Blood500

Hi everyone,

I have been using from the age of 16 and feel each time I get to this point it is a totally different place, but this time I am losing the person I love and that has helped me so much in my fight to be clean and life in general. I am not 22 and from 16 the longest I have managed to stay clean was the 9 months I was in jail. My DOC is heroin. I need hope; I feel I can’t do this, not like this. I can’t live without this person, and knowing it’s because of the drug that I am losing her is paralyzing. How do you cope with lose without dulling yourself? And in a situation like this where using has me so mentally unstable, how do I get clean now? We are still under the same roof, I was just allowed back after I left for a few days, but I left her alone, to deal with my problem, what about hers. I’m the one that is there for her, how am I supposed to deal with both of our problems with out setting mine aside??? Her happiness and well being in more important to me then my own. She will be gone in 2 weeks. I do not want to live anymore my life has been one disaster after another and I’m going no where. School, work, my house none of it matters when I am mentally fu**ed. I love God, but I can’t wait to go to sleep each night and end a day, just to wake up hating the next. This cycle is destroying me as a person, what is left behind the drugs at least.

Ryan

Cherybaby66

Ryan -

Welcome back to SR. There is a lot of support here, if you are willing to take it. You sound like you are in absolute agony over things that are going on in your life right now. I am so sorry for your suffering. The problem you are going to have with your addiction is the fact that you are allowing someone elses life to be more important than your own. I understand what it is to love someone more than you love yourself. However, you will never get clean and sober until you can muster up some of that love for yourself. You can't clean up for someone else. You have to do it for you. Maybe if you can free yourself of your addiction...other things will fall into place for you.

It sounds like you may need the help of a detox facility, Ryan. Are you able to get some counseling? Is there a friend or a family member you can trust to help you through this rough time?

Aysha

I know how it feels to want to be there for others when you have a huge pile of crap on your own plate. But for me I am no use to them if I cant even be there for myself.
It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I have no choice but to let everything go to work on myself at all cost. I just recently came to that conclusion. I relapsed in a huge way the other day and lost it all any way. So i am starting over once again. I need to take this as a blessing to focus on recovery fulltime. I have been trhough so many jobs and relationships over my drug use. I never once have totally commited to recovery. I need to be all about recovery now. Because I cant continue on like this. I need to start from scratch. And now that I have lost it all. No better time than now. I cant keep going through this.
I always worry about my gram. How will she pay bills and she will be alone. but she is doing all that anyway when I check out and go to the streets.
If I am to ever be there for her like I want to be. I need to fix me first.
It all starts with you.

I just want to add that I love my gram more than anything in this world. I would kill and die for her. She is the reason I continue to try and live. But that love isnt ebnough to get me clean.

Blood500

It isn’t fair to cause the person I love all these problems and then when i decide to quit only focus on making myself ok! I can not do that to her, I have already lost her I cant leave her broken and miserable. The detox is taken care of, and I have my second meeting with a new therapist today. Can everyone really tell me I am wrong for putting myself aside to help my love? I put myself aside for all these yrs sticking a needle in my arm, I didn’t care about myself then. I didn’t care about anyone, anything. I feel I need to fix the damage I caused if I can, I’m not even sure she will let me. After everything I have done, I want to stop hurting her that’s one of the reasons for quitting so I cant hurt her more by deciding to get clean and put her aside, she is my life as I was hers. I’m so confused.

Ryan

Cherybaby66

You can't save someone elses life until you save your own first. It's like the oxygen masks that drop down in airplanes. Secure yours around your face first before helping someone else with theirs.

Vintersemestre

I'd try to work on a few character flaws but let's be honest, I'm 24 and have already been divorced once and my joints ache when it rains, it's not going to be very long before I go shout SHEMHAMFORASH in the ground with Hitler.

We all have our defense mechanisms. Mine is knowing I'm going to die at some point so I should probably kick back and stare at the grass or watch paint dry. If I don't do good enough one thing I'm very certain of is that someone will send me back here to ******* try again.

I can't help shake the feeling as though I've missed something... just, generally.

Aysha

Ok so I am a little confused. You are getting clean so you can be there for your love. So why havent you done that already? You said its your drug use that has caused you to lose her. I am glad you are quitting for whatever reason. And I really hope you can do it for whatever reason. And I am sure you can. But if you havent done it already or have tried before and failed. What makes this time different?
I am not trying to be funny or down play you or anything like that.
I wish my familys love and the desire to be there like I want to be for them was enough to get me clean. But it hasnt been and never will be. But thats just me. And to be honest, thats what has kept me using and going back. Because I am always concerened about keeping a job and just trying to be normal and pretending everything is ok when its not. I have to let that ridiculous rationalisation go or I will never be there for anyone. I will be dead or locked up.
Your not leaving her. You are building a foundation that starts with you so you can do what you need to do for her. Do you think she would want you to put yourself aside and possibly die because of this? Dont you think she would want you to take care of yourself?
Look I understand loving someone more than yourself. But do you love them more than the drugs? I can say I do but my actions and my addiciton say no.

