Newbie - would like to chat and seek advise
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
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Newbie - would like to chat and seek advise
Hello, I'm very glad to be here. It's been years (25?) since I've been to an AlAnon meeting, and back then it was only a handful. My stepfather is a 35 year recovering alcoholic, and my brother many years, too in AA and NA. So I'm not new to all this.
Four years ago I divorced my first AH after 17 years of marriage and 2 awesome boys. Two years ago, I married my second AH. DAH! I'm angry with myself for having done this twice. #2AH was so wonderful when we were dating, an English gentleman with impeccable manners, educated, handsome, well spoken, brilliant. Yup, I let myself be fooled.
Fast forward to the reason I'm on this forum today. He's accused me of crazy things several times in the past. Including having sex with co-workers and posing for porn flicks. Last night, out of the blue, he beat me up emotionally again. This time saying he thought my X-AH was probably right all along, and I was wrong, and the divorce was my fault. Among other things. Perhaps timing, perhaps this one hit me even harder than the other ridiculous accusations. But while I was sleeping (or rather not sleeping much) on the couch last night, it occurred to me that, in order to care for myself and survive, I need to give him an ultimatum. You know, something like; if you don't get help by such-and-such time frame, you need to go. But so far, I lack the courage.
He's so brilliant that no matter what I say, he has a great retort, often accompanied by plenty of anger. Also, I'm not sure I could; a) stay with him even if he DOES get help, or b) leave him if he doesn't.
There's so much more, as I'm sure you all know. But I'm tired. For the moment, just reaching out for some support and perhaps advice if that's "allowed".
Thanks!
Four years ago I divorced my first AH after 17 years of marriage and 2 awesome boys. Two years ago, I married my second AH. DAH! I'm angry with myself for having done this twice. #2AH was so wonderful when we were dating, an English gentleman with impeccable manners, educated, handsome, well spoken, brilliant. Yup, I let myself be fooled.
Fast forward to the reason I'm on this forum today. He's accused me of crazy things several times in the past. Including having sex with co-workers and posing for porn flicks. Last night, out of the blue, he beat me up emotionally again. This time saying he thought my X-AH was probably right all along, and I was wrong, and the divorce was my fault. Among other things. Perhaps timing, perhaps this one hit me even harder than the other ridiculous accusations. But while I was sleeping (or rather not sleeping much) on the couch last night, it occurred to me that, in order to care for myself and survive, I need to give him an ultimatum. You know, something like; if you don't get help by such-and-such time frame, you need to go. But so far, I lack the courage.
He's so brilliant that no matter what I say, he has a great retort, often accompanied by plenty of anger. Also, I'm not sure I could; a) stay with him even if he DOES get help, or b) leave him if he doesn't.
There's so much more, as I'm sure you all know. But I'm tired. For the moment, just reaching out for some support and perhaps advice if that's "allowed".
Thanks!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
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Wow, you guys are FAST. Thank you. Sorry, but what's DV counseling? I'm trying to get used to all the acronyms here. It's been years since I was in counseling. Perhaps it was the wrong counselor, but the dude didn't help much at all. I figure being here is a good start. Years ago this kind of thing didn't exist. I'm thrilled it does now!
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I started to ask how it can make you sick, but it didn't take a split second to realize what you mean. I've done and contemplated things lately that I would never have imagined in a gizzillion years. Like hurting myself.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by tigger11 
I started to ask how it can make you sick, but it didn't take a split second to realize what you mean. I've done and contemplated things lately that I would never have imagined in a gizzillion years. Like hurting myself.
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Well THAT's not the direction I anticipated this going. I was contemplating the ultimatum thing, and you guys went right to what may well be the heart of the matter. I will carefully consider what you have suggested. Thank you again.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
tigger,
You can only take care of yourself. If you feel, to be healthy, that you cannot live with him as he is right now, then letting him know this is for you. If you're feeling depressed and having bad thoughts, then you need help for you.
A good therapist can help you untangle your thoughts and help you see clearly what you need to do. I can't recommend one enough, mine likely saved my life.
You can only take care of yourself. If you feel, to be healthy, that you cannot live with him as he is right now, then letting him know this is for you. If you're feeling depressed and having bad thoughts, then you need help for you.
