ruthy

Hi, I'm Ruthy. I've never even been on any sort of chat line so I'm not sure what to do or expect. I need some help. My 25 year old daughter checked herself in to a rehab center 8 days ago. That in it's self is a huge step and I'm really proud of her for that. I feel so bad for sayoing this but, I don't trust her and I'm afraid to have hope that she will get better. For the past 8 years or so my family and I have gone thru so much and I don't really know how to handle this. I would be so greatful for some advise. She just called and asked that her Dad and I each write an impact letter. First of all I don't completely understand exactly what that is and second, she said I should address it to her personally. Here comes the trust issue, how do I know that her counselor will even see it if I send it directly to her?

Pelican

Hi Ruthy,

I do not have any experience to share with you on this situation. Just wanted to welcome you to SR! Read and post as much as you need.

Someone with experience will be along to share with you.

Welcome!

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Ruthy! You will find lots of very kind people here with much support. I would suggest that you call the rehab center yourself and ask about this impact letter. They can give you all the information you should need and then you will feel much better about doing it. Just a suggestion.

atalose

Ruthy,

Welcome, a lot of great people here who can answer your question a lot better then I but I think the impact letter is to be written to your daughter about how her alcohol/drug use affected YOUR life and your husbands life.

I’m sure her counselor will go over those letters with her in discussions.

Luka3

Hi Ruthy,

Welcome.

You are not awful for not trusting your daughter. This is a sort of wisdom that comes from dealing with an addict time and again whose addiction makes them deceitful or manipulative.

You are wise to question the impact statement. When my father was in rehab once he asked me to fill out a questionnaire for him with the "right" answers so he could be discharged sooner (or so he thought).

We have to take care of ourselves and if that means we need to be on guard so we don't get duped so be it.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

laurie6781

(((((ruthy)))))

Welcome to SR. You have found a great place.

Well since you have turst issues with her, which is totally understandable. write the letter, send it to her, and 'cc' her counselor (it's real easy to print a second copy from your puter these days, lol)

That way she gets her copy, and the counselor also gets a copy.

Impact letter is just that, what 'impact' her addiction has had on you. ie sleepless nights, stress, etc and the same for your hubby.

Just a thought.

Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

ruthy

Thank you so much all of you. I will write the letter and I will also call the center to make sure it will be looked at by her counselor. I hope I will be able to talk to this person as my daughter did not list me as someone that they could share what was happening with. I'm just her emergency contact. I've been so afraid of her reactions for so long that I guess I worry I am doing this wrong too. I feel like such a weak little child and I hate it. So tired of feeling this way.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

SonofaMess

the impact letter should be a letter as explained a few posts up, one that you write to tell her how her abuse has affected you and perhaps some things you want to work on with her and how you would like to help her anyway you can.

From personal experience I have found most people in rehab whether it be in patient or out patient tend to respond better to family and friends when they aren't very aggressive or overly nosey. Being interested is good but she is going to need some space.

Giving her trust is hard but very often addicts and alcoholics are very very very quick to shut down if they don't believe someone they want to trust them actually is.

Theres no guarantees but give her some of her own time to heal and let her keep coming to you when she feels she needs to while shes in rehab.

Good luck I hope things get better.

Lilyflower

It is vitally important for the addict AND the friends/family (f/f) that this help does not cross into enabling. Much of what the addict must do to reach and maintain a successful sobriety has to come from themselves and themselves ALONE. Sobriety belongs to the addict and no one else, therefore it is no one else's responsibility to help maintain it.

Yes, this may be true, but at the same time, an addict must accept that there is going to be alot of this coming there way. The f/f as a whole has been through a lot and it takes alot for the whole f/f to get better. I don't agree that the f/f needs to be sensitive to the A/RA at the expense of the hurt the f/f justifiably feels. This should be addressed as this facility seems to be doing via this impact letter, and I assume within the steps of AA.

Again, this should be expected by the A. You cannot abuse people's trust continuously for years and expect it to be just given to you because you have gone through rehab and are in recovery. Trust has to be earned back, the f/f have to gaurd their own serenity through their own recovery work and learn not to allow themselves to be dragged through the mill over and over again. As you say there are no gaurantees and people have the right to protect themselves against pain.

JMO

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ruthy

Wow, thank you. I think it is making more sense to me. I will be as honest as I can possibly be. I need to learn how to say what she has done to me and not worry about how she will react. As long as I am honest I have nothing to feel guilty about. Right?

Lilyflower

I think it is important to be honest, and say what you need to say speaking from the 'I', and avoid any 'you' statements. I.e. say how 'when you are drinking I feel ----', and avoid the 'to make things better you need to ----'. Try to speak without judgement, blame or hostility.

You will feel anger about things and you can even say 'I feel angry', but shaming/blaming/holding a grudge and judging are IMO not healthy communication and will not assist in the healing process between you both, which I think Sonofamess was trying to communicate in his post.

Let go of the outcome of her recovery attempt it is out of your control anyway. Read Ago's post on the 3C's and a brilliant book called Codependent no more by Melody Beattie.

Good luck to you Ruth

Just to add - I think if you communicate in this way you will have no reason to feel guilt. She will be learning how to take responsibility for her feelings and will need to address how your letter makes her feel and accept the things she has done. Healthy productive communication is nothing to be guilty about, only unhealthy ones as I mentioned before, and even then, we can reconcile. Personally I think guilt is a horrible emotion!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx