sodetermined

My girlfriend from Kentucky was up this weekend. We went up to the local bar in my town.

Chris came in the bar. I had received 2 more hangup calls that night before we left. I had a feeling he would come in there. I know it was him calling and hanging up. He bought us drinks, and asked us to come and sit with him. I said no, but the more I drank...the more I let my defenses down and my emotions get the best of me. I should have left as soon as he got there. I didn't. We went to sit over there by him and friends. We hung out all night, I let him come home with me. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

I told him I just wanted to be friends. Who am I kidding? I can't be his friend.

Now we are talking on the phone again. I keep saying friends.

I got this message from him today:

just wanted to say hello and im so happy to be talking to you again it has been way---- to long . being around you made me so happy.i hope you get this and have a beutiful day as you deserve it your something special to me still you know.

Guys I am all messed up again. I know I have a choice here. I don't want to stop talking to him. I also don't want to end up hurt again. WHY CAN'T HE JUST WANT RECOVERY?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He says he can't be with OW. Says she's not me.

I know this is my choice, my recovery. I thought I was doing so well.

GiveLove

You might leave him out of the equation and ask yourself this question. He's an alcoholic. He's doing what alcoholics do. Why can't YOU just want recovery?

You went to a bar where you knew he would probably be. He'd been trying to contact you and you went to a place he'd be able to corner you. You drank a lot so he could easily move in and latch onto your life again....OW kicked him out and he needs a new enabler. You've just volunteered for the job.

When you've suffered enough, you'll change your choices. Maybe you need another dose of his "love" to get it. Read back through your posts. See how he's treated you before. Do what you want to do, hon--I'm glad you're acknowledging that you are making the choice to suffer again, believe his sweet lies again, and to confuse your child again. What you do next is up to you.

You're a good person. I wish you luck!

tallulah

I think your answer is staring at you. Stand back up... :ghug

sodetermined

I know it's me.

My life. My choices. I do want recovery.

I'm so addicted to him still and I thought I was better.

It's not too late....yet.

No, OW still wants him. He called her, with me sitting right there.

Freedom1990

You're right-it's your choice and your recovery, or non-recovery perhaps.

The events that transpired over the weekend have nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

He isn't your problem. You are your problem, just I was my problem with my own screaming untreated codependency.

When I hurt badly enough, I quit doing the things that hurt me and my daughters/granddaughter.

CNMC2C

sodetermined,

If I posted what you posted this morning....what would you tell me? I'm not being a smarty pants, I'm sincerely wanting to know what advice/direction you would give me if I posted what you posted?

:ghug3

sodetermined

I know it's me guys. I'm not blaming Chris. I'm disappointed in myself. I can no longer blame him, I know better now. Truly, I do.

I know, Anvil, right? Messed up! I'm still so messed up and I thought I had made progress.

CNMC2C, I would tell you it's not too late and end all contact, or brace yourself for another cycle of this roller coaster ride you're about to get on.

MissFixit

Your alcoholic exbf was at a BAR.

He bought you drinks.

He called the OW.

If your best friend told you this, what would you tell her?

lovtolaff

That pretty much says it all right there.

Your story is exactly why I avoid my x like the plague. I'm talking - taking some serious steps to NOT run into him at any time or place. I KNOW myself well enough to know that I can't even look at him much less talk to him. For me - absolutely NO CONTACT is the ONLY thing that works.

And you are right - it is NOT too late to get away from him NOW. Don't get caught back up in the craziness.

CNMC2C

You have made progress.....instead of jumping right back on that roller coaster flying around the track at 150 miles an hour without your searbelt fastened and disappearing on us b/c you are right back in the midst of the chaos with Chris....you are here...talking your way thru it with people who truly care about you. He is your additiciton, which you are trying to overcome. He is your addiction, like food, cigarettes, and drama are my addicitons. We both know they are bad for us, but sometimes slip up and just say to heck with it....but we both have to pick ourselves back up and jump back up on that recovery road and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Everytime I slip up, I keep repeating to myself....Nothing changes if nothing changes....and I figure out what I am going to do to change my slip up for the positive. Take Care...

kj3880

What are you willing to do for your recovery? That is what they ask drug addicts when we come in to treatment, and that is what I'm asking you. You have to be willing to change...patterns, behavior, habits. And you have to be willing to cut ties with people who use you and who keep you sick. Just as drug addicts do. Are you willing to give this man up so that you can be healthy and have a happy life? What about so your daughter can have a healthy Mom and a happy life? Have you prayed on this?

KJ

tallulah

I gave up smoking on New Years Eve. When I came out of my first meeting three weeks ago I practically smoked a pack of 10 straight because I was a wrung out wreck. I picked up a familiar crutch and had a little hobble with it.

Did I start smoking again? No. I wobbled. I got back up, brushed myself off, carried on and didn't look back.

Have I fallen again since. Yeah (it's Al-Anon meetings what can I say lol). But do I make a permanent reach for the crutch? No.

