Courage to Change; Page 37
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Courage to Change; Page 37
The Courage to Change book has been instrumental in changing my thinking towards myself and my life.
One of the pages that keeps me sane is Page 37 February 6
By the time I reached Al Anon, I was desperate to do something about my relationship with my alcoholic. I hoped that you would tell me to "Throw the bum out", so I was dismayed when a member suggested that I make no major changes for six months after coming to Al Anon. By the end of the six months, my thinking had changed dramatically and I was grateful to have waited.
At that point, something inside of me told to me to continue to wait, to learn, to recovery before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait!. I struggled, prayer for guidance, weighed the pros and cons.
The answer was always the same:"Wait, do nothing yet. The time will come"
That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.
I was immediately consumed with guilt and self doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much and thought I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer.
I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with.
Today's Reminder
When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force a solution, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes "When in doubt, don't"
I always try to force answers in my life, not just with my relationship, but with work, family, friends etc. There is a state of calm in waiting that I just cannot grasp.
your thoughts or share a page that really speaks to you
One of the pages that keeps me sane is Page 37 February 6
By the time I reached Al Anon, I was desperate to do something about my relationship with my alcoholic. I hoped that you would tell me to "Throw the bum out", so I was dismayed when a member suggested that I make no major changes for six months after coming to Al Anon. By the end of the six months, my thinking had changed dramatically and I was grateful to have waited.
At that point, something inside of me told to me to continue to wait, to learn, to recovery before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait!. I struggled, prayer for guidance, weighed the pros and cons.
The answer was always the same:"Wait, do nothing yet. The time will come"
That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.
I was immediately consumed with guilt and self doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much and thought I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer.
I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with.
Today's Reminder
When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force a solution, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes "When in doubt, don't"
I always try to force answers in my life, not just with my relationship, but with work, family, friends etc. There is a state of calm in waiting that I just cannot grasp.
your thoughts or share a page that really speaks to you
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I read that book and I remember reading that. I was confused them and I'm not sure I really get it now either.
When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force a solution, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes "When in doubt, don't"
The confusion lies in the fact that I knew in my head that leaving was the best for me but I was consumed with guilt and self-doubt. I had zero trust in myself.
My thinking was terribly distorted *by* the relationship. I waited and did nothing for years. I wanted the answer to feel good. I was not waiting for a solution, I was avoiding one.
Perhaps with more recovery I would have reached a place with no doubt. I went to al-anon *after* I had made the initial decision to leave him.
When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force a solution, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes "When in doubt, don't"
The confusion lies in the fact that I knew in my head that leaving was the best for me but I was consumed with guilt and self-doubt. I had zero trust in myself.
My thinking was terribly distorted *by* the relationship. I waited and did nothing for years. I wanted the answer to feel good. I was not waiting for a solution, I was avoiding one.
Perhaps with more recovery I would have reached a place with no doubt. I went to al-anon *after* I had made the initial decision to leave him.
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Originally Posted by Thumper 
I waited and did nothing for years. I wanted the answer to feel good. I was not waiting for a solution, I was avoiding one.
I agree that forcing solutions is not usually helpful, but waiting for someone else to solve my problems doesn't work either.
Here is my favorite reading on the subject:
From the Language of Letting Go - May 9
Learning New Behaviors
Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.
—Codependent No More
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn.
The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy . . . now.
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.
It shall.
Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.
Learning New Behaviors
Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.
—Codependent No More
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn.
The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy . . . now.
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.
It shall.
Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.
L
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I actually see a great deal of similarity between the two readings posted.
Though there are differences, they both indicate the value of creating a spacious place -- physically or temporally -- where we can listen for that small still voice of guidance.
Rather than trying to throttle Guidance into telling us the answers now, now, now LOL
For some, that spaciousness can be achieved from within the relationship through careful detachment and inner work. For others, it isn't possible to create space without putting more psychic distance between themselves and the object that's creating the confusion (taking a break, NC, etc.)
It's really a very individual process that everybody has to figure out for themselves. I've met quite a lot of both kinds of people here.
I love seeing what readings people find meaningful. Any others?
Though there are differences, they both indicate the value of creating a spacious place -- physically or temporally -- where we can listen for that small still voice of guidance.
Rather than trying to throttle Guidance into telling us the answers now, now, now LOL
For some, that spaciousness can be achieved from within the relationship through careful detachment and inner work. For others, it isn't possible to create space without putting more psychic distance between themselves and the object that's creating the confusion (taking a break, NC, etc.)
