RoseSalud

Right now, I'm living in a country that does not have english-speaking AA meetings; I'll be back in the states end of December. So I've been reading these threads, and trying to answer as many questions as I can to fully realize the length, danger, and complete powerlessness I have with alcohol.

Admitted I was an alcoholic about a year ago, went to a few AA meetings, relapsed about 6 months ago (after 45 day of sobriety...cause I was gonna 'prove' I could drink normally. Ha)

6 months later..and only in the last few days have I finally tried to work Step 1, on my own. Wrote out a bio of my life, and realized that from the very get-go I was an alcoholic, and even when I 'thought' I was controlling my drinking, it was only because I was substituting it with some other substance.

Basically I've spent the past two days doing this - I'm only sober two days so far - but I woke up Friday morning finally feeling suicidal (I only say 'finally', because usually I'd just wake up depressed or guilty or shameful, and think 'never again'...I never understand how people could actually want to end their life over drinking! But I hit that point two days ago. I'm sick. Tired. Both physically, and mentality I cannot handle this obsession any longer!)

So my question = what else to do for step 1? Where do I go? I don't have my big book with me here...but I just feel like if I stop 'working' on a step, then I'll slip, and I absolutely cannot do that.

I doubt I'm ready for step 2 - just cause it's only been 2 days of sobriety! But any advice so where to turn next would be awesome (oh, and also if any one knows of online - sponsor opportunities until I get back to the States).

Thanks for the support,
Rose

FNW

Hi Rose, I'm glad that you're here!

CarolD

Hello again....
Good to see you here in our Step Study Forum

ICantHeCan

WELCOME, ROSE! :day6

While I have never been to any non-english speaking countries, I would like to believe that Alcoholics Anonymous spoken in any language will offer us a daily reprieve from our disease.

In the meantime until you return to the states, there's a number of meetings available online -- the BIG BOOK is available online too.

Mark75

Hi Rose,

For me Step Two was absolutely essential for any kind of serenity in early sobriety... But lets go to step one, which is what you were asking about.

When I finally "got" step one, I was relieved. I realized that being powerless meant that I would, if given the choice, always choose to drink. That, for me was what being an alcoholic meant... So I can quit beating myself up over whether or not I can control my drinking or whether or not I can choose not to drink... I can't!!! I'm alcoholic.

So who can give me the power? Well, it would be a higher power. I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. For me it's God. So.... you know what??.... I'll let Him do for me what I cannot do for myself. And... I believe that He can.

I'll check back soon to see if you are still out there... we're just getting started!

Welcome!!

Mark

RoseSalud

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! It's amazing how very not alone I feel right now (much differently than a few hours before!)

it's funny because there are actually a bunch of AA meetings here (I've seen the signs) but I just don't have enough knowledge of the language yet to want to go to a meeting. Plus, I have read online that the meetings can be a bit rough here, so I'm hesitant to just venture out alone - it's hard enough sometimes going to meetings in the states!

As for step 2 - it's my favorite - the only one that really gives me hope. But my problem has been that I've been 'only' reaching out to God for help, and nothing else (let me explain Every time I wake up from a couple day bender, I know I can't do this on my own, and I pray. And if not too hungover, mediate for a while. Then for the next 2,3,4 days I feel very optimistic; feelings of anxiety / depression of course, but I feel like I've put this in God's hands, and I will be O.k. But then somehow, usually around the 4 or 5th day, I get such overwhelming feelings of cravings, and feelings that I can't beat it. I pray, but still have the feelings. And in my 'alcoholic' brain, I blame God! Like: why are "you" letting me have these feelings?! Why aren't you here for me?! And then perhaps out of spite, or just feelings of no-self worth, I get that bottle of whatever...and the cycle continues.

That's why this time, I knew I had to start at step one, work some kind of program...but now I'm afraid of how to proceed. How do I turn this over to God (because I DO know I can't do this on my own) without blaming him/her whenever I feel overwhelmed and worthless and weak without alcohol? And then how do I not 'flip the switch' and tune out whatever message God is trying to send, as I head to the liquor store?!

Frustration for sure.

I was a pretty spiritual person (not so much religious, but definitely had a connection with a higher power) before the drinking got really heavy. Now I feel like I don't know how to have that healthy connection again...

Thanks for letting me share.
Hope every one is well!!

Mark75

Big Book online... Read Chapter 4... We Agnostics... well, read the whole thing, but that chapter may help you find a way to tap into the power of God, as you understand Him.

One word here, Rose... Faith.

Here is the link...

Big Book On Line

Mark

Mark75

Also, Rose, There are lots of online places to download AA speaker MP3s... If you have iTunes, you can even download them to your iPod for free... or you can just the media player in your computer.

Go to podcasts and search AA for iTunes.

Here is a link for the MP3's.... Many people recommend the Joe and Charley Big Book Study tapes...

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Mark

TheSunAlsoRises

Hey I have never been in your exact situation but just wanted to offer a little encouragement. One of my friends got sober in South America, he went to Spanish speaking meetings. They told him if he was struggling with his Spanish to share in english, after all the share is really for the person sharing, especially early on... Good luck... welcome to a new life

edit: I too experienced suicidal thoughts for the first time after abstinence... Talk to a counselor about it and keep working those steps... I find a good first step without any followup just leads me to depression...

freya

Hi, Rose, thanks for posting!

"I woke up Friday morning finally feeling suicidal (I only say 'finally', because usually I'd just wake up depressed or guilty or shameful, and think 'never again'...I never understand how people could actually want to end their life over drinking! But I hit that point two days ago. I'm sick. Tired. Both physically, and mentality I cannot handle this obsession any longer!)"

Sounds like powerlessness and the unmanageability to me!

Step 1 is about acknowledging and accepting the problem......and that's, obviously, necessary and important. But we don't want to linger in or dwell on the problem, we want to identify it and get on with the solution, which, of course, would mean moving on to Step 2.

If you truly know in your heart of hearts (have conceded to your innermost self) that, alone, you are powerless over alcohol, then you have done Step 1 -- it doesn't matter if it's been 2 minutes, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 years or 2 decades....all that matters is that you know absolutely that alcohol has you beat.

...and my guess is that if you acknowledge feeling that hopeless and helpless, then you have accepted your powerlessness and you need to get on to Step 2, because you are absolutely right that Step 2 is where we find hope. And for Step 2 you don't really have to have a HP yet or know exactly what your HP is if you do have one -- all you have to do is acknowledge the fact that, if there were a HP, He/She/It could restore you to sanity.

Now this might sound really crazy to you, but clearly you can't afford to wait around until you know for certain that you have a HP and who/what your HP is, so what you need to do now is "act as if." If you knew for certain that HP was there and you've acknowledged the fact that He/She/It can help you (restore you to sanity), then what would you be doing right this minute to avail yourself of that help?????? (..and BTW, posting here is one good thing that you are already doing because lots of times HP works through other people!!)

Like you, I was very disconnected spiritually when I came into program...and I knew I wanted that connection back and so I did stuff that I saw other people doing to connect and to access HP's help and power. I did it everyday, no matter what (no matter if it felt like it was or wasn't working, no matter if it made sense to me, no matter if I felt stupid or silly) I just did it because I knew it was working for other people. I did it and after about 10 months, I suddenly realized that I was connected again and had a very strong sense of HP's presence and that, in fact, lots of really good changes were happening in my life without my really even having recognized it and without my even understanding how and why.

It seems, in my experience and from what I've heard other people share, that a good way to start is just by "praying" when you get up and before you go to bed...you can pray however you want. Below is something I heard in a meeting that, for me, is one of the greatest things I've ever heard on Step 2:

At Step 2, I tell my guys (sponsees): "You don't gotta believe in God -- but you gotta believe you ain't God --- and you gotta get down on your knees every morning and pray. I don't care what you say. You can say: "I don't believe in you, but my sponsor's makin' me do this...and, just in case, if there's anyone or anything out there listening to this and it can do anything to help me stay sober today, that'd be great."

And that's somethin' they can do, and that's fine, cuz, ya know, my HP's big enough to handle being talked to that way.

And then I tell 'em, after they've been doin' that a few weeks: "I want you to start really watchin' for "coincidences" in your life....just pay attention and keep a list and let me know what you see."

And pretty soon, they start seeing all these "coincidences" and gettin' psyched about that, and after awhile they're gettin' really into all these things they see in their lives, and then I tell 'em: "Ya know, there really are are no coincidences -- everything coincides."

And then, of course, after some more coincidences and some more time, they start to get on this kick like they're all that and the world is revolving around them, and that's when they're ready for me to lay the truth on 'em:

"Yeah. It's awesome isn't it? Life does revolve around you. It revolves around each of us -- it revolves around each of us individually. That's how great God IS.""

If there is any prayer or ritual that you remember fondly from your childhood religious practice or from the times in your life when you used to feel connected spiritually, that might be good place to start -- I started with my Grandmother's old rosary, even though I am nowhere near Catholic anymore.

Also, I do think that, if there are lots of meetings around, it would be a good idea for you to check them out. First off because, regardless of the language that's being used, an awesome concentration of HP energy will be there -- and that is always good, healing, hugely powerful energy to be around, and, secondly, because, even if the meetings aren't in English, chances are pretty good that you might be able to find at least a few folks who can speak English...and really, the importance of having real life, face-to-face support with what you're going through can't possibly overstated.

