Nearing the end
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Nearing the end
Since September, when my son and I moved out of the home we shared with my husband, I have not seen my husband drunk/drinking at all. Not once.
Until today.
I knew the drinking was still going on - I saw bottles in the trashcan, and I knew when he was hungover. But moving out saved me from having to face the physical reality of the slurry, stumbling drunkenness that turns my stomach.
Then, the weather took a turn for the worse this morning, and my son's coat was at his father's house. I needed to go over and pick it up. We had plans to spend time together as a family this evening, so I didn't think he'd be in too terrible a position. I called to let him know that we'd be dropping by very briefly, and I prepared myself mentally, just in case. The kiddo stayed in the car.
AH was SO drunk. At 11:45 in the morning. He was awake, but barely. He was mumbling incoherently.
I just got the coat, mittens, and hat, and left.
He sent me a text message telling me he'd like to do "family time" tomorrow night instead.
I'm not going to respond until I have some time to gather my thoughts.
I'm not crying or all that sad.
But I am sick of this.
SICK, SICK, SICK.
I am sick of trying to fit myself in around the alcohol.
I accept that this is how it is right now.
But, I know that this is NOT what I want for myself for the future.
I can be a good parent, and I can be there for my son when he is frustrated about his father's absence. I can't do anything about AH's parenting (or lack, thereof).
But I can do something about his my reliance on him as MY partner.
He's a shi%%y partner.
He is unreliable and selfish and manipulative.
He is many good things, but I honestly don't know if I can do this anymore.
Anyone have some insight? I think I'm near the end of this - I've got to think this through.
Thanks.
-TC
Until today.
I knew the drinking was still going on - I saw bottles in the trashcan, and I knew when he was hungover. But moving out saved me from having to face the physical reality of the slurry, stumbling drunkenness that turns my stomach.
Then, the weather took a turn for the worse this morning, and my son's coat was at his father's house. I needed to go over and pick it up. We had plans to spend time together as a family this evening, so I didn't think he'd be in too terrible a position. I called to let him know that we'd be dropping by very briefly, and I prepared myself mentally, just in case. The kiddo stayed in the car.
AH was SO drunk. At 11:45 in the morning. He was awake, but barely. He was mumbling incoherently.
I just got the coat, mittens, and hat, and left.
He sent me a text message telling me he'd like to do "family time" tomorrow night instead.
I'm not going to respond until I have some time to gather my thoughts.
I'm not crying or all that sad.
But I am sick of this.
SICK, SICK, SICK.
I am sick of trying to fit myself in around the alcohol.
I accept that this is how it is right now.
But, I know that this is NOT what I want for myself for the future.
I can be a good parent, and I can be there for my son when he is frustrated about his father's absence. I can't do anything about AH's parenting (or lack, thereof).
But I can do something about his my reliance on him as MY partner.
He's a shi%%y partner.
He is unreliable and selfish and manipulative.
He is many good things, but I honestly don't know if I can do this anymore.
Anyone have some insight? I think I'm near the end of this - I've got to think this through.
Thanks.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
TC,
You are a smart and strong woman. I admire your posts and find advice in them.
We all get to that point where we feel THIS IS ENOUGH, NO MORE. What do you want to do with that feeling?
Would making pro and con lists help you to make a decision or at least see the reality on paper?
You are a smart and strong woman. I admire your posts and find advice in them.
We all get to that point where we feel THIS IS ENOUGH, NO MORE. What do you want to do with that feeling?
Would making pro and con lists help you to make a decision or at least see the reality on paper?
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
(((TC)))
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough day. I don't know about you, but for me, the stronger I get, further along I go in recovery, the more difficult it is to tolerate the bs.
And I also know how hard it is, to think of letting go, especially when you are at the point when you have just had enough and feel like you just can't do it anymore, but yet they are still so very much in your heart and mind.
I really don't have any advice, except maybe try and think what you are getting from him right now, and if you take the next step, whatever that maybe be, how things will change.
You are in my thoughts.
SD
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough day. I don't know about you, but for me, the stronger I get, further along I go in recovery, the more difficult it is to tolerate the bs.
And I also know how hard it is, to think of letting go, especially when you are at the point when you have just had enough and feel like you just can't do it anymore, but yet they are still so very much in your heart and mind.
