Nallabelle

Today was a new day for me. I am done with my detox finally, though most certianly not out of the woods.
Things are starting to come to light. I am clear headed enough to now see what has happened in my life while using. I have gotten a slap in the face with the long term concequences of my actions on everyone around me.
I am thankful that I only used for the amount of time I did. I am thankful that I never got beyond pills or beyond 100mg a day.
But I have created a catastrophie. My parents are devestated. No one believes I have quit and it makes sense as to why. I mean I turned into a liar so why would they believe me now? My mom said she cant sleep at night because she is so worried about me and my kids. My dad has probably lost years off his life. I am the youngest and only girl. I have 4 older brothers. My dad has always had faith in me, even when no one else did.
My husband left tonight. He is really angry. I wrote in another post that I paid someone who I got pills from 20$ that I owed them from a while back. I lied to Jeff and now he thinks I am still using. I mean its not like its been that long anyway, I just got through detox and he thought I quit two weeks ago. I am starting to see on his face that he is losing his love for me. He said he wants more for his life. I also have a spending problem (go figure) that is contributing to this.
I feel good today because I chose not to use. I really didnt want to. I thought about it but it just wasnt a big deal.
Naturally Im sick and also fatigued beyond words because I am in my first trimester. The biggest thing I am facing now is the future. I am sort of numb and emotionless. I have been having a hard time focusing on my kids and chores. I am just kind of in my own world. Not a lot of energy or motivation. Im just kind of "here". Is this going to pass, or is this me?

ANGELINA243

"This too shall pass".....keep moving forward in recovery.

kj3880

Nallabelle~here is what you posted just a few hours ago on Pinocchio's thread:

I TOTALLY understand what you are going through. Totally. If you are going to taper to avoid withdrawal you should probably go lower than 40mg.
I tapered off and am nearing the end of my detox. Tapering did help but I definitely still felt the bad stuff. Not as bad as when I did it cold turkey though.
taper lower and slowly. You sound like you would benifit from suboxone though because you said you have tried to quit so many times. Good luck

Are you totally clean off of opiates at this point? Get honest just for yourself, not for anyone else. It doesn't matter in the long run what we or your husband believe about it, but if you are lying to yourself it will hurt your recovery.

The only people who can't seem to get clean, according to Bill W., are those who are constitutionally unable to get honest with themselves. Sometimes getting honest is the hardest part of the process for some people. I'm not judging, but it does sound fishy the way you put it. I mean, most of us on here lied to everyone pretty much in our active addiction, so nobody will be surprised or upset with you if you weren't totally honest with your hubby. But just for today, just for you, what is really going on? If you only have one hour clean, then that's cool with me. If you only have the desire, that's cool, too. That's enough to start with. But you gotta get honest, babe. I don't know about you, but I could never get off of anything by tapering...just never could get below 40 mg for some reason...


Love,
KJ

serenityqueen

First of all, I feel like you need to realize that each and every one of us lied to our families and friends. I'm saying this so you understand that you are, by far, not the only one who has issues with families not trusting us when we first get clean . . . and our families not believing that we ARE clean. But honestly, can you blame them? How many times have we lied to them, saying that we aren't high, that they need to trust us and all along it was just to cover up what was really going on.

Quote:

I am thankful that I only used for the amount of time I did. I am thankful that I never got beyond pills or beyond 100mg a day.

For some reason, I kept reading this sentence over and over again. Do you really believe that you are an addict? I feel like you are trying to minimize your addiction. I don't understand what you meant by being thankful it never got beyond pills. Pills kill people, Honey! My DOC was pills, but my addiction is no less than if I were shooting Heroin or Cocaine. I'm really confused by this.

Also, what does not going beyond 100 mgs have to do with anything? I've seen you post this 100 mg thing before. I've always wondered why people think that the mg of a drug is relative to the strength of the drug. There's Motrin 800mg, then there's Morphine 8 mg. The Morphine 8 mg is by far a great deal stronger than the Motrin 800.

