Bernadette

"I opened the door."

Then you can close it. it is YOUR choice.

Good luck.
peace,
b.

FlwrofFrgttng

I'm glad you posted this. I fell myself and let AH come back here yesterday after I had done soo well and was just starting to really think about some things. I don't know WHY I did this. Already I am suffering for it.

Tally

As soon as I saw your thread title I knew and said outloud "No no no no no!" and then into the thread I came and saw my suspicions were right. I'm sorry you "fell off the wagon" but there's only yourself stopping you getting back on. I hope you can make the right choices both for yourself and your boy.

coyote21

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

You simply haven't had enough yet. He is your drug of choice.

I'm not being a smarty pants

I understand that you are upset, but there is no call for this kind of language.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Bernadette

Sodetermined & Flowrofforgttng:

The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.

peace,
b

TakingCharge999

Today I said goodbye to a friend and will say goodbye to another one in 2 weeks. A neighbor that was close to my familiy died. I will be moving out to yet another place. All day, a specific memory of my exAH before addiction kept me sad.

The lesson of letting go of people, places, ideas, my own old self is a tough lesson to say the least. I am not sure if I will get to the point of being able to let go completely. I am trying to surf through life better and accept the waves as they come. It involves faith for me, and I do not have enough of it - yet.

However just as forgiveness, letting go is a gift for our own selves. Tonight I just accept I miss my ex. I miss who he was more than anyone in my life. I do not know when, if ever, I will stop missing him. Just as I miss a bunch of other people or happier stages in my life.

I am just rambling on, but as I read somewhere "as long as you remember someone, he is not truly gone". The good traits of everybody we have met will stay in our hearts. What I need to let go of - is the hatred, the hurt. It is of no use anymore, it is a weight I am carrying alone.

It just dawned on me I am almost 30. I already lived 1/3rd of my life, or more than that by some odds. Can you imagine. In the blink of an eye, I will be 60, and none of this will matter. Some more years and my life will have passed. That if I am lucky of course as there is no guarantee I will be around next week, or tomorrow for that matter.

I do not want to look back in anger or regret for not living a wonderful sunny day when I had health and youth. Why? Because a drinker drinks. Because someone changed. Because someone decided to build his life without me, and lived his own life as happily as an addict in denial can be...

Codie life is no life at all!!

lexusgirl

Wow Dreamer! Very powerful post! Thank you!

carne

We are all at different stages in our recoveries. I know for myself (AS19) that I will have to go through a few more horrific times before I get to the stage where I have the courage to do what I know I have to do. It is so hard because he is my child and I love him so. I don't castigate myself anymore, I know this is somehow a road that I have to travel down, and each time I get angrier and a bit stronger, and getting closer, and that's ok.

escape artist

can i just ask you, do you not have any new boundaries? i have found when i learned to establish boundaries they protected me greatly as I know how it feels to be so "weak" in certain areas of my life esp. around As. maybe part of having boundaries is it does give us a chance to "grow up" -it also establishes your right to "respect". so like when we have alcoholic and addicted family members, and we still love them, but at times we cannot stand them- until we establish our boundaries which protect us-we may not be able to have any contact with them. why can you not establish boundaries which if he wants to be in your life, may be the catalyst of change. what are your boundaries?

sodetermined

I agree, LG.

sodetermined

I don't know, right now.

I told Chris I wanted time at the beginning of January, b/c at that time I had boundaries, no drinking around me or my son (along with others), but I stuck to them. I was always afraid of sticking to boundaries before, afraid I would lose him. But we were living together, but the more he drank the more he was staying at his mom's and I was starting to realize, this is not what I want for myself or my son.

Well he went back to this other woman that he had been seeing the last time we broke up. So I went no contact. Started to work on me, heal myself and my son.

Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time. I am still talking to Chris, and treading on very dangerous territory. I guess some new boundaries would be a good place to start, at least for now. Boundaries for a friendship? I'm gonna have to work on that.

Freedom1990

What is a 'friendship' with him going to do for you, Wendy?

That man has nothing positive to offer you or your son, nothing.

What messages do you suppose Ryan is getting from you through this can of worms you've opened up again?

Your chances of maintaining a successful 'friendship' with that man are about as slim as me sitting in a room full of meth addicts shooting up and continuing to stay clean.

Get real with yourself.

Are you attending Alanon on a consistent, frequent basis to be around other recovering codependents face to face who can call you on your BS?

tallulah

the most harmful lies are the ones we tell ourselves..

I re-read your posts and (I am sorry if this comes off as blunt believe me it is coming from a good place) you are not being honest with yourself about this guy. You are still there on the string and sometimes even dangling yourself in front of him so he can play with you, your feelings, your life, your self-esteem.

