Intense feelings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Intense feelings
Hello all...
I am ok and made it through just to reassure everyone.
I know I go in circles with what I want and my emotions. Since contact was broken by my AH, I have to admit it has been the worst thing possible for me.
Today, I got so depressed that I actually thought about ending is all. Yes suicide. I surprised myself by these thoughts. Again..I am ok and seeing my doctor tomorrow and my dad is here although he has no idea why I asked him to come here but I dont want to share with him.
I wanted to end it because I feel life isnt what I thought it would be. I lost my husband, my sister no longer speaks to me, my mother doesnt care. Everyone I had faith in bailed on me. Only my A father and some friends seem to give a crap. With that in mind I thought about how painful life can continue to be. How painful life has been. It seems I just cant catch a break. I always live life by learning lessons the hard way. Its truly such a painful way to live and I have to confess I usually make it through the day a minute at a time. And I have been living this way for a while. And the rollercoaster of emotions is really taking its toll on me.
I wanted to end it because I wanted the pain to stop.
I looked up some great websites about suicide and help and they truly helped me though this episode.
Right now I have to admit that many of the people I have in my life are toxic. I dont seem to be doing well with alanon either. I just dont fit in and I cant grasp the concept.
The truth is..maybe I havent really admitted how horrible A was to me and what a horrible life it was and maybe I am truly in so much pain because of it. When people get divorced, you often hear: move on, you'll find someone better, your still young. I made a promise to someone to be with them forever and there was no exchange policy as a disclaimer. To me that is the worst thing to hear.
I am surprised as a codie I was always tough as nails..I could do anything for anybody. But today I couldnt mask the horribly painful feelings pouring out of me. Living with an A truly damaged me. I understand now how people say to take care of myself really well at this time. I didnt understand that before. I have to face what happened.
And I have to look at this from an outsider's point of view of my own life. If my life has been so rotten and this person who claimed to love me can do so many hurtful things to me that I am at the point of suicide..then I need to shut it all out and truly get myself well. There can be no distractions from him or anyone else toxic. There should be no place in my life for people that have hurt me so much to the point of me wanting to end my life to get away from the pain.
I feel better now. I am concerned some of the new medication may be the culprit but I had a good cry and as I mentioned called my doctor and my dad so I am ok.
This was the scariest moment of my life. And after it passed, I had the most powerful feeling to live and continue on and do whatever it takes to never feel that again.
Please pray for me for those that believe in prayer.
Thank you for listening.
I am ok and made it through just to reassure everyone.
I know I go in circles with what I want and my emotions. Since contact was broken by my AH, I have to admit it has been the worst thing possible for me.
Today, I got so depressed that I actually thought about ending is all. Yes suicide. I surprised myself by these thoughts. Again..I am ok and seeing my doctor tomorrow and my dad is here although he has no idea why I asked him to come here but I dont want to share with him.
I wanted to end it because I feel life isnt what I thought it would be. I lost my husband, my sister no longer speaks to me, my mother doesnt care. Everyone I had faith in bailed on me. Only my A father and some friends seem to give a crap. With that in mind I thought about how painful life can continue to be. How painful life has been. It seems I just cant catch a break. I always live life by learning lessons the hard way. Its truly such a painful way to live and I have to confess I usually make it through the day a minute at a time. And I have been living this way for a while. And the rollercoaster of emotions is really taking its toll on me.
I wanted to end it because I wanted the pain to stop.
I looked up some great websites about suicide and help and they truly helped me though this episode.
Right now I have to admit that many of the people I have in my life are toxic. I dont seem to be doing well with alanon either. I just dont fit in and I cant grasp the concept.
The truth is..maybe I havent really admitted how horrible A was to me and what a horrible life it was and maybe I am truly in so much pain because of it. When people get divorced, you often hear: move on, you'll find someone better, your still young. I made a promise to someone to be with them forever and there was no exchange policy as a disclaimer. To me that is the worst thing to hear.
I am surprised as a codie I was always tough as nails..I could do anything for anybody. But today I couldnt mask the horribly painful feelings pouring out of me. Living with an A truly damaged me. I understand now how people say to take care of myself really well at this time. I didnt understand that before. I have to face what happened.
And I have to look at this from an outsider's point of view of my own life. If my life has been so rotten and this person who claimed to love me can do so many hurtful things to me that I am at the point of suicide..then I need to shut it all out and truly get myself well. There can be no distractions from him or anyone else toxic. There should be no place in my life for people that have hurt me so much to the point of me wanting to end my life to get away from the pain.
I feel better now. I am concerned some of the new medication may be the culprit but I had a good cry and as I mentioned called my doctor and my dad so I am ok.
This was the scariest moment of my life. And after it passed, I had the most powerful feeling to live and continue on and do whatever it takes to never feel that again.
Please pray for me for those that believe in prayer.
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Next time you feel it, call a suicide prevention hotline. They will talk you through those difficult moments. They are trained especially for those moments you described. I had called them once when I went through something and they were able to get me to calm myself and take the steps I needed to be ok in that moment.
Hang in there. One day at a time. Sometimes, one moment at a time.
Hang in there. One day at a time. Sometimes, one moment at a time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
I so identified with your post. A similar thing happened to me, where I felt I couldn't deal with the pain anymore and felt that suicide would be a welcome way out. I had been apart from my exA for several months at the time, but still hurt terribly. Looking back, I think that was truly my codie rock bottom; I reached out for help and started to climb out of the pit. I went to meetings, therapy and immediately sought help from my doctor. That was last September and I am in a different space today!! I am a recovering A myself and I feel so strong because I didn't pick up through all that pain; I also feel strong because I was forced to REALLY start looking at myself in therapy - why did I equate an abusive relationship with love, why didn't I believe I deserved better? In many ways the suicidal feelings have saved me, both spiritually and emotionally. You are at the bottom now, and the only way is up. You sound like you are doing the right things and believe me, you WILL not only survive this but you will be a much stronger person for it. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your HP is with you. You are never alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by megan09 
I so identified with your post. A similar thing happened to me, where I felt I couldn't deal with the pain anymore and felt that suicide would be a welcome way out. I had been apart from my exA for several months at the time, but still hurt terribly. Looking back, I think that was truly my codie rock bottom; I reached out for help and started to climb out of the pit. I went to meetings, therapy and immediately sought help from my doctor. That was last September and I am in a different space today!! I am a recovering A myself and I feel so strong because I didn't pick up through all that pain; I also feel strong because I was forced to REALLY start looking at myself in therapy - why did I equate an abusive relationship with love, why didn't I believe I deserved better? In many ways the suicidal feelings have saved me, both spiritually and emotionally. You are at the bottom now, and the only way is up. You sound like you are doing the right things and believe me, you WILL not only survive this but you will be a much stronger person for it. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your HP is with you. You are never alone.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Lulu, I pray and will pray for you tonight as I can tell you were scared. Thank you for posting, as again, this forum enables all of us to know others share our pain. Last week while driving I thought about the same thing you did. 5 minutes of it was enough, but it did enter my mind.
Lulu know that you passed the test, let it out and are now better. You have a heart of gold and keep it shiny by trusting in the Lord. Satan tried to crack it and convince you to throw it away, but you defeated him. You have been so helpful to me and I want to keep hearing from you about yourself also.
We love you, smile and cry, we do too!
Lulu know that you passed the test, let it out and are now better. You have a heart of gold and keep it shiny by trusting in the Lord. Satan tried to crack it and convince you to throw it away, but you defeated him. You have been so helpful to me and I want to keep hearing from you about yourself also.
We love you, smile and cry, we do too!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Lulu,
I am concerned about you. I am glad that your family is near and would suggest you let on of them know what is going on so that they can make sure you get the support you need. People don't understand sometimes but what you went through requires specific attention even if temporary.
I am glad that you feel you can talk here - again there is a chat room to talk when needed.
Please be sure to ask if the meds can have this side affect - many antidep do and antianxiety meds can zap your physical and mental energy to the point where you feel useless. Be careful and stay informed.
I also think there is a crisis center here on the site to check out what support they can offer.
I am concerned about you. I am glad that your family is near and would suggest you let on of them know what is going on so that they can make sure you get the support you need. People don't understand sometimes but what you went through requires specific attention even if temporary.
I am glad that you feel you can talk here - again there is a chat room to talk when needed.
Please be sure to ask if the meds can have this side affect - many antidep do and antianxiety meds can zap your physical and mental energy to the point where you feel useless. Be careful and stay informed.
I also think there is a crisis center here on the site to check out what support they can offer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Lulu. Please see the doctor tomorrow and let us know how you are feeling. Please. We care so much.
Thank you for calling your dad to come stay with you. Alone and scared is no way to be.
Keep posting if it feels good. We're listening, friend.
Alice
Thank you for calling your dad to come stay with you. Alone and scared is no way to be.
Keep posting if it feels good. We're listening, friend.
Alice
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