cessy68

a quote from a thread that I didn't want to hijack, and have seen this over and over, and need answers.

"or can you accept him as is/where is knowing that addiciton is progressive"

Help me with this one.

I see this over and over, from various well-equipped members.

I feel guilty.

I wonder if I could have "accepted him" as is.... that the outcome for me would have been different.

I couldn't.

For a few days I would. I tried, really really hard. I tried loving the man, and leaving the rest alone.

Then the ramifications would creep up. My anger set in. Living with someone who HAS to lie to you to protect their addiction.... even without me asking questions, underminded our relationship.

Hearing the cell phone buzz... and KNOWING, that when he was going to get his pills, and telling me, "i gotta go do this/that/the other thing" was a LIE...

I couldn't accept it.

As I said, I pretended for a while, then the anger would come in, with my tantrums like a four year old. Or as HE put it, my searching through his phone like "detective cluso"

I feel quilty that I couldn't just accept it. However, it underminded the fundamental aspects of what I hold important in a relationship..... honesty. Open communication. Friendship. HONESTY.

I just couldn't do it.

Would of it ended differently if I stood by and 'accepted' it?


ANY perspective would be appreciated.

Love,
cess

gfunknown

I would like to know the ramifications too if we stay together. My ex ABF is out of my life somewhat, but I still think of him constantly like he is hovering over me. We ended our relationship since I was becoming distant due to his use and I was afraid. Now, since we are apart, I wish I didn't so the things that I did. I knew I was becoming strong at the time seeing all the lies, binging, the drama/chaos, leaving for a few days, being sick with the flu a few days...it was getting crazy!

Would things get worse as time goes on if we stay with the abuser/addict? I rather be with him instead of wishing to be with him.

Somedays are worse than others.

Btw, we talk once a week or so. He is away in the States for his winter vacation/work related kinda deal. I am not worried at all. I know he is a big boy and he can take care of himself. He'll be back in 2 more long long months. I do miss him and he knows it.

I do not call or contact him, he calls me.

cessy68

i hear this thinking... it's the questioning of our own TRUTH.

When your in it, you want OUT.

When you are OUT, you'd rather just be IN.


I hope someone answers both of our questions........ and I am thankful, that I have people out there that understand my position, (as well as yours) because you are walking the walk i am.

Love,
Cess

gfunknown

Somedays I get on a big thought about the XABF and I can't let go...it devours all my energy and there is nothing I can do but just think - it gets me no where. The mind is so powerful and it is tiring me out.

I truly want to be in it (relationship) with him and be happier...but is that just an illusion? Or a temporary relief, just to see and be with him?

I am so confused...is it that I want to be with someone who is comfortable and not wanting to move on to some one new and starting all over again? Deep down, I do have trong feelings for my XABF...am I just scared?

I was doing so well before X-mas and once New Year's came along, we got together platonically had a good time together as friends. I wanted more to happen, but I figured I'd behave and have respect for myself. I would feel even worse if we did connect intimately. Now I wish I did in some ways...ho hum...but I couldn't at the time....if you know what I mean. Bad timing...grrrrr lol

sofacat

I was never good at the whole "detachment thing"...I especially am not good with the being lied to thing either.

Seems to Me that if we just went on in our relationships "as is" then that would just be a lie too. Compromising the things we value in a relationship just to be with someone doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What's the point?

Now we know there are a lot of recovering addicts out there who are in relationships and some in the relationships they were in when they were active. Unless there's a little "secret" out there that we don't know about...maybe those people just knew how to detach better. Who knows?

All I know for myself is that I don't want these things in my life anymore and I can't be putting more focus on my mates and their needs before my own.

PS~ Everything you just wrote...I could have wrote myself...including the tantrums.

teke

well you guys, i tried to stay through it all, i mean everything you described above. back and forth between all the emotions you described above and after 21yrs of it, i came here believing i was literally insane.

addiction is so progressive. good for a little while then the cycle would eventually start over, each time being worse than the time before. like you said, when he was gone, i wanted him back and when he was back, i wanted him gone.

it really feel like i wasted 21yrs in a relationship that i wished for and not one that was.
i'm a ra, you would think i might know how to accept him as is but living like that was a real nightmare for me. i finally realize that the best thing i could do to help my ah WAS to step back and allow him to find his bottom on his own, hopefully he'd soon see for himself just how destructive his life had become and want to seek help for himself.

my family made the decision to step out of my way and let me fall as low as i wanted to go. today i'm 7yrs clean and remember every minute of how hard it was to find my way back up and those thoughts are what helps me want to stay sober.

there are those who stay and learn to cope,alanon or naranon can help with that but i now believe that it take two people to make a healthy relationship.

