AmIanAddict30

i just want to say i hate everything. i cant stop these stupid pain meds. im prescribed Oxycodone (not OxyContin) 5 mgs Imm Rel tabs 120 per month. I am an idiot. I go and buy 30 mgs from people. I have real pain. I want it to end. I wish i never was introduced to pain meds. I wish I had OxyContin and Xanax instead of plain Oxycodone (Perk5's) and Klonis. I smoke weed and cigs. I take muscle relaxers (SOMA) and it screws me up. I dont want it anymore but it makes me feel so good. I dont know if I'm an addict because I use them for pain and real anxiety but I wish I'd just stop.

I'm so tempted to use Coke. I don't want to but weed and oxy isn't doint much for me anymore. I won't inject anything maybe the other way. I just want my pain to go away and I want all my bad memories and thoughts to stop.

I get anxiety in my stomach, racing thoughts, keeps me up at night, I try to use the muscle relaxer for sleep but it makes me drowsy thenext day

Who really cares right? Sorry for posting something like this. Do real addicts take more than prescribed? My bottle says I can take 10 a day (2 every 4 hours) so sometimes I take 4 at a time nothing at all. No feeling of highness.

christin1225

Wrong. It is what it is whether or not anyone cares. But, you've posted to a forum where a lot of people care.

Trick question, right? Addicts take when prescribed, when not prescribed, as prescribed, and definitely more than prescribed.

You sound frantic. When I sound like that, my sponsor and friends tell me to breathe.

Oh BTW and welcome to SR

I'll soon be going to bed. What can you tell me about yourself in like 30 words or less

christin1225

Only kidding about the 30-word thing. When I first posted on SR, my post was titled A Non-Addict Seeking Advice or something like that. I really had no clue, whatsoever, that I was an addict. I found that this was a really great place where a lot of good people posted good advice.

I'm just encouraging you to tell me a little bit about yourself.

I'm a mother of three boys (16,18,20) Oxys turned my world upside down. I never really took them for pain, but for anxiety. They worked like a charm. In fact, they fixed everything until they started to demand everything.

I understand why you are frantic. Is this the first place that you've come to about your drug use?

JustAYak

Okay first of all, as I'm sure a few coke addicts will pass by in the next 12 hours.. DON'T DO IT. No matter how tempted you are, you'll end up spending 2,000 (maybe more) a month eventually because you'll be a full blown addict. That stuff is too strong for you not to get hooked. You don't want to get hooked... you want to stay away.. also, have you tried to talk to your doctor and explain this to them?

Secondly, yes, real addicts take way more than prescribed...
Also, I must ask.. why are seeking to get high? Sounds like addict behavior to me..

P.S. - I was just thinking, the weed isn't a good idea either... people say it's not addictive. That's not true. It is a "habit-forming" drug which means you become psycologically dependent on it but not physically dependent (no withdrawls). Being psycologically dependent is pretty much just as bad because you start spending tons of money on it because you just start to feel like you need it too function correctly, even if it doesn't always do something for you. It's like LSD (a drug I use) only a little less potent, there is no withdrawl but can cause some serious long-term damage, including psychosis You don't want to use that drug...

tbeit

I get anxiety in my stomach, racing thoughts, keeps me up at night, I try to use the muscle relaxer for sleep but it makes me drowsy thenext day

Times that 1000 times and that the joy of coke.It makes you paranoid and anxious and as bad as it feels you keep doing it.You cant sleep so at 3 a.m. you take the last 40 bucks out of the atm and go to the worst part of town risk getting arrested so you can do more of the same crap that makes you so sick.

scaredtostp

If you want you can read my post detox,, in substance abuse, this section, and see how and what i went through to get off the meds...good luck to you my friend, i never thought i could do it and im still in the detox, seven days later, i think and im doing it......

tommyk

One of the true horrors of addiction is the realization that certain drugs and their dosages no longer produce an effect. What once worked... no longer works.

Face this reality... forget about resentments and 'wishes'... address the problem NOW.

The problem will NOT get better by itself.

Who really cares? We do. Keep coming back.

change4penny

AmIAnAddict

I know I am! I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, just shy of seven months clean. Before going to rehab, I was taking 30mg of hydo and oxycodones every day along with snorting/smoking an 8ball of cocaine. I'm lucky to be alive. That's called 'speed-balling' and it's a very deadly combination. DON'T DO IT!
If you really want help, the first thing I'd do is tell your doctor. He want be shocked, he's seen before. He sure is prescribing you a lot of meds...10 oxycodones per day, K-pins, and Somas? WOW!
In the meantime, welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here along with good advice from people who've been exactly where you are, so keep posting.

