Jason448

My wife is an addict to vicodin and this is my story. I have been married for 14 years and we have 5 children. My wife became addicted to vicodin 5 years ago while she was pregnant. She suffers from chronic migraines and could not take imitrex or other migraine medications because of the risk to the baby. Our marriage has always been far from perfect and quite a bit rocky. She was 19 and I 20 when we married and we knew each other less than a year. She had an affair about 6 years ago and it lasted only 3 months and was with a friend of the family. At this time my wife was experimenting with marijuana and she claimed became addicted to vicodin and put the blame on the drugs for her affair. She showed true regret for what she had done and asked me to take her back and I did. When we got married my wife would get worried about taking a motrin due to any side effects, now she has a 10 + vicodin a day habit. Over the past 5 years I have seen her decline and stop doing the things she once enjoyed and the smile I fell in love with show less and less on her face. The woman I use to be able to make laugh all day long is no longer there. About 3 years ago she met her ex-boyfriend online from high school. Throughout our marriage when ever she would mention him, she would always mention how she thought he was a loser who turned to drugs and left her. He is a former heroin addict and was forced to go into the Army or do jail time. So they affair kept going and going when she would keep telling me that she was breaking it off. This other man has been giving her money every month and she claims she loves this guy or whatever. Her parents are outraged and have hate the man and all of her friends have even told me that she has not said one good thing about the guy and has even talked to them about possibly getting a protection order to keep him away as recently as a year ago. Back in December of 07 I told my wife that I was through with our marriage and I could no longer be married to a cheating woman who is also addicted. A few days later she calls me saying that this other guy was everything I told her he was and that she was breaking it off with him and wanted me to come home. She pretty much begged me to come home and I did. The night I was home we made love and it was as if things were on their way to recovery. It wasn't just being intimate, it was the way she was acting towards me, and that was loving an caring. A couple weeks later she calls me and says she is pregnant, I asked her is it mine. She laughed and said, I wouldn't lie about that. Well 9 months of a horrible pregnancy, taking care of her while she was home on bedrest hooked up to an IV and 6 months of taking care of what I believed was my son, she informs me that the baby is not mine. She did not tell me this calmly or behind closed doors, she told me this during a heated arguement. She showed no remorse when she said it or afterwards. Its like she feels intitled to do whatever she wants. She said that she was breaking it off with the other man and would get help with her addiction. It has yet to happen. She says she wants a divorce over and over like she has said ever since she met this other guy who pops into town every other 2 or 3 months. THis man is also a master manipulator because he had to be as a former heroin addict. I was able to find a rehab center that is reserved for pretty much executives and high profile people through my uncles wife. She is able to get her in for nothing and this place cost about $20,000 a month. She says she doesnt need inpatient and is going to try an outpatient place nearby. She is currently really sick and got out of the hospital about 4 days ago after spending a week in the hospital with an abcess in her kidney. I have exposed her lies about her addiction to he family and friends and they are trying hard to get through to her. Has anyone dealt with anything similar to my story. I feel vicodin subdued my wife so another man could take her away......I am so heart broken. She acts as though our marriage was over 5 years ago and the drugs have nothing to do with the fact she "fell in love with this guy" durring her 10+ vicodin a day habit. I am so depressed and it is mentally and physically taking a toll on me. The kids are really suffering and my little ones ask when mommy and daddy are going to get back together. My 6 yr old was praying the other night and I asked him what he prayed for. He said "for good dreams and for you an mommy to get back together." My wife does not know the pain and destruction she has caused. I can forgive her and I know I have faults and need to make changes on my end to, but I wish she could just see clearly for once.......HELP>>

suki44883

Jason, I'm sorry you are going through this, but the first thing you must understand is that you cannot change her. She is not going to stop the vicodin or anything else until she wants to; and YOU cannot make her want to. In the meantime, you are living in a very depressing situation. All you can do is whatever is necessary for your children and you to have peace. This type of situation is very toxic for them and they deserve much better, as do you.

teeters

Dear Heart broken, I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are falling apart. I am an oxycontin addict and I can sort of relate to what you are saying. I started out using vicodin for my neck problems and It esculated to oxycontin. I dont even no where to begin to tell you how this drug can take you mind, body and soul to heck and back. I have lied, cheated, stolen and have spent every penny to get the drug. I am not really sure if the drug could make you fall in love with someone, but I know that it can take you to every place but your own home. I am not really sure if you have tried for her to get help but I know my home is a complete wreck right now. I am trying to put it back together slowly but surely. I know you love your wife I can hear it in your thoughts, give her numbers to places to get her help, love her and never leave her. We addicts feel alone and not loved. I actually feel disgusted with myself with the things that Ive done. Make sure to be beside your son 100% during this because he know something is wrong just doesnt know what. From what you say I think she is hurting inside and doesnt know how to get the help she needs. Thats only my thoughts. Any time you need a friend or some help just a click away. Your family is in my thought and prayers!!!! Nikki:praying

teke

hi, welcome. i'm a recovering addict married to, but seperated from an active addict of 23yrs,with 7 kids, so i really do understand your pain. your post was painful for me to read and all i can say is that i'm so sorry. you or your kids don't deserve this treatment.

