SelfSeeking

It came down to me sitting on my bed with a bottle last night, and it was a near thing. I'm grateful to SR chat for pulling me through. I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone right now, not most on SR, not f2f "normie" friends, not AA friends, not even my sponsor. I am afraid of the future, miserable in the present and hung up on the past, and I want to crawl into a bottle and hide. Last night I felt myself enter that trance. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done to go put that bottle back on my roommate's shelf, and I don't think I have the strength to do it again. That's where I'll end up if I don't woman up and start letting things out, good and bad. It's ok if no one reads or comments.

In a week I'll be 6 months sober. I thought it'd be really great by now. But as my life has come back together from the shards it was in by last fall, it's getting harder and harder to manage. I've fought so hard to get here and now maybe I can't handle it? Not to mention my *old* classmates are graduating in a couple of weeks. They're around. It hurts a lot, all these reminders of where I should be right now. I feel so weak. I don't want to see any of them, and these people used to be some of my closest friends. Of course, there was plenty of alcohol to "help" that along.

It's morning and I haven't slept all night (slept most of the day yesterday), but I've got class and I want to experience some awake daytime. I think I'm going to go for a walk and get some coffee. Will probably nap, at least, before working tonight. I've just got to find something good in this day. I can't drink tonight- work- and I can't go through the day feeling like this without drinking at the end. I'll go insane.

On that note, SR, here's hoping you're feeling better than me today.

paulmh

lol, in a couple months I'll be six years sober (Insha'allah!) and lots of things are still pretty tough!

But things are better, and they keep getting better. The direction of travel is good, y'know? I have to be honest I was a mess the first year or so. It was hard! I had to just stick with my little daft slogans - don't pick up that first drink one day at a time, any day sober is a good day, serenity prayer, this too shall pass, let go and let G*d - you know all these! To some people they're just mindless platitudes and cliches - but sometimes for me they were the only thing between me and a drink, and so I'm pretty grateful for them.

But though it was hard, it was worth it. Things ain't great - I've got bad money problems just now - but my direction of travel now, like I said, is a good one for me. It sounds like, even though you're maybe a year behind in your graduation schedule, you're still on track to graduate. You're working hard, and taking responsibility for yourself. Sure, that sometimes means that your path is hard - but you're going the right way at least.

Well done on getting through the day without a drink. During my first year or so - yes, I sat there once or twice with a bottle and I thought about it. Because that was my default position, being an alcoholic. So I know where' you're coming from. But you got through, and you didn't turn back.

All the best

24hrsAday

selfseeking: like paul just said.. though you will have hard days.. when you get through them it makes you stronger! keep it going.. you are worth it!

Mark75

I'm feeling that way today... 7 months.

Maybe it's the weather, a recent major career disappointment, my wife is sad and devastated by that recent disappointment...

Gratitude list time... also some of those little daft slogans Paul mentioned. Thank God I'm feeling a lot stronger with the 7 months of experience not drinking behind me.

Hang in there... get past what your feeling because it will pass. You did the right thing and will be doing that today... not everyone does that... give yourself some credit. You deserve it.

Mark

CarolD

The Serenity Prayer saved my sobriety .quite often.

Anna

Self-seeking,

Good for you for getting 6 months sober! Be proud of yourself.

I know how hard it is, to try to put your life back together, and to be faced with the messes you made while drinking. I was like that too. In fact, I still have occasional moments of a flash-back of something that I did.

Try to not judge yourself based on where your old classmates are now. You are exactly where you should be.

Aysha

I often feel like that. My younger cousins and younger sisters and brother all are doing 10 times better than me. I shouldnt be where I am. But I am.
You are doin a phenominal job with your sobriety. That alone is an accomplishment alot of people cant do. Alot that cant even come to terms with it and end up dieing behind it.
They never even get the chance to think what if and woulda ,coulda ,shoulda.
I know it is hard. And your going to have those days. Everyone has them. Even your friends your talking about.
Drinking is not goin to do anything except give you MAYBE a moment of relief and gratification. And a lifetime of hell. It may not even give you that moment. May make you more depressed and sad. Would suck to give in only to find you feel worse than you did before.
Hang in there. Stay close to us. You never know what another person is goin through. Dont ever compare yourself to anyone. You are winning your very own battle. Be proud of what you have done. Because 6 months is not easy to do. Not in the least.


You have inspired my Daily inspiration today...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ration-16.html

Bamboozle

Same here. I can't do it, though.