Also, I'm not sure I could; a) stay with him even if he DOES get help, or b) leave him if he doesn't.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family tigger!
You have gotten some advise to help you help yourself. Your AH is using manipulation, blame, guilt, lies, accusations and other nasty behavior to control and demean you. You can't control him. You need to protect yourself.
You did not cause him to be this way.
You won't be able to control him in any way.
You will not be able to cure him.
Your mental, emotional, and spiritual health are at risk. We want to see you take care of yourself and get the respect and love you deserve.
Keep reaching out. We're glad you are here!
You have gotten some advise to help you help yourself. Your AH is using manipulation, blame, guilt, lies, accusations and other nasty behavior to control and demean you. You can't control him. You need to protect yourself.
You did not cause him to be this way.
You won't be able to control him in any way.
You will not be able to cure him.
Your mental, emotional, and spiritual health are at risk. We want to see you take care of yourself and get the respect and love you deserve.
Keep reaching out. We're glad you are here!
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Yes, Pelican, I agree wholeheartedly. I am his 3rd marriage. The things he's told me about his 2nd and bits and pieces of his past have assured me of those things.
If I may... it's been so rough. And the thing that keeps rolling 'round in my head the last few minutes is; how can an educated, professional, fairly successful person get so mucked up in something like this? I've heard of that happening to alcoholics and drug addicts, but to their spouses? That I would even consider hurting myself... whoa! That's something a teenager would do. But a 50 year old? It seems so bizarre. And yet, it's me. And why? Because he, as you said, manipulates me. He actually had me believing a year ago that I was a split personality, and that I might have been in porn videos. Completely ridiculous! It's your hands, your skin color, your shape, expression... you just don't remember it, you were probably drunk. And all the while I kept thinking it was so wild, but could it be? We went to a party a year or so ago with some work people. He accused me of having sex while there. He was there the whole time! It was all quite civil. Then, he was angry with me for 6 months! Brutally, bitterly, accusingly, fighting all the time, angry. SIX MONTHS! For something I couldn't possibly have done.
How do I find a DV counselor?
BTW Pelican... Hope for the Flowers is one of my all time favorite books! What were their names? Oh ya... Stripe and Yellow. Great book! And I'm a huge Narnia series (the books) fan.
I feel as though I'm saying this too much, but Thank You!
If I may... it's been so rough. And the thing that keeps rolling 'round in my head the last few minutes is; how can an educated, professional, fairly successful person get so mucked up in something like this? I've heard of that happening to alcoholics and drug addicts, but to their spouses? That I would even consider hurting myself... whoa! That's something a teenager would do. But a 50 year old? It seems so bizarre. And yet, it's me. And why? Because he, as you said, manipulates me. He actually had me believing a year ago that I was a split personality, and that I might have been in porn videos. Completely ridiculous! It's your hands, your skin color, your shape, expression... you just don't remember it, you were probably drunk. And all the while I kept thinking it was so wild, but could it be? We went to a party a year or so ago with some work people. He accused me of having sex while there. He was there the whole time! It was all quite civil. Then, he was angry with me for 6 months! Brutally, bitterly, accusingly, fighting all the time, angry. SIX MONTHS! For something I couldn't possibly have done.
How do I find a DV counselor?
BTW Pelican... Hope for the Flowers is one of my all time favorite books! What were their names? Oh ya... Stripe and Yellow. Great book! And I'm a huge Narnia series (the books) fan.
I feel as though I'm saying this too much, but Thank You!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Emotional abuse is so cunning...that oftentimes we need help identifying it, naming it, recognizing it.
It will destroy your self esteem to the point that you no longer feel you deserve better and you will feel helpless.
I think there are some stickies at the tops of forums about abuse....The book that helped me the most was an older one by Alice Walker "Invisible Wounds."
The DV counseling was some of the very best counseling I have ever had.
I wish you the very best. Strengthen yourself by whatever means possible and it will repay you many times over for the rest of your life.
It will destroy your self esteem to the point that you no longer feel you deserve better and you will feel helpless.
I think there are some stickies at the tops of forums about abuse....The book that helped me the most was an older one by Alice Walker "Invisible Wounds."
The DV counseling was some of the very best counseling I have ever had.
