CrackQuack

Not that I want to go out and smoke crack. Especially since I already agreed to help my best friend with his phone bill. Seeing as I have 3 choices on how to spend the money. I could spend it on new clothes, which I don't really need, but only have two pair of jeans that actually fit me right, spend it on crack and start the insanity all over again, or help my best friend with his phone bill. I'd love to get some new clothes, but he is in need and is out of work right now. Plus I use his computer, which the DSL is part of that said bill.. But tonight, my addiction is hard at it, telling me that I could still get a 40 and smoke it. That I can control it, and since I don't have much, I wouldn't spend any more. Why does it tell me this when I KNOW better? As soon as I make that call, the 40 will turn into 80 and the 80 will turn into 120, and so on and so forth, and when the bank account is 300 dollars in the hole and I have 300 dollars in overdraft fees, and I won't be high no more.. I'll have to deal with it all over again and da m n if it doesn't feel good just to write it and get it out. Actually read it and see how MUCH INSANITY there is to smoking crack!
And I haven't even gotten to the part about running around in the middle of the night on the wrong side of town, trying to score it, the possibilities of getting shot, robbed, raped, or arrested... Hmmmm..
My addiction's voice is getting smaller and smaller as I type...
Ahhhh, I feel much better. F***ing addiction!

Impurrfect

Yeah, that voice of addiction gets weaker and weaker when we think it all the way through, doesn't it?

Phone bill or insanity...I'd choose the phone bill!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

change4penny

Quack,

Thank you for posting this. It just reinforces my own reasons for not using. I don't know what is it in my brain that causes these thoughts. But thank God that my brain has recovered enough to point out the consequences of using, cause last year at this time I had no concept of the consequences. My brain just told me to use use use.

You're getting there girl and I'm proud of you!

:ghug3

Penny

TexasMan

Quack,

A lot of us are fighting that battle!

Be strong. Be there for your friend.

And yourself.

TM

SlvrMag

Quack, thank you.

CrackQuack

Well, I just paid his phone bill. We got some lunch and I feel great for doing that for him. I do get ONE benefit though. I get to play on the computer at his house. His phone and DSL are tied to the same bill. So, for this month, we've got internet! And TV. His dish is on the same bill too. I just feel great, free, happy, whatever you want to call it, for helping him. Though I am getting paler as we speak.. hahaha.. OK, type. I think I might be getting a contact high off of my truck, though. I have no experience with coolant vapors and what problems might arise from it. I have both doors wide open, in the sunlight, trying to let the carpet dry and every time I stick my head in there, I come out feeling a bit fuzzy... I know it can't be good for me, so I hope it dries out in an hour or so, in this nice, sunny, day, so I don't have to worry about it. Stupid heater core...
Anyway, it is a beautiful day. Thanks everyone. I never thought I'd love telling on my addiction, but it makes such a huge difference in recovery, I cannot believe I've covered for it so much in the past. DOH!

Aysha

The way I see it you only had 2 choices. And smokin crack wasnt either of them.

Never make it an option.

Glad your feelin better.

There is alot of BS to go through to get high. It like work. And alot of it.

CrackQuack

Yeah, I gotta quit making that an option. It just comes so naturally, ya know? It's been the priority for so long and I kept forgetting exactly how much I had in the bank too, because I was always used to "hiding" 200 or so, to save for crack. My best friend was surprised when I filled his gas tank up too. He was like "You won't have enough left for the phone bill!" and I told him, "Hun, I've been hiding money so long I still do it.. Only instead of wasting it on getting high, let's get you a tank of gas. Now go get a job!" and we laughed. He IS trying to get one. Just in between and looking.. He's a bit depressed because it's been so long since he's last gotten one...A real one anyway. But that's another story and it's his. LOLOL.
Thanks for the reminder Chiynita. It needs to NOT be an option!!!

change4penny

anvil....I agree, it just can't be an option. If I were to get to that point to actually put that pipe to my lips, that's when my will and my fight for recovery will be over. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I know me and I know that 3 thing wills end it for me...shame, guilt , and death. I know how my mind and heart thinks and I know that I want recover. So when I start thinking about using (like the other day) that's when I have to ask myself if I'm ready to die. That's my option...LIFE or DEATH...PERIOD.