I really don't have any advice, except maybe try and think what you are getting from him right now, and if you take the next step, whatever that maybe be, how things will change.
You are in my thoughts.
SD
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi TC,
I'm sorry today was so painful and frustrating. You are such a strong and intelligent woman. I admire your strength and the rational way in which you make choices regarding contact with your AH. I have learned a lot from you.
Good luck with your next decision. All my best....HG
I'm sorry today was so painful and frustrating. You are such a strong and intelligent woman. I admire your strength and the rational way in which you make choices regarding contact with your AH. I have learned a lot from you.
Good luck with your next decision. All my best....HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Glad you're taking a deep breath before you respond, TC, for YOUR sake, not his.
No advice to offer. You'll know when the end comes, and you'll know what your options are at that point.
Big hugs, though. What a sucky way to spend part of a day.
No advice to offer. You'll know when the end comes, and you'll know what your options are at that point.
Big hugs, though. What a sucky way to spend part of a day.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
What specifically do you feel you're near the end of? After the end comes......?
After the end comes my life will (hopefully) look very much the same:
My own house, my own finances, my own friends, lots of time with my son, and some time arranging my son's time with his dad.
But instead of looking to P to meet my romantic - and even just companion - needs, I will be free to look elsewhere.
I will stop anticipating our weekly "family time." I will move into a stage of acceptance that my relationship with P is no longer that of a lover. I will move into acceptance that he is not the man that I will spend my life with.
I will make my own plans for the evening that DS spends with his father.
It's just - my partner does not make time for me.
He fits me in around alcohol.
-TC
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
He just called - totally out of it. He couldn't really talk just sort of mumbled, "Did you get my message?"
I said yes. I'll bring DS over tomorrow evening for a visit.
I was calm and kind, which is nice change. It used to be that his drunkenness turned me into a crazy person.
Today was a closer seat to the action than I've become accustomed to. He's been doing a really good job of keeping his act together lately, but, I guess, alcoholism marches on.
Scary to see evidence of the progression. Drinking in the morning, canceling plans - again and again. While I do not want to watch his downward slide, I'm wondering if I'm going to have to - in one capacity or another - for a while. I'm trying to make peace with that possibility. I don't think that I want to watch the progression as P's wife, but I might be able to handle it a little better if my role is his friend and the mother of his child.
My son is just fine right now. We went to the park earlier, and we're about to go to Barnes and Noble to spend the gift card that he got for Christmas.
I think I'm doing a good job of filling in the parenting gap. Today, I'm feeling the "partner who loves me and wants to spend time with me" gap. I love P and want to spend time with him, but it seems unhealthy for me to continue in those feelings when he's unable to reciprocate on a regular basis.
Thanks for reading my online journal.
-TC
I said yes. I'll bring DS over tomorrow evening for a visit.
I was calm and kind, which is nice change. It used to be that his drunkenness turned me into a crazy person.
Today was a closer seat to the action than I've become accustomed to. He's been doing a really good job of keeping his act together lately, but, I guess, alcoholism marches on.
Scary to see evidence of the progression. Drinking in the morning, canceling plans - again and again. While I do not want to watch his downward slide, I'm wondering if I'm going to have to - in one capacity or another - for a while. I'm trying to make peace with that possibility. I don't think that I want to watch the progression as P's wife, but I might be able to handle it a little better if my role is his friend and the mother of his child.
My son is just fine right now. We went to the park earlier, and we're about to go to Barnes and Noble to spend the gift card that he got for Christmas.
I think I'm doing a good job of filling in the parenting gap. Today, I'm feeling the "partner who loves me and wants to spend time with me" gap. I love P and want to spend time with him, but it seems unhealthy for me to continue in those feelings when he's unable to reciprocate on a regular basis.
Thanks for reading my online journal.
-TC
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Ugh.
Just...UGH.
Boundaries. I'd only see and visit when he's sober, period. Don't call me if you're drinking, don't have any contact with us if you've been drinking. Period.
I know it's difficult with a child, but your son shouldn't have to deal with it either.
If you wanted a front seat to it, you'd still be there.
Just...UGH.
Boundaries. I'd only see and visit when he's sober, period. Don't call me if you're drinking, don't have any contact with us if you've been drinking. Period.
