ellima01

Every since AH's affairs- leaving- coming home, all that. He's been home 3 mths now- no signs of him doing anything wrong- (except the drinking of course) but no going out- as far as I know- he is keeping his word. But I feel worse about me every day. I feel unattractive, unworthy- all these horrible things- and I don't know why? I know his cheating/drinking ect.. have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. But I'm scared every day-afraid he'll leave again/ or worse, that he'll be deceiving me and I will be one the wiser. He left me for (frankly) and unnattractive older woman, who used to be a prostitute that he met in REHAB! And to boot- she's psycho. I just don't understand why he would do that- I am a good person/ wife / mother. Why was he willing to lose me if "he loes me so much" like he claims- I am tired of being afraid to go to work- afraid she will show up here again- afraid he will be really drunk and make a decision he can't come back from.

wanting

It seems like you may be too much in the thick of the situation to be thinking clearly. I have had people ask me here: "What would you tell your sister or daughter to do in this situation?"

LaTeeDa

Yes, you are. His behaviors do not define you. In fact, they have nothing to do with you. The way he treats you says nothing about you. It says a lot about him. Your worth as a person has nothing to do with him. However, continuing to stay with someone who treats you badly will eventually erode your self-worth, as you are obviously experiencing.

L

Learn2Live

ellima,
I know that sick sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you are talking about when your man does something so disgusting. I think it comes from fear ??? Do you have any idea what you would like your life to look like one year from now?

Zak68

I can relate to your struggles. I found out in April my AW had a six month affair with my best friend. he was my confidant. I told him my woes and struggles. He used them to bed her and she didn't stop him and went back for more.

She said she never loved him. Never thought about leaving me for him. He told her what she wanted to hear. She wasn't a bad drunk compared to others. She was sexy, smart, what man wouldn't want her. She said he was like her second addiction. They would meet at lunch and she felt high after but soon found herself dry heaving out of guilt, yet she went back for more.

After the affair I told her we were done. Later I decided to give her a chance. She swore she would never do it again but in the back of my mind I always wondered if things got bad between us she would do it again.

I too felt unattractive, inadequate in bed, etc. She swears I was by far the better lover, more attractive, more fit. She doesn't get it, all she knows is he fed her ego like the alcohol numbed her to life.

Be confident it is not you. HE is at fault. You are fine and never let his actions or word define who you feel you are or make you feel less about yourself.

Mitsy

My ex-boyfriend and I did have one thing in common that likely formed a lot of the connection between us and that was the fact that fidelity (above almost all else) was extremely important. My ex-guy claimed that every woman he'd ever dated (even his ex-wife) cheated on him. He was good looking, funny, and charming and some of this stuff happened long before he got hooked on the booze so I have no clue as to why these women cheated on him. He knew that I was not like that and I felt like the love we had was so deep that we could overcome almost anything. Anything but alcohol addiction apparently. I wanted him to get sober so badly but the fact that I loved him & he knew I loved him & would not screw around on him wasn't enough to make him want to get help for what eventually broke us apart. I struggle with what the future holds for me. I continue to worry about his daughter who still deals with him. Thankfully, I am on good terms with his ex-wife and if anything major happens with him, I know she will call me. But, I know that I cannot save him and that was the mistake I made from the beginning. I actually thought I could get him to want to be sober. That desire has to come from within though and they can't do it for anyone else. They have to do it for themselves. And sometimes the person simply never sees the light. That is the sad reality about alcoholism. I encourage people to not remain with a drunk spouse. Even if there are kids involved, the emotional abuse is not worth it because the kids see what is happening. They are hurt more by being exposed to drunken episodes than they would be if they were with the stable, single, reliable parent.

There is a lady in my All-Anon group who is one of the sponsors for several people. Her husband finally got sober after 30 years of drinking. Her story is a remarkable one, but even hearing her story, I could not in good conscience encourage ANYONE to stick with someone that long. Two years was too long for me. There is a point where you have to save yourself.