Blood500

Thank you Aysha, I am so adamant with this because she just really needs help to ya know, not with drugs but with other issues. Your right my love for her has never stopped or swayed me to change in the past. I will focus on my recovery but still show her that i am here for her. I've always felt I put my own wants aside for her, but I am ok with that her happiness is mine, and she deserves in many times over. I need help I don't know if anything but inpatient is enough. I will try not wavering from my goals, i can point myself in the right direction but then is when i need help, sticking to something, anything is and always has been a downfall. The only consistent things I've done as of late is shoot dope and love this girl. I've become what I hate...

Ryan

CrackQuack

Welcome back to SR! I noticed your join date is 2006. I have not read your previous post and have not read any of the replies to this thread, yet. So forgive me if I repeat what others have said.
With that, HI! I am CrackQuack. My DOC is crack cocaine, and I am 9 months clean! Working on number 10! OH YEAH!
First and foremost, you'll never be able to stay clean focusing on HER problems and not your own. If you set aside your own, and manage to stay clean while helping her, then what happens when you've "fixed" her and end up with YOU and YOUR PROBLEMS? You'll end up using again. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.
Secondly, you cannot fix her or her problems. Whatever the problem is. Whatever is wrong with her, no matter if it's one thing or a hundred. You cannot fix it. You CAN fix one certain problem... Your LOVE for your DOC. If YOU USING is her only problem, the thing you can do for her IS TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF and get clean. Then stay clean. Stop your love affair with heroin. It was actually one of my former dealers (who stopped dealing and is going to school to be an IT, we stay in touch because of that- we both quit doing our thing around the same time. He quit dealing in January of 09 and I quit using in February of 09). who taught me a valuable lesson. His gf smoked crack with me and a few others. He once told her (and later, me) that leaving him to go smoke crack was like cheating on him. I didn't understand it at first. But once I realized the similar patterns between sneaking off to do drugs and sneaking off to see your secret lover, they really are the same. Crack was whom I was cheating on my current boyfriend with. When I stood him up in order to go get high, I was, in essense, cheating. I loved crack. I'd do anything to get it. Including jerking my boyfriend around and causing people (who care for and love me) much anguish and pain. It took awhile to put it together, but it's true. Your love affair with heroin is that. IF this is her problem, the only way to fix it is to control yourself, get clean, stay clean, get to meetings, see a doctor, therapy, inpatient or other type of treatment. Rehab. Get moving fast. It's a huge change, and as humans, a lot of us do not like change one bit. So the faster you start, the quicker the bad part is over and you begin to welcome and enjoy change. Perhaps she will come around and enjoy it with you. Perhaps not. You cannot control her. You cannot control anyone but yourself. You'll have to accept everything that goes with getting clean, just as you had accepted everything that went along with getting high.
I never could STAY clean when I was trying to get clean and still focus on other people's problems. Whatever problems they had, I had to be selfish and focus on myself. When I first started trying to get clean, my Mother had knee surgery. She needed a LOT of care. So I jumped in and did it. I owed her, after all (right?- riiiighhht). She had allowed me to move back in with her despite knowing I had a horrible drug problem. Knowing I stole money and pills from her so I could get more crack. But thinking like that just led me back to getting high. I couldn't handle dealing with caring for her when I was already at such a low point. And I understand we're not wired to think like that. We're wired to care for our loved ones (in most cases). To be there for them. But being there for my Mom got my focus off of my recovery and I just continued to steal from her and use. I used in her house (not smoking crack in her house was the only rule she made when she allowed me to come back home, and I broke it). So really, how much help was I? I stole from her. I broke the rule. I still went out and got high, staying away for days, worrying her. Would I come home at all? Am I alive? Will she get a call from the police that I was arrested or dead??? Ya know? Other people's problems HAVE TO BE PUT ASIDE. You should let her know that you will get clean, stay clean, and then be a more productive human being and be able to be there for her. You cannot be there for her and still use. You will only cause more pain with using.
I hope that makes sense to you. I am glad you are here and I hope SR can really bring about the hope you are looking for. The change you need, and the desire to bring it about. *HUGS*