Hang in there,

Penny

Tish28

I've just read your pain wrenching post. Wow!! All that!
You have many issues to deal with. First and foremost, you must start to find YOU amonst all this cr*p. Who are you, and what do you want?? Do you honestly want to stop the pills? If so, go to see your docter, tell him everything and set up a serious tapering plan. he's a docter, he will listen and has more than likely seen this happen quite a few times. There's no shame in the truth. I think also that you need a therapist, to deal with all your childhood issues, and the raping when you were in your twenties.You are carrying around a lot of unwanted extra bagagge. A therapist will show you how to let go and move forward. Another option is to go into detox. There you will be helped 24/24 and IF you WANT this, you will come out free - then is the time to hit meetings my friend -N.A. or A.A..
Make a decision as soon as you wake up. If you take this route things will only get BETTER for you. Please, at least try it.

Stagebear

Addict30-
You need to check in and let us know what's up. That was a whole lot of stuff you posted and it's hard to tease out where to even begin. A lot of it was the ramblings of someone who was high, I get that. But one thing is pretty clear, dude, you need direct help and fast.
A lot of your "issues" may or may not have to do with your drug abuse and frankly it doesn't matter much right now. You just need to get clean. That medicine chest you state you're consuming is lethal. "Issues" come later.
That's what to deal with now.

CrackQuack

What specific things do you hate and why do you hate them? Would you mind telling us a bit more please?
What kind of pain do you have? My experience has always been if you are not taking your meds as prescribed, in any, way, shape, or form, you are abusing them.
Please do not try coke. Cocaine is highly addictive. Do not let anyone tell you it is not, or it is only psychological (in your head) because it is not. Cocaine and crack cocaine are two of the worst drugs out there. Coke is worse because it's become a "social" drug, and if you are an addict, it won't be long before you are spending thousands of dollars a month on cocaine or trying crack, heroin, or meth (the "big" three), and getting hooked on one of them. Cocaine is less physical than some of the other drugs out there, but it still has a HIGH price to pay. Too high to waste your time on. Trust me. I am a crack addict. I started with the powder. It wasn't long before I chucked the powder aside for the rock. I never looked back.
Welcome to SR, you have come to a place where people care. There are so many addicts here, in various stages of recovery, to give you support, opinions, advice, and information.
I am 80 days clean today! No crack, and no substituting (filling my crack cravings with weed, pills, or alcohol).
I have a little money in my pocket, some emotional/mental pains, a lot of happiness, my son back, a job, and a very smelly truck! *grins*
Please share more about yourself, and let us see if we can help! *HUGS*

dragonheart

You are not alone at all with this. Me and a lot of other people struggle with the same thing on a daily basis.On average,I get 300 or more pain pills a month from one doctor and only costs me 10 dollars with insurance so it is very easy for me to use but i am in the same boat as you where they dont do anything for the pain anymore so its time to quit and i would suggest that you do the same.Good luck.

AmIanAddict30

Crackquack I'm glad you got off the stuff. And to everyone else. Right now I feel nothing and I hate it. I so much want to smoke a joint but I'm not. It sucks.

I don't know what to do. I can't get it out of me and I want to. I don't like it anymore. I feel selfish because everyone has more issues than me and I just blabbed them all out and didn't even think.

I have to take something because I hate feeling that zero feeling if anyone knows what I mean.

AmIanAddict30

Hi,
It's about noon and I just woke up. I don't want to do what I did yesterday but I feel it coming on and I don't know what to do. The first thing I do when I wake up is think about my pills and go to my "pill bag" and start off small.

I hate being labeled a pill popper. That's what I'm known as. I want to feel good about myself and I feel like those are the things that help me. I had such a bad urge to try coke last night. My two friends that I hang with do it and most of their friends. They say it takes away your anxiety, it makes you feel happy and your worries go away.

I'm so stupid for what I did yesterday. I took 12 Klonipins, crushed up 5 percocet (right now I only have the ones with Tylenol, but I get prescribed the ones without them, but I ran out of my script and have to wait. For about 2 hours I felt like I was normal.

I am scared about doing coke and I don't want to do it but at the same time I do. I don't know why the urge won't go away and I never tried it. What an exiting thing to wake up to and crave pills (not), but it is like they are there waiting for me.

I was in a car accident about a year ago and first started off with Vicodin. I knew what to do...call the dr and say that the Vikes weren't working and then got the Perks.

I did all those stupid ER scams, I felt so guilty when I saw people who really needed something and I was seeing the doctor and always came out with 20 Percocet. One ER Dr came right out and asked if I was abusing Percocet. Of course I said no and ended up getting 30 Vikes. I know when I go see my dr every 4 months I play it off cool. I can never ever give any type of hint that I have a problem with them because I know I'll be cut off.

