Feeling positive about my future! but know this feeling will go...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Feeling positive about my future! but know this feeling will go...
Hi there, I have been viewing the forums on this site for about 9 months, back and forth, as I convince myself I have not got a drink problem. But now I'm back again and have finally signed up.
I contacted Alcoholics-Anonymous via email yesterday and they responded back to me. This is what I sent them;
"Hi there, I am 23 years old, I have drank heavily for the past 7 years roughly, longest I have been without a drink is 3 weeks. Over the last couple of years I have had many occassions where I have said to myself that I need to stop but after a week or so I think why should I stop, I love drinking and everyone else does it.
I am a lead guitarist/Musician and I have almost felt it my right/expectation to get wasted like all my hero's did. I am due to get my driving licernse back in 2.5 months after a 2 year ban for Drink Driving, I do not trust myself that I won't do the same again as when I am drinking I am a different person and just feel like self-destructing, I am no-longer a happy drunk and get very dark,depressed and angry towards life. I prefer to drink alone as I don't have to feel so much shame about what I did in front of people. I still live my parents and they have been supportive but they recomend that I go to AA.
I have thought about it before but find it hard to imagine never drinking again as it is pretty much my only friend now. I last had a drink on Wednesday which consisted of me drinking alone on a bench in a park drinking mainly super-strenght cans of Lager, I consequently was very emotional when I got home and when the alcohol was wearing off I had bad withdrawal feeling very anxious and panicky and that I needed more, Thanksfully I couldn't get anymore.
I am playing a gig tonight at a local pub and am determined to stick to soft-drinks, I feel Positive about remaining sober after losing that will and drinking very heavily for the last 4 months.
I live in England and have seen there are 2 meetings a week, howver I feel aprehensive about attending as I don't know what to expect and it is almost admitting defeat, drinking has been a part of me and my identity for a long time. I have suffered depression in the past and consequently dropped out of University, I used alcohol as a medicine as it makes me feel good for a while but it just doesn't work anymore.
Sorry for Rambling on, Any advice/help would be much appreciated. I found this email address via soberrecovery.com/forums of which I have become a memeber today. I really don't want to drink again but at the same time it pains me to say this."
Thanks. Hope to hear from you soon.
I contacted Alcoholics-Anonymous via email yesterday and they responded back to me. This is what I sent them;
"Hi there, I am 23 years old, I have drank heavily for the past 7 years roughly, longest I have been without a drink is 3 weeks. Over the last couple of years I have had many occassions where I have said to myself that I need to stop but after a week or so I think why should I stop, I love drinking and everyone else does it.
I am a lead guitarist/Musician and I have almost felt it my right/expectation to get wasted like all my hero's did. I am due to get my driving licernse back in 2.5 months after a 2 year ban for Drink Driving, I do not trust myself that I won't do the same again as when I am drinking I am a different person and just feel like self-destructing, I am no-longer a happy drunk and get very dark,depressed and angry towards life. I prefer to drink alone as I don't have to feel so much shame about what I did in front of people. I still live my parents and they have been supportive but they recomend that I go to AA.
I have thought about it before but find it hard to imagine never drinking again as it is pretty much my only friend now. I last had a drink on Wednesday which consisted of me drinking alone on a bench in a park drinking mainly super-strenght cans of Lager, I consequently was very emotional when I got home and when the alcohol was wearing off I had bad withdrawal feeling very anxious and panicky and that I needed more, Thanksfully I couldn't get anymore.
I am playing a gig tonight at a local pub and am determined to stick to soft-drinks, I feel Positive about remaining sober after losing that will and drinking very heavily for the last 4 months.
I live in England and have seen there are 2 meetings a week, howver I feel aprehensive about attending as I don't know what to expect and it is almost admitting defeat, drinking has been a part of me and my identity for a long time. I have suffered depression in the past and consequently dropped out of University, I used alcohol as a medicine as it makes me feel good for a while but it just doesn't work anymore.
Sorry for Rambling on, Any advice/help would be much appreciated. I found this email address via soberrecovery.com/forums of which I have become a memeber today. I really don't want to drink again but at the same time it pains me to say this."
Thanks. Hope to hear from you soon.
