wk4bg8s

To be honest, I have no idea where to beign. I am completely new to this forum, any forum for that matter
so please bear with me.

When I was a child, I was always taught to provide for and protect my family. I have made every attempt to
do just that my entire adult life. I guess now, my protection was not protection at all. Growing up, there
was no drinking by my parents, grand-parents etc., so I was never exposed to alcohol until I was a teen. I
decided then that I did not like the taste, so it was a non issue for me, just forgotten. Through my life I
have known alcoholics, but of course that did not apply to my wife, she was better than that, she is a great
mother, a wonderful friend, she is beautiful, she is different. I know now, that I was in denial.

I have been in denial to friends and family, even myself for years. Lying to co-workers, family, you name it, I
have made every effort to keep the truth hidden from everyone. Both of my parents passed without ever knowing
that my wife had any kind of problem. I guess until this past week I simply could not admit that alcohol was
an issue. Did we talk about it? You bet. I told her she had a problem. She denied it. I believed it, thought
that I was was the problem, and simply clueless about alcohol. So I continued to protect her (and myself) by
lying to everyone about the problem that she did not have.

Now, she is gone, deciding months ago that she would be leaving after the first of the year. Before she left
we talked. We talked about how I was the problem. That I did not like to go out much anymore, that I had
become a home-body. I was too critical of others, and picky of the people that we associated with. I was the
reason that she got angry and broke things around the house. I was always pushing. I did not trust her. I was
suffocating her. If it was not for me, she would not have a problem (the one she always said that she did not
have). The list of accusations went on and on. I guess in a sense, she was right. I did do some of those things
but when I did admit to those things that I had done, and explained the reasons, she would have no part of it.
Looking back now, I should not have been surprised. Seems that I was just as much a part of the problem. She
never would allow us to talk about her issues, it simply was off the table.

Part of my problem is fairly simple. I was told/taught not to air your dirty laundry in public. Family matters
are just that, family matters. If you cannot fix it, you are weak, incapable, and a man should never ask for
help. I guess after 50+ years in that belief system, I find it hard to change.

I now find myself alone, utterly alone. I don't want to call anyone, because I will simply flood them with my
emotions, but I do want to call. I guess in a sense I am still protecting her. I feel anger, confusion, pity,
loneliness, hatred, frustration, failure, you name the emotion, I am feeling it! I think that I understand where
I went wrong, but then again I don't. I love my wife so deeply, how could I have been so blind, so wrong, so
manipulated. Seems that if it could be done wrong, I did it.

I am not sure what I am doing or expecting, maybe I am hoping that someone will understand just how devastated
I feel, or simply say, "it's not your fault, things will work out!" I honestly don't know if my ramblings make
any sense at all, after 3 or 4 hours of trying to type, I am feeling numb, and even more exhausted.

Thanks for listening...

Latte

I understand. Welcome to SR, this is a wonderful place full of awesome people.

blessed4x

Welcome to the forum....you are certainly in the right place! Be sure to read the "stickies" at the top of the page, and I know there will be many others to share similar stories. I'm sorry you are going through the pain, and do I ever understand about keeping secrets! I've just recently begun sharing with close friends and family after 21 years of marriage and living with an active alcoholic.

Know you are not alone and that there are so many people here who care and will help you walk through the pain. By the way.....several hours of typing and deleting not so bad, it took me several months before I finally hit the "submit" button, LOl!

drained22

been there, done that, I blamed myself, thought I was the one who was wrong fighting outside a restaurant because her behavior wasn't normal. thought I didn't know how to behave, thought I had a "sheltered" life and what she did was normal..I never liked her friends or her lifestyle.


been there and don't want to go back...I experienced the home body accusation. she always\still went out every day. mon,tues,wed,thurs,fri,sat,sun. everytime we hung out it was the same story. experience her for 1 hour than she started getting drunk. I talked to her, she admitted it and then the next day it was the same thing.

the fact she didn't see what was going on or her point of view being warped.

I have to admit it still, I do miss her very much. sometimes its to the point that it hurts. I don't hate her because we did have some great times together but there are alot of times that weren't so great.

maybe I'll eventually heal if she gets better and explains to me that she is sorry.

the last time we went out, it was my birthday.. she paid..I didnt want her to because I never made her pay. I was the gentleman, I told her "Its not what you do that matters, its who you are with"... she blushed and put her mouth to her lips...

when we finished.. she got into my car and asked me to buy her a 12 pack.

well thats my speel, if you want to talk just PM me.

wk4bg8s

Thanks so much for the replies.