it took 21 yrs of my life before i could see that i HAD to make some changes in my life in order for me and the kids to live. today i can see the effects addiction has had on all of my kids, some are now adult still trying to cope after living with addiction. today, i regret not getting us out yrs ago.

as hard as it maybe, you have an obligation to protect your kids, they don't have a choice in the matter, besides, as long as you are there to cushion her falls, there whenever she decides to show up again and again, she probably won't see a need to get help for herself.

i got clean when my family totally cut me off, allowing me to suffer the consequences of my own actions. then and only then was i desperate enough to get sober and stay sober. i had to hit my bottom as with most addicts.

honestly, in my opinion, addiction may not be her only reason for her cheating ways, it could be just the way it is for her.try to take the focus off her and focus more on you and the kids. i know its easier said than done but it can get better for you and the kids, even if she decides not to. again, i'm so sorry and i'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

bluejay6

Welcome, Jason.
Your story is disturbing....so much chaos and emotional pain and a family shredded by addiction. Your children are the real victims in all this, as you probably know.

You write "She says she wants a divorce over and over again."

It appears that when she is getting what she wants (freedom to use, a place to crash, access to another man, and no responsibilities as a MOTHER to FIVE children), she is willing to stay with you.
When you set a boundary with her....she wants a divorce.

She is in complete control.

I have to disagree with the suggestion that you love her and never leave her. My belief is that her disease has enormous power over your ability to set boundaries and maintain a nonpoisonous household for your children. In spite of your love for her, your description of the cycle of chaos in your marriage and in your family suggests to me that physical separation is warranted.

Every day your children are waking up in fear of what the day holds.

It is your responsibility to change that.

Bluejay

outtolunch

Where are these 5 kids? Who provides for them and takes care of them?

Freedom1990

Get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and see if you see yourself in any of that book.

Read the stickies at the top of this forum. Educate yourself on addiction.

Get yourself into some professional counseling (preferably someone who has experience with addiction and the family dynamics).

Find out if you have Alanon or Naranon in your area. Face-to-face meetings with others who have loved an addict can be a tremendous source of help.

As has already been said, those children have no choice in how they live, and they need one sane and emotionally stable parent.

You didn't cause her addiction.
You can't control her addiction.
You can't cure her addiction.

I hope you continue to post and please know that you are among friends.

:ghug2 :ghug2

JustAYak

She's right.

Obviously, she is untrustworthy, an addict, and you need to set some boundries... Give her an ultimatum. You can't keep yourself or your kids in this situation...

This may seem forward, but if she wants to leave, let her leave. You'll be better off without her. Think about it, she's hurting you and your kids terribly, she's lying and cheating and using. Where is she going to go when she leaves? How is she going to keep her drug addiction fueled if she doesn't have much money? She may learn a few things and may see what's more important, drugs or her family, if she leaves.

SistersHelp

Hi Jason,
I just wanted to tell you that I agree that "love her and never leave her" may not be the way to go in a situation like this. When you have a relationship with an active addict you have no choice but to be impacted negatively by their choices. And sometimes leaving is the only option. Doesn't mean you have to stop loving, by the way, but sometimes that needs to be done from a safe distance where you can at least take care of your own emotional needs, and those of your children. Remember to love them - and yourself - enough to take them out of harm's way when necessary, as hard as that may be.

Mostly I just wanted to say I empathize with you, Jason, and am sorry to read all you're going through with this difficult situation. Painful. My thoughts and good wishes are with you.

Lisa

rayofsunshine

Hi Jason448,
Us loved ones of an addict often put so much time & effort to keep the addict comfortable, thinking we are helping, when in fact we are only cushioning every bad action for them so they never feel any consequences of their actions, thus never having a reason to change.

We try different tactics to get our loved ones clean... I tried yelling, screaming, crying,
... didn't work... tried extra special unconditional love... heart to heart talks... didn't work... when he lost jobs, I made sure the bills got paid and put gas in his vehicle (after I learned he couldn't be trusted with cash... just spent on drugs)... bought his cigarettes. After all, he needed me to do this so he could be comfortable while looking for a job. Right? ....... Wrong.... after reading "Co-dependant no More" as suggested above and reading alot here, I found my behavior was just enabling my AH to continue
his addiction comfortably, while my life was totally miserable.

