Reubena

Hi SS,

Glad you are here with us... I felt like that too (weak/idiot) but feel less that way now that I have almost a month of sobriety... Baby steps I guess

Great advice posted here. Please do keep reading and posting, it will help.

Fandy

you can at least look forward to waking up tomorrow AM not hungover and remembering what you did the night before...and one day can easily turn into 2....alcohol is in itself a depressant, so maybe if you abstain, you won't feel quite as down about your circumstances.

no relationship is worth your self-respect and esteem....treat yourself as lovingly as you've treated others.

SomeoneSomwhere

I got alcohol. The guy who knows me was working at the store near my school. I borrowed money from as friend to get it.

I really am weak. I can't even go a few hours without having a drink. This guy who broke my heart...meant everything to me. I loved him so much. I just want to work things out with us. He is the only person I've ever wanted to be with. The time I spent with him is the only time I can ever remember being happy. And they say you have to make your own happiness but that's crap. NO ONE including myself could ever make me as happy as he did.

Problem is, it's double sided. The person who can make you happier than anyone can also make you hurt more than anyone. And hurt me he has. So much. I mean nothing to him and he means everything to me. I love him. SO MUCH. I can't even begin to explain it. But he means so much to me.

And now living without him...knowing he doesn't care...that pain? It is impossible to bear. So I drink because that make it barely possible to put up with. That numbs it to the point where I can tolerate it.

Like I said this isn't REALLY about an addition to the booze. It's an addition to the way it makes me hurt just a little less.

Hevyn

Someone and Needhelp - it's all been said, but I'd like to add that you are never alone as long as you can reach out to people who care. We truly get you and understand exactly what you're feeling. My biggest problem was thinking that alcohol was actually making my life better and easier. In reality it was soul-destroying poison. I don't know why I used it as a coping tool long after it was fun or an "escape".

Don't stop reaching for a happier day. Hope and joy will return to you once again - it happened to me after a lifetime of numbing myself. Alcohol kept me in misery and pain -it was not my friend, the way I once thought. You can do this - you came here because you haven't given up. Be proud of that - and never stop trying for a better life.

Dee74

I started drinking after a break up too SS...and yes it made the pain feel a little less...but the pain would always come back...and I'd have to drink more, and more frequently, to make it go away for just that little while.

I began to use alcohol for other sorrows too, or when I was mad or angry....I thought I was just using alcohol to cope too - I wasn't addicted! - but really? I was inch by inch bottle by bottle becoming an alcoholic.

I met someone else eventually - and I still drank. I lost them too - I still drank. I'd crossed the line. I drank for years after, long after my exes had moved on.

Alcohol is very persuasive - it promises you a way out where there seems to be none - but what actually happens is...nothing.

You don't solve anything, you don't get through anything...you just stay in the same emotional spot, going round and round in a loop....and the only thing you know to do about it is drink.

It really is a vicious circle. And the longer you drink the harder it is to break out SS.

D

SomeoneSomwhere

I got black out drunk earlier. I called my ex. I am pretty sure I just got his voice mail but lord knows what I said...

I'm feeling like crap right now. Emotionally and physically. I'm drinking water but that only does so much.

When I get like that, drinking only makes me hurt more. It's only to a certain point that it numbs me out. Sure I can't remember crying myself to sleep but I was in pain (and my status on facebook was "can't do this anymore) so even if I can't remember I know it didn't help.

I know I'm going in a circle here. A few people at meetings said they started out just like me, drinking because of a break up or a divorce or because someone died or just some other tough situation... and they all say I need to recognize that I have a serious problem before I can stop but I can't.

Until I can find some way to be happy I really don't think I have the power to stop drinking. Until I find the reason, the desire to better my life, nothing I do is going to help. I see my therapist on Monday, I might talk to her about going into some kind of treatment program. Not necessarily for alcoholism but for just issues in general...I obviously can't do this alone.

needhelpbutstuk

I hear you SS and I am in the same boat . It is hard t quit drinking. I hope we both can do it, but it is hard. Hang in there, I hope you pull through. I am a newbie but am pulling for you.

Freeport

SS, you need to devote yourself to not drinking for a day. And the next day you need to do the same thing. And the next. Whatever it takes, visit a doctor, AA, rehab, whatever. You need a clear, sober mind to start moving ahead with your life. Judging from your posts, you're pretty young and have a potentially productive, fulfilling life ahead of you. I have no idea about the details of your relationship, but I'd bet my 11-plus months of sobriety (something that means the world to me) that you can do better than the guy you describe as hurting you terribly. And I think I'd find a job somewhere else than a liquor store. If you want to get serious about recovery, and visiting this site is a solid first step, then you need to make some changes. Start by focusing on one thing: not drinking today.

Fandy

do you think you are "going to find some way to be happy" inside a bottle of booze?


Like my mother always told me, "you're not going to meet anyone sitting in your living room by yourself".

Freeport makes some excellent points, youhave to start somewhere....making drunken calls to your X is maybe not a good thing.

littlefish

Welcome SS!
You are not weak or an idiot!....you have a disease.

If you are up for a little advice, I would suggest taking a few steps in the right direction. It's good you are seeing a therapist. Are there any outpatient addiction programs in your area that provide counseling for addiction and alcoholism issues?
You might find that a therapist who specializes in addiction and alcoholism is going to be rather different and perhaps more helpful.
If you can, make an appointment with your doctor. Discuss all of your problems: the drinking and the depression.
I guess I'm suggesting that you put a program together for yourself: doctor support, addiction/alcohol therapy and a group program like AA.
Or an AA alternative.
If anything, it will break your isolation and get your feet moving. The part of drinking that almost killed me...was isolation.
I isolated so much that my AA sponsor and my alcohol therapist gave me homework: call someone, every day.
Hardest homework I've ever had!

SomeoneSomwhere

So it's 3 PM and I still haven't had a drink. It's been a long time since I made it past 11:00 without one so this is somewhat of an improvement. The bottle is still in my room and I am feeling a pretty strong urge to drink it right now but I'm in the library about to get started on an essay to distract myself and distance myself from it. Tonight I'm going out to dinner with a couple of friends. I have been isolating myself a lot lately and as much as I don't want to go out and be social, locking myself in my room alone isn't going to make staying away from the booze any easier.

Let's hope I can resist drinking tonight before bed. That's always the hardest time for me. I'm feeling a bit crappy today. Not sure if it's a hung over or some kind of withdrawal. I assume withdrawals don't start this early but who knows. I don't normally get hang overs but today I've just felt very jumpy and anxious and my heart is racing and I'm having weird hot flashes. Is any of that normal? I've also felt a much stronger urge to smoke. Normally I smoke may 4-5 ciiggs a day and today I've smoked almost a whole pack. Not good for my lungs OR my wallet.

I'm really just hoping I don't drink tonight and then tomorrow will be a new day. It just feels like every minute is a struggle sometimes. But I'm trying to take it one step at a time.

I'm trying. I don't have much faith in myself but I really am going to try. Didn't go to a meeting today but I'm going to try to make it to one tomorrow.

I know I should throw the bottle away, but I just can't bring myself to do that. It's just like a safety blanket. And if I want to drink I'd just buy myself another bottle anyway. A few people from AA gave me their phone numbers to call if I ever needed to talk. I'm not sure how I feel about that but this one guy who's only been sober a week says it really has helped him to call and talk to someone that can help him to resist the urge to drink.

Anna

My suggestion is to get rid of the bottle in your room.

I hope you make it through today.

Toronto68

Someone, you're right, there always is the possibility of replenishing the bottle you tossed, if you did toss it. I did pour alcohol down the drain sometimes, thinking that was the "last time." Of course there was years more to go, because I wasn't ready to stop.

