Just cause im clean doesnt mean im happy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Just cause im clean doesnt mean im happy
I'm Tom and I'm kinda new here.I'v been clean for almost a year.I am 44 yo and I still have parent problems.My dad is a very angry man. Last time we saw him he took a swack at my then 2yo son.It was like it was alright to beat the **** out of me but not my kid.So I have kept my distance for the last 9 years. My brother called me last night and said Dad has mrsa virus eating away at his shoulder that he had replaced 2 yrs ago.The synthedic shoulder rejected and his arm just hangs.And by the way he has lung cancer bad and is probably going to die.I just dont know what to feel. I HATE him for wrecking my childhood and I HATE him for draging me out of bed by my hair when I was 10 in the middle of the night and beating the st!t out of me .I could sit here and trash him all day long.Now how do I feel about a pathedic old man who I really dont like He has some responcibity for the emotional mess i am today.I want to rool up in a fetal position and cry
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Hi, Tom.
I had a pretty rough relationship with my father, too. Even after I had my recovery feet under me, I had trouble being in the same room with him for more than fifteen minutes. He was dry (24 years), but he wasn't sober, not by my definition of sober.
His health was never good, but we used to say, "He's too stubborn to die." Wouldn't see doctors, wouldn't do anything good for his body--just bitch, bitch, bitch.
I got a series of calls from my mother in June of '06. She wanted me to come bully him into going to the hospital. I kept refusing (we'd done that dance before), and finally, something in her voice or in my heart told me I needed to go. He died less than a month later.
I'm not a big waver of the flag of filial piety by any stretch, but I'm glad I was there. I spent most of that last month by his side, praying for patience when he was too much for any one human being to handle. I found forgiveness for him, and though I didn't think I needed it, I found he was able to forgive me for a lot, too.
I'm not telling you what to do or even suggesting that you should go to him. That's up to you. When I asked for guidance from my friends in recovery, those I knew to be walking the spiritual path, the primary suggestion I received (or, at least, the one I felt I could follow) was "Do what you can live with."
So, do what you can live with, Tom. And that's between you and the god of your understanding.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I had a pretty rough relationship with my father, too. Even after I had my recovery feet under me, I had trouble being in the same room with him for more than fifteen minutes. He was dry (24 years), but he wasn't sober, not by my definition of sober.
His health was never good, but we used to say, "He's too stubborn to die." Wouldn't see doctors, wouldn't do anything good for his body--just bitch, bitch, bitch.
I got a series of calls from my mother in June of '06. She wanted me to come bully him into going to the hospital. I kept refusing (we'd done that dance before), and finally, something in her voice or in my heart told me I needed to go. He died less than a month later.
I'm not a big waver of the flag of filial piety by any stretch, but I'm glad I was there. I spent most of that last month by his side, praying for patience when he was too much for any one human being to handle. I found forgiveness for him, and though I didn't think I needed it, I found he was able to forgive me for a lot, too.
I'm not telling you what to do or even suggesting that you should go to him. That's up to you. When I asked for guidance from my friends in recovery, those I knew to be walking the spiritual path, the primary suggestion I received (or, at least, the one I felt I could follow) was "Do what you can live with."
So, do what you can live with, Tom. And that's between you and the god of your understanding.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Friend
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: East Coast, Killa
Posts: 372
Hi Tom =) I'm sorry that you are going through these issues w/your family...IMO this can be the most difficult part of sobriety. That fact that we can turn our lives around, change our behaviors, change all the old negative habits...but some situations...and many times they are family matters...we just can't seem to fix. I know that can be a very helpless and lonely feeling - and now you're actually realizing and dealing with these feelings, not just covering them up with drugs/alcohol. The most important thing is to take care of YOU first - that is what I've found. You are sober...sure you're not always going to be happy or satisfied w/everything in your life...but if you have the foundation of Recovery and Sobriety under your feet, what you build on top of that doesn't have to always be perfect...and it won't always be.