I wish you the very best. Strengthen yourself by whatever means possible and it will repay you many times over for the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome tigger11!!!
I hope you are finding the feedback and support here as helpful as I have found it to be. It was a revelation for me when I found this place. I had a hard time getting use to the idea of turning the mirror around and looking at things from a persepective of Me, Myeself, and I when it came to my relationship with my Alcoholic Ex Boyfriend. I was so used to focusing on what he was doing that was affecting me and our relationship that I did not realize that I had changed in many ways during our time together and was inadvertantly doing harm to him, myself, and the relationship as well.
From reading here, it seems you are realizing some things have crept up in your thoughts and behavior that you had not expected and see the harm they can cause.
I became a believer here that focusing on yourself, your physical health, your emotional wellbeing, and making decisions to protect yourself is really what will bring that light at the end of the tunnel closer. Nothing you threaten him with or cajole him into will have a true, healthy, and lasting result.
I wish you the best. Keep reaching out!!
Alice
I hope you are finding the feedback and support here as helpful as I have found it to be. It was a revelation for me when I found this place. I had a hard time getting use to the idea of turning the mirror around and looking at things from a persepective of Me, Myeself, and I when it came to my relationship with my Alcoholic Ex Boyfriend. I was so used to focusing on what he was doing that was affecting me and our relationship that I did not realize that I had changed in many ways during our time together and was inadvertantly doing harm to him, myself, and the relationship as well.
From reading here, it seems you are realizing some things have crept up in your thoughts and behavior that you had not expected and see the harm they can cause.
I became a believer here that focusing on yourself, your physical health, your emotional wellbeing, and making decisions to protect yourself is really what will bring that light at the end of the tunnel closer. Nothing you threaten him with or cajole him into will have a true, healthy, and lasting result.
I wish you the best. Keep reaching out!!
Alice
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You should be able to find hotlines in your phone book. Look under domestic violence, abused women, etc...usually there are numbers listed in the front of the phone book with other emergency numbers.
OH! And don't tell him about it, he will try to prevent you from getting help or leaving, most probably!
OH! And don't tell him about it, he will try to prevent you from getting help or leaving, most probably!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I think the most common error we make is to become used to things and underestimate the volatility of the situation and it's dangers.
I also suggest clearing your computer history, so he does not find the link to this site.
I also suggest clearing your computer history, so he does not find the link to this site.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Goodness, I stepped away for a bit and went to an AA chat room on this site, and came back to so much attention. I'm overwhelmed... in a good way.
Live - I'll look up your references and thank you for your encouragement. I use my own laptop, and wherever I go, it goes too, pretty much. But I'll do the history erase thing, too. Kinda wondering why though. Should I care if he knows what websites I'm frequenting?
Alice et al - I will start focusing on myself. And carefully read what you said about ... "nothing I can do..." And I am SO GLAD I reached out today! This is probably the best thing I've done in a LONG time.
Folks, I'm off to bed/couch now. Will check on this forum in the morning. Again, thank you all! Bless you, and good night.
Live - I'll look up your references and thank you for your encouragement. I use my own laptop, and wherever I go, it goes too, pretty much. But I'll do the history erase thing, too. Kinda wondering why though. Should I care if he knows what websites I'm frequenting?
Alice et al - I will start focusing on myself. And carefully read what you said about ... "nothing I can do..." And I am SO GLAD I reached out today! This is probably the best thing I've done in a LONG time.
Folks, I'm off to bed/couch now. Will check on this forum in the morning. Again, thank you all! Bless you, and good night.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I need to correct the name of the book by Alice Walker, it is "No Visible Wounds"
I suggested you not allow him to stalk you via your computer for several reasons.
You will benefit better from this site if you have your privacy and your ability to be honest and chat freely will not be impeded.
Likely, he will use anything he knows against you.
He will try to prevent you from getting help and from being in contact with others who would support you.
If he knows you are thinking of leaving or are leaving, this is the time when you are in the most danger.
Those are a few of the top reasons...all in all, I suggest to you that you protect yourself, actively. Because if what he has been doing stops working, chances are he will escalate.
I suggested you not allow him to stalk you via your computer for several reasons.
You will benefit better from this site if you have your privacy and your ability to be honest and chat freely will not be impeded.
