sodetermined

ABF left at 11:00 this morning to go cut wood with my dad, it's been dark for probably 2 hours, and he still isn't back. My dad is an A...and even though they don't have much $$ between themselves, I am almost positve they are drinking. ABF borrowed $$ from his mom today for gas (to go "cut wood").....it is hurtful that the $$ he does get is probably going to be spent on beer.

I'm sitting here, while Ryan is watching tv. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet today, Ryan and I rocked out on guitar hero, but the longer he is gone, the harder it is to not let his crap affect my night. I am hurt, lonely, and angry. I know it is my choice to be with him, and that I am the only one to change that....I am trying to figure out how people can detach.

I know that what I have done in the past (complain/nag when he gets home) won't do any good for any of us, and I also know that if I just calmly tell him I'm upset and don't want to talk, that he will probably pick pick and pick some more.

I am not even sure what kind of boundaries to have while he is living here. I would go somewhere right now except it is getting late and the roads were nothing but ice today. I know that I am doing better than what I have in the past when this stuff happens, I do feel calmer....but still just bummed out/hurt/anxious. At the same time....I dread the moment when I see his truck pull in, I know that my stomach will be one big mess.

FormerDoormat

I feel sorry for Ryan. He doesn't get to choose how to live his life, yet he has to live with the aftermath of your choices.

I was reading the Kite Runner yesterday and one sentence spoke to me:

"I brought Hassan’s son from Afghanistan to America, lifting him from the certainty of turmoil and dropping him in a turmoil of uncertainty."

Change of any kind is difficult because it requires people to take a leap of faith and abandon the certainty of turmoil and embrace the turmoil of uncertainty. For me, it was well worth the effort.

sodetermined

I feel sorry for Ryan a lot, too, and feel like a horrible mom at times. That's why today I have tried my hardest to enjoy our day together.

When I made Chris leave the first time, the pain was awful but was slowly getting better. The only thing stopping me from making him leave this time is just avoiding that pain right now.

FormerDoormat

It's just the illusion of the avoidance of pain because you and I both know that life with an active alcoholic is painful--every day.

blessed4x

I know that feeling. For me it is usually pulling around the corner to come home and seeing his truck in the driveway that's an anxiety trigger. I can't tell you how to detach, because I'm not great at it myself. I'm better, but not there yet, and honestly I don't think at this point that I even want to perfect it. I don't think I can choose to live with someone that I can't have an intimate emotional bond with.....but I think it's a personal decision, and you have to do what's best for you and your son.

I am working on moving toward decisions that give me peace, and away from those that cause anxiety. The thought of seperation/divorce used to send me into a panic, but slowly I am coming to terms with it. I think you have so much "noise" in your head you are having trouble sorting out what really is best for you. Try journaling, allow yourself to feel. You'll come up with the answers if you listen.

sodetermined

I am not trying to play the innocent victim.....I understand that I have issues with myself, serious ones. I do not argue that.

But his crap still affects me, I mean if I wasn't a codie, I think the actions of an alcholic would still be hurtful. If I am a happy person or a miserable person, if someone disrespects me by coming home 5 hours late drinking, I will be affected.

Well the A showed up about 45 minutes ago. I was calm, but asked what he had been doing. He was driving around, drinking with my dad and uncle....on these icy roads. So I told him I don't want to be around him when he's drinking (of course he responded "i'm not drinking"...but he was intoxicated), and told him he needed to call for a ride or I could take him to his mom's. The whole time on the way there was how it's bull crap he can't come home and get something to eat and blah blah blah. I simply told him I will not be around him while he has been drinking, and that I realize it's his life and his choices, but I won't be around it. I also told him I would talk to him tomorrow when he's sober.

So I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, I think I did the right thing, I can't know for sure but I am not far enough along in my recovery to not be angry/fight with him, and I don't think the night would have been good for any of us.

I mean it seems like such a catch 22, b/c if I detach and say nothing, it feels to me like I am sending the message that what he did was ok.....this is the part where I get really confused.

Blessed, it's an awful feeling, isn't it? As soon as I saw his headlights my heart sank. Mainly b/c I didn't know if I would handle it well.

sodetermined

It's really hard not to get defensive with your responses, I come here for support b/c I am having a bad night and in my original post I am admitting that I am struggling with detaching from this tonight. I feel attacked almost from your responses. It is about me and it is also about him, we live together. I allowed him to come back through my own sickness. But since I know he is an alcoholic, and that I have chosen to let him back in my home, I am trying to detach and still work on me.

It is not only about me, not at all. It is hurtful to be disrespected and I came here tonight for some possible advice about now to not obsess about HIM.

I won't say anymore, my emotions are going everywhere right now.

hadenoughnow

He is an addict, he really does not care if what he does is "ok" with you. Detachment is for you, not a tactical maneuver designed to get him to behave differently.

FormerDoormat

I couldn't detach when I was still living with my alcoholic boyfriend. He pushed my buttons daily and I reacted. It was a vicious cycle. The turmoil kept me from being able to focus on myself and what I wanted out of life.

The only way I could detach myself from my boyfriend's problem and the chaos it brought into my life was to physically separate myself from him. No contact in any way. No phone calls. No e-mails. No updates on him from friends, coworkers, or family. That allowed me to break the cycle and to quiet my mind so I could focus on what I wanted out of life and out of a relationship and on what steps I needed to take to bring about positive changes in my life.