It sounds like you have a lot of pent up feelings of anger, hurt and sadness towards your father...and rightly so. You are always entitled those feelings...and unfortunately, some things can never be completely rectified...b/c they are too hurtful or b/c the issues were never addressed. The important thing here though, Tom, is you. You need to make your peace...whatever that means for you. Whether you decide not to see your dad...or decide to see him, or even help him. Whether you never speak to him again, you ask for his explanation or apology, or you decide to let him know you need to forgive him in order to let go and move forward positively in your life....it's all your decision.
Whatever you need to do to make things right in your head and heart, so that you can move forward, that's what you'll do...and you have no obligation to justify your actions to anyone but yourself. What matters is that you live a life filled with steps forward, and free from the chains of drug and alcohol abuse. It won't always be pretty or perfect, but you have the tools you need to get through this. It's okay to cry sometimes, and it IS okay to break down...you should just get it out. Holding your feelings in is as toxic as using IMHO. I know you'll get through this...think about it this way: grieve for the things you feel your dad stole from you but then take responsibility. Your father had an impact on your life, but now take accountability for your future and how you plan to change your negative thinking about the situation. Your dad may not have passed away, but it's almost the same thing... grieve for the relationship you did not have, the innocence that may have been lost and the things you feel you never had from your father that you longed for...so that you can let go.
It sounds like you have a lot of pent up feelings of anger, hurt and sadness towards your father...and rightly so. You are always entitled those feelings...and unfortunately, some things can never be completely rectified...b/c they are too hurtful or b/c the issues were never addressed. The important thing here though, Tom, is you. You need to make your peace...whatever that means for you. Whether you decide not to see your dad...or decide to see him, or even help him. Whether you never speak to him again, you ask for his explanation or apology, or you decide to let him know you need to forgive him in order to let go and move forward positively in your life....it's all your decision.
Whatever you need to do to make things right in your head and heart, so that you can move forward, that's what you'll do...and you have no obligation to justify your actions to anyone but yourself. What matters is that you live a life filled with steps forward, and free from the chains of drug and alcohol abuse. It won't always be pretty or perfect, but you have the tools you need to get through this. It's okay to cry sometimes, and it IS okay to break down...you should just get it out. Holding your feelings in is as toxic as using IMHO. I know you'll get through this...think about it this way: grieve for the things you feel your dad stole from you but then take responsibility. Your father had an impact on your life, but now take accountability for your future and how you plan to change your negative thinking about the situation. Your dad may not have passed away, but it's almost the same thing... grieve for the relationship you did not have, the innocence that may have been lost and the things you feel you never had from your father that you longed for...so that you can let go.
Now with fewer opiates!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southern New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,405
While my dad never hit us, he was an active alcoholic most of my life. I had many, many resentments including that he ended up with one half a leg and the other gone, from drinking and smoking and taking poor care of himself. He was a pathetic invalid at 64 when he died.
Throughout my life he was an ineffective parent. Today I can look back and guess at his issues and accept him as a fellow adult.
I was there as he died, it was a pretty long process. He tried to make amends, as he understood them (he was not in recovery...he just couldn't get to booze or cigs).
Having been there then made it easier to accept him todday.
Again, Do what you can live with, as Sugah said.
Thinking of you,
Throughout my life he was an ineffective parent. Today I can look back and guess at his issues and accept him as a fellow adult.
I was there as he died, it was a pretty long process. He tried to make amends, as he understood them (he was not in recovery...he just couldn't get to booze or cigs).
Having been there then made it easier to accept him todday.
Again, Do what you can live with, as Sugah said.
Thinking of you,
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
Your dad sounds like mine and I would never trust him alone with my kids for the same reason.
I don't know ... I would try to imagine what it would be like to go to his funeral. If you can see yourself having regrets for not having made some contact (even if it is only a letter) after he has died, then I suggest you make that contact. It would help your sobriety not to have any regrets like that, I think.
I've actually done something similar with my ex b/f who is dying of alcoholism. I wrote him a card, just to say hi, how you doing. We spoke on the phone today, I even spoke to his wife, and me and my daughter will go visit them tomorrow.