You said yourself you can't be friends with him. And you can't be in a relationship with him. So what does he offer you... pain, hurt, confusion, sadness?

As long as you are there he will keep on doing what he is doing. There is no impetus for change for either of you. Maybe you haven't reached your rock bottom yet. Maybe you need more pain, hurt, confusion and sadness before you do.. I don't know... but it is so painful to read what you are going through and what you are doing.. I can feel it in those snippets of text.. I hope soon you will too.

:ghug

sodetermined

Perhaps you are right.

DeVon, no face to face meetings. I attended 3 al anon meetings though, just felt it wasn't for me. Everyone in there was waves ahead of me.

I have another appointment with a therapist but not until April. The other lady said I wasn't a codie.

That's what I have SR for, to call me on my BS.:ghug

tallulah

sodetermined... I'm not a card carrying codie but everyone has elements (they are what make us human). Trick is to recognise when those natural human responses are amplified into something that is heading down something resembling a codie path.. if that makes sense. You may very well not be a codie but your responses are not those of someone with equilibrium.

Al-Anon and stepping into the room is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Everyone was way ahead of me. They all knew what to do and I just felt bewildered. But it has got better. I've done my 6 meetings (and a few more) and, while there are things I struggle with (higher power and what that means being one) it gets a little easier every time. They say do 6 meetings before you decide it isn't for you. You could try again if you wish.

:ghug3

catlovermi

I would venture to say this is because they kept going back, and did the work.

Their tiny little slogan is the most deceptively packed three words I think I've ever come across in life:

Brutal self-honesty, accountability, going forward in faith when one's self esteem doesn't have any power yet... these are extremely difficult things to actually do.

But we are just like the As, it isn't what we say, it's what we do, that matters, in the end.

You have it in you, or you wouldn't be struggling so hard, right now.

Sending encouragement,
CLMI

Freedom1990

Everyone starts at step 1. People get ahead in their recovery because they work hard on it. I hear excuses.

It's real easy for you to post here, shore up your reserves somewhat, then you disappear for a period of time, come back, and guess what? Same story, different day.

It's a lot harder to walk into a meeting on a consistent basis and be accountable to someone like a sponsor who can help you resolve your issues with self and stop shooting yourself in the foot, and further damaging your child in the process.

My recommendation is to quit stringing this along, let him move back in and engage fully with him until you hurt so badly that you finally get on your knees, ask your higher power for help, and accept you are powerless over alcohol AND the alcoholic.

I'm at a point where it's just too damned painful to read about any more of this. If it was just two sick adults playing, that would be one thing. However, there is a child involved in this mess too.

Good luck.

HoopNinja

This is what finally got me. This is what made my brain say do you want your kids to live the life you lived? Do you want to live like this until you die? (and I turned 50 Monday Dreamer-you are still so young). The answers No and No.

sodetermined--I went down the hormone road with first XAH. It is a hard one to get off sometime. But there is more to life than the rush from good-well you know what I mean. It is just a different kind of high--but it is still an type of addiction. With him I finally cut ALL contact. Never saw him until the day of our divorce. Have not seen him since. Like Dreamer said, I remember the good things about him--but don't let myself go down the hormone road because that is like a junkie thinking about a fix. But I do allow myself to remember the good things about him--but I also remind myself about all the horrrible things because until I got treatment--well I just fell into another marriage and now have an AH (and I am at the point of no return--the hormones won't kick in for him anymore because I decided to turn them off--just like I did with 1st XAH).

Turn back, turn away, look at yourself in the mirror and say I am not going back to that. Try being single again. It is a very freeing experience to be on your own. You may find you like it.

I have not gone to my first AlAnon meeting yet...but I found one near where I work. Hopefully I will get up the nerve to go soon.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all for this thread. It is wonderful to see we are not alone in our journey.
:codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice

Sodetermined, I hope you see yourself honestly and get your needs sorted out. What need do you think Chris covers? What would be a different, non-harmful source to obtain it?

And please remember all the previous hurt he has caused. Why do you think you deserve more of it?

I will ask HP to bring you clarity ((((sodetermined))))

escape artist

it is part of the codependent cycle to want to help, and then when your assistance falls on deaf ears, get angry, yell at them and tell them you have had enough and abandon them.

it is not much help to anyone if that is the cycle we use to supposedly offer our experience, strength and hope.

so when you hear any of that from anyone including yourself, hear it for what it is. even when it is supposed to be from a forum of codependents who want to help. try an al-anon meeting.