TTOSBT

Congratulations on 6 months SS and on not drinking yesterday!
That is HUGE!
I know how you are feeling. I also thought that once I put down the bottle all would be perfect. Um, not so. But life is pretty darn good today and the freedom I feel from the bottle is tremendous!
I have a little over 11 months and and it is still work every day.

But I can not wait to see what the future holds!!

desertdonna

These kinds of challenges do not go unrewarded if we stay the course, SS. It can feel like a hopeless pit of despair at the time. It doesn't help that you have a schedule from hell, and your peers graduating knocks the ego all over the place.

I'm glad that you went to chat, didn't hit the bottle, wrote out your feelings, and decided on a course of action for the day. Hindsight is 20-20, and you'll be very proud in the not so distant future.

Congrats on these six months without the beast! That's a big deal, and getting through these challenges sober is no easy feat.

Hang in there, lady.

Big hug,

Donna

KindBird

Thanks for your honesty and willingness to put this out - for support and also for inspiration for some of us.. I am just over 3 mos and struggling with some stuff right now and it really inspires me to read your process, your struggles, and your huge honesty.

I think you have courage.. it sounds like a tough road and that you have worked really hard. Looks like you have gotten some good ideas in this thread.. I don't have advice - just thanks and support for you on this journey.. Keep going - you are worth it!

Tazman53

Selfseeking I have been in a similar spot that you are in now, my disease screaming at me "Do not ask for help, fight this alone, you can handle me!" For me isolation was when my disease would get the upper hand on me!!!! Standing alone facing the beast!!!

Please reach out, call your sponsor, call some one who has been through this! Do not do as the beast wants you to do, there is no reason to battle the beast alone.

Did you stay sober for 6 months all by your self?

The beast wants you to be alone, can you beat the beast alone?

Check your record. Were you ever able to stay sober for 6 months alone?

This could be just the thing you need to get over the hump, to show the beast that you will not battle alone, that you will ask for help instead of succumbing to his demands. You are reaching out here, reach even further. Are you not willing to do what ever it takes?

Toomutch

Self - congratulations on 6 months! Great work...
I have found that milestones like 3, 6, 9 months and 1 year were hard for me, acting like triggers. I'm not sure if that is part of what you are going through...
Stay strong and beat the beast!

Latte

I hit 6 months clean and sober and got paperwork charging me child endangerment, but ended up being referred to the Mental Health Court. I thought it was going to be a real kick in the gut, but I was able to get through it. Just the other day I got a call from my oldest daughters school that she had made a comment about comitting suicide (she's 10). It took several hours of talking to my children before I figured out it was all unfounded, but it was still difficult. I hit two years today. All of the problems I've encountered since getting C&S were difficult, but would have been nearly impossible if I wasn't C&S. That is the way I look at it. Life may throw some crappy things my way, but my HP has truely been there for me, every step of the way because all the curves I've been thrown the last two years..I'm still alive, my children are alive, happy, healthy and I am truely blessed. I don't sweat the small stuff, and most of it..is really small stuff.

SelfSeeking

Thank you so much for taking the time for all this encouragement... I am really overwhelmed I had poster's regret bigtime after writing this. I have been feeling so WEAK lately, like I should be way stronger and not so needy after this length of time sober. They're really really right. Once you're a pickle, your cucumber days are over.

The last time I was in that fog (you know the one? autopilot searching for forgotten bottles, while the voice inside screams for you to stop?), I drank. Last night I didn't. That's something.

Thank you for reminding me I don't have to do it alone- none of us do. And for me, last night was living proof that I can't. Ease up on those congratulations, though That's next week!

CarolD

Mega

Don't drink...regardless
that is the bottom line.....

Aysha

That sure is.

Dee74

no congratulations then

good news tho

D

Ananda

I'm so glad you made it through that SS....i've had my nights...fortunately i didn't have a bottle in the house....

Please take care (hug)

SelfSeeking

The next day (Monday) reminded me of a lesson it seems I'm always in danger of forgetting. In the course of my job I took care of a woman going through the worst case of DTs I have seen yet. I was afraid at any moment she would start seizing. She never did but her suffering was just... immense. It seems now she's going to be ok.
I got together with some of my new class right before work. They were all drinking but somehow it was ok. Funny, I immediately sniffed out the problem drinker. It was subtle but unmistakable to me. I kinda hate that about myself now, it's like this sixth "drinking buddy" sense. My enabler radar? I think eventually I'm going to have to disclose to one person in that group, once I really know who I can trust. Gotta tell on myself. Monday night was ok mainly because I was heading to work right after. Everyone had brought beer or wine, I asked for a coke and there was actually nothing non-alcoholic in the house! I drank tap water. Yeesh.
Man I wish I was normal.