cessy68

aw... thanx sofa.... and here I thought I was the only sane woman, who occasionally acted like a raving lunatic, pouting, and stomping about like a four year old!!! (( HUGS))

love,
Cess

Carol Star

I so relate to everyone. My therapist said my integrity got me out. I had a real hard time, couldn't sleep, lost 30 pounds,missed him so much.....surgery with a hacksaw. But I just couldn't take it. I would be fine for a day or two, then I would get so angry. He would take off with his immature, addict friends or have them over. It was like living in a fraternity. Now after 2 1/2 years divorced, I am ok. No contact is best. His disease was/is progressing. He has a blog on google and I can see how he is losing his mind. I don't talk to him I just read it. I shouldn't. It makes me sad. I am really doing ok but it took a very long time. I just couldn't take it. I couldn't take the verbal abuse, driving him when he lost his license from a DUI, seeing him drunk with crossed eyes, him passing out and dropping cigs on the rug, him embarrassing me in front of people, falling down steps, passing out, criticisms, him wanting sex when he was out of it, worrying about $, he was fired from a great job,he went to jail, was growing weed in the closet with two teenagers in the house, the lies, and he was not responsible and blamed everyone else. I just couldn't take it. I was in love with his potential not who he was. It is hard. It is sad. It was making me crazy.

sofacat

Nope....I guess that means we're not unique. What a bummer.

They even have a smiley for it. Crap!

cessy68

hmmm. great post carol. I say this not because of the pain you indured, but because a post like yours was always a 'barometer' for me, in the "see, cess, it's not THAT bad" and I would justify staying with someone that caused be to decieve MYSELF.

Although he didn't embarrass me in front of people, didn't bring drugs into my home, or get DUI's ...... i still felt like the LIES ALONE were enough for me. To see him HAAAAPPPPPY, then DOOOOOWN..... that was enough. To have me be "his babbbby girl" when high, then "leave me alone" when NOT HIGH, was enough.

I got sick of dealing with scraps..

Then I wondered about the initial question I asked.... could have I just accepted the 'good' with the bad? Accept him "as is"? And it wasn't 'as bad' as say what YOU went through...........

Do you know what I'm saying?

I wish I could just be more confident in my decisions......

Love,
Cess.

p.s. I'm glad to hear you are at peace and doing so well. (hugs)

Done_With_It

I guess I kind of have to wonder why you would want to stay with someone who is in active addiction or set your standards at that level.


You said,

The 'rest' to me is a pretty big deal, being in a relationship and being okay with them being all the things that come with being an addict, a liar, a thief, a fake, etc. is something is not healthy for anyone.

This guilt of yours that you couldn't accept it seems um confused?
I think if you accepted the ways of an addict you would be miserable
and seems low self esteem. I don't know...

I know me 'personally' I DO NOT accept how I behaved, acted, or who I was when I was on meth, and I never got to the point of stealing, or where I know I was headed, but I still disgust myself thinking of who I became.
I wouldn't want anyone to accept me for who that girl was cause she was just grose and sick.

What will you accept in your life and what you won't are your right and something you should be proud of not feel guilty about.

Of course just my opinion.

I know it can be confusing with addicts, there was a time my roommate had me confused, they are charmers, my step brothers are also both addicts also, I'm sure being in love with one is that much harder.

I always try and remember if someone is blocking my light with their darkness, then my life is not as bright as it can be and I have to stop
letting them block my light.

Not trying to be judgemental or tell you how to feel here, just playing
devils advocate a little. I just think you should set your standards to
being treated like gold and if your going to be with a man, be certain
that man has your best interest at heart, not his drugs.
That is what you deserve.

cessy68

thank you for your side of it donewithit,

I hear ya.... I really do. and I think, "if i accept THIS what is that saying about ME and my standards"

Then when I see quotes like the question I posed here on this thread, it think, "well, who do I think I AM, am I so judgemental that I cant JUST ACCEPT him AS IS.... and does that mean I didn't try ENOUGH"

do you see where I vacillate between the two VERY different thought proccesses?

Love,
Cess

teke

looking back over all the yrs i spend trying to accept my ah while in active addiction, i feel i was being kind of selfish but to my own hurt. i was determined to stick around through it all waiting for my dream come true, i never thought that if i could let go, allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions, find his bottom, that it might just help him to have his dream come true too. i never met an addict who deep down wants to be an addict.

i kind of feel if i had let him go long ago, it was possible that down the road we both could have had our dreams come true. no separation or divorce has to be final unless you decide it is.

you know, i really don't know if this makes any sense to anyone except me.

Done_With_It

Kind of but HE made a choice and is continuing to make bad choices.
I don't see that as judgmental that you want nothing to do with those
choices. He wants to bring his bar down, slowly kill himself, do illegal things,
etc. that's on him, not you.
Because you do not accept his choices, what he does, etc. I don't think that makes you judgmental. If it's not okay for you to lie and do things but it's okay for him, that's a double standard?
I'm not saying don't ever try and help an addict, because that is how I got help, but when someone doesn't want help or is not ready, I just think that is their deal and it is for them to figure out.


I think we really have to come to terms with what is okay with us and what we will accept in our lives. There have been times in my life when I've had

You said,


Well I would challenge you to sit down and really ask yourself that question.

I've had to figure that out many times.
And as soon as I figure it out, it changes, lol
I'm more confident in who I am now than I have ever been.
And when the day comes that I am able to kick my roommate out, believe
me there will not be an ounce of guilt.

