inahaze

Mine says I've always loved you

I'd do anything for you

I couldn't imagine my life without you

If you leave tomorrow I'll still love you no matter what.

I hear this all the time, I've always heard it. I always think to myself if you truly love me then why have you always treated me like this? Why do you always cycle back to where we are now? Why do you drink so much? Why do you hit the walls? Why do you scream at me? Why do you throw in a snice remark anytime you get a chance? Why do you throw a temper tantrum/have meltdowns around holidays, returns from vacations or big events? He says he loves us more than the beer and wouldn't lose his family over something so stupid, BUT he still drinks?

I know I've said things that I probably shouldn't have, but I think everyone does on accident. After all we're not perfect. I've never gone out of my way though to constantly belittle his family or throw in a snide/hurtful comment at any chance. I've brought up the past, but to me the past isn't the past if he's still actively drinking and speaking to me the way he does.

If this is love...............he can keep it. Me and the kids are better off without such a load of BS. Love doesn't make you feel like you have to hide your feelings, your thoughts, your money, your purchases. It doesn't make you hold your breath when you see a beer can. It doesn't make you feel that huge knot in your stomach when you have to tell your family that he's not coming for Christmas.

Barbara52

My xAH always swore he loved me. I think he did in the only way he was capable of doing so. Unfortunately, his love was not what I wanted or needed and I chose to leave and divorce him. Of course he then declared undying love for the next woman a couple of months later. And when that didn't work out, the next woman was a month after that.

xAH's definition of love is not the same as mine. Which is fine. I know now I deserve the kind of love that fits my definition.

Ago

Love is an action word...it has nothing to do with what comes out of one's mouth, but has everything to do with one's actions.

This most emphatically includes me in this equation as well.

Many people judge themselves by their intentions while the rest of the world judges them by their actions.

I have learned when "true love" is present (from peers, a support group, friends, family members, relationship) I never even question it, and I am also learning the times I do question "do they love me?" there is something about their actions that lead me to question that, and that is when, strangely and conversely enough, I need to redouble my efforts to focus on myself, and work on self care and nurturing, and not spend any of my time or energy asking myself "Does this person truly love me?" but work on my own recovery.

This is just for me, but like an alcoholic who questions "Am I an alcoholic?" realizing that normal people generally speaking don't ask themselves that question, every time in the recent past I have asked "Does this person truly love me?" the answer has been emphatically no and they have been extremely harmful to me.

This includes my mother, a sibling, and a recent relationship, they all mouthed the word over and over like some platitude thinking if they repeated it again and again it would lend it some power, when the truth of the matter is the way they treated me had nothing to do with "love" it had to do with me playing some sort of role to "fix" or "help" them no matter what the cost to me.

It took me a lot of years to truly understand "don't listen to what they say, watch their feet"

Truly though, and I can't emphasize this enough, when I finally started to ask that question is when I needed to go find help and learn how to focus on myself, because by then I was hurting and confused beyond comprehension.

"Pitiful and Incomprehensible demoralization" is the best description of that frame of mind I personally have seen coined.

juju

You deserve to be happy, peaceful, and content. Only you can take the action necessary to find it.

And you're right. None of that is love. At least not in my book. Love is sharing, kindness, thoughtfulness, openness.

denny57

It may be the best love he has to give. What matters is if that is enough for you.

MissFixit

This is a confusing statement for me right now. XABF used to tell me that he didn't think that I loved him. I did and tried every way to show him. It was never enough. He still doubted me and I still feel guilty about that. He says his new fiance apparently loves him whatever that means.

Ago

It means she still believes his bullsh1t

fuggetaboutit

Seren

Nice thread! Love is the intention to do god for the beloved. Just to share, a poem I really like:

Treasured Friend by Cherie Dawn Mills

You are my hope.
You meet me where I am,
and love me there--
not pushing, nor blaming,
but only rejoicing with me
or lending me your handkerchief.
You gently hold me earthbound
in the blackness of my fears,
or during my endangerment
from flights of fantasy.
You do not fear the depths of
my weakness, nor the heights
of my strength.
You ever see in me the wondrous
possibilities that my sins and sorrows
and daily concerns have caused
me to forget.
Your love empowers me to give my
love to others, to mold the dirty
clay of my feet into sparkling
angel's wings.

Barbara52

I have learned that even in the best of relationships (and Lord knows a relationship with an addict doesn't qualify as the best) there can be different definitions of what love is, how one shows love and what each person expects from the one they love or who loves them. The fact that the underlying definitions of love are differnt does not mean one is "better" than the other. It jsut means we have different points of view, experiences, life stories, capabilities, etc.