I know it's difficult with a child, but your son shouldn't have to deal with it either.
If you wanted a front seat to it, you'd still be there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Tar Heel Country
Posts: 86
TC,
Things are getting clearer for you. I can see that.
I know firsthand that when alcohol is first, you cannot be. It is a devastating reality to face. Of course, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. But...You can accept it and make decisions based on the reality - decisions for you and your son. *You* can put you first - and what a blessing that is!!
Lots of hugs from here,
TH
Things are getting clearer for you. I can see that.
I know firsthand that when alcohol is first, you cannot be. It is a devastating reality to face. Of course, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. But...You can accept it and make decisions based on the reality - decisions for you and your son. *You* can put you first - and what a blessing that is!!
Lots of hugs from here,
TH
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by Still Waters
Boundaries. I'd only see and visit when he's sober, period. Don't call me if you're drinking, don't have any contact with us if you've been drinking. Period.
I know it's difficult with a child, but your son shouldn't have to deal with it either.
I know it's difficult with a child, but your son shouldn't have to deal with it either.
My current boundary is:
If you are drinking, then I choose to be elsewhere.
It's been working just fine - but when something "unexpected" comes up (like, needing to pick up a jacket in the middle of the day) I'm aware that it may be necessary for ME (not DS) to have some very brief contact with drunkenness.
Because, apparently, if P doesn't have FIRM plans to do something or be somewhere (and sometimes even when he does) he chooses to drink. I can't just "drop by" and expect a sober, happy-to-see-me-unexpectedly husband. I feel like that guy doesn't exist anymore.
And today was my very first drunken phone call. P tends to text or email when he's been drinking because his voice "gives him away." Since I didn't respond to his written messages, I guess he felt the need to call and make sure that I knew it wasn't safe for the kiddo to come over.
So, with all that in mind, I actually appreciated the phone call a little bit.
It comes down to this:
If I was sitting at home, alone, enjoying a movie or reading a novel, and P called to ask if I'd like go get some hot chocolate, my heart would swell, I'd smile, and, without hesitation, say YES. I look forward to seeing him and enjoy spending time with him. He's what I want to do. I love him.
When P is sitting at home, alone, enjoying whatever it is that he enjoys, and I call to ask if he'd like to come over for dinner, take a hike with the kiddo and I, or see a movie, he almost ALWAYS says NO. I just don't get the feeling that I'm what he wants to do. He tells me that I am - but, the reality is,
HE WANTS TO DRINK. I CAN HAVE WHAT'S LEFT.
I'd like to channel my love into a relationship with someone who's capable of appreciating, reciprocating that love. I've been hoping that P would be that person again, but that's looking unlikely. I need to deal in reality.
I'm feeling like "he's just not that into me."
If we were dating, I'd assume that he was seeing someone else and head for the hills. No use forcing something that's not meant to be.
It's good for me to get this out.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Since September, when my son and I moved out of the home we shared with my husband, I have not seen my husband drunk/drinking at all. Not once.
Until today.
I knew the drinking was still going on - I saw bottles in the trashcan, and I knew when he was hungover. But moving out saved me from having to face the physical reality of the slurry, stumbling drunkenness that turns my stomach.
Then, the weather took a turn for the worse this morning, and my son's coat was at his father's house. I needed to go over and pick it up. We had plans to spend time together as a family this evening, so I didn't think he'd be in too terrible a position. I called to let him know that we'd be dropping by very briefly, and I prepared myself mentally, just in case. The kiddo stayed in the car.
AH was SO drunk. At 11:45 in the morning. He was awake, but barely. He was mumbling incoherently.
I just got the coat, mittens, and hat, and left.
He sent me a text message telling me he'd like to do "family time" tomorrow night instead.
I'm not going to respond until I have some time to gather my thoughts.
I'm not crying or all that sad.
But I am sick of this.
SICK, SICK, SICK.
I am sick of trying to fit myself in around the alcohol.
I accept that this is how it is right now.
But, I know that this is NOT what I want for myself for the future.
I can be a good parent, and I can be there for my son when he is frustrated about his father's absence. I can't do anything about AH's parenting (or lack, thereof).
But I can do something about his my reliance on him as MY partner.
