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My wife is a vicodin addict, cheating,threatning divorce and I am hearbroken



My wife is a vicodin addict, cheating,threatning divorce and I am hearbroken

Old 08-25-2009, 04:07 PM
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Please, please take care of your children. Get them out of that environment. Being around addict parent(s) can and will cause serious, long-term repercussions in these children's lives. Children learn from and model their future relationships based on their parents' relationships. What are you teaching/modeling to your children about marriage?

I feel your pain, I really do. But when kids are in the picture, you have to keep their welfare, physical and emotional, ahead of everything else. I hope you have lots of support IRL.

Last edited by truthhurts; 08-25-2009 at 04:22 PM.
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Old 08-26-2009, 07:05 AM
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I have been home for about 2 weeks now and overall my wife and I have got along fairly well. At first she was resistant about me being home and only wanted me to be there when she needed something. Now she doesn't even challenge me being there or even ask when I am going home. I have been helping her alot trying to help her get over her illness with the kidney problem. Before she would not even want me to be in the same room with her, now we sit in bed together and talk for a bit and I may even rub her legs or back to make her feel better. She has not came out and said lets work on our marriage but she has not been as vocal about getting a divorce lately. I told my wife last night that once sober, if we went to marriage counseling and actually tried to work on the marriage and set timeline, and at the end of the timeline we still are not getting along together, then I would agree with a divorce. I told her that if we can't work together and get along with her sober, then the marriage was not meant to be. She kind of game me a half A** "OK" as she agreed, but who knows. I am being cautious though and trying not to fall into the "use me, abuse me, and kick me to the curb trap." I just have to admit, it has been wonderful being home with my children and yes even my crazy addicted wife. I have been taking anti depressants but have weened myself off of them and I have noticed she has had a more positive response to me. Most of our marriage my wife nor did I take anything as far as medication and we connected emotional much more. Well I am actually having a good day today but I never let my guard down, because just when I think the fight is over, I get sucker punched everytime.
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Old 08-26-2009, 07:22 AM
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Glad you are having a good day, Jason448. I was married 21 yrs., so I definitely understand the need to try and make the marriage work. Just keep working on getting
yourself/ your thoughts healthly. Keep reading here... theres some good threads from
addicts who posted how they felt while in active addiction (posted in the past few days).

Read all the sticky posts here at the top of the forum... Learn all you can about addiction, set healthy boundaries for yourself, so that no matter what happens, you'll be ok.
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Old 08-27-2009, 05:19 AM
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My mother is a recovering alcoholic and has not drank in over 25 years. Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family. My parents quit drinking and lived most of my childhood in a alcohol free and was always drug free environment. Pretty much all of my wifes family are functioning alcoholics. Her dad suffered from an addiction to pain killers back in the day, but beat that addiction just to drink a six pack a night and be a functioning alcoholic. I have not had a drink since the end of January, and at that time was not drinking much then either. It seemed as though the happier I was the more I would like to drink. However the more depressed I became the less I wanted to pick up the bottle. I believe first of all it was God that kept me from the bottle, but I also told my self, the first time I drink while depressed and it gives me some relief I would be back for more and I was not going to repeat a cycle my parents stopped. One addict is to much in the house as it is. I have quit smoking for awhile but have kind of restarted that bad habit due to the stress. I just hope I can stay strong and not become a victim to drugs like my wife has. I told my wife it is not her fault she is an addict and I am not mad at her for being an addict, however it is her responsibility to do something about it.
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Old 08-27-2009, 05:41 AM
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Sounds like her dad traded one addiction for another... that is common with those not in recovery.

Congratulations on being strong to break the cycle in your family. That is something to be proud of!! Your children need one healthy parent... keep your focus on being there for them.

A saying I've heard around here alot is... "I'll support you in your recovery, but not your addiction." I used this alot with my AH when he had relapsed and was actively using.

It is very stressful living with someone active in their addiction. YOU need all the support you can get... keep reading and posting! Have you tried Al-anon or Nar-anon
meetings?
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Old 08-27-2009, 05:58 AM
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I was going to our addictions program at our church every Friday. I am actually one of the staff members for the program and it is a biblical based program. I have learned alot from the program and it has helped me in my day to day struggles. I have had an opportunity to talk to a man who is suffering from vicodin addiction at this program and was able to get a inside look of what the addict goes through.
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Old 08-27-2009, 06:18 AM
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Is is Celebrate Recovery? I've heard that's a good program... I've never been to those
meetings, but our Pastor did a series of each step, one a week, for 12 weeks for our
Sunday morning service earlier this year. I really enjoyed it, learned alot.

