SomeoneSomwhere

The title says it all.
I can't stop. I can't. I seriously can't.

So I've gone to a couple meetings. And I'm still drinking every day but I've stopped drinking first thing in the morning. I've switched to just drinking a little in the afternoon and trying to limit my intake at night. I'm no longer drinking straight from the bottle. I switched to mix drinks.

I tell myself that's better but it probably isn't. I just can't stop. I can't. I still don't feel like I have any reason to. And I don't want to.

I just want to be happy. But that's impossible. So being numb, that awesome I don't care feeling that alcohol brings is such a relief. I guess I just don't know what to do anymore. People I saw at meetings were pretty worried. They recognize in me what they saw in themselves when they were in my place but I'm just not ready to stop. What's it going to take for me to get to that point? I hate myself right now but I can't stop drinking. I'm not ready. And no matter what I do, nothing can get me to that point.

Rev

Hating yourself won't lessen your desire to drink, so you can stop doing that, first.

When I faced something I didn't think I could do, but felt I had to do to save my self respect, my urge was to run away, to hide from the impossible conflict in my mind. It seemed like I had two intolerable options. The truth is, one intolerable option was only intolerable for awhile. The other would be intolerable forever.

If I felt like I lacked the power to stop on my own, I would (and did) reach out for help, because the running away option led only to the intolerable forever outcome. I came here. If it hadn't been enough, I think it would have been the right thing for me to reach out for more help, such as a treatment program. You really want to be out of this drinking nightmare. It's clear in your words. You really do need to take some kind of action, no matter how intolerable or impossible it may seem to overcome it.

Rev

Dee74

Nothing could get me to that point either SS...but more drinking did, eventually..years of it, along with all the associated damage and loss and sorrow to myself and those I loved.

I wish I could show you my descent - maybe it would help. But I can't.

I was a lucky one though.

I lived long enough to be able to make a choice to seek recovery and get a second chance.

Many of us simply don't.

You're not weak or an idiot. You're addicted tho, I reckon.
I hope you're lucky too.
D

SomeoneSomwhere

I don't know how to stop hating myself. That sounds Emo and stupid but I just don't. The man I loved just left me. He is the only person who has ever loved me like that and I thought it would be forever but it wasn't. And that makes me hate myself. Because as hard as I tried to be good enough for him. I wasn't. And he was the BEST thing to ever happen to me but I f'd it up.

I don't think I can stop on my own. I just feel wicked alone. No one knows...no one knows how often I drink. I hide it so well. And I'm facing it alone because I can't stand anyone knowing. It would kill my family if they knew. And my friend. I just don't know what to do.

How do you keep it a secret and get help at the same time?

Thank you for your reply.


Truth time?

I think my biggest problem is that I don't care. I don't care if I die or if I live. I have nothing...I really want to live for. I don't want anything. And I'm in some much... it just hurts. Life and love and I feel...broken or some ridiculous stupid Emo Teenager Song s*** like that but it really is how I feel.

Maybe I need more respect for my own life. It's just that right now I don't care about my life enough to care if I am ruining it.

I want to care. I do. I want to feel ... something. The desire to like live but I can't. I don't to hurt the people I love. That's what keeps me here. But it feels like the only way I can make it through the day is by drinking.

Rev

Yeah, I know. Being compassionate toward yourself is easier said than done, especially when things are looking bad. As for getting help and keeping it private, I know AA is both for Alcoholics and it's Anonymous, so there's definitely a place to start. People there (and here) can give you more ideas about seeking help. I have been quite fortunate that my alcoholism isn't as severe as most (or, as severe as most of those who seek help), so I haven't been to rehab or AA meetings. Coming here was enough for me.

Your pain sounds bad. Losing your partner in the midst of all this only makes things harder. Seeking out the fellowship of those who truly understand what you're going through seems like the absolute best thing you can do. I wish you all the best of luck as you face this.

Rev

Dee74

I used to feel exactly the same way too. Or I thought I did.
The fact was? looking death in the face showed me I cared a great deal.

If you really didn't care...do you think you'd be posting here, and coming back again and again to do it?

I doubt it.


If it's self esteem issues and a lack of strategies to deal with stuff? That can be
worked on, SS.

I've known very few people who really honestly fundamentally didn't care. None of them were from SR.

What I meant when I said that I didn't care was 'I'm scared...that sobriety thing looks like a big effing mountain to climb'

Of course I don't know you - but do you think you might mean something else too?
D

Anna

I hope that you can find a way to stop, because for me things had to get worse before I made the decision to stop drinking. And, things will get worse.