I always thought I would spit on his grave, but when I found out he was ill, and imagined the funeral and walking past his coffin, my feelings were so different. I feel like we've made our peace; it's selfish, but I feel better now! Which is good for staying sober!
Whatever you do, as long as you can live with it is all that matters.
I don't know ... I would try to imagine what it would be like to go to his funeral. If you can see yourself having regrets for not having made some contact (even if it is only a letter) after he has died, then I suggest you make that contact. It would help your sobriety not to have any regrets like that, I think.
I've actually done something similar with my ex b/f who is dying of alcoholism. I wrote him a card, just to say hi, how you doing. We spoke on the phone today, I even spoke to his wife, and me and my daughter will go visit them tomorrow.
I always thought I would spit on his grave, but when I found out he was ill, and imagined the funeral and walking past his coffin, my feelings were so different. I feel like we've made our peace; it's selfish, but I feel better now! Which is good for staying sober!
Whatever you do, as long as you can live with it is all that matters.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 69
My dad was just like yours and now he is dead. No one saved my sisters while being molested or my brothers being beaten. Well, no one could save him from the cancer he got so honestly it was thereaputic to watch him die.
He died a while after at least I "forgave" him in some fashion. But damn, it was icing on the cake to have the premier force of evil in my life from the time of being a very small child GONE, GONE, GONE. It gave me assurance like whan a good parent looks under a kid's bed with them and points out that there is no monster under there.
He died a while after at least I "forgave" him in some fashion. But damn, it was icing on the cake to have the premier force of evil in my life from the time of being a very small child GONE, GONE, GONE. It gave me assurance like whan a good parent looks under a kid's bed with them and points out that there is no monster under there.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Sorry to hear that story, Tom.
Clean/sober time definitely does NOT equal 'recovery'.
I found a lot of answers in the study of the 12 steps. Answers to 'life problems'.
I always thought that just staying clean & sober was enough... I was wrong.
Clean/sober time definitely does NOT equal 'recovery'.
I found a lot of answers in the study of the 12 steps. Answers to 'life problems'.
I always thought that just staying clean & sober was enough... I was wrong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
It sounds like you have a lot of pent up feelings of anger, hurt and sadness towards your father...and rightly so. You are always entitled those feelings...and unfortunately, some things can never be completely rectified...b/c they are too hurtful or b/c the issues were never addressed. The important thing here though, Tom, is you. You need to make your peace...whatever that means for you. Whether you decide not to see your dad...or decide to see him, or even help him. Whether you never speak to him again, you ask for his explanation or apology, or you decide to let him know you need to forgive him in order to let go and move forward positively in your life....it's all your decision.
I tried to out an out forgive him for everything when I initially got sober in 1989 clean slate. I ment it too however that was before I met my wife got married and had a child.While I got better worked a good and rigerous program.He stayed himself angry mean and confrontational.Then there was the Christmas he broke the dogs collerbone.This scared my wife to where there was no going back.We never went back to the house.Then there was the time at the church when he took a swak at my son that was it.Now the man who wa my monster who I hid from in the closet.He has one leg that is shorter that the other so I learned at an early age down hill was the way to go.How f up is it that 40years later you always have a planned way out with a down hill
I tried to out an out forgive him for everything when I initially got sober in 1989 clean slate. I ment it too however that was before I met my wife got married and had a child.While I got better worked a good and rigerous program.He stayed himself angry mean and confrontational.Then there was the Christmas he broke the dogs collerbone.This scared my wife to where there was no going back.We never went back to the house.Then there was the time at the church when he took a swak at my son that was it.Now the man who wa my monster who I hid from in the closet.He has one leg that is shorter that the other so I learned at an early age down hill was the way to go.How f up is it that 40years later you always have a planned way out with a down hill
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,242
Its amazing how I dont have to feel
alone with this situation either. Im
glad u posted.
I could trash my mom as well for
destroying myself esteem and
handed me the gift of fear.
Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like u here in SR I havent found it
necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and u I am truely grateful.
Years later and sober I still dont
have that close mother daughter
relationship....
Both my parents r much older now
and ive gone thru many changes
in recovery that they r not aware
of.
I left home at 18, mature and
independant. Had a job, marrige,
kids, relocations and back home
again.
I endured verbal and physical
abuse at the hands of my mom,
who had the Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde
personality. No one knew how
much of a monster she was
except the family behind the
walls. The disfunction, the abuse
only i would sustain....
I swore when i left home that
she would never raise her hand
to me ever again nor tell me
what to do. She also told me
early on to stay away from my
dad because he was hers.
No father daughter relationship
either. Sad to say because i admired
him as a awesome dad who never
steered me wrong.
I kept my kids away from my
parents....only because i
didnt want them to be sub-
jected by her changing moods.
You dont tell ur grandkids to
not touch anything in the house
and to sit in one place.
That was at their house....
So we met at resturants for
holidays and visits.
The other set of grandparents
were very doating....their house
was ours...
Anyway...i had to forgive the
abuse and remember she was
sick in her own way. My parents
did the best they could with what
they had.....
To forgive but not to forget....I
had to take care of me and my
recovery so as suggested I followed,
I was able to move pass that crap
in my life and remain sober today.
One thing to remember.....to not
repeat the same abuse to ur own kids
like urs did to u.....break the chain now
before its to late.....
The chain i broke of abuse and thus
was blessed with awesome loving
kids but sad that i dont have a close
relationship with them as a mom should
be.....i am like my mom in some ways.
Thanks for letting me share.
alone with this situation either. Im
glad u posted.
I could trash my mom as well for
destroying myself esteem and
handed me the gift of fear.
Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like u here in SR I havent found it
necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and u I am truely grateful.
Years later and sober I still dont
have that close mother daughter
relationship....
Both my parents r much older now
and ive gone thru many changes
in recovery that they r not aware
of.
I left home at 18, mature and
independant. Had a job, marrige,
kids, relocations and back home
again.
I endured verbal and physical
abuse at the hands of my mom,
who had the Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde
personality. No one knew how
much of a monster she was
except the family behind the
walls. The disfunction, the abuse
only i would sustain....
I swore when i left home that
she would never raise her hand
to me ever again nor tell me
what to do. She also told me
early on to stay away from my
dad because he was hers.
No father daughter relationship
either. Sad to say because i admired
him as a awesome dad who never
steered me wrong.
I kept my kids away from my
parents....only because i
didnt want them to be sub-
jected by her changing moods.
You dont tell ur grandkids to
not touch anything in the house
and to sit in one place.
That was at their house....
So we met at resturants for
holidays and visits.
The other set of grandparents
were very doating....their house
was ours...
Anyway...i had to forgive the
abuse and remember she was
sick in her own way. My parents
did the best they could with what
they had.....
To forgive but not to forget....I
had to take care of me and my
recovery so as suggested I followed,
I was able to move pass that crap
in my life and remain sober today.
One thing to remember.....to not
repeat the same abuse to ur own kids
like urs did to u.....break the chain now
before its to late.....
The chain i broke of abuse and thus
was blessed with awesome loving
kids but sad that i dont have a close
relationship with them as a mom should
be.....i am like my mom in some ways.
Thanks for letting me share.
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Ya know I am not always so dang joyous myself...but since I am clean I do have MOMENTS sometimes of incredible ..uh...I dunno...maybe it is JOY...just moments maybe but it sure beats the crap I got when I was using.
We don't have to be the victims of ABUSE TODAY...maybe that was yesterday.....but recovery allows us to forgive and get our OWN lives...not the crap people did to us growing up...
Keep truckin...you are on your way to freedom if you work a program of recovery!!!
love north
We don't have to be the victims of ABUSE TODAY...maybe that was yesterday.....but recovery allows us to forgive and get our OWN lives...not the crap people did to us growing up...
Keep truckin...you are on your way to freedom if you work a program of recovery!!!
love north
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