Penny

Sugah

Yes. In my house growing up, they were the bluejays. I was awoke one morning to the sound of my daddy's shotgun and hauled out of bed soon after to pick up feathers in the front yard. I felt so sorry for those birds. A few years later, I hated them as much as he did.

(Now, I keep bird feeders stocked year 'round as an amends)

Peace & Love,
Sugah

change4penny

Anvil....OMG that's so funny you said that cause that's exactly what my husband used to say back in the day when he use to do some powder every once in a while. And that's what he said the last time he ever touched it, he said, "That's the sickest feeling hearing those birds along with the sun coming up...being all jacked up and trying to come down, knowing that 'normal' people where just now waking up".
And I agree. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Penny

CrackQuack

No, I am not. I just was saying I was SO USED to it being an option. Absolutely it is NOT an option anymore!
I just need to change my thinking, because I was already a forgetful person, then I put all that poison in me and I think it's gotten worse... But NO, it's not an option.

CrackQuack

Oh the talking about the birds waking up reminds me of so many nights my ex and I spent getting high and would still be awake, in his room or his hot tub.. Listening to them. Knowing the regular people were just getting up. Because we didn't always contain our "partying" to just weekends. It often spilled over into the weekdays and we'd be smoking and "pushing", trying to get one more hit out.. Oh god how that disgusts me. I remember when he first started looking on the floor, in front of me, for dropped s*h*i*t and I thought to myself, I'll never do that. It's so creepy.. How quickly I fell in line and was doing it with him. Ugh.. No thank you. I never, ever, want to go back to that. NO NO NO.
I just, carefully, vaccuumed my truck out today. I smoked a lot of dope in it and, there was one time I found a piece between the seats, so I knew there would be some under it. I had my best friend and his girlfriend with me while I cleaned up under the seats and got so nervous, finally he just ended up doing it. I was so afraid to find some cuz I knew it'd be over on that... Besides, I paid his bill, he should do some work for me. hahahaha....
And he did. I told him not to tell me if he found anything, but he doesn't know what it looks like, so it's not like he'd know the difference between a rock and, well, a rock... :rotfxko

change4penny

OMG, I always used in my car. My mom, (God rest her soul) bought me a brand new off the show room floor Nissan Altima coupe, the color...red alert. Well, everything in that car was electric including the seats. I dropped enough sh!t down between the consol and the seat that if I'd been able to get, I could've gotten high for a week solid. I'll never forget being out in the driveway @ 2 am with a flashlight cutting my hands all up trying to reach under and between the seats.
I'll never forget one day my husband and I were going somewhere and I was getting a cd out of the consol and low and behold the was a 20 just laying on top of a cd. I got it before my husband could see it cause he didn't know I was smoking it at the time....he just thought I was snorting it. I remember rushing him to get us home so I could sneak and smoke it and when I did, well that just set me off and I wanted more....think I left the house that day and didn't come home for about 36 hours....Damn I was sick. I put my husband through hell and I'm a lucky woman that he stuck by me, he's a good man.

Penny

CrackQuack

Man can I ever relate. When I first started using with my ex, I could not understand why he was so impatient about me going out and getting it and if I was doing such a sh!tty job at getting it for him, why didn't he get it himself. Then as I kept using and needing more, I understood why it felt it was taking too damned long to get the sh!t! When he'd go out, be gone for 20 minutes, I'd be dialing his number every other minute asking where the he l l he was and when was he going to get back. No doubt some of it was he was sneaking a few hits off the rocks we got, without me... THAT was always what I was thinking.
I manipulated, lied, stole, did all sorts of odd behaviors that I would not do in a normal state of mind.
If I never saw another rock again, it would be too dam ned soon. I don't ever want to look in between the seats, and god help me if I ever saw something on the floor.. I am so glad my best friend helped to clean out my truck.
I haven't felt any need to use, lately, but I know if I saw it, I'd be on it.. UGH. ME NO WANNA SEE! hahahaha..
I am coming up on my 90 days folks! 6 more days.. OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!