Nallabelle, I don't want you to think that I am picking on you or anything. I've just read several of your posts and I feel like you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, admit that you are an addict, and just because you didn't use anything other than pills or more than 100 mg, your disease is just as serious as someone who shoots Heroin. As far as your family believing in you again and trusting you, that's going to take time. I will never forget when I told everyone in July of 2005 that I was done, I will never use again. You can imagine how I felt when every single person just said things like, "Yeah, right, I've heard this so many times before. I'll believe it when I see it." Actions speak louder than words. I can see where your husband doesn't believe that the $20 was for an old drug debt. If you felt so strongly about paying this person back, you need to be honest with your husband before you lie to him again.

I really do hope that you are clean and begin to work a Program so you don't pick up again. My son was born addicted to "just pills" and trust me, you never, ever want to see a tiny baby go through that hell ever! Talk about having guilt and shame.

If you aren't already going to Meetings, I highly encourage you to. I truly believe that while addicts can stop using and not pick up without support systems, I don't feel they/we can move into Recovery until we begin to deal with our issues.

God Bless,
Judy

Tish28

Hi Sweetie. How are you doing?
I used to spend, spend, spend - it was just to compensate for the void that was left in my life. I used to pop pills for this reason also.
You say that you have stopped, which is brilliant. Now you need to move on, but that you know.
Your parents love you, they may be wary but they love you. You can prove that you have stopped- day by day. You must prove it to yourself though first. Don't worry about the outer factors too much.
Take things step by step and get as much help as you can. How old are your children? Can you get out to go to meetings? Have you admitted to yourself that you are an addict and have no control, that your life has become unmanageable?
My life was completely unmanageable and I lost everything that I cared about.
You don't have to.Following the 12 steps is a good guide.
Love to you. I'm thinking about you.
Ingrid xxx

Tish28

P.S. Whisperkissed has a good thread - "OK for myself today"

Stagebear

Lesley:
I just saw this now. Please let us know how things go today. Hang on...it gets better.

I understand the posts asking about your acceptance of addiction. Think about what you've written in other threads. You're at a turning point.

I'm around all day.

Impurrfect

((Nallabelle)))

I'm sorry about all that you're going through with your family, the physiscal stuff, but yes, this all will pass. I have no idea about the relationship with your husband...only time will tell.

Recovery takes work. We have to stay on our toes, and not get complacent. The day we think we've "got this addiction thing licked", is they day we're in serious trouble. That's why it's really important to build a strong foundation from the start.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Nallabelle

Hey everyone,
Thanks for your posts. I am clean now 100%. I feel good about that. I can see why KJ would have doubts but I am telling the truth. Its over and I am not using. I think the only reason I was successfull with tapering is because I had to be. I absolutely had to quit. I had no choice. My access to money was completely taken away and my husband cut up my debit card. For almost 3 weeks I battled with myself... a tug of war so to speak. I would wake up and beg to take more but knew that if I did i would be screwing myself for the next day. Everyone thought I quit. I had to taper off. Believe me the w/d was still their while tapering. I fought my inner self not to use and finally the other day, I won.
I guess the reason why I said I am thankful to have only used a max of 10 pills a day and ONLY pills is because prior to writing that post I had been crying all day about my husband and the reality of my life. I needed something to be appreciative of. My access to heroin was there and I never took it. i certianly do not make light of my addiction but I do think heroin would have been worse and my addiction never escalated to that.
I am though, worried about now. I am not worried about using right now because that isnt an option. Maybe tomorrow I will have cravings I dont really know. I am worried about my life and what I am going to do with myself. I am just lost and worried. I have to go to an NA meeting for sure.

change4penny

nalla
Girl...I can relate...My husband did all the things your husband is doing. He opened his own checking account, and totally cut me off. But, he had good reason, I mean, I was spending every dime on pills/coke. I lied so much about paying bills, (didn't), buying groceries, (didn't), etc. I'm shy of 6 months clean, and he still don't trust me 100%. He's been out of town now for about 6 weeks and I've had to get his paychecks, so thats a big step in the trust dept. for him...and for me!
What I'm saying is, your husband and family will come around, it's just gonna take time.
You keep doing what you're doing and you'll get there...I promise.
:ghug3

Stagebear

As we "discussed", it's about actions, not words. This dust can settle if you stay clean. Does J know about the Klonopin? If not, tell him before he sees them.
They need to go ASAP, L, they really do.
You know I'm around. You have an option.

