TakingCharge999

Hope you don't mind writing my thoughts down here...

I have been "romancing" the idea of xabf once again but here is a shot of reality

Yesterday was our Independence day down here... well last year I arrived home to see xabf trying to open the door.. the locks were not working well. He had been trying to open the door for more than an hour... it was like 9 or 10 pm... EVERYONE was celebrating...

Well guess WHO drove to the worse part of the city to try find someone who could help all by herself? That was my normal.. no help at all... I talked with some men that were working late and luckily they knew someone and called him and I drove him and he spent like 2 hours trying to open it and he was finally succesful... guess what xabf said? nothing... no thanks to the guy... no thanks to me.. I drove him back to the bad place.. alone again.

So in some sense it was much worse, being alone I would have handled it alright, been grateful, etc .. I wonder how many fear "loneliness" if being next to a JERK is the worse loneliness ever.

Another memory, when he was settling here he asked me to come for the weekend... that Friday I started feeling really bad with the flu... I mentioned perhaps I would reconsider going...well he got REALLY ANGRY AND HURT... and me like the good martyr I am said "no worries I will go" well there I was taking a cab from work to go to the bus central then trying to sleep for 7 hours from 12 to 7 am that was the trip here....

But wait there is more !! When I arrived I DID NOT REST... I spent ALL DAY shopping EVERY PLACE for a fridge, dishwasher etc etc... because the guy just CAN'T do things by himself...AND BECAUSE... the doormat was sacrificing her health so he didn't feel bad, how pathetic of me!!

The best part was taking the bus again at Sunday 12 pm to go back home, arrive at 7 AM to the bus central, take the metro, walk home for half an hour, then take a bath and GO TO WORK...

These months are so full of triggers... wake me up by the end of January in my birthday... I am dreading December and all the company celebrations again... yesterday a friend told me "I hope you can celebrate, drink a lot, hahahah!"

Ah, the reality... what a doormat... no wonder he acted so "loving" I solved his problems and never made him feel alone !!

I am grateful I got new "normals" yesterday I enforced a boundary and I felt GREAT... I will NEVER put someone else before my health!

TakingCharge999

The best part is when you expect something like "hey, eventhough you felt bad you came, thanks" and they say zilch, as in its expected for you to do ANYTHING for them :rotfxko I am going insane

TakingCharge999

Thanks I feel better now. How could I have been so blind??????????????

TakingCharge999

Sometimes in SR I find a lot of strength and sometimes I read other stories and got triggers...

Don't mind me today... seems I flirted again with my codie side...

Now I am reading today's "Language of Letting go"

TakingCharge999

Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness - forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.

TakingCharge999

Well, I will walk to the blockbuster, that will be at least an hour of physical engagement... thanks Melodie!!

Thanks SR for providing a space where we can look at ourselves in honesty.

lovtolaff

I ask myself this question probably about 50 times a day.

Hang in there...I know how hard it is when that "romancing the ex" mindset sets in...it sucks but I've been doing it too.

queenie88

the memories indeed. i'm having a hard time with this today. so many triggers...i just can't seem to keep it together.

bookwyrm

Time to stop tormenting yourself and living in the past. You can let it go and go out and make some new, better memories for yourselves for today! Decide to do something special on a particularly tiggersome day. Plan it, get excited about it and do it! Overwrite the bad memories with some especially good ones. You deserve it!

TakingCharge999

forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward

forgiveness: as in "its not my role to forgive, God/HP knows the truth"

compassion not for him (because i know he is not a victim but he CHOSE to do so many things and alcohol is not an excuse) but for ME, I think of all the bad times and try to think "it has been more than enough"

boundaries NO CONTACT, leave the flooor and take the stairs as soon as I hear him around, be brief and professional in the business interactions, TRY HARD to talk to him as any other coworker..

I am so sick that when you mention "create new memories" I think about how HE has done all that from day 1 and yet I still struggle sometimes with it... lately I have had to drive and go to the places we have lived and it hurts to know he is with gf 20 meters away from me...

But I feel glad I am reading my book, at least it is doing SOMETHING and not lingering in that mindset...... sheeesh.

TakingCharge999

What I will do today is work from home... unless someone complains which I don't think will happen.. I will stay here with my cat... and tomorrow as well......

Yesterday shopping I saw a tower of whiskey bottles, tequila etc and I felt like screaming ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhh

I hope you all have a better day today!

TakingCharge999

A therapist told me I did not want to live my life but live life through others... so true.