He's a shi%%y partner.
He is unreliable and selfish and manipulative.
He is many good things, but I honestly don't know if I can do this anymore.
Anyone have some insight? I think I'm near the end of this - I've got to think this through.
Thanks.
-TC
Until today.
I knew the drinking was still going on - I saw bottles in the trashcan, and I knew when he was hungover. But moving out saved me from having to face the physical reality of the slurry, stumbling drunkenness that turns my stomach.
Then, the weather took a turn for the worse this morning, and my son's coat was at his father's house. I needed to go over and pick it up. We had plans to spend time together as a family this evening, so I didn't think he'd be in too terrible a position. I called to let him know that we'd be dropping by very briefly, and I prepared myself mentally, just in case. The kiddo stayed in the car.
AH was SO drunk. At 11:45 in the morning. He was awake, but barely. He was mumbling incoherently.
I just got the coat, mittens, and hat, and left.
He sent me a text message telling me he'd like to do "family time" tomorrow night instead.
I'm not going to respond until I have some time to gather my thoughts.
I'm not crying or all that sad.
But I am sick of this.
SICK, SICK, SICK.
I am sick of trying to fit myself in around the alcohol.
I accept that this is how it is right now.
But, I know that this is NOT what I want for myself for the future.
I can be a good parent, and I can be there for my son when he is frustrated about his father's absence. I can't do anything about AH's parenting (or lack, thereof).
But I can do something about his my reliance on him as MY partner.
He's a shi%%y partner.
He is unreliable and selfish and manipulative.
He is many good things, but I honestly don't know if I can do this anymore.
Anyone have some insight? I think I'm near the end of this - I've got to think this through.
Thanks.
-TC
I found Volume 4 of the series to be very helpful, really just reinforces what your gut tells you but you can't get your heart to accept.
My thoughts go out to you.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by sailorjohn
Getting Them Sober Books
I found Volume 4 of the series to be very helpful, really just reinforces what your gut tells you but you can't get your heart to accept.
My thoughts go out to you.
I found Volume 4 of the series to be very helpful, really just reinforces what your gut tells you but you can't get your heart to accept.
My thoughts go out to you.
Excellent insight - I love this place!
-TC
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
From sailorjohn's link:
W So true. My AH didn't threaten me with other women, but kept telling me to get out. That my daughter could stay (she isn't his) but I needed to leave. Like she would stay with him and not go with me???? Insanity.
W
hich brings us to an interesting point: Who is really controlling your relationship? I’ll bet you’ve been called the manager – the mommy. And the poor alcoholic is just shoved around by you, espe*cially when he’s feeling ashamed of past acts and slinks around the house, “taking abuse” from you.
But let’s take a second look. Who is controlling whom – from behind-the-scenes? Who has whom revolving her life around him twenty-four hours a day? Who is thinking, worrying, stewing about him all the time? Neglecting your children, your hair, your mental condition, your intellectual improvement – everything? Who has you thinking that a million women “out there” are waiting for him? One alcoholic’s wife, Miriam, has this to tell: “I left Joe for ten whole days – just to show him who needs whom. Do you know what? When I came home, he didn’t even know I’d been gone!”
But let’s take a second look. Who is controlling whom – from behind-the-scenes? Who has whom revolving her life around him twenty-four hours a day? Who is thinking, worrying, stewing about him all the time? Neglecting your children, your hair, your mental condition, your intellectual improvement – everything? Who has you thinking that a million women “out there” are waiting for him? One alcoholic’s wife, Miriam, has this to tell: “I left Joe for ten whole days – just to show him who needs whom. Do you know what? When I came home, he didn’t even know I’d been gone!”
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
This stood out to me:
-from Toby Rice Drew, Getting Them Sober Volume 4
I'm going to work on developing my awareness of this paradox.
My AH will, periodically, give me intense and beautiful comfort and loving attention. Then DAYS of nothing but an occasional headache. I mean, not a phone call, not a wave, note, or "hi!" for a week at a time.
I can see now how the dramatic differences between the two types of attention make me hyper vigilant. There is a part of me that is always watching, hoping that today will be the day for love.
Great food for thought.
-TC
When an alcoholic gives us comfort and love on an irregular basis – when we cannot know when he or she will be nice – we are much more bound to them than if they gave us love on a regular basis.
