winnie12

My daughter and i had our first visit with AS in rehab. The chain of events was:
1. i didnt know you were bringing me food - i'm not hungry - i already ate this same thing for lunch - why did you do this mom? (oh well dont eat it then)
2. have you called my ex gf, have you called my dad, have you called my dad's girlfriend, have you called my friends, do you know if my dad is out of jail - i'm so worried about him and love him and want to see him - its really making everything hard and you dont understand mom, i.e., if you had done these things i wouldnt feel like this. (no - not my responsibility)
3. will you sneak my ex gf in? (no)
4. bring me more clothes, buy me some books/magazine, bring me photos - here's a list of what i want you to bring/buy me before sunday's visit. (i'll do what i can)
5. why didnt you bring my guitar (then two minutes later) I dont want my guitar up here. (whatever)
6. we dont have school here like they told you mom - i just play video games instead (i dont believe you) - he made a point to tell me several other things about the facility that i was wrong about.
7. I like AA meetings but i'm not going to do all the workbooks to move up levels. (then you wont get out)
8. After giving me my directives for the next week he says, You can just leave now mom. (fought the urge to call him a selfish little punk and instead left went to my car with my daughter and she and i both screamed in frustration)

He didnt ask how his sister and i were - He didnt say he loved us even though he told us how much he loved other people and missed them - made it very clear that these other people were what he needed and not us (to which i said "well they're not here and we are." He didnt thank me for the medical supplies or all the snacks that I brought up to him (diabetics have to lots of snacks available) - just told me i needed to do more for him.

I didnt not expect overnight changes - But i didnt raise my child to be so rude. If he expects me to bring him things (even if i dont have to buy them) then i expect - no I demand - that a minimum he says please and thank you.

I really dont want to go back and see him until we have counseling together but that could be weeks. I have to decide about visiting tomorrow (which he is expecting) and i dont know what to do. I dont mind bringing him things he wants that i dont have to buy (clothes) but i just cant allow him to treat me like his personal slave anymore. Why does this make me so angry still?

BellasNona

Addicts don't care to much about anything but themselves. Their unclear thinking is disturbing, but it does clear up, give it time. My husband wrestled me to the ground for the last bit of coke I found on him. He does recognize that he could have hurt me, but still isn't showing any remorse for his actions. It takes alittle time for that to set in. Don't go back til your ready. Being there isn't going to change anything, but giving him a chance to put it on you. Take care of yourself first, it makes you stronger for whats to come. Thoughts and Prayers

wenchris

My AS could be your AS, no matter whose son they are, they have made similarities and you should not feel alone. I continue to read about the addicts brain so I can maintain my glimmer of understanding. My AS, also, treats me as though I am the one who let him dwn when I am the one who has tried the hardest but it has worked for him. I am happy to hear your strength, you should be very proud of youself. My daughter (4 years younger than AS) has maintained a responsible self-directed course and does well. Sometimes I think she is trying so hard to either make up for her brother's pain or prove herself unaffected that she has given up some of the lightheartedness and fun a young lady deserves. I am so proud of her. I hope your daughter is doing okay, too.

winnie12

Oh my you are living my life - you poor thing
My daughter is 11 - straight A's, student counsel, has a college plan already and is actually working towards that dream. The polar opposite of my son (at least it gives me hope that his problems arent my fault). She is so driven but deep down inside i see such sadness in her. I try to spend as much free time with her as I can and have had her in counseling. she starts alateen this week. She is so much like me and when things are swirling around us we find something we can control - for her its school for me its work. But its not the childhood i wanted for her - she deserved so much more than this. If you saw the movie "sophie's choice" that's what i felt like i've dealt with - I had to choose a child to protect. I have firmly decided that she is the one i have to protect because she is innocent in all of this and if that means that her brother had to leave this home then i was willing to do that - and did. I love them both equally but sometimes the deserving child should get the attention over the disfunctional child.

beegee

I wouldn't go, I waited a few weeks before I visited my daughter in rehab feeling unsure. She seemed happy at the time but when I listen to her now, she talks about how much her sister did for her? Her sister didn't have time to visit (working) except for the therapy visit.
Your son is an addict and they say and do things you never taught him to do. Try to remember it isn't him being rude to you. I feel your pain.
Spend the extra time with your daughter, I am sure she will enjoy you and you her. Let Dad show up and get smacked a few times...(((hugs))))

marle

Sending some hugs. I went through the rehab, halfway house visits a few months ago. I had to work really hard to hold on to my serenity and not get caught up in her addict crap. Hugs, Marle

winnie12

His dad (aka the hero) is in jail for multiple dui's. apple doesnt fall far from the tree does it?
sad thing is i really am all he has and i'm the one he is abusive to. I dont expect a teenager to see this. maybe if I back off from visiting all the time he'll at least start treating me with some respect. I know he wants me to come see him, and i know that he hasnt accepted my new way (the non-codie way) but hopefully in time it will sink in that if he wants people in his life then he needs to treat them decently. the way he treats his mom is how he will probably treat his wife and no woman should be treated like that.