TakingCharge999

There is a meditation where you imagine the other person and a lot of ties to him, and you start cutting them out one by one... you imagine the ties black and heavy and of no use... time for it again it seems!!

queenie88

this is SO TRUE for me!!! I think I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even know how to live MY life any more. I keep thinking about xabf and all the things that he’s doing (that I either find out from him or through facebook) and I can’t help but be jealous (there it goes again…told you I had a problem with it!) He’s off living his life without a care as it seems, unfettered by any guilt or sadness or shame or regret, while I just spent yesterday crying. He’s going to concerts and shows with friends, his sister’s wedding, trips here and there. By deciding to give up everything in my life and move thousands of miles to live with him I made the choice right then and there to live my life through him, and I’m still doing that by not being able to let go and distance myself, cut all ties, go no contact. I just miss him SO MUCH and sometimes I think I want that life again. Seems like so much fun from the outside, I’m forgetting all the bad things or at least I’m trying to minimize them in my head and think that maybe I just overreacted. After all, no one else seemed to have a problem with it but me! Was it me? Was I the crazy, jealous possessive person he made me out to be? After all, he’s just living his life and having fun, right?

TC hang in there…and I’ll try to hang in there too. We can get through this.

Learn2Live

Queenie, What can you do now, INSTEAD OF living your life through someone else? Do you know what you want for YOUR LIFE? If not, why would you expect someone to GIVE you something when you don't even know what it is you want?

I'm guilty of doing that too, time and time and time again. But it's like walking into a restaurant and sitting down at the table and when the waiter comes up to you, you don't even say a word. You just expect the waiter to bring you something to eat that you are going to love. When the waiter brings you a plate of $hit, you start crying and beating yourself up and thinking the waiter just doesn't care about you or love you, otherwise he wouldn't have brought you a pile of $hit for dinner. And then, "Why, oh why, did I come all the way across town for this? Why is the waiter getting to eat filet mignon for dinner and I'm stuck with THIS??" Why? Because HE knew what he WANTED and he asked for it.

You are responsible for figuring out what you want for yourself and then getting it. No other person, spouse or not, having sex with them or not, giving and giving and giving or not, NO other person is responsible for your life BUT YOU.

You doubt yourself? Don't. YOU CAN DO and ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING you want in life.

No, not right. Just go on over to the Alcoholism and Drug Addiction forums and read. Do the people over there sound like they were having fun? Ask them. Or trust me, alcoholix and addix may LOOK LIKE they are happy but they are not. It is a miserable life.

TakingCharge999

Hey queenie thanks , I read on another thread about " doing the best next thing" so... I will have breakfast and focus on doing a good job today. That's it... what is the "next right thing" for you now?

Do NOT minimize what he did, and if you can, even MAXIMIZE IT!

Sometimes I overcome all of what you say and just disregard it as "he did not treat me right, I don't need people capable of this hurt" and just go on... and sometimes I am right there again, especially when I overhear something or talk to him and he makes his jokes with me...

I know why it appears to be so easy for them... THEY GOT ALCOHOL... what else would matter for them in this world? and they do not remember many things that hurt us... how perfect huh? imagine if you did not remember either?

Imagine if everytime you felt bad you could drink or eat something that made you feel good and forget anything uncomfortable? And if you truly believed your partner was the one who messed up and you are good?

We are better without them queenie.. one day I hope that thought sinks in for good and I never look back again!! OR just look back in gratitude... not to longer be there... instead of thinking of their trips, blah blah let's think when they get drunk and abusive WE ARE NOT THERE ANYMORE... the place does not matter, believe me they are the same drunks unwilling to see themselves and looking for instant gratification regardless of what others may feel.

TakingCharge999

YOU CAN DO and ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING you want in life.

Thanks L2L! yeah queenie it is worth seeing what we LOVE.. for instance I have always wanted to know how to surf... hey or at least try... so I am saving for some swimming lessons... and then I will save to make a trip... alone ... to one of those places where they teach yoga and surf... so you keep the mind busy planning something exciting for yourself... that NO ONE can mess up with.

Or makeup, lately I make an effort to try different colors, etc and when I feel prettier I can also look at the nice things I got inside... it seems dumb but it helps...

TakingCharge999

That "shifting" towards yourself takes daily practice... but we can do it and go to the "other side"... where GiveLove, Freedom, LtDaa etc live... it seems like a nice town

TakingCharge999

Well, chatting with the guy once again.. suffering for them is SO not worth it queenie...
I did not say hi or thanks... sorry... I just can't today.
Good thing I am superbusy... can't thank you all enough for sharing your thoughts today.. I am hugging my cat... I am safe now. Closing his window in 3...2....1 I'm free again BREATHE, Tc... Breathe.

TakingCharge999

He is saying "if you have any problem let me know" I guess if he even performed his job correctly, they do some changes at 9 pm at night after business hours and my team lead and me always joke that we do not trust his work at all as he probably is drinking some or working from the bar.... we even use the "cocktail" icon in MSN to refer to him... probably not respectful but there are some moments that are so tense it feels great to make light of it and know others NOTICE REALITY... ok vent finished