DII

Hi All,

The Holiday's are a difficult time for the family's of A's. We have the tendency to use the Holiday to give gifts to make the families feel better about the suffering they endure living with an A and the A's tend to use the Holiday to give to make up for the pain they cause. This is confusing and manipulative for children who can't understand the difference.

My AW is in a recovery house since Thanksgiving week. I had to call the paramedics for a well check because she had been drinking mouthwash and would not get out of bed. They took her to the ER and then she found a recovery center. It's been five years of hell and she can still manipulate our 18 and 15 year old! Last Friday she took our 15 year old snowboarding with the her recovery group on a group sponsored trip. Of course the son comes back all excited and impressed with the younger members because they are so cool! I will be filing for divorce and custody this week. Enough insanity!

Most of all I feel she, and I by staying with her for the last five years, has completely screwed my boys ability to understand what a good relationship is, how and why to use alcohol and how to deal with addiction and relationships in which addiction is present. My 18 year old told me that even though there is no alcohol in the house and that I am pretty much a non-drinker that his Mom's behavior has affected his belief that using drugs and alcohol to have fun is something that all people do! He is against alcohol but feels it's okay to smoke marijuana because it won't be addicting! I am afraid for my kids and angry at my wife.

So, to sum up.....if not for you, the spouse or significant other of an A, then for your children....get away from an A and show, teach and model healthy relationships for your children!

Merry X-Mas to all!

BeyondBSC

Life should be easier.

Chrysalis123

Oh DII, I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand the pain and anger I think, because I am going through a similar experience...except I am the x-wife.
You know I am a teacher and the funny thing about teaching is I never know what the kids will take away from the experience. My view and their view are often different. I have been blown away several times when former students have contacted me a decade later to thank me for something. A few times these were THE most troubled kids. I think what affected them was the steady drip_ drip_ drip of my words, example, and caring for them because they don't thank me for improving their reading or math!! Sometimes I would get really angry at them, or their parents, or my administrators but that only made me get frazzled. So I would go back to my job and do it. It helped me to think of these kids as "part of the job" because then I could detach and just carry on without the emotional stuff getting in the way.

You will have that kind of impact on your kids too. You get to be around them way more than a teacher. Adolescence and all that may get in the way for a time but you won't know what your effort has accomplished until all those seeds have time to grow. All you can do my friend, is your best and after that it is out of your control. Your kids know what kind of Dad you are and from where I sit they are blessed to have you.

DII

Thanks Chrysalis! I know that it's the little things that matter. In today's society it is so had to get the important messages across! They get so many confusing and potentially hazardous messages from TV, Friends and in parents! I also know that I remember thinking that my parents told me the same things too! Am I that parent now! Wow, we do become our parents! In my home the dysfunction was verbal abuse. Angry and screaming Italian parents....east coast style! I remember at one point in my early teens I told myself that I wouldn't become my parents....and for the most part I learned from that experience and have not become them in that way. I also see one of my siblings live through the same experience to BECOME my angry parents! I guess it's an individual thing.....you just feel helpless when you are the parent to know you can do the best you can and your children will choose their own path.

Thanks!