It is very difficult for me as I move through my mind, memories of things that happened in the past that
I simply excused or gave no thought to. Even the times that friends mentioned things like missing medication
etc., after a visit to their home. I guess it is time for me to quit lying to myself as well as others. I
Dumped a 30yr friendship because my wife kept insisting that she had not asked for alcohol, rather it was
forced/pushed on her instead. I took her side. Now I wonder... That friend and I have not spoken in years.

When a couple of friends mentioned missing meds after we had visited, but as usual, I stood my ground for
her, instead of letting her face the music. She even mentions from time to time, that they (friends) seem
to favor me over her, but I always said it was her imagination. She was right however, and to this day she
is often avoided in conversation etc., but my relationship with them remains somewhat intact.

I know that down the road I will move forward with my life, new friends, experiences, and maybe even a new love
interest, but for now I think that I need to feel the pain. It sucks, but I want to be absolutely sure that I
don't make the same mistake again.

Chrysalis123

Welcome. I'm so sorry for all that you are suffering. I can relate because something similar happened to me, along with my feelings of betrayal, rejection, abandonment, anger, grief. It was rough for awhile.

Your post helped me because I have realized I still feel guilt for not doing enough. When I read your comment about being accused of being a homebody, I remembered that very thing being said to me. Now I see it for what it was...manipulation.

Some things that helped me with my recovery were counseling, attending Alanon and reading their literature such as "How Alanon Works", reading other books such as "Codependent No More", and breaking the isolation. I was surprised to learn that "keeping the secret" and isolating are a really common thing done by family of the alcoholic. Posting here was a great start for breaking your isolation. You are no longer alone. Please keep posting.

GiveLove

Welcome to SR, wk4bg8s,

I understand too. And I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, BUT...glad you found us here.

I know you're worn out from typing, but when you are feeling stronger again, please do read around on this forum. You will find that there are many people here who share the same (false) story shoved down their throats by an alcoholic: It's YOUR fault I drink, it's YOUR fault this is happening to you, it's not my fault that I break things and drive drunk and run up bills and am not there for you because of my drinking, no, it's YOUR fault.

It breaks my heart every time someone else like you comes through our door who has bought this line. The thing is, we can't make them become alcoholics any more than we can STOP them from being alcoholics. We simply aren't that powerful.

You share the same basic belief system with millions of Americans of your generation: Men provide, men fix, but men suffer in silence. I am so glad that this way of thinking is being slowly broken down and discarded, because I personally feel it's damaging and isolating.

Look at yourself right now: If this were any other kind of problem (a work issue, a machine, something fixable) you might feel as though you could enlist the help of professionals or people you know to find the key to the puzzle and work through it. But because of your upbringing, you feel that asking for input is akin to "airing dirty laundry", and instead you isolate with these painful thoughts gnawing away at your insides, poisoning you with stress, regret and doubt.

I am so glad you're here. Here, you can tell your story and no one will judge you. You're not "airing dirty laundry," you're consulting with a community of people who have experienced what you have, and may have a fresh perspective and a new idea for you. You don't have to join a drum circle and fall on friends' doorsteps weeping , but you can maybe begin to unravel this for yourself and realize that it's not your fault. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. If she was unhappy with your basic nature, it was HER choice to turn to a bottle rather than get help in healthier ways.

Please educate yourself on alcoholism here, and take advantage of the safe, anonymous support until you feel you can reach out to the people in your life.

You may be very surprised at the similarities in our stories and our dilemmas, and not only that, you may be able to help others in their pain with what you've learned.

Thanks for finding us -

Still Waters

I totally understand too!

It's all us, never them. The pathways of addict/alcoholic manipulation and rationalization are astounding.

In my opinion the first thing you need to do is stop blaming and kicking yourself. You did the best with the tools you had available. Believe me, if you speak to your friends and simply state that after years of denial you now understand that your wife is an addict/alcoholic, they aren't going to beat you up for it. They'll likely be relieved that they no longer have to walk on eggshells. This horrid nasty thing called addiction effects EVERYONE around the addict.

Hang in there, things DO get better!

wk4bg8s

So much of what many of you say is true, it is just a shame that it took me so long to admit the truth. I think
that I found it easier to lie to myself and others, rather than admitting that there was a serious problem. I
vividly remember the times that I would look into her eyes, or touch her hand, and think that all of this would
pass, it was really not as bad as it seemed. It never did, and was much worse than I could have imagined.

As I am typing, I am watching families going for walks, taking the dog for a stroll, and realize that doing
something as simple as that, had become a fear for me. When did I forget how to smile, relax, enjoy even the
most simple things. I used to live in our yard. Mowing, trimming, planting, and watering until the cows came
home. Now I avoid mowing the lawn because I do not want to explain why an ambulance had been here the previous
day, or why the Police were at my door at 2am over the weekend. These are questions that I did not even want
to think about, let alone answer. Eventually I simply shut myself in. I guess it was easier and safer that way.