Glad to hear you are getting support. Even through giving support to others, you are helping yourself! It will make you stronger.
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:02 AM
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Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. I came home and my wife and the kids went to the store for about an hour and got along pretty good. We came home and I feel asleep on the couch after I told her I would help her do some things...It was a long nap. I woke up and thought she would be mad, and I told her sorry for not helping you like I said. She replied "its ok, if you are tired you are tired." and left it as that. Did not harp on me like before and was nice. HMMM....Its hard trying to figure her out. So we rented a movie and we spent two hours on the couch together watching a movie and then went to bed. She said I should sleep in the kids room but then we still wound up sleeping in the same bed. Before she would contest everything and not give up until she got her way. Now she seems to be more receptive to me and is talking very positivly about going through detox once she gets over this illness. I even had to tell her not to jump the gun and wait a few weeks after she gets off the IV to build up her strength. We did talk a little bit last night about the little boy who is not my biological son. She told me she knows I truly love him and wants me to be part of his life, but to think rationally about the fact he still has a father who in her opinion should be part of his life. I think she feels guilty about how she has lied to me, and lied to him and has caused a mess in alot of peoples lives. I will be playing with my little boy and she will refer to me as daddy to him sometimes which she never did before. She asked me last night "why are you being so super nice to me?" I just responded with "I still love you and nothing can change that, and I rather get along with someone I love that fight." I also assured her that I just simply wanted to help her get back on track with her life and that I am her friend not her enemy. I have seen a side of my wife I have not seen in a long long time, and that is the side that actually listens, responds, and shows some appreciation for what others are doing for her not just what she thinks are doing to her. I have an unconditional love for my wife, and I think anyone who has been married or been with someone for a long enough time builds that love without even trying. I love my addict, but I love her more not bound by addiction..
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:28 AM
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glad you had a good day and i'm praying that all will work out for you and your family.
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Old 08-27-2009, 06:02 PM
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You should not leave your kids to live alone with an active addict. My brother's wife is an Opiate addict too, and their kid got taken away by Child Protection. They are now having to go thru all these programs, including rehab and weekly drug screenings, to try to get their kid back. You can read the posts from addicts in recovery up on the Substance Abuse Forum. They are great people. Recovery is a life long process, and we will all pray that your wife begins recovery. Please read the stickies up on top and the 12 steps. I'm not that knowledgable about all of them, I focus on responsibility and boundaries. Keep posting!!
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:57 AM
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Well I had another good day yesterday. Alot of the things my wife use to challenge me on she no longer does. She admitted last night she was wrong to have demanded I leave and to force me out of the house like she did. She told me that it is my house to and that I have the right to stay there. I know I have the right to stay in my own home, but the fact she is stepping off her high horse and admitting she was wrong is a step in the right direction. We are becomming better friends each day, and she, I think is starting to realize I am her husband not her enemy. I have to keep reminding her that she cannot go straight from being ill and on an IV to immediate detox. If anyone doesn't know, she has an abcess in her kidneys. I demanded that she take two weeks after feeling better to build up her strength. Its kind of ironic that I have to tell her to back off the rehab/detox for a bit, when just a few months ago, I was the problem. Well I hope today is another good day when I get home. Thanks again everyone for your support...
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Old 08-28-2009, 12:26 PM
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There's different detox programs, some medical like suboxone detox for 1 - 2 weeks, some taper you off. Please take her to her doctor, and let him/her decide when she's able to detox and hat program. I can certainly understand her desire to detox NOW, because she is having some organ damage from the Vicodan. Did you know that with Vicodan abuse, its the TYLENOL part that will do damage before the codeine part? My SIL is an opiate painkiller addict too, has been for at least 6 years. Currently clean. Can you ask her doctor to prescribe something w/o the tylenol until rehab time? (Hope this isnt considered medical advice!!) Again, please take your wife to the doctor about when and what kind of detox is advisable in her situation.
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Old 08-31-2009, 05:05 AM
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My wife has told me she talked to a doctor about getting on suboxin. She is going to make an appointment and try to get herself through the detox process on suboxin. The only problem with suboxin is you can't stay on that forever and she will have to wean off of that later down the road. My main concern is to get her well physically then get her well mentally. As long as the suboxin does not pose any huge medical risk and she can think with a clear head for once then its not urgent that she quit taking suboxin. I just hope and pray that once she is clean and is able to make choices and think without 10 + vicodin a day, she will realize what she has been doing is so wrong and try to turn things around in her life and our marriage. I just wonder how much of what she has done these last 5 years she has been addicted was fueled by her addiction or if the choices she has made, she would have made sober. I just hope her being sober will bring us closer and bring the family back together like it use to be.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:44 AM
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I am going over my parents house to pick up my 12yr old daughter. She has been there for about 5 weeks now and She called me asking if she could live with grandma and grandpa. She says she wants to go to school there and begged me not to bring her back and make her go to her old school. I think she has found peace at the Grandparents due to my parents having a great marriage and God and faith being a huge part in their lives which has now spread to my daughter which I welcome in her life very much. I don't want my daughter to be afraid to come home though. So my wife asked yesterday if I was going back to my parents and I simply told her we can't afford it due to the very long commute to work everyday. Another reason is the fact that she needs help. I have been working my butt off since I have been home. I know she is taking advantage of the fact I am there, but it doesn't bother me because I want to help her. She didn't really contest me when I said I was staying for now. I will be retrieving alot of my stuff from my parents and temp/permanately moving back in, only time will tell how long my stay will be. I have been connecting with my wife a little better and she even made a statement yesterday that "I am nicer than (the other guy)." We have had many converstions and laughed together more than we have in the past year. I have been showing her as much love as possible and helping her, but she still treats me like a roomate she knows real well instead of a husband. She is still very firm about getting a divorce and that we were not happy before the drugs and she will not be happy with me after the drugs. I think this is a bunch of B.S. because yet rocky, our marriage was not so bad divorce was an option. Things are going good right now as far as getting along. Our relationship as people is getting better but our marriage is still in the dumps. I am just scared that at a blink of an eye my life will be turned upside down again and every connection that I have rebuilt or made with my wife will be destroyed.
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Old 08-31-2009, 09:34 AM
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Hope you and your daughter can do something fun when you pick her up. I'm sure both of you could use a little distraction from the chaos an active addict in the family brings.