Last edited by Dee74; 10-03-2010 at 01:31 PM. Reason: by request
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
I did not Drink any alcohol at last nights gig and made sure my father stayed with me all night as I would not have trusted myself when I was with all my mates who were ALL drinking. I had 3 pints of Coca-Cola and it was FANTASTIC!! I left feeling clear headed and portraying myself as the kind, nice person that I am inside and not the Drunken, obnoxious, loudmouth, fool that I have become over the last few years. There were times when it was incredibly hard, mainly because I am very shy and self-conscious when not performing (when on stage I am full of confidence) and I have Always drank when I have been out with anybody.
However I never end up socialising once I have had around 3 pints as the drink takes hold and I find it impossible stop drinking.
I don't think I have ever drank alcohol, when it is readily available, and not reached blackout in the last 7-8 years since I started drinking. I have always found it incomprehensible why or how anyone could ever drink without getting wasted.
Anyway sorry for rambling, it's just I havn't felt this strong about stopping drinking for a long, long time (probably ever)
Thankyou for listening to my story.
However I never end up socialising once I have had around 3 pints as the drink takes hold and I find it impossible stop drinking.
I don't think I have ever drank alcohol, when it is readily available, and not reached blackout in the last 7-8 years since I started drinking. I have always found it incomprehensible why or how anyone could ever drink without getting wasted.
Anyway sorry for rambling, it's just I havn't felt this strong about stopping drinking for a long, long time (probably ever)
Thankyou for listening to my story.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Amarillo, Texas
Posts: 49
Neo, sounds like your doing well. I wish I had recognized that I had a drinking problem at your age. Many things could have changed.
Keep strong. It will be a battle.
Check out "Musicians" in the social group on this web site. It is small, but once people start posting, it may gain some legs.
Tuco
Keep strong. It will be a battle.
Check out "Musicians" in the social group on this web site. It is small, but once people start posting, it may gain some legs.
Tuco
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
and congratulations on deciding to stop drinking. It sounds like alcohol had really taken over in your life, and it's great that you decided to stop while still young. It's especially good you've stopped drinking as you will get your drivers' license back soon and could well get another drunk driving citation if you were still drinking, not to mention the harm that could come of driving drunk.I'm glad you found us and joined the family. There's a lot of support here, so read and post and ask questions. Sobriety really rocks!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Welcome to SR Neo.
It is difficult to quit drinking if you are constantly in situations where you are exposed to it but if it is what you really want it is possible.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide as you alone know what is best for you.
If you do decide to drink, which I hope you don't because it doesn't really sound like it is something you enjoy, please do not drink and drive. This is something that is definitely not in your best interest.
Good luck.
It is difficult to quit drinking if you are constantly in situations where you are exposed to it but if it is what you really want it is possible.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide as you alone know what is best for you.
If you do decide to drink, which I hope you don't because it doesn't really sound like it is something you enjoy, please do not drink and drive. This is something that is definitely not in your best interest.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: ohio
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST 
I did not Drink any alcohol at last nights gig and made sure my father stayed with me all night as I would not have trusted myself when I was with all my mates who were ALL drinking. I had 3 pints of Coca-Cola and it was FANTASTIC!! I left feeling clear headed and portraying myself as the kind, nice person that I am inside and not the Drunken, obnoxious, loudmouth, fool that I have become over the last few years. There were times when it was incredibly hard, mainly because I am very shy and self-conscious when not performing (when on stage I am full of confidence) and I have Always drank when I have been out with anybody.
However I never end up socialising once I have had around 3 pints as the drink takes hold and I find it impossible stop drinking.
I don't think I have ever drank alcohol, when it is readily available, and not reached blackout in the last 7-8 years since I started drinking. I have always found it incomprehensible why or how anyone could ever drink without getting wasted.
Anyway sorry for rambling, it's just I havn't felt this strong about stopping drinking for a long, long time (probably ever)
Thankyou for listening to my story.
However I never end up socialising once I have had around 3 pints as the drink takes hold and I find it impossible stop drinking.
I don't think I have ever drank alcohol, when it is readily available, and not reached blackout in the last 7-8 years since I started drinking. I have always found it incomprehensible why or how anyone could ever drink without getting wasted.
Anyway sorry for rambling, it's just I havn't felt this strong about stopping drinking for a long, long time (probably ever)
Thankyou for listening to my story.
Good luck on your journey, and good job on getting the support of your parents
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
hi Neo....noticed you joined yesterday, and glad you have posted. I use SR and AA and a spiritual practice and lots and lots of other tools to help me stay in sobriety and to make life good again (hug)
It's awsome that you are feeling committed...that feeling my come and go, but by posting and reading at SR I find it easier to keep the comitment.