I was doing almost 240 Opiates a month because when they called in the Vicodin, they put 6 refills. Two doctors put me on Klonis so I have about 8 scripts left. They come in 0.5 and there are at least 140 per refill. Then I do the trading which is dumb but I love when I switch with a friend and she gives me Somas. Those things are pretty wierd. They make your speech wierd but the thing I hate about them is they put you to sleep after. Then I trade with someone else and get Adivans and Addorals. This is so stupid to say also but I so badly want Xanax and thery're only 4 bucks a bar or something like that.

I stopped smoking weed last week or so. I miss it but I was spending too much money on it and usually ending up getting the stuff that doesn't make me high or the one that gives me a high then makes me sleep. The stuff I do is legal because I have scripts for most of them. I just got prescribed Serequal. I see 5 doctors because of my issues. A PCP, Neuro, Orthopedic, Pill Lady or shrink whatever she is. Everytime I go she says do you need more Klonipin. I feel like saying No lady, give me Xanax but I won't because then she'll think I'm crazy and probably already does.

It must be a really easy job to sit at your desk, be with someone for ten minutes and start writing.

I've been diagnosed with so much stuff. The way I found out was because I had to get my medical records for something and it lists the things. Let's see: Anxiety, Bipolar 1 (but they changed it to Bipolar 2 and I have no idea what they did that for, I am going to Google it to see what the difference is). Nueralgia, Degenertive Disk Disease because one or two of my disks dislocated when I got into the accident. Then some kind of Tired thing, I think it's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Scatia?, Lumbar, whatever they put on my thing.

I never knew I had so many problems till I read all that. As soon as I wake up I have pain in my back and leg because of my disks. And I get constant headaches.

I remember the first time the Dr. wrote me out Klonipin. I tried not to smile and I didn't. I thought it was going to be a mirical drug. My bottle for Klonipin says Take 2 in the AM, one in the afternoon and two at bedtime. My Percocet bottle says take 1 to 2 every 4 to 6 hours as needed. And the thing on it says Days Supply 5 but I have to make them last a half a month because I get 60 Perk 5's every two weeks.

I miss my Vicodin refills. They were 10 325 with the least amount of Tylenol and my Percs usually don't have that crap in it.

I remember when 30 Vikes would last me 30 days. I'd take them at night and feel great. Then I was too nervous to go back to the ER but I always thought of them. A good visit at the ER meant pills, a bad one meant Motrin but I usually got lucky and got Valiums which did really nothing to me, yeah forget those.

I wish they'd change me to Xanax. I tried to say that the Kloni's weren't working and praying she was going to say ok try Xanax but I get Serequal- Grrrrrrr.

Those things just knock you out. I have to go to almost 5 pharmacies before I can get my Oxycodone filled because every place says that they don't have them because of a shortage. I used to get the pink or red Oxycodens that said Ethex 635 or something on them. Those were so nice. Now I get white ones that have an M on them.

Those suck. I know that both are the same strength but I felt like the red Percocets were so awesome and better than the white ones. I could take 3 of those and feel great now I have to take 6 of the white ones to feel anything. I can't wait untill the red ones come back. I know those were stronger than the white ones even though they were the same dose.

I get an anti-convuslant and I'm supposed to take 5 a day. I take 3 and don't feel like eating. Wow I lost 30 pounds so far because I never feel like eating because my stomach always feels sick after taking those. I tell that to my Neuro and he really doesn't care. Now, I'm not faking my pain because I have it. I feel like I hate life because of it. Pain sucks. Most of the meds they throw at me make me feel sick to my stomach except the Percocet and Klonipin.

I'm not making up my pain but I swear the Neurologist doesn't care. I know it would go away if they gave me Oxycontin. I guess I'm not good enough in their eyes to get those. All they want to do is keep me in pain and make me feel sick. Whatever.

I miss my old dentist. He was so good at giving me Percs. Sometimes he gave me Perck 10 / 325 and as dumb as this sounds, it was like a dream come true. It is pretty wierd because if I add a Tylenol to my Percocet (the ones with out them) it makes me feel the med more. Someone told me that it's the Tylenol that makes the Oxycodnes better.

It is like I have a good voice and a bad voice telling me stuff. I don't hear voices in that way but those shows where you have an angel on one side and the devil on the other. It says take 1 or 2 every 4 to 6 hours so really I am not abusing them. I can take 2 every four hours but then I'm screwed and end up buying them and I know what the pills look like.

About the Klonipin, I tried so hard to stop them. I broke them in half to try to tamper off but I got more anxiety. I used to split them and take half but then in less than an hour I'd pop 2 more. That's what Mr Neuro says is to take 5 a day of the Klonis. And then my other pill dr prescribes me Klonis so it's like I am in refill heaven and they keep giving them to me without even asking.

I know what I am in their eyes. A bipolar, depressed, anxiety ridden, pain freak. Nothing at all is working for me and I just want it to go away and I'm not into suicide or anything like that because I used to try that when I was younger and one time I almost was sucessful. I hate thinking about it and I still have a mark on my neck but no one knows what its from oh wait except the therapist. I was stupid and told her now she has it logged probablly in her notes.

So now they probably have me as a suicidal phsyco and I'm not. I really am a good person and I care about people but I feel like if my pain meds ever got taken away that that would be the end of the world. Sorry for babbling on and on about this stuff, I'm not high. I only took 2 Klonis, and a Vike. Yeah I bet if i sweep really good in my room I'll come up with ten more vicodins. It's embarrassing because in my car I bet there are 4 or 5 or 6 or who knows Klonipins on the floor or in that crease. And I'm not doing anything illegal with the weed because you can't get arrested if you have under an ounce but it's been three days without a joint.

I miss it so much. I guess it's not addicting because I don't have any mental cravings for it but I just want to spark one up. Oh instead I switched back to smoking cigs. I was doing so good with those. I went two years without a cigarette and now it's like I smoke like a chimeny. It helps a bit with my anxiety but I put one out and light another.

This may sound odd but I don't drink or usually don't drink alcohol because it makes me feel sick but sometimes I feel like taking a few shots of something but I hate the taste and the feeling. I remember when I used to get drunk I was a suicidal maniac when everyone else was having fun. Not me, I was on the couch stupidly drunk telling people I was going to do something stupid. Now I think about it I was being selfish and looking for attention.

Well sorry if I do sound like a nut or something. I got that feeling of emptiness to go away for a while. I don't know how to describe it. It is almost like when I wake up I feel this wierd feeling in my whole body. Now I'm kind of numb and it makes me feel normal but it won't last long so I guess the Klonipins work ok hope no one hates me here for posting all this by and hope everyone has a nice day.

AmIanAddict30

Oh thanks for everyone for y our post. I want to hit the thanks button on everyone but dont want to be a pain in the a--

Iamlucy

Thats alot of different pill combinations. I also had the degenerated disk condition and had to have surgery where they cut out part of my back. I was prescribed xanex and it really doesn't help like you would think. Its terrible to have back pain, my back hurts everyday I feel like I'm 72 but im 27. I don't know why doctors are so willing to give you a script for anything. I just recently got off the meds. I wouldnt start doing coke; Ive pretty much been addicted to every drug you could think of.

What will happen when you start doing coke is that you will get paranoid and more anxiety.

Freedom1990

I have degenerative disc disease, sciatica, and chronic fatigue syndrome.

I see a pain management specialist, and manage my pain without the use of narcotics. I get a series of injections about every six months into my tailbone to knock out the sciatica. The pain in my lumbar area is manageable through aspirin, knowing what I can/can't do physically (lifting limitations, no prolonged periods of standing/stooping/bending).

I would strongly recommend you check into inpatient rehab, with a medical detox considering everything you are on.

Iamlucy

I agree with you freedom. From what I heard physical therapy is so needed after back surgery. I didn't have insurance because I was in the process of being laid off; so the doctor gave me a brocher of different excercises to do.

But everyone told me that physical therapy was a must and now I agree with them. It would I'm sure help your pain I am an addict. I had the surgery like three weeks before xmas so I don't know if it will help me anymore but I'm not sure when you had your surgery.

Iamlucy

Im not sure but I think almost everyone here is diagnosed with bipolar or everyother mental disease. I know for sure I'm the perfect canidate and have not only been diagnosed with that but depression, PTSD, and anxiety. In the end I really think doctors should really just diagnose me as an addict and not keep giving me pills.

change4penny

Lucy, first of all, you may be prescribed the pils legally but what you're doing WITH them is illegal. Abusing and taking more that you're supposed to is addiction and if you were pulled over by a cop while under the influence of these pills and you told him "I get a script from my Dr."...he has the right to look at your scripts and count them. If they don't add up compared to the time you got them...you will go to jail for dui.

And the only thing I've been diagnosed with is Drug addiction. A lot of thing happen to your brain if you've abused drugs for a long period of time. I think that some doctors too easily diagnose people with bp or depression and hand out too many meds for these so called disorders. Yeah, I get depressed, but hell, I'm coming off of a 20 year addiction to pills and cocaine...which has had my life in turmoil, of course I'm depressed. But I'm dealing with it and it's getting better with each day I stay clean.
What good is it doing you to get prescribed the meds if you're abusing them. Sounds to me like it's creating a 'bigger monster'....An Addict.

Hope you get honest with your doctors and honest with yourself soon.

Penny