Glad to hear things are going ok for you, for now. Please keep reading and posting.
Sounds like you and your wife both have a lot of recovery/healing to do and you'll
need the support and encouragement you will find here.
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Old 09-03-2009, 06:35 AM
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Well just an update. The wife is going to have to be hooked up to an IV and antibiotics for another 2 weeks. She is making progress and the abcess in her kidneys is shrinking. We are stilling getting along fairly well and instead of showing anger, frustration, and being aggressive (Not Physically aggresive) I have been loving, helpful, and patient. However I am not falling for manipulation nor am I enabling her with her addiction. I am very confident that she will go into a rehab program as soon as she is better from this illness. She has even said she is worried about taking the Vicodin because it might make her illness worse. I told her along with her doctor that she would be ok taking it until she gets over her illness. The fact that she relates medical problems with vicodin is a good sign. I am a bit more confident that she will get clean this time and if she does not stay clean, she will stay off longer than ever before. As far as our marriage is concerned it is still in the dumps and divorce is more in favor of happening than staying married. I went an bought a book called "The Love Dare" it is a bible based, 40 day journey approach to fixing yourself to change your marriage and your spouse. I am on day two and everything is good so far. I have read through the book and from what I see recommend it to anyone having marrital problems. I can't say how well it works yet, but I know from what I have read it is better than sitting there thinking you are right and have all the answers. Well take care all and god bless.
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Old 09-03-2009, 06:48 AM
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Hi Jason,
You sound like you are doing ok and are doing what is needed to be a supportive spouse.
I can tell you I stayed stuck for so long not wanting to break my marriage vows... that it was somehow a reflection of my doubting God to answer my prayers of healing/change for my AH. I finally realized God can change people, but THEY have to be willing. My AH wasn't willing... I'd done all I could in supporting him and had to finally separate for my own peace and sanity. I sincerely hope your wife embaces rehab/ recovery after her kidney abscess heals. But, I can tell with your outlook, no matter what happens, you're gonna be ok! I'll be praying for you and yours.
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Old 09-03-2009, 08:26 AM
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Hi Jason

I feel for you brother! Your wife needs a reality check. It sounds like you have been there for her and nothing has changed on her end. Your kids don't need to be around that. Maybe you leaving her will open her eyes. Maybe then she will relize that she is losing you and your kids. I hope you can find your way back to one another.

Sincerely,

jareni
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Old 09-03-2009, 12:35 PM
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What is Real? Looking Objectively...

Hi Jason,

What I see from your posts is that you are constantly assessing and reassessing your situation....trying to figure out what she is doing, what she will do, how you can manage her and her addiction.

Doesn't that make you tired?

For me, Love cannot be drugery. Love cannot be backbreaking or heartwrenching. Love has to be mutual, and expressed in actions... by both.

How do I know what is real when my addicts lie? We all know addicts in active addiction lie..lie..lie. How can we tell? Their lips are moving. Nasty, but true.

But get this... WE lie, too! We say, "never again"... "this is the last time"... "I won't allow this" .... "I will leave you". And do we do it? Well, I never did.

So I reread some of your stuff and looked at only the ACTIONS you mentioned. She is happy when you take care of her, and when she is stronger, she leaves you and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants with no regard for you or her children.

Doesn't make her a bad person. She isn't a bad person who needs to get "good"... she is a sick person, who needs to get "well".

I had a counselor ask me once... If my addict had hot meals, warm bed, roof over her head, television, phone, car, a bathroom filled with everything she needed AND her meth (her drug of choice). WHY WHY WHY would she EVER choose sobriety?

These are things for you to think about. And while you are thinking about them, you might find some relief, as I did, at Alanon or Naranon meetings.

These rooms are filled with men and women, husbands, wives, parents, siblings and friends of alcoholic and addicts. They ARE going through what you are going through. They have found ways to manage their lives, and after a few weeks, when you see a man walk through the door with fear etched all over his face, and YOU know that with a little time HE will feel better, you will get how the program works. We just share experience, strength and hope ... without giving advice. Each of us learns at our own pace, and we love one another through some very difficult times.

I wish you well. ((hugs)))
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Old 09-04-2009, 09:54 AM
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Well I am on Day 3 of the Love Dare book. Todays dare is to not only be patient and kind, it is to buy something for her that says "I was thinking of you today." Any Ideas of what I could get her. I don't have much money, just needs to be something thoughtful. Any Ideas......
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