AA can be the answer fro many alchoholics....for others there are other recovery programs to try....smart, lifering, oh and even within AA their are a variety of types of meetings. Also some people use religion or SR alone...many paths that all have the same goal in mind...
staying sober today
check out the posts and all the forums, maybe try some chat, pm some people if you feel drawn to their posts and make some connections.
Sobriety seems to usually come as a WE deal...rarely does it happen when we are by ourselves
Glad you are here (hug)
It's awsome that you are feeling committed...that feeling my come and go, but by posting and reading at SR I find it easier to keep the comitment.
AA can be the answer fro many alchoholics....for others there are other recovery programs to try....smart, lifering, oh and even within AA their are a variety of types of meetings. Also some people use religion or SR alone...many paths that all have the same goal in mind...
staying sober today
check out the posts and all the forums, maybe try some chat, pm some people if you feel drawn to their posts and make some connections.
Sobriety seems to usually come as a WE deal...rarely does it happen when we are by ourselves
Glad you are here (hug)
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thanks for all of the positive messages guy's, much appreciated!
I know that this ain't gonna be easy, I have already had that little 'questioning doubt' pop into my mind numerous times today already but reading these messages have helped me nip them in the bud. I guess I wouldn't be here now if I didn't want to quit as I know I am not like everybody else when it comes to drinking. I love it Way, way too much but hate it also at the same time, it's like a constant mind battle.
I think deep down inside you know yourself that you have a problem, this is what has made my moods become much darker, depressive and hopeless when I drink now as I start to feel a lot of self-hatred towards myself as I know that I am letting myself down and going back on Dozens of poromises I have made to myself. Wednesday was the tipping point as I was sitting alone in a park drinking to feel 'something'? and it just weren't happening and I had serious thoughts of just packing a bag with a quilt and pillow and just drinking myself into oblivion somewhere and not caring if I ever woke up again. It scared me and I could feel myself slipping back into severe depression again in which another drink is the only answer. I really craved another drink when it was wearing off but all the shops had closed, so I had to ride it out. I hope to not go through that again.
I hope I am not boring you, but find it somewhat therapeutic to be able to type some of this crap out. Thanks again. I feel deep down that I am going to have to go to AA meetings regularly if I am to reamain sober, I never thought it would come to this but I guess it's something I will just have to reluctantly accept. I have tried before to stop and only ever lasted 3 weeks before caving in, hopefully I will do better if I work on the one day at a time theory.
I know that this ain't gonna be easy, I have already had that little 'questioning doubt' pop into my mind numerous times today already but reading these messages have helped me nip them in the bud. I guess I wouldn't be here now if I didn't want to quit as I know I am not like everybody else when it comes to drinking. I love it Way, way too much but hate it also at the same time, it's like a constant mind battle.
I think deep down inside you know yourself that you have a problem, this is what has made my moods become much darker, depressive and hopeless when I drink now as I start to feel a lot of self-hatred towards myself as I know that I am letting myself down and going back on Dozens of poromises I have made to myself. Wednesday was the tipping point as I was sitting alone in a park drinking to feel 'something'? and it just weren't happening and I had serious thoughts of just packing a bag with a quilt and pillow and just drinking myself into oblivion somewhere and not caring if I ever woke up again. It scared me and I could feel myself slipping back into severe depression again in which another drink is the only answer. I really craved another drink when it was wearing off but all the shops had closed, so I had to ride it out. I hope to not go through that again.
I hope I am not boring you, but find it somewhat therapeutic to be able to type some of this crap out. Thanks again. I feel deep down that I am going to have to go to AA meetings regularly if I am to reamain sober, I never thought it would come to this but I guess it's something I will just have to reluctantly accept. I have tried before to stop and only ever lasted 3 weeks before caving in, hopefully I will do better if I work on the one day at a time theory.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
First of all, you are not rambling! You're sharing what's going on with you, so please don't apologize for expressing yourself. It's fantastic that you are. So many people, especially in early Recovery, have a hard time finding the words to express themselves.
Although I was never in a band, I dated many musicians over the years and I know how much alcohol is a part of the music scene. I commend you for only drinking Coca Cola during a gig. One Day at A Time, you will be hearing this expression quite often. Don't overwhelm yourself with thoughts of never drinking again. When you get up each day, just focus on not drinking that day.
