LaTeeDa

I remember when I first read about intermittent gratification. It might have been the same passage from "Getting Them Sober." It was such a huge AHA for me, I looked into it further.

I found a study where they tested it on rats. (I know, we're not rats, but still...) They set up two groups of rats with all the basics like food and water and gave them a dispenser they could operate that dispensed treats. They also set up a control group with no dispenser. In the two groups with the treat dispenser, one was configured to give a treat whenever the lever was pressed. In the other, it was random, sometimes they would get a treat, sometimes not, with no predictability.

In the group with the consistent treats, and the control group, the rats were normal and happy. The group with the treats would go get one whenever they wanted one, and didn't overindulge or otherwise act inappropriately. The group with the intermittent treats became obsessive. They would press the lever constantly, some until they hurt themselves, in the hope of getting a treat. When they got the treats, they would gorge themselves, horde them, and fight with the other rats over them. In the study, it was concluded that the unpredictability of the treats made them psychologically unstable.

I can relate to those rats.

L

Pajarito

(((TC))) I've often admired the slow, thoughtful way you have handled yourself with your AH. You seem to have treated him with dignity, and taken care of yourself in the midst of trying to figure out what you want.

I sometimes wish I would have had that kind of experience. Mine was much more contentious due to infidelity. Still- when the "s" hit the fan, I did take the time I needed to really weigh things out. I talked to a lot of people about what was happening, and I spent a lot of quiet time thinking. Eventually it just came to me- as I think it will to you. You'll know when you know. For me too it seems that every interaction with STBXAH just reinforces what I knew but didn't have the ability to see then- that I was settling for scraps. I completely relate to your getting the leftovers or feeling like he's just not that into you. It's hard not to take it personally, but my feeling is he just can't be that into you because he is chemically addicted- and that is all consuming. How else can you explain it- or for that matter that he gives your ds scraps as well? I have a lovely dd who gets the same. My STBXAH has been out of town for a week and has not contacted dd. It blows my mind. I look at her every day and thank God I have her, that I get to listen to her silliness and tuck her in at night. How can STBXAH not miss all of that? It breaks my heart.

It sounds like you are taking in what you need to from your situation in the time that you need to. I think if we had to understand and accept- all at once- what comes with addiction we'd lose our minds. It's too much to comprehend. So, we slowly learn bit by bit, process it, talk about it and gather information, and make absolutely sure until we can accept it. It's a process. You'll be ready to take the next step when you're ready. Take care!