Right now, I'm living in a country that does not have english-speaking AA meetings; I'll be back in the states end of December. So I've been reading these threads, and trying to answer as many questions as I can to fully realize the length, danger, and complete powerlessness I have with alcohol.
Admitted I was an alcoholic about a year ago, went to a few AA meetings, relapsed about 6 months ago (after 45 day of sobriety...cause I was gonna 'prove' I could drink normally. Ha)
6 months later..and only in the last few days have I finally tried to work Step 1, on my own. Wrote out a bio of my life, and realized that from the very get-go I was an alcoholic, and even when I 'thought' I was controlling my drinking, it was only because I was substituting it with some other substance.
Basically I've spent the past two days doing this - I'm only sober two days so far - but I woke up Friday morning finally feeling suicidal (I only say 'finally', because usually I'd just wake up depressed or guilty or shameful, and think 'never again'...I never understand how people could actually want to end their life over drinking! But I hit that point two days ago. I'm sick. Tired. Both physically, and mentality I cannot handle this obsession any longer!)
So my question = what else to do for step 1? Where do I go? I don't have my big book with me here...but I just feel like if I stop 'working' on a step, then I'll slip, and I absolutely cannot do that.
I doubt I'm ready for step 2 - just cause it's only been 2 days of sobriety! But any advice so where to turn next would be awesome (oh, and also if any one knows of online - sponsor opportunities until I get back to the States).
Thanks for the support,
Rose