I wonder if you've considered that depression came before you began drinking? For me that was the case and I had to get the depression diagnosed and properly treated before I could stop drinking because before that, I really, truly didn't care. You might also be surprised how stopping drinking can improve your mood.

cindy10

I used to think no one knew the extent of my drinking too, but they did. I hope you can find the courage to admit you need help.

least

Amen! And stopping drinking also makes the antidepressants work as they should which helps my mood too.

Try sobriety again, why not? Don't give up on yourself. It IS possible to live sober but it does take some effort besides just not drinking.

SomeoneSomwhere

Thank you guys.

You're right. When you say I don't really want to...like die. And that I do care about my life somewhat. I know I want my life to be better, I just don't know how to get there. When I was with that guy...I was so happy. He made me so happy.

And now all I can remember is how happy we were and...... =(

I'm quite drunk at the moment. So I'm probably more emotional than normal. Honestly I tend to be more open about how upset I am when I drink so you can't take what I saw too seriously. Or maybe I'm being more honest after drinking...

I wish I could stop. I wish I could find some other way of dealing. And one of you (Dee perhaps? I can't remember it was a mod or admin) mentioned depression. I've been diagnosed as severely depressed and I am on medication. My therapist said I'd have to stop drinking for my anti-depressents to work but that hasn't happened yet.

My insurance only covers 12 appointments so I just go twice a month but I missed me last appointment so it's been a while since I've talked to her but I go again on Monday. Maybe it will help.

Fandy

Hi SS....we're not allowed to give medical advice, but you might want to do a search on something called "reactive depression".

I went through pretty much the same scenario you are going through...my depression escalated to major depression and it lasted 3 years...i pulled myself out of the hole with 3 years of professional help.

you've had a big whammy break-up, you feel terrible and drinking to numb it is actually making you feel worse. you need to tell your doctor what's going on and get a recommendation for a psych. who can both listen to you and give you the right feedback/treatment.....

eventually I stuffed my XBF and all the bad feelings/issues in a "mental box", threw a "mental blanket" on the box and shoved it in a mental closet....6 years later it doesn't much matter to me, but I'll never forget it...I forgave him to move on...but I got angry AT HIM to save myself....

Drinking yourself to oblivion is not going to help you get your relationship back and you deserve to treat yourself better....if you look at the circumstances from a different point of view, you might start to feel better.....i hope telling you that I understand helps a little.

susanlauren

No, SomeoneSomewhere, you aren't weak and an idiot. You may be sick and in need of help, but that is different than weakness and stupidity. If you had cancer, would you say you were "sick and an idiot"? I think not. Have you looked into what treatment is covered by your insurance. It sounds as if you might benefit from a treatment program. If you could get through withdrawals and get some time sober, your antidepressant medication could begin to work for you. I hope you talked with your therapist about your current situation. Honestly talked, without holding anything back. SusanLauren

scoob

Try a visualization technique. What can you picture yourself doing that would make you happy without alcohol included?

Can you try and do that tomorrow? Take your focus off just trying to be happy without alcohol, try doing something that just makes you happy.

needhelpbutstuk

I am in the same shoes as you are...I am a bit older, 32, and am having trouble keeping it in order. It has taken me MONTHS just to join this forum to chat about it. Your story is similar too mine...started drinking heavily in college and now really heavy....you would be surprised. I dont have advice, but just know your exact thoughts I have as well and you are not alone. GOod luck

Dee74

Welcome to you too, needhelpbutstuk

D

needhelpbutstuk

thanks dee74, dont really know where to start but figured Id take the plunge.

SomeoneSomwhere

Ah not going to lie I do NOT remember positing that last post. Though I'm not going to delete it because that is how I honestly feel and you're all fairly accepting people and you wouldn't know me from anyone else so I might as well keep it.

Today is a bad day. I don't know why but it is. Today also starts day one of sobriety. At least for a little while. I had my wallet stolen walking home on Saturday night. Meaning I don't currently have a debit card (luckily I canceled it as soon as I realized so I didn't lose any money) or an ID. I look like I'm 17 (seriously) so I get carded EVERYWHERE so getting alcohol is going to be impossible unless I take the train all the way home and go to the liquor store I work at.

Guess that means I'll have to face the pain without numbing it. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe I just need to prove to myself that I can make it through a day without drinking in order to start down a path of living sober.

pinkgurl87

hugs keep trying... you can do this I believe in you!!

Dee74

sorry you got your wallet stolen, S - but I'm glad you're with us for day one

D

flutter

Take the opportunity now.. you'll reap rewards not quite as instant as slamming some liquor, but they will come, I promise you.