to your original post...but for me there is a huge difference between abstinance and sobriety...i know because of real life people i have spent time with and growing up with a father that was abstinant which looking back was like he was having not to drink, like someone depriving him of the alcohol other than himself and anyone and anything was to blame...they dont get better by magic even though we all hoped this would happen...recovery takes work...

Really grateful for your post, like i always say here and in meetings ive never met or heard of anyone who has just put the bottle down and changed nothing else who is simply not just a dry drunk, sure they get a little better but still just a drunk not drinking!

Hope you get some peace soon and that you are seeking support for you, there is a friends and family section on SR and of course Al-anon for face to face!

Tao

Thank you Yeahgr8! I have to agree with you....he didn't want to do AA because "it didn't really benefit me"...but truly, he never has wanted to do the real work. Didn't then, doesn't now. So.....really at the end of the day, I'll have to seek deep inside myself if he has enough good qualities for a partner, with all the limitations that he's very unlikely to change at this late date.

Mark75

Hard to say without knowing him. Was he an alcoholic? How did he feel about not drinking? Why did he quit?

Self centeredness is not the exclusive domain of the alcoholic, though many alcoholics are extremely wrapped up in self. Lack of empathy, hmm, could be many things, hard to empathetic, though, if he sees the world first has how it effects him...

Myself, I believe in being recovered, though it requires maintenance. A central theme of recovery is letting go of selfishness and self centeredness. Once one has recovered and has developed faith and trust in a power greater than one's self, it is much easier to let go.

Maybe you could discuss this in therapy?

yeahgr8

Seriously there is a load of help and support out there for you, you dont have to figure this out by yourself, nor if i may say are you likely to be able to...

I don't know much about al-anon and other familiy and friends of alcoholics/addicts support groups or literature but if you dont reach out and do a little work for you now that kinda sounds like what your partner is doing and we have established that this path doesn't lead anywhere too good!

So maybe get yourself help, talk to people who have been in your situation, detach and then it will be time to make decisions:-)

AlwaysGrowing

Sounds like most men(us)..!

But on ther serious side you can't change him. You CAN attract him to change by working on yourself, Alanon being one great option.

AG

praiseHim

This was a very helpful thread. Thank you for asking this question.

Taking5

There is a saying in AA
Q:What do you get when you sober up a horse thief?
A: A sober horse thief.

The point is that one of the primary purposes of AA's 12 steps is not just to stop drinking, but to identify character defects, admit past wrongs, make restitution, etc. If all it was about was stopping drinking, it would be a 1 step program.

If he worked the program of AA, I mean really lived it (step 12 says we will practice the principles in ALL our affairs) you would have a different man on your hands IMHO.

And in AA there is no step that says "you've graduated, don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out". So in this sense, yes recovery is forever but you have to work it, or as Mark put it, it requires maintenance. Your guy appears to be doing none of these things.

If you are up to it, have this conversation with him, or show him this thread.

Good luck and keep posting, we are here to help.

Tao

y'all are just da bomb. Thank you for your wise, wise counsel....

RobbyRobot

Hi Tao,

Hmmm. You know, twelve years is not just nothing. Yes, it maybe just a long dry drunk, but since he is in couples therapy with you, i think he has some serious credit earned for not drinking, and so do you for that matter.

Alcoholism is an illness and not a personality anything. We all [and our wives respectively] take our alcoholism personally of course in different ways, but it is an illness in itself. If your husband has that illness then absolutely it effects your marriage, and it effects you too.

Couples therapy is an excellant choice for marriage challenges to be resolved. Keep at it. A marriage is a worthy thing to save. It is not a place to solve the illness of alcoholism though. There are other resources for the challenges of living with alcoholism, sobriety, and being the wife of an alcoholic.

He has tried AA and found it not for him. Have you tried Al Anon and found it not for you? Please try it if you haven't already. And if you have, well then, you should readily understand your husbands stance, yes? Please don't give up on you or him. Knowing the facts of the illness of alcoholism can be found in Al Anon meetings. Knowledge can really change things!

As an alcoholic i can only say that people who love me best see my illness as not something "soley" personal about me. That also means then that my recovery also is not entirely about "me" either. The real deal goes both ways, imo. Some of us [alcoholics] get recovery up and running quickly and without alot of issues. Most of us have issues in recovery though, to be honest about it.

Us alcoholics have no cure for our illness, imo. Our wives [or husbands respectively] have no cure for living with us either. We all have resources for both sides of the deal though. And we all have a personal investment in those resources of course. We all want to be the best that we can be for ourselves and others. Amen for that.

Its an illness your husband has. You share [suffer] some of that illness yourself after so many years of marriage. Please think more on that in your marriage therapy sessions. Best of luck, Tao!

sincerely,
Rob