Good luck and I'll be praying for you -- freya

Mark75

Awesome post Freya... I'm just posting to emphasize what you said about not waiting around with the HP thing and the second step. Absolutely gotta get hooked into that power ASAP.

jimhere

Sounds to me like you've already took the First Step. Actually, I think you know that without me having to tell you.

In fact, Step One is not a "we" step. The First Step is an intensely and an entirely personal and internal experience. That is why the book says that we have to admit to our innermost selves that we are alcoholic and that experience is the first step towards recovery from alcoholism. Others can walk beside us and help to guide us, the journey itself is an inner, solitary journey.

And if you've taken the First Step, that means that you are ready for The Second Step. Logically, there is no place else to go. And it isn't as hard as it seems. Because it really isn't about belief, it is about willingness and willingness is about action. Last month, a guy called me up. He had drank again after a period of sobriety. I asked him if he believed himself alcoholic and was he licked and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to stop for good and was he willing to go to any extreme to do so and he said yes. Then I asked him if he believes in God and he said "I think so." I told that is a good place to start, that in fact it is the only place he can start. There is the first two steps right there.

Now I am going to ask the same thing of you that I asked of him. Get your book and open it to Chapter Five. Read from the beginning up to page 63. Consider what it says when it talks about the position we are asked to take. That from here on out God is the director, God is the principal and we are the agent, God is the Father and we are the children. Consider what it means to sincerely take that position. Consider what it means to have a new Employer. Now look at the prayer itself and consider what is saying.

After considering these terms, ask yourself if you are ready to take that position. Then get back to us and we'll go from there.
Jim

NewMe11109

Hi Rose -- Welcome to the group.

I hear myself in many of the things you have said. Although I have lived in non-English speaking countries, I haven't been to an AA meeting there, so I think the advice of sharing in whatever language you can, is a good piece of advice. But, in case you want more interaction, there is SR chat, SR posting (like you are doing), as well as so many other online resources. Please use them.

Step 1 - my favorite. It took me 6 months of sobriety to get there. I, like you, didn't think I had a problem -- but also couldn't understand why my life was going sideways (on a good day) and downhill (the rest of the time). For a long time, I wasn't really honest with myself and that led to my drinking for at least 5 years beyond what I wanted to.

I think it finally became clear to me when I got really drunk by myself - for no reason - after a happy event. I always used the negative events to justify my drinking, but for me, for some reason, it was drinking after a happy event (and not a wedding) that made me go "wow, I really can't control this."

So, I stopped drinking; went to a couple of AA meetings, read some of the Big Book, but didn't get a sponsor / didn't start working the steps. And then, life got hard.

The alcohol was my solution to my problem(s) and since I now had nothing to numb the pain, I felt all of it. When you describe the negative feelings that you have, it is very normal. Sometimes for alcoholics in the late stages, stopping drinking makes them feel much better (after the DT's wear off) because theire health improves, but for others (like me), the health isn't so bad so it can't improve that much (at least not that quickly). Sure, no bad hang-overs, but the positive changes are subtle ... but the negative ones (that alcohol is no longer covering up) aren't that subtle.

So fast-forward, on month 6, I am still sober and I celebrate my sobriety birthday. And then the cravings come. The little voice telling me "wow, that was easy. I guess you can drink. You can moderate. If you could make 6 months, then you can drink and stop a second time!" This scared me intellectually. I knew something was wrong.

And so, I hit my "bottom" at 6 months of sobriety. I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable because I couldn't control my drinking.

Fortunately, I slipped only in my mind and went directly to an AA meeting, got a sponsor, and started working aggressively on my steps.

While I don't always agree with everything or everyone at AA, I have embraced it with an open mind. I have accepted that I need to do the steps, even if that means "fake it until I make it". For me, the higher power thing did require a bit of this, but now (at 10 months), I find that I actually have fully accepted the concept of a higher power. I meditate (ok, I said it) and I pray. I keep it simple ... AM: "Good morning. Help me have a good day." PM: "Thanks"

I am a controlling over-thinker. So, I am learning (slowly) to stop trying to control and just go with it.

All I can say is Freya's coincidences are happening.

Life isn't great every day, but I feel a positive sense of momentum and a new balance that I never had in life.

You aren't alone, nor are you unique. We've all been there. Welcome to the family.

barb dwyer

Hi Rose -

Good for you -

I just wanted to swoop in and commend you for taking such an ACTIVE role
in your own recovery!

It's so refreshing -
normally, (and I'm sure you remember because we all did it at some point)
the initial phrases are
"i want to uit bnut I don't want to change anything either."
How refreshing to read that you are not only *not* of that mindset,
but you're reaching out ... and self-motivating.