You have to take care of YOU first and foremost. YOU have to come first.
When you take care of yourself first, the rest falls into place and for me that is when I was finally able to really be happy.

You deserve the best you really do.
All the things you want,
fundamental aspects of what I hold important in a relationship..... honesty. Open communication. Friendship. HONESTY.
You can find them when you believe you deserve them.

SweetTea

I am new so forgive me if I sound ignorant. The ramifications seem to be the same for us as for the addict. We also end up experiencing jail, insanity, or death. For me the longer I stick it out the more health problems I have and every other sort of thing a person needs help with but not having a real partner and person there for you and with you.

Every time I miss him, I get busy because I know no matter what I say or do, our conversations never turn out like I hope. Nothing turns out like I hope or we plan. We don't resolve anything because what I think has been discussed and agreed upon turns out to be a lie .

I don't know how anyone can stay unless the person is actively in recovery and is committed to the relationship because it will destroy you. My boyfriend's commitment is to a crack pipe no matter how ill, broke, or emotional exhausted I am.

liesagain

Cessy, something i think has been missing in the post and replies is------ acceptance doesnt mean tolerating an active drug addict in your home.
Loving the man not the disease doesnt mean having an active addict in your home

detachment and acceptance are things we do to help us...........not to make us turn a blind eye or become anyones doormat or warm place to sleep.

the following is copied from some alanon sights........

But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, or condone it or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it, and I have to accept that. I MUST accept it!

to me, once we reach acceptance we then begin to look at ourselves and decide whats best for US.........often that means leaving, sometimes not

more from alanon lit.....
As the literature says, "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."

sometimes detachment means detaching from the situation..........and the person. We can still feel love for them yet know that for us, in order to be healthy and peaceful we must detach

Cess you wrote---I wonder if I could have "accepted him" "as is".... would the outcome for me have been different.

I have to ask , would what be different? If by accepting his "as is" you mean tolerating his active and more than likely progressive addiction..................sure things would have been different..........you would have continued to live a life that had an active addict in it and that barometer you gaged life by would keep changing and you'd soon find yourself accepting things you never thought you'd accept.............

if you mean, if you accepted him "as is' and overlooked the drug use and continued the same life would he have gotten clean and made it all better ...........that is doubtful.

You hear alot of slogans and saying ........so keep this one in mine too
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.

Try not to what if yourself............it keeps you stuck, look at the possibilites in your life ---
best wishes , Liesagain( which by the way.......the reason for the screenname is --it was always lies and more lies....more than I could stand to count)
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

sojourner

"or can you accept him as is/where is knowing that addiciton is progressive"

Help me with this one.

In answer to this original question: I cannot speak for the poster who wrote this. I can only speak for me. I would write this question if I knew I were dealing with someone who was stubbornly clinging to reasons to stay with the addict. As if to say to that person as a way of ending the conversation, "Well, if you think you can accept the whole thing then go for it." I would ask that question knowing in my own heart that no one can live with active, untreated addiction.

I would ask you not to interpret the answer to that question as being "yes, the greater saints among us could live with active, untreated addiction." Your inability to live with it is a sign that your spirit is alive, well, and challenging you to grow.

Keep coming back. Keep asking questions. Keep seeking the truth, because the truth will set you free!

cessy68

I like that..... and I won't read it that way in the future, because I suppose that WAS how I was interpreting the quote, (in some fashion).


Love,
Cessy

Seren

You aren't being judgmental.....you are making a decision about what sort of life you would like to have.

Cess, Mr. HG's son is an alcoholic and crack addict......he is really scary when he is using, he lies, he steals, he bullies, he has threatened people's lives. (I know you BF does not do these things, btw.) We still love the young man, we just don't include him as a regular part of our lives because that is our boundary. I don't judge myself by saying "I should be Mother Theresa and continue to open up my home to this young man--regardless of how much money, sleep, sanity I lose". The same is true for you....you are allowed to draw boundaries that are for your own health and well-being. That does not mean that you are being "superior" or that your "didn't try hard enough".

Why, Cessy, do you continue to put these labels on YOU?

Hugs, HG

cessy68

cause it hurts. It really hurts. I pretend it dosen't... and then left to my own devices (like now, when the kids are at school, and I don't have to work for a few hours.... the dog is fed, the house is clean, the errands are done) and I have to sit with myself in the silence........

That is when I label myself. I question everything I did. I assume he will be 'better' without me, and therefore I say to me, "apparently I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy of truthfulness, I allowed myself to act out-of-control, by trying to hard to make him SEE how much I was hurting.... how onto his lies I was. I think that a 'stronger' woman, would have stuck it out, or would have accepted him as-is. I feel that if he is so 'broken' and can walk away from me, like I was yesterdays trash, then perhaps I really am.

Well, that's as real as I can get.Yep. There is the nasty little inner voice, that comes along with my pain.

There are other moments of the opposite.

I know my attributes, and I can self-talk the other way..... but I buy into the negative more.

I guess that's somewhat an answer to your question.

Thank you for responding.

Love,
Cess