The hardest part of the journey for me is admitting that I made mistakes, that I did not want to see the real
truth, and the feeling that I failed my Wife, my family, and myself. Knowing that it was "not my fault" is one
thing, understanding and believing it, is yet another. The years of sticking my head in the sand, allowing her
to control and manipulate our lives, and allowing her to blame me for our lack of a social life.

I am not on the pity pot here, it just seems to help put things into perspective when I take the time to think
about what I am saying and thinking. I need to understand what happened. I need to fix me, and right now I am
going to have to remember how to live my life, and not hers. I know it sounds a bit selfish, maybe it's time.

SHAMAN

Welcome! So much of what you've shared sounds familiar. I never could seem to do enough or even the 'right' thing. And as long as I accepted the treatment I was receiving... emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial neglect of the relationship... there was no problem.

Many mixed messages as well. I was told, "You're too nice, you let people walk all over you." Yet when I 'pushed' for answers/explanations for the 'strange' and avoidant behavior or the absolute lack of open communication/sharing required of a healthy relationship, I was told I said "mean things". Damned if I did and, well, damned if I did. Like you, I learned to remain silent... until I errupted... and mis-attributed what I was seeing to other causes and accepted more of the blame than was mine.

One of the hardest aspects of my recovery has been discerning, that while I was EFFECTED, where my responsibility in EFFECTING lies. I truly understand the guilt and regret placed upon you. It does get better and things become more clear, however, as I decide where my responsibility begins and ends... as long as I make the effort to recover.

Of many things, I also understand this... BECAUSE I SHARE WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE AND WITHIN ME DOES NOT MEAN I'M BEING DISLOYAL TO SOMEONE ELSE.

Glad you found the site.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Still Waters

I totally isolated myself, stopped speaking to friends I'd had for many many years, stopped going out of the house, etc. Living with an addict can make you very ill.

You need to get yourself to Al-anon my friend, right this second. Go to a meeting, it will help you come to terms with the insanity you've been living with. And no, living your own life isn't selfish at all, it's REAL.

MissFixit

I isolated myself too and avoided friends and cut ties with people I've known for 10+ years. At first I believed negative things my exabf said about them, but then began to be embarrassed by his actions and my remaining with him. Ironically, he now tells these same people negative (and untrue) things about me.

After several years, I was so tired of the daily rollercoaster that I was scared to tell anyone. To this day, I don't understand why I kept distant and silent to others, but tried to talk with him about it all of the time.

wk4bg8s

I have already contacted Al-anon, and am heading into town tonight. I live in a small community, and both AA and
Al-anon share the same building, have meetings at the same time. Wonder how that works

I do realize that it is my turn, I just have to find out how to get off the roller coaster. Tonight I hope will
be the first step to my "emotional sobriety." I just feel so exhausted...

Seren

Welcome to SR! You will find such wonderful support here. My boyfriend was married for 25 years to an alcoholic who died of complications of liver damage and breast cancer. His son is now an alcoholic and crack addict. He has listened to the ranting blame placed on him by both his late wife and son to the point where he believed it. His late wife also never wanted anyone to come to the house....he covered up for her too...and then for his son. Addiction is a very isolating disease.

Now he is learning that none of this is true. Unless you put a drink in someone's hand and forced them to drink it or put the pipe in their lips and lit it....you are not to blame. He is reaching out to friends and other family members for help and support.

Please continue to reach out to others for support. You have a wonderful, peaceful, beautifuly life ahead of you! (p.s. my Boyfriend is in his late 50s.....).

Best of luck and hugs to you!

HG

GiveLove

wk4bg8s,

I'm glad you're finding an Al-Anon meeting tonight. You won't have to say a word if you don't want to...but they'll be there to support you in any way, large or small, if you do want to.

I would not expect to dispell the guilt that seeped from many years of this awful way of living overnight. But every small step you take in the right direction will help you to gain perspective on what's happened, what your role was (and wasn't) in it, and how you can move on with courage and strength.

It's hard after being an enabler for so long, isn't it? But you're already taking the right steps to do it...gathering experienced support, educating yourself. Think how far you've come already from your days of denial and isolation.

Keep taking those small steps....here we'll sometimes refer to it as "the next right thing."

Take care and keep your head up. This pain will not last forever.

Still Waters

Exhaustion is normal, I still feel it some days, I think too, it's depression.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Stop and watch the sunset or rise, the birds, kids playing. I had forgotten the rest of the world, so lost in my own miserable existence. It's all so beautiful!

wk4bg8s

Well, I attended my first Al-anon meeting. In all honesty it was probably the hardest door for me to walk
through in my life, but I went in, and found a chair. I was surprised at the number of people that were
there, all women except for myself and one other gentleman.