Just take a sec and pat yer own back for that.

RoseSalud

Everyone, THANK YOU for the lessons, comments, words of support and encouragement. My HP is definitely connecting with me by working through others today. It's unbelievable.

So I jumped into step 2 today; and it was much easier than I had imagined. I think I had been trying to control what/when I would feel God, and then when that didn't happen, I got discouraged and gave up. But this morning, I said a little prayer, and didn't expect the miraculous spiritual awakening that I normally do - and I didn't receive one either But it gave me a bit a peace, and a bit less fear to go about my day...

While walking downtown I stopped by a beautiful catholic church that just happened to be having a service. So I walked in, sat down, and prayed again. Well not so much prayed, but just closed my eyes and enjoyed knowing that all these people were talking to and calling upon the same Light or Love that I was calling to. I felt, finally, like I could do this - I could re-build my life - wait, change that: God would lead me towards the life that he/she intended me to life, what I'm destined for.

And talk about coincidences! Later I was sitting in a plaza, and noticed (of course) 4 people sitting at a cafe, each drinking a beer and laughing. I felt sad, like 'why can't I just train myself to be like that? why can't I just enjoy a beer like happy fun people?' Within minutes, a man approached me, and he was LOADED (like still carrying the 40oz. in his hand) and started harassing me for a cigarette. When I said I didn't have any, he just stood there, glaring at me, swaying. Kinda scary. Once he left, it hit me: THAT is why I can't just have a beer! Because I'm not the type to enjoy booze like those 4 people...I'm the type to get wasted and turn into a person I don't want to be. I can only thank my HP for giving me that example today - clear as day. (Later two random women walked up and said they saw that man talking to me, and they wanted to sit with me in case he came back...protection via my HP as well )

I've had a alot of messages from you all encouraging me to attend an AA meeting, so I'm going to do it. Dang, I said it, Ok so now I really have to do it Ha ha.

Thanks again for the love and support, and for sharing your stories.
Oh and I'm going to read Chapter 5 of the BB online tonight...can't remember what it's about, but it'll be something to reflect on for the evening for sure.

Abrazos (hugs),
Rose

Taking5

Rose,

I am not sure where you are in Mexico but most of the larger cities as well as touristy places like Cancun and Cabo San Lucas have English speaking meetings. They can be tough to find however.

Even going to a Spanish speaking meeting will help you with your Spanish and help you stay sober.

Good luck.

RoseSalud

You guys are not going to believe what happened today (well, Ok, you probably will, since God works in amazing ways).

So I received an email about a week ago, from a friend of the family, who has a friend here in Guanajuato (my town in Mexico). This woman is in her 50's, from Portland OR, and has been living with her husband here...anyways, I connected with her and we decided to have coffee today.

So while talking, she was telling me about a neighboring town a half hour away that is very beautiful. She said "I go about once a week, cause there's a meeting there I like to go to". She didn't say anything else about the meeting, and I didn't ask.

But once I got home, "something" was nagging me to email this woman, and to ask "was that 'meeting' an AA meeting by chance?" I was kind of afraid to do it, cause if not, well then this woman I just met would know I was an alcoholic.
But I emailed her...and here was the response:

"Wow! Rosalie, yes, it is a women’s English language AA meeting (that is open to other 12 step program people who are allowed to share but not lead the meeting). I almost mentioned what type of a meeting it is but thought “well, need to know.” I would love to take you there. Also, we have a fledgling English language AA meeting that meets every Tuesday afternoon at 4 p.m. here in Gto. Would you like to go tomorrow afternooon? "

I can't believe how quickly God is working in my life - with SR and all the support I have found from you guys here...and now this. It's quite a miracle indeed. Just wanted to share my joy

Thanks <3

Mark75

Thanx for sharing that. Not a coincidence, uh? Wonderful!! You are no longer doing this alone!! All you had to do is ask!

Mark

freya

Wow...that's awesome!!! And what a perfect example of the way that HP always reaches down to meet us whenever we do our part in reaching out to Him/Her/It!!!!!!!!

freya

RoseSalud

The woman that God put in my life yesterday took me to my first AA meeting here in Mexico. It was just she and I (that's how small the english speaking community is here!) But it was WONDERFUL. I shared with her my history of drinking, recent struggles, finding SR and trying to work the steps. She said she's going to stick by me every single day until I get back to the states (and even then, when she visits Portland, she is going to take me to her favorite meetings )

She will have 25 years of sobriety this May, and I really really feel like she is a God send. Know that I think about it...I never really was taking the steps 'on my own': I had all of you at SR, my HP (of course), and now I'm building a little community of support here in Mexico. It really is amazing.

Thanks guys - for giving me the encouragement to reach out, ask for help, and hell yes I got quite the response!!