Freedom1990

I feel your pain.

I will never forget when my youngest AD, then 15, finally ran away with a 24 year old predator.

She ended up a ward of the state and was in a juvenile lockdown facility for 60 days, 3 hours from where I lived.

I visited once a month, and it was painful at best. She was still in the old mindset, disrespectful, and mouthy.

I never ever thought we would get past that. She had been in a very good foster home for about 6 months before I started seeing the changes in her.

It ended up being an experience that we both benefited from greatly.

You are not alone! :ghug

wenchris

The apple and the tree? My AS biological father lost his parental rights for refusal to seek treatment for substance abuse, his GF biological mother is not allowed to see the grandboy's (and they are grand!!!) because her legal records show child neglect charges. And now here they are, lost their kid's for the exact same reasons.

winnie12

it always reminds me of the bible verse that talks about the sins of the father being passed to the son.
Or if you prefer science over religion you could just call this genetics. (i do find it humerous when science proves a biblical concept.)

outtolunch

Count me as another who would not return, for awhile.

His choice to behave like a spoiled brat. His consequence.

Your choice to spoil the brat. Your consequence.

You decide.


( I know the routine too well. Been there/done this and walked away when I had enough).

winnie12

I think i have a good resolution. His dad's GF is going to go instead of me. She's going to pick up some clothes from me he wanted and take them to him tomorrow. (he gets a visit, some of the clothes he wants and all his questions about his dad's legal problems answered and i dont have to do anything or subject myself to his abuse twice in one weekend.)

I'm sure the next thing i'll hear is a guilt trip about how I didnt come and visit but I really dont care - if he treated me better i would want to visit. Why would anyone want to spend their sunday afternoon with someone trying to make them feel bad? I like to spend my time with people who make me feel good.

wenchris

Very Good! Applause!

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

I'm glad you found an alternate to go for you. If he tries to lay the guilt trip on you, I would just give it right back to him....tell him why you didn't want to come back right away.

My niece, Brit, is 15, and lives with us. She's not an A, but she darn sure has the attitude! She was in a phase where she was cussing and screaming at everyone in the house. At first, I gave it right back to her, and that got us nowhere, except I would be shaking in anger.

After paying more attention to the great people here, I just started ignoring her (my stepmom is her guardian and Brit doesn't know the meaning of the words "no" or "consequences" so that's the only choice I have).

I would not even speak to her for a while. I had promised to take the family out to eat, dad brought it up, and I told him I didn't want to take Brit because of the way she was acting. He later told her about it, and for some reason, it clicked in her brain.

I don't believe that I'm so powerful that I made her change, but I do know we normally have a really good relationship and she SAW the consequences of her actions.

I did what I did for MY serenity, but it helped her to see that she can't just talk to me any way and I'm just going to take it.

Your son is going to lash out at you, unfortunately, because you're the "safe one"....he knows you are going to love him no matter what. He will focus on others (who are now unavailable) because he takes you for granted. My niece no longer takes me for granted, because I'm the only one who will stand up to her, and she has more respect for me.

I can imagine the fact that he's young, is a diabetic, AND an addict makes it even harder, but I am so glad that you are realizing that you still have to take care of YOU first. He's where he needs to be, and he has to learn that it's not all fun and games to be in rehab.

You did good, mom.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chino

He resents his need for you and that's why he abuses you. He's too immature to realize it now but at some point he will. You're pretty much all he has in the way of stability but you aren't everything he wants nor will you ever be.

I remember the moment I understood my daughter's animosity; it was several months ago and right after a session with my therapist. I had been talking about my relationship with my parents when I was younger, that when I was in my early 20's I finally accepted them for who they were, human 'limitations' and all. They could never be everything for me. Doesn't matter that my dad had told me that a million times before, I had to accept it on my own time frame.

When my daughter was in rehab, there came a moment when I finally got to express that. I told her we accepted her as the individual she is, no more preconceived ideas of what she should be. I said if she was going to take that acceptance from us, she had to give us the same thing in return. If she continued to have issues with it, they were her issues and she had to work through them just like the rest of us.

The light bulb came on. The other day, when she had a brief moment struggling with it, she stopped and said she had to work through it on her own.

