I've resolved to go to a meeting on Sunday. This is a big step for me because of the anxiety I face with such things.
Can I just call someone or a number that is listed? I just thought those numbers were only there to leave a message and ask about times, dates, etc., to the meetings.
Really, it IS a matter of death for me. I CANNOT use again - EVER. It's also a matter of whether or not I ever get to have kids since these things will mess up organs that will mess up the endocrine system, etc. I can never claim ignorance to what I am doing to myself because I've spent literally months reading over whatever material I can find. I know this will kill me one day. I should know better because I was left a little girl with no father due to his addiction. Why am I BEING SO STUPID! I am so mad at myself. I am ashamed, which leads me eventually to seek an out to the raw emotion of shame and guilt. I think I gained something from the last relapse though, because I am now of the opinion that running away from the shame and guilt is far worse for me than facing it and feeling the rest of myself in my entirety. I miss my gregariousness, my sense of humour, my energy and stamina. I stole almost FIVE years of that from myself. I should be angry as hell!
But, for today I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. I resolved not to use today. Tomorrow I will wake up and make another resolution. I can't think about it though. I am enjoying the life slowly come back to my bloated and beaten up body. I want to cry at every moment just because I need a release, not because something in particular made me upset. I have to take the swell of emotions in stride and allow myself to be without any preconceived notion of what I ought to be and what I am because of what I did to myself. I don't want to analyse the spilled milk on the floor, but instead want to wipe it up bit by bit. No timelines, no expectations (other than to commit to life on its terms) and to stop fighting the inevitable truth that control is just an illusion. I give up and raise my hands to the sky and hope that my God will think I'm worthy enough to pick me up and carry me for a while.