Keep reading and posting... YOUR life and your kids' lives can get better whether or
not your wife decides to find recovery. It won't happen overnight, but day by day
you will get a little stronger, and will eventually find the strength to do what you need
to do.

Latte

You've tried to help her, but all you can really do is help yourself.

Find a way to keep your children safe and set up some boundries.

My thoughts are with you.

Jason448

I had been out of the house for about 5 months living with my parents. I came home about 2 weeks ago to help her due to her being very sick with an abcess in her kidney. She was in the hospital for a week and is hooked up a coulple hours a day to an IV at home. We have been getting along fairly well and have been trying to help her get better. I told her the other day that I was not leaving, not to be controlling I said, but because of the situation and for financial reasons. I will be saving alot of money on gas due to my commute to work being about 70 miles less a day. So she was resistant and she threatned to have me removed from the home by calling the police. I told her go ahead and I will turn over your prescription records to the police and file child endangerment charges and have you commited to rehab. I told her I am not enabling her anymore, even though without thinking sometimes I do. The children are so happy to have me home and keep asking if I am staying "forever". I was talking to my wife the other night and fell asleep with her in our bed. She then said I can't sleep in bed with her anymore because it is confusing the kids. I said thats funny it confuses them to see their dad in the same bed with their mother but to see this other man kissing their mother and laying in the same bed with her doesn't. My wife when in comes to making decisions or priorities is disconnected with reality. The whole time my wife has known this other man and has "connected with him" and "loves him" has been with 10 + vicodins a day and huge financial and marrital problems. I remember being young and drinking at the bar. I would just hit it off with a cute girl, get her number, and then realize later after the first date that it was the alcohol that built that connection with her. Anyways this other man which I know is resistant to her getting rehab is in the Army and I have notified his command and a no contact order through the military has been issued. This guy has ignored it and has had no respect for me or my family. In my opinion this man is destructive in her recovery and he needs to go. My wife was very motivated to go to the inpatient rehab and then a week later when this other man got access to a phone in Iraq and called her she started back peddling on the whole idea. Anyways, I have told my wife that I don't want to work on the marriage as long as she is on drugs. She will quickly cut me off and say "I don't want to stay married on or off drugs." I just asked her once she is off drugs, then she will have a clear mind. I said to her if then we just can't work it out, then I will know it was not meant to be. This other guy is giving her money, left her a car while he is in Iraq, and is a former heroin addict and uses that to try to manipulate her into thinking he knows the way or some crap. I have read some of the emails from this other guy and anyone who is sober can see he is doing nothing but manipulating her and preying on someone who is vulnerable. I am sorry if it looks like I seem to be focusing more on this other guy than my wife and kids, its just that her addiction and him seem to go hand in hand now.

Jason448

I am glad I found this site. I really appreciate everyones kind words and support. I think about this situation constantly at work, home, driving, in the middle of the night. You know the feeling you have just before you start to cry, I have had that feeling everyday for the last 3 years......I feel like I do after a funeral of a loved one every single day of my life. I am not saying that I am suicidal, but if it wasn't for the fact I have a strong faith in god and my 5 children, I could see how a situation like mine or even close could drive someone to hurt themselves because someone else chooses to hurt themselves.

Jason448

Sorry for posting a million times a minute, but when something comes to mind, I just need to get it out. My wife basically minimizes the effects of the vicodin. She says she wants to get clean and needs rehab, while at the same time says that our marriage and this other man was not at any way effected by the drugs. She says that "It's not like I am in lala land and don't know what I am doing." So I said if vicodin has not had any effects on your decision making or effected you mentally, then why get off it. She remains silent usually and says nothing and then responds with. "I have been unhappy in our marriage for a long time before the vicodin, me being clean changes nothing." THere was a time when she totally denied using vicodin for months back in May. Well I finally got smart and set up an online account with my medical insurance and is able to see every script she gets. The times she said she was clean or tapering off, she used the most. It is almost like she knows how wrong she is and feels guilt, but i think she feels if she admits she feels this way, then she will admit she is wrong in what she has done. She actually had the nerve to say that I am sick in the head and out of touch with reality yesterday............GOD HELP ME.....

rayofsunshine

Most addicts will LIE to protect their using. They also play the blame game... turn it around where whatever you're discussing is YOUR fault. I know my AH would turn the blame around on me and use it as a reason to leave and go use. Then blame me because my attitude made him go use.

Thank goodness, when I was looking for help for HIM, and found this website, I found help for ME. I learned how co-dependent I really was... everything revolved around him and his using, covering up his using to appear "normal", trying to do things with the kids when he would disappear so they would have a sense of normalacy.