Likely, he will use anything he knows against you.
He will try to prevent you from getting help and from being in contact with others who would support you.
If he knows you are thinking of leaving or are leaving, this is the time when you are in the most danger.
Those are a few of the top reasons...all in all, I suggest to you that you protect yourself, actively. Because if what he has been doing stops working, chances are he will escalate.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi tigger-
i note how your alcoholic is using your drinking in order to fabricate stories of your antics. mine did the same. i found that if i had had a few drinks, my alcoholic used that as a window to blame me for inappropriate behavior towards other men.
now, i don't think my two glasses of wine and speaking to people in a bar or social gathering can be compared to my alcoholic's drunken sex with other women.
if i had a drink or two and spoke to a man, i was accused of wanting to have sex with that guy. nothing was further from the truth.
since my "promiscuity" was an never ending source of verbal abuse opportunity for my alcoholic, i decided to stop all alcoholic drinks. then, he could not use this argument anymore.
i want to say that i never drank much, but my alcoholic used this against me so many times in arguments. for a "normal" drinker as myself, i found that even two or three drinks was enough to make me question myself and take on board the nonsense my alcoholic was trying to get me to believe about my behavior.
as a "normal" drinker, i found that it did not take much alcohol to somewhat impair my alertness. two glasses of wine was actually enough to affect me and i feel so much clearer without any of it.
so, for me, removing the alcohol 100% helped me trust my own instincts more. it also removed that platform for my alcoholic to twist things and manipulate and confuse, as they do so well.
i note how your alcoholic is using your drinking in order to fabricate stories of your antics. mine did the same. i found that if i had had a few drinks, my alcoholic used that as a window to blame me for inappropriate behavior towards other men.
now, i don't think my two glasses of wine and speaking to people in a bar or social gathering can be compared to my alcoholic's drunken sex with other women.
if i had a drink or two and spoke to a man, i was accused of wanting to have sex with that guy. nothing was further from the truth.
since my "promiscuity" was an never ending source of verbal abuse opportunity for my alcoholic, i decided to stop all alcoholic drinks. then, he could not use this argument anymore.
i want to say that i never drank much, but my alcoholic used this against me so many times in arguments. for a "normal" drinker as myself, i found that even two or three drinks was enough to make me question myself and take on board the nonsense my alcoholic was trying to get me to believe about my behavior.
as a "normal" drinker, i found that it did not take much alcohol to somewhat impair my alertness. two glasses of wine was actually enough to affect me and i feel so much clearer without any of it.
so, for me, removing the alcohol 100% helped me trust my own instincts more. it also removed that platform for my alcoholic to twist things and manipulate and confuse, as they do so well.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Want to let you all know that I have contacted, and made an appointment with for next Monday, a DV, alcohol/substance abuse, etc, counsilor. He, in turn, suggested I contact my insurance and let them know about the appointment, and got a counselor on THAT phone call who told me about their 24 hour phone support, gave me all kinds of phone numbers/hot lines for domestic violence, suicide, etc. AND let me talk and cry for about 45 minutes, and would have been longer had I wanted.
All things have worked together for good for me, thanks to beginning right here on this amazing forum, and to you folks who have walked this walk on your own, and a bit with me.
I am full of thanks, and will stay out here on this forum. Your support is of inestimable value to me. May, in fact, be the beginning of saving my life, or at least my sanity. Those of you who pray, please do so for me. And the moment I have strength, I will return the favor.
Signing off now before I short out the key board with tears. Hugs!
All things have worked together for good for me, thanks to beginning right here on this amazing forum, and to you folks who have walked this walk on your own, and a bit with me.
I am full of thanks, and will stay out here on this forum. Your support is of inestimable value to me. May, in fact, be the beginning of saving my life, or at least my sanity. Those of you who pray, please do so for me. And the moment I have strength, I will return the favor.
Signing off now before I short out the key board with tears. Hugs!
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Naive, I, much like you, am not much of a drinker. That's not to say that I haven't abused alcohol from time to time. However, I haven't had a drink in a couple of weeks, and agree with you about clarity. The slight buzz and momentary numbness isn't worth the loss of clarity. So bye bye cheap boxed wine. Didn't need it anyway. Thank you!
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