I did hear from my xAH that if I loved him I wouldn't leave him. He was wrong from my point of view. I knew I couldn't continue enabling him, that my needs weren't being met, that what we had together no longer met my defiition of what I wanted and needed from married love. But on some level, I still very much care for the man and want nothing but the best for him. His statements about me not loving him were another attempt to keep me where he wanted me, enabling him to live the life he was comfortable with.

MissFixit

L wanted me to accept his drinking. He said as long as he made attempts to quit that was good enough (he said I did not understand how hard he tried) and if I loved him I would wait. I did. Years passed and still he was drinking. Then came the verbal attacks and dramatic lying. I had to enforce a boundary. He went to another woman despite telling me to wait on him, not date anyone else and maintaining the future plans for our relationship.

GiveLove

I'm with Denny. Different people have different capacities for love. And love means different things to different people -- and there are as many definitions of it as there are human beings on this planet.

In one of Kurt vonnegut's books, there's a character who hates the way people parrot "i love you" over and over again, he says 'it's like someone has a roll of toilet paper with "i love you" printed on each square, and they just tear one off and hand it to you".

I'm not that cynical, but I do know that the only question that matters is whether someone's definition of love - and ability to love - is enough for ME. My life is the only one I can control

Define how you need to be loved, inahaze, and then decide whether you have it now or not.

And act accordingly.

IO Storm

Mine said those things..acted like that...but he was "sober."

Said.."no one can keep me away from you."

Scary..

That is not love...I left a year ago. Still have a knot in my stomach.

And I still am not ready for another relationship...11 years...a long time. I haven't

scratched the tip of the iceberg in working out "my part".."his part"..sheeeeeesh.

I don't have any answers...except..only you will know when your soul tells you

..."enough!"

Be safe hun.

prodigal

He said this, he said that ... and as Ago pointed out, the new woman in your ex's life is buying his b.s. That's what he fed you. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Love is a four-letter word. Nothing more. I heard all about how much I was loved. I was his "soul mate." He'd be happy with me even if we were living out on a curb or in a tree. Yeah, right.

I bought it. Then I got myself into a program. I sold it back to him and I'm glad I did.

embraced2000

love doesn't hurt, isn't mean and spiteful.

inahaze

I used to think that love was all about romance and what not when I was younger.

Now I think love in a long-term relationship is more of a serious best friend. Someone you can confide in, someone you can tell absolutely anything too. It's someone who you don't have to hide your money from. Someone who when if you saw a beer in their hand you know it would be their ONLY beer. That you could say something back to them without worry of persecution. It's someone that you can trust to be able to drive your children anywhere at any time. Love is someone who doesn't make your gut turn into a bundle of knots when you know they took a day off from work when you're home.(meaning you have to spend an entire day with them). It's someone that if they do the dishes for you that you won't have to worry about it being brought up later as ammo against you.

I could go on and on and on with this I think.

Laden101

WOW! This is a great thread...I have just had second thoughts (well maybe third, fourth, and so on) about if my abf really loves me the way he says he does. We have always said "I love you" before hanging up the phone with each other, until tonight. He was over at his buddies and didn't say it, so I called him on it and he said there were too many people around which has never been a problem. So that leads me to think there was a woman there that he didn't want her to hear him say it, yes I may be blowing that out of proportion. But that is what comes to mind, although I know he wouldn't cheat on me. This thread has made me question if it is just words that he is saying and that he doesn't really love me, or does he love me and doesn't know how to show me. Thanks for this tread and I hope that we all, if you haven't already, find out what love truly means to you.

embraced2000

a therapist for my xah once suggested a book for me to read about xah dx....borderline personalilty disorder.

it was called.......I HATE YOU!!!! please don't leave me.

scared the bejeezus outta me. but i thought my xah was DIFFERENT

he sure was different. not only an alcoholic but all this other stuff on top of it. many a's will say that mental illness's are brought out by the alcohol and go away when they get sober and work the program to the hilt. it may be true for most, but imo, there are many that truly have other very deep seated mental illnesses.

(i'm already ducking for the rotten fruit to be thrown at me)

Ago

There are some, mostly depression, but some narcissism, borderline personality disorders, Bipolar, toss in sexually abused children, or people normal in every other way...alcoholics are just like everyone else that way, a melting pot, toss in alcoholism on top of anything and it magnifies it 10x though IMO.

Some of us do end up pretty nice people though when sober, then some of us end up pretty nice people and end up dating one of these alcoholics and everything we ever did to someone gets done to us and we end up here....b1tching about alcoholics....

Some Irony there I suppose

denny57

It is possible to have both, especially if I remain open to what romance means to me.