I finally learned not to accept the blame. His using was HIS choice. Just like quitting has to be his choice.

When you start trying to set healthy boundaries for yourself, the addict pulls out all the stops to keep you in the game, to make their using as easy as it used to be. This is where the blame and manipulation come in.

Keep reading and posting... it helps so much!

JustAYak

Hey Jason,

Please don't leave your kids alone with an addict. It's very harmful emotionally, especially when they don't know what's going on. It could also be dangerous physically sometimes... If your kids are there with her, you should be too. If you want to get out of this situation with her, take your kids with you.

I really hope you get the strength to get up and get out of this because your life and your children's lives can only improve by doing so... it'd probably be rough going at the start but it'd get better with time. She's treating you with no respect, and even like she told you, it's confusing the kids and damaging their minds. Please make a plan of some sort, when things go horribly wrong you'll be thankful you have it.

Hope you stick around Jason.

teke

i'm sorry jason but i can't help but to believe that if somehow you could leave her alone long enough for her to suffer the consequences of her actions, that she may see a need to seek help. i wonder if somehow, you could get you and the kids out of that situation for a while. how long do you think she can survive on her own even with this guys help, if she is actively using? this is only my opinion but it is possible that we can love and help our addicts to death.

i choose not to help my addict drug himself to death. maybe if she is allowed to reach her bottom, whatever that might be, she may see a need to change her way of life.

i'm sorry but i just don't see how her addiction could be a reason for her to disrespect you and the kids by telling you she loves another man. i don't mean to hurt you or overstep but sounds like you maybe unaware of how excepting of her behavior it sounds to me. i understand she is ill, but you deserve more and so do your kids.

Serenity Bound

Jason, please listen to what Jay has said, he has first hand knowledge of what it is like to be left with a parent who is using.


Please seek protection for your kids and help for yourself. It certainly doesn't sound like your wife is ready to seek help and until SHE wants it, there is nothing you can do for her.

Keep posting, keep reading the stickies at the top, other posts and seek out f2f meetings.

Chris

Learn2Live

Hi Jason448. Welcome.

It sounds like you are doing OK living back in YOUR home, other than having to deal directly with your wife??? I recommend that you keep posting to this website so that you keep "checking in" with yourself and your feelings. I know you didn't exactly ask for advice so I hope you don't mind if I give you some here.

I think probably everyone here on Friends & Family (F&F) can relate to what you are describing has been going on in your life. So, please know that you are not alone.

(Since i don't know what you already know) I want to explain that what you are going through is very stressful for anyone. Stress affects your body (like raises blood pressure), your feelings (like causes you to feel anxious) and your mind (like makes you confused sometimes).

You indicated in your post that you are thinking about this problem ALL the time. One thing I have learned is that if you allow yourself to be exposed to this extreme stress for long periods, and you do not allow yourself a break from it on a regular basis, your body will force you to take a break from it. For me, my body forced me into an extreme, black depression that damn near killed me.

So, what I'm trying to say is if your brain is going on 24/7 and to the point where you are not sleeping, be aware that this is your body telling you there is a problem and you need to do something about it for your own health. We are not supposed to give medical advice here so I'm not, but you may want to talk to somebody about what you're going thru.

I also suggest seeking out personal social support. Make sure you are participating in things with friends and family. Support groups are helpful too and I strongly recommend Al-Anon.

Learning about this disease is invaluable. The more you learn about it, the less difficult it becomes to cope with.

One of the first things you learn in Al-Anon is the concept of placing yourself in The Present Moment. What this means is, as you communicate with others about what is going on in your life, try to let the past go and try not to worry about the future, by focusing on the RIGHT NOW. This very second. That will help with your anxiety. So, keep reminding yourself that you don't have to make ANY decisions about tomorrow, just today. One Day At A Time baby. You don't need to decide about what to do with your marriage.

I think you are aware that your wife is not thinking rationally or "normally." So for you to try to have conversations with her probably is going to do nothing but make you more frustrated and stressed. There's a saying around these circles that, "If their mouths are moving, they're lying." So, try not to take anything they say to heart.

As for your kids, I'm no child psychologist but I'm willing to bet a small fortune that to measure THEIR stress, multiply your own times two. They need a break from this TOXIC woman too. Perhaps you and your children could take a weekend and go somewhere peaceful, even if it's just to Grandma's.

coachlover

I am very sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same thing. The only thing is my Husband isn't cheating on me that I know of. Listen to everyone on here they have helpful advice.

I laid it on the line for my Husband...who could say clean for only 6days he is back to the same crap.

I feel for you...