Going to AA is not the end of the world, for me it was quite the opposite. It was a beginning for me, a place where finally people understood what I was feeling, knew where I was coming from, had suggestions on how to get through each day as well as different circumstances that came up and most of all, accepted me for me. And it didn't cost me a ton of money like therapy does! lol
Keep posting and sharing like you are. I agree, just pounding these keys and getting these feelings out is very therapeutic. It also helps us get to know you.
God Bless & I hope you stick around with us.
Judy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thankyou so much Serenityqueen. Yes it is very difficult as music and drinking are very interlinked but the drinking has really affected myself and thus my music in a way that unless I try and stop drinking I won't have a future, let alone anything to do with music. I hope I don't pick up that first drink again now as I know I am going to feel even worse as you have been so kind and made the effort to support me that I feel i will be letting you down as well, if that makes sens, even though i don't personally know you.
I have found over the last 2 years or so that the hangovers are becoming much more mental in nature eg- feeling anxious, paranoid, ashamed, remorsefull, hence why I have pretty much only been drinking alone, as it causes me less mental anguish the following day, worrying about what I have said/done. That's what I hate about drinking now more than anything is the mental anguish and the view other's perceive of me as they only ever see me when I am out and thus usually extremely drunk and so acting like a total fool. i feel so ashamed. This is why I usually drink as soon as I wake if i can as it temporality gets rid of the worries and I don't care again.
I have found over the last 2 years or so that the hangovers are becoming much more mental in nature eg- feeling anxious, paranoid, ashamed, remorsefull, hence why I have pretty much only been drinking alone, as it causes me less mental anguish the following day, worrying about what I have said/done. That's what I hate about drinking now more than anything is the mental anguish and the view other's perceive of me as they only ever see me when I am out and thus usually extremely drunk and so acting like a total fool. i feel so ashamed. This is why I usually drink as soon as I wake if i can as it temporality gets rid of the worries and I don't care again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: England
Posts: 9
hi neo! your story made the hair on my bald head stand, i was once where you are now had talent and promise, 35 yrs of boozing killed it , just left with the wreckage and zero
self-confidence . grab the chance to change your self please you wont regret it ( wish i had back then) , good luck to you, by the way im still struggling with booze got 3month sober but drifted back, not as bad , but as we all no it has to be total sobriety in order to have a life worth living , thanks
self-confidence . grab the chance to change your self please you wont regret it ( wish i had back then) , good luck to you, by the way im still struggling with booze got 3month sober but drifted back, not as bad , but as we all no it has to be total sobriety in order to have a life worth living , thanks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: England
Posts: 9
just a thought neo, but find out if theres a A.D.S. (addiction dependency solutions) in ur area they are good and you will find plenty support there , maybe you,ve already been , just thought it worth a mention ta
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 104
Heya!
I thinks its fantastic that you have the presence of mind and self awareness to get on top of this now while you are young and have so many things going for you!
The alcohol seems to be very much linked to a feeling of depression for you - working on that might be key for you. I don't know you so don't know exactly what to suggest but maybe speak to a professional about that - a doctor, psychologist or cousellor might be a good place to start.
I suffered a lot from depression in my 20's (am 32 now - and no that's not old! hahaha) and I know its a key ingredient to me relapsing because when I feel so down I dont care about... well anything and that self destruction is what kept me going back for more.
I'm glad you found this site. I have found it incredibly helpful.. there are truly amazing people around here.
I wish you all the best.
I thinks its fantastic that you have the presence of mind and self awareness to get on top of this now while you are young and have so many things going for you!
The alcohol seems to be very much linked to a feeling of depression for you - working on that might be key for you. I don't know you so don't know exactly what to suggest but maybe speak to a professional about that - a doctor, psychologist or cousellor might be a good place to start.
I suffered a lot from depression in my 20's (am 32 now - and no that's not old! hahaha) and I know its a key ingredient to me relapsing because when I feel so down I dont care about... well anything and that self destruction is what kept me going back for more.
I'm glad you found this site. I have found it incredibly helpful.. there are truly amazing people around here.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Neomarxist, The only advice I can give you is to get to an AA meeting. The help you need is in those rooms. Go to a bunch of different meetingg until you find a few that you feel comfortable with. You'll be amazed at how much support you can get. And stick around SR. We're pretty free with answers, too.
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