MyGirlMimi

I've been clean again for 5 days and I am feeling great. Amazing resolve, committed to never pilling it up again but inside me there is this voice, the pessimist (or realist considering the number of times I've relapsed) that is just waiting for this cloud to bottom out on me and drop me into a pit of despair again. I am wondering when it is going to happen again, where I am tempted to use just "once", and I'm back on the roller coaster from hell.

It's like I won't/can't allow myself to be happy because this w/d has been very easy for me in comparison to others in terms of symptoms AND in desire to NOT use.

I am waiting for the addict in me to wake up again and sell me on the joys of a goodbye tryst with Mr. Codeine. I'm thinking "this is just tooooo easy".

I know its going to happen but I don't want it to hit me like a Mac truck this time. I've been through enough relapses to know the M.O. of my addicted self and she is quite the sales lady. I am on guard for her, but don't know when it's going to happen and at what opportunity she will arise. Most predicatably, it will be when I am pissed off, anxious or severely stressed.

I guess this is awareness?

change4penny

Hi, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 173 days clean. Because of the pills, (opiates) I know what w/d is like and it is motivation not to use, On the other hand, there are no physical w/d's from coke, it's all mental. The bottom line is whether it's an easy w/d or not, you have to get it in your head that you're an addict and the results with every relapse could potentialy end in death. So think about that the next time 'Mr.Codeine' calls your name. Also, find a meeting to attend.
Good Luck

change4penny

anvil
Wow, that reminds me.....I'm also a recovering opiate/coke/crack addict....anyway, the day before I checked into rehab, I'd gotten some 'hard' that wasn't worth a damn, I called the guy, and told him that it 'sucked'. He said, "I'll take care of it later"...yeah, right!
Well, the next day as I was packing to go to rehab, guess who called!!! And, yes, I went and got it...didn't have to pay for it again. Got high on my way to rehab. Who would've thought he'd was an 'up-standing' drug dealer!
I swear, that **** is of the devil and so are the people that sell it! And this story just proves that, because, i've be screwed in that department before and never had a dealer make it right!
:wtf2

emmer

Very well put Anvil.
Mimi, I'm on day 17 clean of everything. No codeine, no nothing.
I very highly recommend phoning someone from NA and having a talk. Or just get to some meetings, right away. Don't put it off, or you'll set yourself up for relapse.

I personally, can't do it without going to meetings and your most likely the same as me.

Ok? so go google NA in your area, and phone right now, please!

MyGirlMimi

I've resolved to go to a meeting on Sunday. This is a big step for me because of the anxiety I face with such things.

Can I just call someone or a number that is listed? I just thought those numbers were only there to leave a message and ask about times, dates, etc., to the meetings.

Really, it IS a matter of death for me. I CANNOT use again - EVER. It's also a matter of whether or not I ever get to have kids since these things will mess up organs that will mess up the endocrine system, etc. I can never claim ignorance to what I am doing to myself because I've spent literally months reading over whatever material I can find. I know this will kill me one day. I should know better because I was left a little girl with no father due to his addiction. Why am I BEING SO STUPID! I am so mad at myself. I am ashamed, which leads me eventually to seek an out to the raw emotion of shame and guilt. I think I gained something from the last relapse though, because I am now of the opinion that running away from the shame and guilt is far worse for me than facing it and feeling the rest of myself in my entirety. I miss my gregariousness, my sense of humour, my energy and stamina. I stole almost FIVE years of that from myself. I should be angry as hell!

But, for today I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. I resolved not to use today. Tomorrow I will wake up and make another resolution. I can't think about it though. I am enjoying the life slowly come back to my bloated and beaten up body. I want to cry at every moment just because I need a release, not because something in particular made me upset. I have to take the swell of emotions in stride and allow myself to be without any preconceived notion of what I ought to be and what I am because of what I did to myself. I don't want to analyse the spilled milk on the floor, but instead want to wipe it up bit by bit. No timelines, no expectations (other than to commit to life on its terms) and to stop fighting the inevitable truth that control is just an illusion. I give up and raise my hands to the sky and hope that my God will think I'm worthy enough to pick me up and carry me for a while.