Your son is in the best place for that aha moment. When it happens, the resentment will turn to gratitude.

Ongoing serenity and sobriety prayers for you and your son.

mooselips

Winnie,
Good choice. Stay away from him for a long while, let him get some recovery in him, and you might start to see a difference.

Thee's no law that says you have to go visit a disrespectful son.


Hugs........

ZombieWife

I wonder if it's just addict's thinking sometimes? The selfishness, the always looking a gift horse in the mouth. My husband and I will see a movie and there's always (and I mean always) something he has to complain about afterwards. No restaurant is ever good enough. There's always "something" wrong--too much ice in his drink, not enough ice in his drink. We'll get a free gift and something will be wrong with it. He just doesn't have a lot of thankfulness about things at times. I don't mean to be a wet blanket and let people walk all over you. Heavens no, but I finally brought this up to him, that nothing was ever good enough. He was always complaining about something to me.

Yet, when he would talk to his friends or about his friends--they were perfect. Nothing was ever wrong. He gets it now and he tries and I can see that. It just kind of struck me as interesting. Maybe addicts have this in common?

As for your situation, I think it's awesome how you handled it. If he asks, I would just explain to him what you explained to us. Spell it all out. He'll probably get defensive, blame you for being there, but maybe it will plant a seed that will someday grow into a realization.

We're all young and we do stupid things, but I remember things that people told me from long long ago. It may take years.

Hangin' In

Oh Winnie, this reminds me of the time Mr. Hangin' and I had the pleasure of attending "family week" at my daughter's rehab. Well, it came to what they called Resentment Day and, whoa nellie, did she ever let the blaming and disrespect fly. Thank goodness I had been to Al Anon and had some recovery under my belt. Otherwise she just might not be around today!

There was a family counselor refereeing...uh, I mean leading the session. And when my daughter started in on what WE NEEDED to do FOR HER and WE NEEDED to do this and WE NEEDED to do that, the family counselor said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your parents don't need to do anything. YOU NEED to take care of ...(whatever it was.)" Still makes me smile to this day. I wanted to say, "You tell her, sister!"

I'm 6 years down the road now and so is my AD who is in recovery. It took a very long time for her to start maturing and realizing that the world did not revolve around her. And I had to admit that I had helped make her that spoiled brat. (And it took me a while to realize that I, too, needed to do some changing.)

Just remember recovery is a process for both you and your son. Just keep reading here and listening to the wise people who are making it. And if you don't already attend face to face meetings, I'd highly recommend them. They, and this board, helped save my sanity (and my AD's life ... I was a bit of a fiesty thing pre recovery... )

Hugs and prayers. Hang in. You'll get better each day you work on yourself.

Hangin' In

sleepygoat

When we went to visit my AD in treatment the one time before she left, the family cousleor led a session first for the families only. He said, basically, if they give you attitude leave immediately and take the [cigarettes, food, clothes, books, etc]. but first, tell them their attitude is unaceptable and you will not return until it changes. Very simple.

he also pointed out that most of the patients in rehab, when this is done, will beg a counselor to call their family members, appolgize and promise not to act that way again.

but if he acts that way again, repeat original instructions!!

when I was a young clueless spoiled brat in treatment (and after) I treated my parents the same way. It wasn't until THEY told me it was not OK that I even thought about it at all.

BigSis

Winnie, your post sort of triggered me. When my kid was in rehab, the first time and the second time, especially. I got such a "good mommie" hit for driving 150 miles one-way - every week. And bringing her extra stuff for her "room" and slippers and jammies. No food was allowed, or I would have brought enough for the whole freakin' facility.

And I got treated badly, as well.

Followed by a ton of "sorry's", but still, next time around - blah, blah, blah.

Best thing I did was up an leave only 45 minutes into the visit during one of her tirades. It ain't about her WANTS. She had been getting all her WANTS all along. In fact, her WANTS were part of the problem, as was my need to fill those desires and my guilt when I felt inadequate at doing so.

That was four years ago. Today, she is in jail... at least for a little while. Which gives me much relief. Today, we block the jail phone. And didn't accept her calls to cell phones. And so far, she has not found anyone to throw her $150 bail. So she sits in there. No coffee. No salt or pepper. Only limited television. Too bad.

But these are HER life lessons to learn. And just as I couldn't keep running behind the two-wheeler bike when she was learning to ride that, I can no longer keep running behind her in her addiction. My kid has GOT to learn to stand on her own two feet, support herself and the two children she has created and become a functioning member of society.


All my "help" is only making that harder for her.


I wish your son the best, and hope the next visit goes well. Alanon helped me to become a stronger mom, and I hope you can find some meetings in your area to help you as well.