CrackQuack

Now I wish I had read more of the thread. And yes, you are wrong, in a way. You were right in that you abused yourself in order to get high, but you are wrong in thinking you set yourself aside to get high. You thought ONLY of yourself and getting high when you stuck that needle in your arms. You MAY have gotten to that place because you did not care about yourself, but you continued to go on because you were too selfish to quit. You didn't think of anyone else and their feelings while getting high. Didn't care that they could be worried that your using would get your jailed or dead. You cared ONLY about yourself and making those dreadful feelings and self loathing go away. We got high because something is wrong with us. Deep down or right on the surface, we know something is wrong and we hid it by getting high.
And yes, you are wrong to set your problems aside in order to help her. Because, in the long run, doing that will lead you back to getting high and start the cycle all over again. Do you really want to set yourself aside, supposedly help her, only to let her down and hurt her all over again. What do you think that will do to her? Honestly, it will only F u c k her up more. That is the way wrong thing to do. It really is...
I cannot tell you how many times I thought some PERSON was the love of my life and I could not live without him. I have been married twice and I am in my FIFTH serious relationship. I am 34 years old. Some youngin's might think that is old, but well.. Considering each serious relationship has lasted 4+ years (the fifth one is my current boyfriend and we've been together a year, so far) and I started when I was 14 years old. Thought I was in love with a wonderful man. A wonderful man who sold coke, acid, pot, pills, got me pregnant, married me, and then BEAT ME EVERY DAY... Anyway, yeah, I am still bitter on that one.
But I am not saying that is what you do or did. If you two are broken up, the best thing you can do for her is to LET HER GO. Let her have her SPACE. Let her have her TIME. She can AND will seek out her own path and journey to a happier place. Not to sound feminist, but us girls are great at taking care of ourselves. We don't always need a man for help or to be our world. One thing I DID learn from all the relationships and the drug abuse is that. Women can be independent and strong. We can AND do recover. From relationships, bad times, drug abuse, physical and mental abuse, ALL OF THAT. I really don't mean to offend you, but do not think so highly of yourself, that she cannot live without you. Both of you may *feel* like you cannot live without each other, but you really CAN. And it might be best for you two to do so while you are on your path to recovery. Once you've had months, or even a year, of being clean ON YOUR OWN, without the court system having to keep you locked up to keep you clean, try going out for coffee or a movie. Something people do when they go on a first date. Or just let things go where they may. It's not up to you how she will go on with her life. She will make that decision on her own. It's up to her whether or not to include you. It's up to her whether she wants to give you the chance to redeem yourself in her eyes. All you can do is STAY CLEAN. Stay away from drugs. Better yourself. Learn more about yourself. Get on the better road.
I really don't have a full grasp on the entire situation you are in, but I know that you two CAN live without one another. YOU CAN LIVE without using. Everyone, I know, was NOT ABLE to STAY clean for another person. Everyone, I know, STAYED clean for THEMSELVES. Life is better without drugs. You can do it. So can she.

Blood500

Thank you very much for that. I just came home to a barrage of accusations and belittlement. I cant take this and stay clean it sounds so childish but it hurts so bad.

cjsg

Ryan.
SO sorry this is hurting you so much. I know how this feels. My addiction contributed greatly to a break up. Once I realised I had lost her I thought many of the things you have written here. I was crushed and absolutely frantic at the idea that I might loose her forever.. and this feeling absolutley prevented me from doing the right thing completely. This feeling can be soo strong that it will cause you to do things that actually make things worse even when you have the best intentions. Despite your best intentions.. you very well may just compound the whole business if you insist oon trying to help her. The wises thing in my opinion.. based on my whole deal.. is to get yourself straightened out first. I know firsthand how terrifying this can be... to let her go for a bit. I felt so bad and felt I just had to do it my way..offering my apologies, insisting on making amends...smothering her basically. She took me back, but due to the fact tha I had not gotten myself straight.. the union was shortlived because I had not changed the one thing in my life that provide a positive foundation for all things to come after. Had I let her be... gotten sober, and then came back... things would have gone better for me. I ended up hurting her more after we got back together... my insistance to try to make for the past was pure selfishness because I HAD to have her and help her and try to make things right. Everything has its place in the chain of events. You cant hop and skip over steps and expect things to work out well. Now that I have not been with her and have worked on my life she has been drawn to me without me even having to press the issue. We are getting along now just as we did 9 years ago when we were mad for each other and everything was pick clouds and champagne. All I have said here is based on my experience and gleaned from the hindsight I have now. I believe strongly that the best thing is to get your life back....become the person you were before drugs again... then turn your attention to the other areas of your life. You will find that the strength you gain from having changed your life will bleed over into other areas of your life and you will actually be able to make REAL changes in a relationship. With drugs in the picture you might manage to run her off for good. Please take care of yourself...... good luck and keep us posted. You don't have to live like that anymore and there is plenty of help available to you.... make a plan and bravely decide to take the steps. Shed the regret and shame and get better.
Chris

Blood500

We talked last night, truthfully, like we haven't in a very long time. I know that her leaving and going to move into her sisters is the best thing to do, so that is the plan. She has everything set up there for her to get the help she need and to work on herself. I am going to stay in our house and focus on staying clean and clearing my mind. I have to learn to let go of somethings and to deal with stress again. I want to be healthy with her not to bring her lower as I am doing now. I think this is the most mature and hardest thing to do.

windysan

How's the leg, Chris?

Blood500

Stayed clean today, thanks everyone.

Aysha

I hope it all works out for you.
Take this time a utilize it the best ways possible. It doesnt have to be the end. In fact it may very well be the beginning. I hope so. Hang in there and just do what you gotta do.

bval

The best thing I can suggest for you right now is to repeatedly (like, multiple times a day) plop your butt down in a room full of recovering addicts (NA is a perfect place) and ask the people there if they can help. And then ... just try to do whatever it is that they suggest that you do.

And you also need to stop thinking so much. Find some faith. You get clean and stay clean, everything is going to work out just fine. Trust me on this, okay? Whatever is meant to be ... will be.

Welcome to the boards, and good luck to you my friend.