Was it painful? Yes. But much less painful than living under the same roof with an active drinker.

weepy

Soconfused, only you will know when enough is enough. I let go of my ABF a month ago and am starting to feel like life isn't over. I still grieve of course, but darn it! I'm a strong woman. And so are you if you choose to tap into that and take responsibility for where you are in this life. No one brings pain to us unless we invite it in, in some capacity. You have opened your arms to being wounded over and over again. And like previous posters have said, your child, the one you are supposed to protect above ALL others, has no choice in this madness. So what scares you more. Losing this man? Or having your boy grow into an alcoholic himself? Or something worse....

blessed4x

Soconfused..........just an observation. I know that living with/leaving/detaching from an A is hard in ANY situation, but I have been told that adding a kid or two (or 4) in the mix makes it even more difficult. I don't want to take away any from the advice of those that don't have kids, because I value everything they share emensely, and I certainly don't want to get into a "my situation is harder" conversation. But I have observed, and I have been told by a therapist, that having children causes a dilemma because we want to create that "family" we fantasize about. The very thing that we should be doing to save our kids is the thing we avoid. I believe that the ONLY way we can change this pattern for our kids and offer them a fighting chance at healthy adult relationships is to work, work, work on us and remove them from the chaos. In my "experiment to detach" I believe I have prolonged the pain for all of us.

Someone asked me a while back what my home would look like if I were able to free myself from this toxic relationship. Think about that. Think about the love, laughter, and joy that could fill your home and your life if the house weren't so full of tension you could cut it with a knife. All of this energy we are expending can be negative or positive.....it's up to us!

(((hugs)))

blessed4x

That's what seems logical, and considering I'm such a momma bear it still baffles me why I would put up with crap from my AH that I wouldn't consider tolerating from anyone else in my life. I always thought if I didn't have kids I'd have been gone long ago. *shrug* Just part of my illness, I guess.

denny57

Part of mine, too, blessed4x. Out of it now for a couple years, I'm still learning all the ways I rationalized, etc. to create the world I wanted to have.

hmbld

I share your sentiments. Change doesn't happen overnight and we all just do the best we can on any given day. I swear sometimes my life feels like one step forward two steps back, but I keep stepping forward and I was only able to do that because of the understanding of those who've walked those steps before me and gently push me forward.

Tally

Just as some people say "Take what you like and leave the rest", I think it works both ways. Those who don't like harsh reality don't have to listen and those who don't like "whining" don't have to read it, surely "take what you like and leave the rest" applies in both situations?

I too would have found that PM "attacking" even though my skin has toughened through coming here for a few years, it may be truthful, I don't know, but it still came across as rude.
IMHO it is no one elses responsibility to make anyone else "get it", does getting angry at someones slowless in recovery not reek of "codependantness"??
Just as I would say to someone not liking some of the harsher posts to ignore what you can't deal with, I would say to those who find their buttons being pushed enough to write a PM like that, that maybe they should take a step back also, we're here to share, we don't have to, if a post rubs you up the wrong way, move on.

Edit - Ok, there was a PM posted that I was responding to, it appears to have disappeared now. :s

cmc

When I was in the middle of things with an active addict I tried to break things down into categories in order to separate each issue. This way I could take an honest look at just what was going on. When I did that, I was able to get out of my emotions and look at it logically. This is how I found solutions.

I can't control what other people do. If somebody chooses to enable-for example to give or loan money- that has nothing to do with me.



Meetings, literature and coming here to find out what others have done, helped me to create a plan that worked for me.


When I figured out that what I was doing was not working and _also_ causing more pain for me I became more determined to change. It's called hitting bottom. The way I started was with small but sure steps and being consistent with a few, what I considered more minor issues. This brought me so much relief that it was easier with time to implement these recovery tools in other situations with the 'qualifier' and also in my entire life.

I can't say enough about the program of Al-Anon and Alateen, perhaps they will be useful for you and for Ryan too.

sodetermined

CMC,

I did attend 2 Al-Anon meetings and then quit going. I am not sure even why, for lack of a better way to describe it, just not motivated I guess.

I have been with Chris for 3 1/2 years, but am trying to break the pattern of codependency that has been with me since childhood. It is so hard, but believe it or not I am a lot better than I was even a year ago....I just seem to be slow at recovery, I make progress, then take some steps back.

I try telling myself...like tonight when I first posted and was feeling so scared about whether or not I could control my anger...that his addiction has nothing to do with me, and everythind to do with him and my reaction has everything to do with me and nothing to do with him.....but my emotions always seem to get the best of me....

This last break up with Chris was the first one in which I stuck to no contact, at least for a while. But Chris was with another woman, so he only tried to contact me a handful of times. Then, I don't know...he called one day...and it's like I lost all senses or something.....allowed him to have a chance to apologize. That was a mistake on my part.

Just gonna keep moving forward.....

hmbld

No, it reeks of judgement and arrogance. Essentially making ones self feel better by pointing fingers at someone else and being quite pleased that you're not nearly as screwed up as that person.

I was there myself once, I came on here years ago pointing fingers and telling people how pathetic they were because of their victim mentality and poor decisions. Boy did real life karma come around and point the mirror back at me and smack me into reality. Hence my new username "hmbld" as in "humbled".

historyteach

I just couldn't have said it better myself!
Thanks for sharing, PowerfulPink!!!
Hope to see more of you around these parts.
Your ESH is welcomed,
And needed!

Shalom!

DesertEyes

enough people. Everybody go outside and breath some fresh air for a day or two.

This thread is closed.

Mike