Stagebear

So...how's that Starbucks?


Glad to talk with you. Do yourself a favor, take those two small steps we talked about...it will be well worth the perceived effort. And let everyone know how it worked for you. You've shared your struggle well. Now you can begin to let everyone know what action you're taking.

(Also, it's kind of a commitment thing. Once I've commmited to do something to a group of people...or even one bear...I'm more likely to follow through.)

And don't sweat the scratched floor. If hubby is upset about it, we'll know one thing...at least we'll know he's home.

kj3880

L,
Did you get to a meeting yet? I think it's great that you stopped taking the pills through tapering. You are a stronger gal than I am. I was never successful until I used suboxone to get off of the oxy. And I only ever had a 40mg a day habit. But it kicked my butt thoroughly. I felt like 5 kinds of sh!t when I didn't take it every day. I sure don't miss it.

Do you have a sponsor you can really talk to? Someone you can tell the whole story to? That is key, there is some stuff we just can't talk to people who aren't addicts about, 'cause they won't get it. That doesn't give us an excuse to lie, I'm not saying that, just that when we have a craving, we usually can't talk to our non-addict relatives because it either scares them, or they think we are saying it to try to manipulate them. So you need a sponsor.

And L? Never worry about what I think if you are telling the truth. Recovery is all about you! Good job getting off of those pain pills, they are the devil, aren't they?

Love,
KJ

Nallabelle

I cant believe I did it. I mean the whole time was a miserable struggle but those last 3 weeks of fighting with myself were really the worst. I dont have a sponser yet. My mom is coming home in a little while from babysitting my brothers kids. Im going to have her watch my kids so I can go to the meeting. Depending on when she can get here, I might have to go to the 6pm meeting. There are a lot of meetings in Charlotte.
I feel better today than yesterday so I know I am moving in the right direction. I havent had any cravings really. I mean Ive thought about pills but not really about going and getting them. I hope it gets easier every day.

Tish28

Hi Nalla. How did your meeting go? you are doing well. Wow, no cravings!!

HelenaBama

I hope it gets easier and easier for you.

Back last July, I could not have imagined the pill-free life and all its benefits.

Now, I live it.

For the very first time today, I broke down in front of my husband and admitted what a horrible addiction I'd had. He is normally a horrible person, but even HE saw how the past bothered me. I do not love or trust him, but it was good to be acknowledged for the truth.

Lily

Nalla,

How did your meeting go? Did you make one? We are all praying and pulling for you, we have been there! Blessings, Sheila

klopper22

I am 10 days off OC. I was taking 120mg a day. Leading up to that last day, my wife had told me several times she would have left me if we had the money. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't hold it against her if she had. I understood...her own survival was at stake. I hated that I had become the one that hurt her when all I wanted to do was heal her, the one who made her cry when I wanted to wipe her tears away, the one that made her run away when all I wanted was for her to trust me enough to run to me.

This, after us going through the same thing with alcohol about 8 years earlier.

It is so, so hard I know. You can live your desires though. Just don't ever stop believing that. Some of the choices you make at this point are choices which some of the people in your life are too scared or worn out to make for themselves. We as recovering addicts have to remember we are choosing for more than just us, for that day. It WILL affect our future with those people positively or negatively. If you want them to believe you, YOU have to believe yourself first. Otherwise it's the tail wagging the dog.


Peace to you and may you have all that God is able to give you.

Missybuns

hi Nalla...good to hear you are planning to make meetings. The NA Basic Text helped me a lot before I got a sponsor. It gave me something to identify with until I could get phone numbers and a sponsor. If you aren't sharing in meetings this early on, then having/reading the Basic Text is a way to relate and stay connected to recovery.

Reading the literature made me feel like I knew what was going on. I felt better feeling a connection like that. It's a very helpful book.

Best wishes and let us know how it's going

Sincerely,
Missy

Nallabelle

Thats everyone for your thoughtfulness.
I went to a meeting last night. It was nice I guess. Didnt talk to anyone but it was cool just to listen.