I don't know what I was expecting, the meeting was only an hour. When I arrived I had high hopes, you
know what I mean, all of the answers are magically spoken in the first 30 minutes, you grab a pamphlet
or two, thank the host, life is all cheery, and off you go into the night.

In reality that did not happen, I knew that it was completely unrealistic, but I can remember wondering if
I could be so lucky.

I sat quietly, listening to the introductions, welcome etc., and found my mind wondering about all of those
faces. The sadness, confusion, fear and pain. They all looked like me. Some wiped their eyes, but most of
us kept it together throughout. When I left, I walked slowly to my truck and got in. In the safety and privacy
of my truck, I cried the hardest that I ever have. As I did, I could feel some relief, and the pain ebbing just
a bit.

This is the first time I have broken down since my Wife left, and I am sure there will be many more. But
I took a step, into a place I never saw myself, a place that was for everyone else, but not me.

Strangely, it felt good not to be alone, but sad seeing the pain in so many faces...

Chrysalis123

I know what you are saying about the sorrow and hurting people at Alanon. I was one of them when I first went... a broken woman in crisis. Another person in my meeting was so torn up that in the middle of every meeting this person would vanish into the bathroom. This went on for 3 months. Recently shared with everyone it was to sob ( also didn't say a word for about 5 months). It has been a priveledge to witness this person's growth and transformation.

After attending the meeting for awhile I started to notice something. There were people attending that shown with an inner light of contentment and joy, even though some horrid things had happened in their life. There are people that share amazing stories of hope and strength.

I decided I came in broken but I want what those folks have. And I am startting to make progress baby step by baby step. You will too, my friend.

dazednconfuzed

I sure know where you're coming from. I spent years in denial, but my denial was why I was becoming so sick - even more sick than the alcoholic. All the answers were right in front of my nose, but I kept looking in other directions. I was with a verbally, emotionally, cheating alcoholic, and I chose to keep the good things about him in my head, while my insides and spirituality steadily eroded.

YES - we can be in that much denial - especially when the A blames us for their drinking. It's a Catch-22. After a while, we don't want to go out or do things. We become depressed and boring to the people around us, including the A. So when they point out what 'losers' we've become, we start thinking that if we were more interesting and exciting, they wouldn't have to turn to the bottle.

I quit drinking completely, early on, because I was a social drinker and alcohol had become no fun anymore. When it finally drove home to me that I was completely powerless over alcohol, was when I came here. In a sense, we become alcoholics ourselves, because it's not about the actual substance, but more how it shapes and controls our lives.

All the best to you in your 'recovery'. Keep coming here for the wonderful advice and you will not feel alone ...

wk4bg8s

Today, I had a long 2 hour talk with an old friend. He was involved in a serious accident years back, and has some very
serious pain issues since. He tells me that he had given my Wife pain pills over the past few months when her medication
ran out. This part is a long story, so just let me say that she was prescribed the same medication by her doctor. I know
this does not make it right or legal, but she did have a prescription for the same dosage etc. He continues, telling me
that he thought that I knew. Thought that she would tell me. He realizes now the mistake, and I believe is sincerely
sorry. It was Vicodin, and one day gave her 6, and she called him the following day asking for more!!!! She had given
some to her sister, and she was out. She is prescribed a months supply that she picks up on the 1st Tuesday of the month,
and this was on October 18th!!! He remembers, it was the day our daughter was married. He did not give her more. I should
mention that her sister lives 250 miles from us. She never saw her, trust me on that.

Moving on...

This evening I realized that I had forgotten to get the mail yesterday. So I went out, grabbed it and found a letter from
her doctor. The letter stated that he found it necessary to release her from treatment due to, "violation of the medication
agreement, repeated dishonest statements, and failure to take medication as prescribed."

Now I am just your average guy. I have been to the doctor with her from time to time, just wanting to see where her treatment
was, that simple. I honestly thought that the doctor would track what she was taking, I mean this guy was the one prescribing
the meds. Vicodin, Lyrica, Lunesta, another that I cannot remember the name of, something for depression, pain patches, and
Qualaquin (quinine) for leg cramping. I don't not know if he knew she was an alcoholic. She always checks the mail. Said that
she liked to. Now I wonder what else I never saw, never found out about.

This is a Workmans Comp case, and the CC was to her Attorney, the Comp Board, the insurance co., and her Therapist, who I am
sure does not know that she is drinking.

I am not sure why I am sharing this, I just needed to tell someone. Maybe because this may be the final straw, no more meds, the
comp case going to pot, maybe this is the push that she needs. I doubt it, but maybe...

Thanks for listening...