What the hell?!?!?!??!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
What the hell?!?!?!??!
I am swinging again.........earlier I caught myself thinking a "point" would really get me out of this funk, made me sick.....head went right to how I could do it get away with it hide it ect......scared the S*H*I*T* right out of me.....told someone earlier about stinking thinkin, was suprised to find that after alomst two years of sobrity I could honestly think about using again......I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TO LOSE...........I guess I am grateful that I have the strength of chareter to hold strong.......I wonder if I will have it on the 25th?
TODAY IS DAY 632
And I cannot believe that I actually still have these thoughts, I guess this is my reach out to the "older" SR people. deos it ever really go away? I mean 15 years down the road am I going to be totally stressing like now and think damn a gram would make everything alright???
I just crawled up into my Edwards lap and cried like a baby and told him what I had been thinking he told me to go take a pill ( it is about 3 hours early) but I havent been taking them( because of the babies) and we havent been getting really restful sleep..........so I did what he has asked and came to talk to you all about my thoughts, is it just because I am stressing because of court and the babies?
Or is it just me?
so confused out here tonight just glad I am not on my own tonight.....maybe I am just needing support I just dont know I am really confused.....
OMG FOR HE LOVE OF EVERYTHING DO NOT TELL ME I NEED A MEETING............they are not a part of my program......SR is my meetings as I have agoraphobia.......lol this should be interesting...........
Love and hugs,
Pamm
TODAY IS DAY 632
And I cannot believe that I actually still have these thoughts, I guess this is my reach out to the "older" SR people. deos it ever really go away? I mean 15 years down the road am I going to be totally stressing like now and think damn a gram would make everything alright???
I just crawled up into my Edwards lap and cried like a baby and told him what I had been thinking he told me to go take a pill ( it is about 3 hours early) but I havent been taking them( because of the babies) and we havent been getting really restful sleep..........so I did what he has asked and came to talk to you all about my thoughts, is it just because I am stressing because of court and the babies?
Or is it just me?
so confused out here tonight just glad I am not on my own tonight.....maybe I am just needing support I just dont know I am really confused.....
OMG FOR HE LOVE OF EVERYTHING DO NOT TELL ME I NEED A MEETING............they are not a part of my program......SR is my meetings as I have agoraphobia.......lol this should be interesting...........
Love and hugs,
Pamm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
pill helpped with the swinging, now I am just anxious, I cant get the thought of those thoughts out of my head.......It totally suprised me I mean yeah before I would think it would be so nice to be o ut of it for a bit, to have the energy and inhabitions as i once had.......but hell to actully THINK about how to get it and do it and hide it and all of that....it totally shocked me....I just dont understand, I am seeing a lot of people falling off or even using or wanting to use again and think omg is this a seasonal thing or enviromental.......but I know that is BS.........I hate being an addict and all of the other messed up things that I am......I pray my daughters will be different
Love and hugs,
Pamm
Love and hugs,
Pamm
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
I don't know if it ever goes away, Pamm. I have been wondering that lately myself. I'm only 5 months in and it still gets to me, that's for sure.
I'm sure a lot of it is the anxiety and the worry that you feel, and the fear of the unknown. But using sure as sh!t won't make any of that any better! And what about those precious babies?! You don't want to do that to them, and you know it.
Hang in there, hon. This too shall pass. :ghug3
I'm sure a lot of it is the anxiety and the worry that you feel, and the fear of the unknown. But using sure as sh!t won't make any of that any better! And what about those precious babies?! You don't want to do that to them, and you know it.
Hang in there, hon. This too shall pass. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Trying
Would never do it to myself again let alone my girls.....I look at my Edward and remember his bags packed and walking out the door.....yeah trust me I know I woldnt do it again, but at the same time I want to say right now......it really is messing with me............made an appointment with the shrink today........gotta get this stinking thinking gone!!!! and thanks!!!!!
Pamm
Would never do it to myself again let alone my girls.....I look at my Edward and remember his bags packed and walking out the door.....yeah trust me I know I woldnt do it again, but at the same time I want to say right now......it really is messing with me............made an appointment with the shrink today........gotta get this stinking thinking gone!!!! and thanks!!!!!
Pamm
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
I thank you for this post. I think once you get a certain amount of sober time....you just think you dodged the bullet and you are okay....right? It's good to know that it's normal for this to happen with any amount of sobriety...and we must ALWAYS be awere it can happen.
I hope you are feeling better.
I hope you are feeling better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Thanks Coffeenut, I was aware guess that is what threw me off......then the fact I reached out to almost everyone of my support team and said wht the hel..l is going on why here and now......
Pamm
Pamm
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Your getting through it JUST the way I hope to when it hits! I try and live in the moment, but I know that as soon as the **** really hits the fan, THAT is when I will be tested. Thank you for being strong and for posting, hang in there. Do something super good tomorrow to take your mind to a better place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
thank you all, we are going out to walmart, have to get more cloth for dipers, only have about a dozen made..........I am trying must admit I slpet like a baby though hubby left the bed to me and staied up all night doing homework.....dont know how he does it......
I am going to start my day have a good one you all!
Love and hugs,
Pamm
I am going to start my day have a good one you all!