Nallabelle

I think what you are going through sounds pretty normal. The best advice I can give is to say that you need to have a plan in place for if it does happen. Prevention and preparation is key. Only YOU can stop yourself from using and if you do use again, then that only means you havent bottomed out yet, but to me it sounds like you have.
Stay strong!

change4penny

Mygirlmimi
I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict. The longer I ran from my problems the further I spiraled into my addiction, until I finally bottomed out. Part of recovery is to start facing the problems head on without drugs. You need to run towards a solution, run towards a meeting, RUN TOWARDS RECOVERY.
I'll be :praying for you

emmer

Hey Mimi, did you call someone yet? I'm a bit of a shy sob, so if I can do it, you can do it, too.
I had to put my bad anxiety aside and say F it! I picked up the phone and called and now i love meetings. There lots of fun and they'll help you save your ass at the same time, too.

emmer

wow, that was really something Anvil.

MyGirlMimi

Day 6 clean. Ankles are still swelling, but I do have like 80 extra frikkin pounds on me and I am as unhealthy as all old hell right now still working full time and going to school. Does anyone else have experience with this swelling business?

I realized something else today. The pills were my crutch to get through the busy schedule I made for myself. I graduate this December hopefully, depending on whether or not the remaining courses I need for my licencing and diploma are offered in the terms I need them to be.

I have made a promise to myself today that if I find my schedule too busy, my sobriety is more important to me than graduating 6 months earlier could ever be. I will tone down the schedule.

Impurrfect

Good for you on putting your recovery first!! I understand wanting to graduate early (I'm not a very patient person). I'm taking classes online, and had planned on just flying through them. Unfortunately, life got in the way and I'm now moving at a snail's pace, but I'm doing what I need to do, and my recovery is strong.

As far as your ankles, I'd recommend seeing your dr. I don't know if you were taking the codeine with tylenol, but if you were, that's pretty toxic to your liver. When your liver is stressed, it can cause you to retain fluids. It's better to get it checked (simple blood test). The good news is, the majority of the time, your liver can heal itself, it just takes time.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MyGirlMimi

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's my liver, but I am noticing a little bit of a reprieve now. The symptoms are a bit better now that I am on day 8 clean. I also think I am going to go to the dr because it is hitting only my left leg and I am worried about dvt. Seeing that my job is sedentary and I don't get much exercise, not to mention the weight I put on while using, I'd better get it checked out.

MyGirlMimi

Hi everyone,

I'm posting an update because, well, your advice has really helped and I want a sort of online progress report I can look back on.

It's day 10 for me today and I have had/am having a bit of a desire to use "just one more time" today. It's the stress of Monday, I have a lot of studying to do and I am hating my boss and my job. I'm negative nellie today. I'm stressing out, so now I know my anxiety is a big catalyst. So, instead I did some work (finished it off, actually) because I've been up since 5am (and went to bed at 2:30am), I am tackling a room upstairs that I am slowly preparing for redecorating (and it has been "on the list" since last year). I'm feeling pretty resentful too. I have a s/o who helps with nothing, and it's a fight just to ask him to do the dishes while I am tearing down drywall, or plastering a wall up. I am pissed off and that is another reason I am using as an excuse.

However, something really important to me was said here on this thread last week, and it solidified that I cannot use - EVER. There is no excuse good enough. There is no reason that is good enough to risk my life, attack my sanity, depress myself, and put myself on the horrible roller coaster again. I have to learn how to cope in other ways. I do not drink (I haven't in about 6 years except for a cousins wedding last year where one drink made me sick) and I am too invested in getting my health back.

On another note, I went to the NA meeting yesterday!!! I just smiled and introduced myself and asked everyone if it would be okay if I just sat and listened. It was no problem for them obviously, yet I felt bad for it. I just know that if I said anything, I would throw up first. NOT a good first impression.

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and advice. I pretty much stick to this thread right now because I feel that I am in no position to offer advice just yet, but I just read and read and read instead. This group is helping me so much.

Taking5

Congrats on the first meeting. Don't even worry about the first impression, newcomers are one of the biggest reasons we go to meetings. It is our responsibility to be there for the newcomer, just like someone was there for us.

change4penny

MygirlMimi
I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 178 days clean.
You are doing great for day 10. Just keep doing what you're doing, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Stay focused on what's important, that being you and your recovery.
As far as the meeting...you'll get to the point where you feel like sharing. Just being there is a big step. By listening to other people's stories, you'll find that you can relate to a lot of them.
Hang in there and keep posting!
I'm proud of you!

Penny

emmer

Well ......... I'm very proud of you for going to your first NA meeting, very proud!

I too think about one last go with _____ but we have to stay vigilant or we'll screw ourselfves over once again, and that only means sorrow and pain and perhaps death.

Keep up the good work Mimi.

bval

Nice work Mimi, I like your attitude girl

And PS: Don't feel obliged to speak at meetings, or explain to anyone why you are not going to speak. Just relax and listen, and don't sweat it. Everyone there understands, because they were a newcomer once, too, ya know? If you get 'volunteered' to speak by the secretary or speaker, just say 'pass' and nobody will look at you askance, I promise. Just keep coming back ...

kj3880

Yep, you are doing very well for early recovery!
And everyone here is telling you right, you do not have to speak at all.
Or if you feel like it, then you can.
Either way, we just want you to keep coming back.
We are so happy when a newcomer sticks around and seems to be "getting it."
In my experience, the newcomers that talk a lot right out of the gate aren't usually the ones who do stick around anyway, but that's just my experience.
I still rarely share at meetings, maybe once every 30 meetings or so, but I'm very shy. I only talk when I really think of something that I think needs to be said to help someone or if I am burning to say something. And that isn't often. I say a lot more on here than in person!!!

The thing that you do want to do at meetings is really listen. Start listening especially for women who have a great recovery program that you would like to have as a sponsor, getting some phone numbers to start a network. Then work yourself into calling someone once a day. Just to say "hi, remember me from yesterday's meeting?" I am always happy when someone new really calls me. And if we don't answer right away, leave a message so we can call back as some of us may be at work, or whatever. Don't assume anything.

Maybe pick up a basic text and read some of it.

Love,
KJ

MyGirlMimi

I was looking at some of the texts but didn't even want to ask which one would be good for a newbie like me. I felt like a newborn baby girl who saw the world for the first time yesterday, and I would like to go to more - one every day if possible, but I can't because of my commitments to school and work. I am all of a sudden just craving to be near other people like me; like my dad.

When I got home I came to the computer and looked on here for a bit but I just cried and cried. I am still crying. I am just so sad and for the first time ever I am telling my father I love him and miss him and understand everything he went through and wish that there were programs and medical support for him back then as there is for me now. Crying actually feels good because it's getting rid of all my shame and anger.

kj3880

Well, then cry if it is helping! And thank God for the ability to cry without using! We do tend to feel very emotional in early recovery. The roller coaster effect! It levels off soon I promise!

I could never do every day either, but on days off, sometimes I'd go to 3 in one day to kind of get my mind caught up on recovery. On really bad days I have to go, no matter what. If you get a good network of other women in recovery to call, then on days when you can't get to a meeting, you can still get in some fellowship on the phone while driving or on the bus to work or school. Sometimes that can be enough to get you through to the next meeting you can get to. And keep coming on here.

I think you sound like you are very motivated.:ghug3

Oh, get the "Basic Text" first. It's only 8 to 10 bucks. Or it's free if you are new and have no money at many of the meetings. Listen for that if you are broke!

Love,
KJ