I'm not perfect, I'm a work in progress. Just like you. You stumbled. You don't have to stay down.

TakingCharge999

lovtolaff, I am right there with you, "like the plague" haha I always laugh at that.
whenever i know i may run into him I wear my glasses. not even eye contact. it helps a lot. and i look like a diva
the other day i ran into him and i kept my cool. as if no one was there. helps a lot!
you are on your way sodetermined, don't beat yourself up, just learn from it and do it different next time

sailorjohn

Well, I don't consider myself dumb, but I have made some very bad choices in the past, first was making that first bad choice, either initiating contact or encouraging the A that was in my life to contact me.

I try to remember the AA saying when they talk about an alcoholic taking that first drink, "It isn't the caboose of the train that kills you"

For me, that first contact is what sets the thing in motion, for today, I'm choosing to avoid that first contact, and so far it's working pretty well.

Ago

Before I got into recovery I was ALWAYS saying, "I will never do this again!!!"

Usually I did whatever it was I swore off that day

After many years of this behavior I finally learned to say to myself, "I may not be done with this yet."

Somehow, that slight shift helped immensely, I stopped beating myself up, and was able to look at what it was I doing to myself that was harmful in a different, more objective light.

By doing that, and forgiving myself, somehow that facilitated the process for ending that behavior.

You will stop going back when you are "done", either when it becomes so painful for you can't do it any more, or when your recovery evolves enough so he ceases to be attractive.

The choice is always mine, seek recovery and actually take action and find my own way out in a less painful way and evolve in such a way that it's no longer attractive to me to keep hurting myself, or choose to just keep repeating my behavior until I reach a "bottom", until it's so painful I can't go on any more.

It takes what it takes, but I get to decide what it takes, and I get to decide what action to take in order to facilitate that process.

Do I go to the bar looking for him or do I go elsewhere and seek recovery.

Up to you, but if I keep doing what I am doing, I keep getting what I'm getting, it's up to me if I want in my life what I have been getting.

Sometimes I take stuff all the way to "The Bottom", sometimes I choose to get off the elevator, but it's never not my choice.

TakingCharge999

I have avoided bars because I know chances are I will run into him, however I feel I am missing my fun. Isn't NOT going to bars because "HE" may be there, keep being controlled by the other person?

To me sodetermined can go to any bar she likes with whom she likes, the "only" problem is to keep engaging with this person.

For me though I could not do it so perhaps after I am further ahead in recovery I may be able to go anywhere without "danger", for now its better to avoid those places while I am still very vulnerable. I imagine him with the NW and the bars do not seem attractive at all. I hope someday I don't care anymore and can live my life without wondering.

Sorting this one out myself ((((sodetermined)))))

sodetermined

I know how sick this all is.

I mean, there is a big part of me that was hoping he would be there, and get to see me because I looked so good....I felt good. I felt good about myself, and I wanted him to see that. I thought that I would be able to handle being his friend, but it was all with the intent of showing him what he's missing out on. I really thought we could be friends.

But I can't/couldn't handle it. I mean as soon as he walked in, I lost all senses. I wanted him right then. The chemistry between us has always been amazing...but see I'm focusing on that and not remembering when he was living with me and such an ass I didn't even want to kiss him. But all this distance between us has helped me to become detached from him...meaning, him up there, drinking at the bar...why should I care? We're not together. I found great pleasure in knowing he came in there to see me. He knew I would be there, just as I was sure he would be.

He was flaunting himself around and so was I, and each of us knew what we were doing. All I know is when I watched him play pool....and after a few beers, I could care less about anything but being with him that night.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I take responsibility for my choices right now. And that is frustrating, because I know if I give him the chance, he will hurt me again, then I will be so mad at myself.

What a mind f---.

Help me God.

MissFixit

I agree. Hormones. Whenver I felt that "WANT," and separated that from the person (either I barely knew them or we had a previous rocky relationship), there was no positive substance there.

lovtolaff

I hope that for myself too. I still have moments where I'm thinking about him and what he's doing...and honestly, I look forward, even yearn for, the day that I'm NOT doing that.

Yep...me too.

This is the EXACT reason I HAVE to follow strict NO CONTACT. I'd like to think I was strong enough to walk away but I'm not totally confident in that...yet. And putting myself where he "could be" or "probably is", in the end, actually only hurts me and puts me a couple of steps back in my recovery. That's just me though.

For me I have to tell myself often to PLAY THE TAPE ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

Barbara52

Okie dokie. You have discovered you are human, that you easily fall back into patterns you know to be self destructive, that you made a mistake.

So, use this knowledge! Figure yourself out and begin to make steps that will help you not make the same mistakes again. Forgive yourself and get right back on your own journey to recovery. Try more AlAnon meetings. Try intense therapy. Read and reread the books you find ost helpful. Try whatever you can to continue down the road you want to travel.