Love and hugs,
Pamm
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Geez, KATZ...you have that many days and you're still getting the cravings? 
I'm sorry...I wish I knew how to beat them...they're really trying to get me to drink...I've been stuffing my face full of food (that's another problem I have)...it's not healthy, but it's better than me drinking.
I've been on SR a lot...I read and post. It's all I know how to do to get through it. And I go for a walk sometimes.
I hope your day goes well today.
I'm sorry...I wish I knew how to beat them...they're really trying to get me to drink...I've been stuffing my face full of food (that's another problem I have)...it's not healthy, but it's better than me drinking.
I've been on SR a lot...I read and post. It's all I know how to do to get through it. And I go for a walk sometimes.
I hope your day goes well today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Awwwww, Pamm, I'm sorry to hear that it was that rough for you. I haven't had one of those days yet and I'm in the middle of my 2nd year here. I hear in all the rooms, meetings, from all the "oldtimers" that it's just that thing. It never leaves us. I know I still have the "dreams" and I wake up freaking out that I just ruined my clean time. UGH!!! Hang in there Girl!!! "This too shall pass". You know it!! 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
HI! I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 155 days clean. I had a 'close call a couple weeks ago also. I went as far as to call 'the man' and set a time to meet. No one would know, my husband was out of town, and my teenage sons were gone for the weekend.
But, the thing is...I WOULD KNOW!!! And that, for me, was a true test of my sobriety and I passed and am stronger for it. I played the tape all the way through and realized that it just wasn't worth it. I got on my knees and prayed and I made it through.
You've accomplished so much...and came this far...don't throw it away! Be strong!
:praying
But, the thing is...I WOULD KNOW!!! And that, for me, was a true test of my sobriety and I passed and am stronger for it. I played the tape all the way through and realized that it just wasn't worth it. I got on my knees and prayed and I made it through.
You've accomplished so much...and came this far...don't throw it away! Be strong!
:praying
Too far from the beach
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 387
Hey Wild,
You just need to keep your chin up and move on. It sounds to me like you know what you need to do and are ready to do it. Ya just had a little bump in the road and it looks to me like you DO have the ability to move past it. I am so impressed that you have 632 days sober. My god many of us wish we had that. What you need to consider right now is what triggered the relapse ...and.. what you are going to do differently next time. Boy so many times I wish I can take my own advice... you know how it is.
Anyway, keep up your sobriety and realize that if you can stay sober for that long, you can do it altogether.
You just need to keep your chin up and move on. It sounds to me like you know what you need to do and are ready to do it. Ya just had a little bump in the road and it looks to me like you DO have the ability to move past it. I am so impressed that you have 632 days sober. My god many of us wish we had that. What you need to consider right now is what triggered the relapse ...and.. what you are going to do differently next time. Boy so many times I wish I can take my own advice... you know how it is.
Anyway, keep up your sobriety and realize that if you can stay sober for that long, you can do it altogether.
A MUCH more pleasant thought than using! You're MAKING diapers? Wow. Good for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Yes I am........have you seen how exspensive those things are????? so then I have to times it by two........thats ok I will do laundry I know it is more work but in the long run it is worth it even enviormentally worth it too......plus next year I can use em as a tax write off.....lol
Love,
Pamm
Love,
Pamm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Ok truth be it.......lol Edward gets to do the laundry and hes the one who said yes to them..........lol
Night all I am tired he is making me learn how to make my own web site you'll get it.......lol
Sleep Well
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Night all I am tired he is making me learn how to make my own web site you'll get it.......lol
Sleep Well
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Last edited by Anna; 03-01-2009 at 05:33 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
off to watch the walk of the Builder, what my Edward calls "extremem home makeover"
and my favorite walk......just imagine watching it seeing all of the builders come out and then you hear that rockey theme song" rising up straight to the top, took my time took my chances " or some sort.....he calls that to walk of the builder.............EYE of the Tigar is what it is called.............lol
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
and my favorite walk......just imagine watching it seeing all of the builders come out and then you hear that rockey theme song" rising up straight to the top, took my time took my chances " or some sort.....he calls that to walk of the builder.............EYE of the Tigar is what it is called.............lol
Love and Hugs,
Pamm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
why do the people who care about us or even love us lie to us????
is it that closest gets the mostest thing again????
Why can't our spouses tell us the truth no matter how badly it hurts us????
God Knows I hate games!!!!!!
is it that closest gets the mostest thing again????
Why can't our spouses tell us the truth no matter how badly it hurts us????
God Knows I hate games!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
katzy, get eddy a year stint or two in alanon!
member, that old careful what you wish for bit! lol
and my dear sweet katz'y, (ahem lol) the craves can go away with time...
and how to beat it, thats up to only you, and HP to figure out...
as that part of recovery is a inside job...
believe me, its doable...
a thought may hang around tho, and a thought is just that!
love you katz'y!
member, that old careful what you wish for bit! lol
and my dear sweet katz'y, (ahem lol) the craves can go away with time...
and how to beat it, thats up to only you, and HP to figure out...
as that part of recovery is a inside job...
believe me, its doable...
a thought may hang around tho, and a thought is just that!
love you katz'y!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