It's really a very individual process that everybody has to figure out for themselves. I've met quite a lot of both kinds of people here.
I love seeing what readings people find meaningful. Any others?
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Me too. I was waiting for him to do something (get sober), instead of taking right action for my life.
I agree that forcing solutions is not usually helpful, but waiting for someone else to solve my problems doesn't work either..
I agree that forcing solutions is not usually helpful, but waiting for someone else to solve my problems doesn't work either..
I have to add, if an addict is active or seriously abusive, then waiting is not an option. In my case, the person in my life has been sober a while and is in recovery. This page would not have held much to me had he been active or not interested in recovery.
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Originally Posted by Thumper
I read that book and I remember reading that. I was confused them and I'm not sure I really get it now either.
When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force a solution, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes "When in doubt, don't"
The confusion lies in the fact that I knew in my head that leaving was the best for me but I was consumed with guilt and self-doubt. I had zero trust in myself.
My thinking was terribly distorted *by* the relationship. I waited and did nothing for years. I wanted the answer to feel good. I was not waiting for a solution, I was avoiding one.
Perhaps with more recovery I would have reached a place with no doubt. I went to al-anon *after* I had made the initial decision to leave him.
When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force a solution, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes "When in doubt, don't"
The confusion lies in the fact that I knew in my head that leaving was the best for me but I was consumed with guilt and self-doubt. I had zero trust in myself.
My thinking was terribly distorted *by* the relationship. I waited and did nothing for years. I wanted the answer to feel good. I was not waiting for a solution, I was avoiding one.
Perhaps with more recovery I would have reached a place with no doubt. I went to al-anon *after* I had made the initial decision to leave him.
Do you regret leaving?
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Location: Tucson, AZ
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Lately I have been living by this quote (and I don't remember where I got it, it may have been here!)
Never make decisions when you are angry and never make promises when you are happy
I have an "I want it now" personality too. When I am angry I am very quick to jump to make decisions without thinking clearly. This statement has helped me learn to think about things before I say them and not make a decision that I may regret in the future.
Never make decisions when you are angry and never make promises when you are happy
I have an "I want it now" personality too. When I am angry I am very quick to jump to make decisions without thinking clearly. This statement has helped me learn to think about things before I say them and not make a decision that I may regret in the future.
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Originally Posted by sapphire69
Lately I have been living by this quote (and I don't remember where I got it, it may have been here!)
Never make decisions when you are angry and never make promises when you are happy
I have an "I want it now" personality too. When I am angry I am very quick to jump to make decisions without thinking clearly. This statement has helped me learn to think about things before I say them and not make a decision that I may regret in the future.
Never make decisions when you are angry and never make promises when you are happy
I have an "I want it now" personality too. When I am angry I am very quick to jump to make decisions without thinking clearly. This statement has helped me learn to think about things before I say them and not make a decision that I may regret in the future.
I wonder if the "I want it now" glitch is a codie thing?!
Psalm 118:24
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach
My therapist tries to knock this in my head over and over. I just feel like if I make a decision when I am angry, I'll have a better change of sticking to it.
I wonder if the "I want it now" glitch is a codie thing?!
I wonder if the "I want it now" glitch is a codie thing?!
Seems more like an alcoholic thinking.
Patience is a virtue that, has to be learned.
Look how parents give into their kids. Kids learn if, I beg, whine etc. long enough, they'll get their way. I never or I should say hardly got my way growing up. That's a good thing.
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Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
Seems more like an alcoholic thinking.
L
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I'm sorry I haven't read everyone's posts so I hope I'm not copycatting someone.
This is freaking awesome. I LOVE this. I understand it and at times live it. It's about, for me, being rooted into the earth through my heels. Like a tree. Still and strong. Sure.
I have to say I could not grasp this concept either, the waiting or stillness concept, until I started practicing Bikram yoga. When you stand in a 105 degree room and breath very intentionally through each pose, you learn how to be patient and strong and still all at the same time. For me, someone who has fluttered like a hummingbird my entire life, it's a sensation I've never expereinced. At 45.
Haven't you ever told yourself "oh I don't have to worry about this right now. The right solution will come to me?" That's one of my mantras. Here are the rest and on those days that I open the coffee cupboard while drinking my coffee at 5am, and read these things out loud to myself--I'm invincible.
I am grounded in my own power.
I am willing to change
I am willing to release
I love who I am.
I experience love wherever I go
I have a slender, healthy, strong body
I have the perfect living space
I am now very well organized
The perfect solution to every situation
comes clearly to me
Riches of every sort are drawn to me
This opens up the Universe, Man. All things become possible. When I wait in this way, and pray, I know I'll be taken care of. I know I don't have to do anything, make a decision, or act right now because something amazing is going to happen.
Thanks for posting!
This is freaking awesome. I LOVE this. I understand it and at times live it. It's about, for me, being rooted into the earth through my heels. Like a tree. Still and strong. Sure.
"Wait, do nothing yet. The time will come"
Haven't you ever told yourself "oh I don't have to worry about this right now. The right solution will come to me?" That's one of my mantras. Here are the rest and on those days that I open the coffee cupboard while drinking my coffee at 5am, and read these things out loud to myself--I'm invincible.
I am grounded in my own power.
I am willing to change
I am willing to release
I love who I am.
I experience love wherever I go
I have a slender, healthy, strong body
I have the perfect living space
I am now very well organized
The perfect solution to every situation
comes clearly to me
Riches of every sort are drawn to me
This opens up the Universe, Man. All things become possible. When I wait in this way, and pray, I know I'll be taken care of. I know I don't have to do anything, make a decision, or act right now because something amazing is going to happen.
Thanks for posting!
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
My therapist taught me that alcoholism and codependence are two branches of the same tree. In that light, it makes sense that many of the thought processes are the same.
L
L
This makes sense. My therapist said I have some "ism's" but I'm still in denial about this.
I never whine to get what I want, Never kick and scream, but I will manipulate to get answers. This has been my survival in life and business.
It hurts and helps
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Transform, that is brilliant.
I'm going to make a copy of that list and keep it with me.
Yoga is very grounding and I need to do more of it. But I am so impatient, I can't hold a pose long enough....haha! I want to feel peace NOW, not later ;-)
Thanks for sharing
I'm going to make a copy of that list and keep it with me.
Yoga is very grounding and I need to do more of it. But I am so impatient, I can't hold a pose long enough....haha! I want to feel peace NOW, not later ;-)
Thanks for sharing
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Hmm. I need to do some more work obviously 
. I am still having a hard time applying this, and I am fairly sure that is because I am in the dark about something, not that it really doesn't apply
I could wait around forever, trying to put each minute piece of the puzzle together before taking an action. I want to put the pieces that are there together, reshape the ones that don't fit, try to mystically predict which ones are around the corner, stubbornly make the entire picture morph into what I want, manipulate the universe into giving me the right pieces, wipe away all traces of doubt, before taking one baby step. Quick to act does not seem to be my problem, lol.
I can see it with reactions in converstations though. I wanted to answer the question right now. Then I felt like I needed to stick with that answer. It was so hard, yet powerful, to learn to say "I don't know." "I can't answer that now." It sent xah over the freak'n edge by the way but it was what I needed and had never allowed myself.
Anger has me a little baffled too. I don't get angry. It is there I'm sure I just don't really feel it. I don't get in fights with adults (sadly I seem to boil over with my kids instead but I am getting lots better with that). So when I finally got angry with my xah it was a catalyst to keep moving forward. To stand up for myself. That was not the quick anger of an argument but more of an awareness. That seems to be more useful and a good fuel to make decisions but again, maybe I'm just missing something.
. I am still having a hard time applying this, and I am fairly sure that is because I am in the dark about something, not that it really doesn't apply I could wait around forever, trying to put each minute piece of the puzzle together before taking an action. I want to put the pieces that are there together, reshape the ones that don't fit, try to mystically predict which ones are around the corner, stubbornly make the entire picture morph into what I want, manipulate the universe into giving me the right pieces, wipe away all traces of doubt, before taking one baby step. Quick to act does not seem to be my problem, lol.
I can see it with reactions in converstations though. I wanted to answer the question right now. Then I felt like I needed to stick with that answer. It was so hard, yet powerful, to learn to say "I don't know." "I can't answer that now." It sent xah over the freak'n edge by the way but it was what I needed and had never allowed myself.
Anger has me a little baffled too. I don't get angry. It is there I'm sure I just don't really feel it. I don't get in fights with adults (sadly I seem to boil over with my kids instead but I am getting lots better with that). So when I finally got angry with my xah it was a catalyst to keep moving forward. To stand up for myself. That was not the quick anger of an argument but more of an awareness. That seems to be more useful and a good fuel to make decisions but again, maybe I'm just missing something.
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