I notice you recognize you are not ready to stop too on the surface, by saying you want to have the safety net there. I was extremely lucky a few months ago when I came up with a plan out of the blue to get "screwed" by not having any alcohol to turn to while at home, so that I would have no choice but to go to bed. Starting the next morning, I didn't go out and buy anymore. I still do NOT know why I had the strength to break the pattern at that point, and that's why I refer to it as being lucky. In the past, I didn't drink problems away, I just poured alcohol on them.

There is no contest between alcohol and a human being, the chemical is always going to be the winner. The safety net is more like a web to me now (now that my 20s and 30s are gone), and that's why I am not buying any more alcohol. I don't have all my problems solved, but I can at least have the satisfaction in knowing I had either a miserable or great 24 hours (or 24 minutes) that I OWNED and can do something about with my brain and emotions and body. If I drink, I am just going to be all tied up in that net and I would not have clear access to myself again.

What I want to suggest is that you not focus on the Big Purpose and the Love and the Big Questions in life. Live inside a day like there are walls around that day with lots to do instead of drinking, then wake up and do the same thing. Break the pattern. I got confidence and saw "something" - it wasn't a great white light, but it was something - after I stacked the days on top of each other and admired the accomplishment. Life is miserable or great for a day or 20 minutes, but I OWN the time again in a way I did not as a drinker.

SomeoneSomwhere

I didn't make it =(

Why am I even here, why do I even go to meetings? I am the only person who can make me stop and until I can get serious about this nothing will make me stop.

I admit it now. I'm an alcoholic. I am. I really thought I could resist it but I couldn't. For the first time I'm scared.

Toronto68

That's fine, Someone. I had a feeling you might want to say that, but I wasn't sure.

If you keep drinking tonight, then why don't you make it so that you have none left in the morning, dunking what you cannot drink. Don't get any tomorrow. Cry and feel misery and post here all you like. It will be like a gift at the end of the day. Make either work or sleep or whatever makes drinking impossible the substitute for alcohol all day tomorrow. Try it, and see what you get.

Dee74

Mostly everybody here has been where you are SS. You're not alone
And, for me, admitting my problem was a great step forward to wanting to solve it

I think the key is reaching out - listening to other peoples stories and cultivating that willingness to try anything...and never giving up.

Give the one day at a time thing a go again tomorrow
D

Lenina

(((Someone)))

I also tried to wait for the perfect time to get sober, like when I wasn't in pain, could sleep and my life wasn't chaos. I don't think that can happen as long as I had alcohol in my house and in my body.

Is it possible for you to go to an inpatient detox? You might try that. And then, while you're there, look into a plan for sobriety. There's a number of good ones available these days. CBT, Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART, Life Ring...many more options!

AA is a good choice as it's free, it's available nearly everywhere and even online. I like Rational Recovery. You can get the book at the library. Why not go have a look?

We'll be here for you!

Love,

Lenina

littlefish

Someone: as others have said: we've all been there.
When I first came to SR people made a great suggestion to me that I am happy to pass on: make a plan.
Making a plan will start giving you hope and confidence. Your plan can start out with small steps, like a call to an outpatient rehab center or attending a meeting. Or you can throw yourself into a more rigorous program of 90 meetings in 90 days and finding a sponsor in AA.
But, whatever you choose, you WILL feel better if you start taking some concrete action to address your alcoholism.
You've come to the right place: you will find a lot of great support here! Keep coming back.

SomeoneSomwhere

So I admitted it in a meeting tonight. I mean the whole being an alcoholic thing. It felt weird saying it out loud but also kind of...a relief. I suppose. Since I've gone to five meetings at the same place, there are a few people who know who I am. And they were all proud that I introduced myself as an alcoholic today.

I didn't get drunk today. That's a good thing right? A start at least. Anyway if someone could let me know how I go about getting a sponsor I'd appreciate it. I'm considering some kind if inpatient program but I am terrified of people finding out about my problems. I've kept it a secret so far and I'd really like to work things out on my own and keep my parents and others from finding out. Going in to treatment would make that impossible.

Dee74

It's a very good thing not getting drunk today

I don't know too much about sponsors but I think you just pretty much....ask someone?


Others will be along I'm sure with more helpful ideas LOL
D