The reason for this strong bonding with someone who gives love incon*sistently is that, since we want the love, we are anxiously awaiting it.
The reason for this strong bonding with someone who gives love incon*sistently is that, since we want the love, we are anxiously awaiting it.
I'm going to work on developing my awareness of this paradox.
My AH will, periodically, give me intense and beautiful comfort and loving attention. Then DAYS of nothing but an occasional headache. I mean, not a phone call, not a wave, note, or "hi!" for a week at a time.
I can see now how the dramatic differences between the two types of attention make me hyper vigilant. There is a part of me that is always watching, hoping that today will be the day for love.
Great food for thought.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I too had an unexpected night with exah. I just posted about it. The past 5 months he has sworn he had quit drinking, but we had to take our daughter to ER last night and bingo....caught him by surprise and he was. He of course denied it, but he was.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
This stood out to me:
-from Toby Rice Drew, Getting Them Sober Volume 4
I'm going to work on developing my awareness of this paradox.
My AH will, periodically, give me intense and beautiful comfort and loving attention. Then DAYS of nothing but an occasional headache. I mean, not a phone call, not a wave, note, or "hi!" for a week at a time.
I can see now how the dramatic differences between the two types of attention make me hyper vigilant. There is a part of me that is always watching, hoping that today will be the day for love.
Great food for thought.
-TC
-from Toby Rice Drew, Getting Them Sober Volume 4
I'm going to work on developing my awareness of this paradox.
My AH will, periodically, give me intense and beautiful comfort and loving attention. Then DAYS of nothing but an occasional headache. I mean, not a phone call, not a wave, note, or "hi!" for a week at a time.
I can see now how the dramatic differences between the two types of attention make me hyper vigilant. There is a part of me that is always watching, hoping that today will be the day for love.
Great food for thought.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
My AH will, periodically, give me intense and beautiful comfort and loving attention. Then DAYS of nothing but an occasional headache. I mean, not a phone call, not a wave, note, or "hi!" for a week at a time.
I can see now how the dramatic differences between the two types of attention make me hyper vigilant. There is a part of me that is always watching, hoping that today will be the day for love.
I can see now how the dramatic differences between the two types of attention make me hyper vigilant. There is a part of me that is always watching, hoping that today will be the day for love.
I wanted someone with whom I could cultivate a relationship of mutual devotion and respect.....but oh, it was hard to tear myself away from the almost-got-its.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
TC, I think that you indeed need to go one step further and accept the fact that this man is not going to be your romantic partner because he cannot be.
I went through this realisation myself few months ago. Before that, even though we were separated, I would still spend time with him intimately but found, just like you, that after spending this time with him, I was even more affected and disgusted by his behavior when I happened to see him intoxicated. I also took a good hard look at what it was exactely that I expected, as a woman, from a partner. And it was to be able to rely on someone who would allow me to grow spiritually and there was no way I was going to get this from an alcoholic, as everything has to revolve around their drinking timetable, which is so unpredictable.
So I let him go.... Once I made this conscious decision, whenever he would cancel a plan we had, then I had the "business as usual" attitude. And I must say that any time this would happen, or any time I would have to see him intoxicated, instead of feeling upset, I was actually feeling better about the hard resolution I had had to make. In my case, the "end" of my romantic involvment with AH became a win win situation, although the grief has been very difficult to overcome at times....
I hope this help....
I went through this realisation myself few months ago. Before that, even though we were separated, I would still spend time with him intimately but found, just like you, that after spending this time with him, I was even more affected and disgusted by his behavior when I happened to see him intoxicated. I also took a good hard look at what it was exactely that I expected, as a woman, from a partner. And it was to be able to rely on someone who would allow me to grow spiritually and there was no way I was going to get this from an alcoholic, as everything has to revolve around their drinking timetable, which is so unpredictable.
So I let him go.... Once I made this conscious decision, whenever he would cancel a plan we had, then I had the "business as usual" attitude. And I must say that any time this would happen, or any time I would have to see him intoxicated, instead of feeling upset, I was actually feeling better about the hard resolution I had had to make. In my case, the "end" of my romantic involvment with AH became a win win situation, although the grief has been very difficult to overcome at times....
I hope this help....
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