I am 10 days off OC. I was taking 120mg a day. Leading up to that last day, my wife had told me several times she would have left me if we had the money. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't hold it against her if she had. I understood...her own survival was at stake. I hated that I had become the one that hurt her when all I wanted to do was heal her, the one who made her cry when I wanted to wipe her tears away, the one that made her run away when all I wanted was for her to trust me enough to run to me.
This, after us going through the same thing with alcohol about 8 years earlier.
It is so, so hard I know. You can live your desires though. Just don't ever stop believing that. Some of the choices you make at this point are choices which some of the people in your life are too scared or worn out to make for themselves. We as recovering addicts have to remember we are choosing for more than just us, for that day. It WILL affect our future with those people positively or negatively. If you want them to believe you, YOU have to believe yourself first. Otherwise it's the tail wagging the dog.
Peace to you and may you have all that God is able to give you.