Spiritual Seeker

Winnie,
Sounds like even though your son is physically at the rehab, his recovery hasn't started yet. My AS has been at his rehab for 8 mos.
It took a good four months before he actually started working at recovery.
His rehab only allows parent visits once every three mos.

It also sounds like you have some recovery of your own. Focusing on your own recovery from this family disease and your daughter is a
good thing at this stage. Funny thing when we learn to take our own inventory and work on ourselves, often there is a ripple effect in the family.
My son told his sponsor recently that I have a black belt in al-anon.
Yes, I do and it was hard-earned with lots of practice.

Please keep sharing your experience, strength and hope.

It is not easy having an addict child. Sometimes we have to detach with love.

winnie12

Thank you all so much - i cant tell how much it helps to know that others have gone through things and i'm not alone. You all survived these demoralizing events in your life and i thank you for sharing - gives me hope that i can too.

My AS did call me last night - very different tone. I suspect he had some sort of counseling and discussed this because he came across very differently. How are you mom, i love you mom, when are the best times in your schedule that I can call mom, I'll just wait for the things i asked for until later. Then he asked to speak to his sister and said similar things to her.

That was very nice to hear but i'm still not going back for a week - I think jumping back in too quickly will just keep the games going. His dad's gf will go today - the next visit is halloween and that night is already reserved for his sister. she comes first and he did say he understood that.

I'm thinking that i'm going to have to teach him a new way to relate to me. I cant blame him totally when its been me jumping in and doing summersaults all his life thinking I was capable of giving him happiness. So we'll take time and hopefully in time he'll see that his Mom has changed and if he wants me in his life he has to treat me with dignity. He doesnt have to change for me to love him, he doesnt even have to stay clean for me to love him - I'll always love him - but if he wants a real relationship with me then he has to respect me as a person.

I know my son loves me but i'm hoping that in time he'll stop confusing that with his need of me to give him things that i have no control over, i.e., his sobriety, his happiness, his problems, his pain. I want to walk with him through this and stop carrying him - his load is just too heavy for me.

beegee

(((Winnie)))
I am going to copy your post to remind myself of your words. It just touched me. That last paragraf was beautiful.....

Ann

I don't have much to add after reading this wonderful thread, just wanted to stop and say thank you to all who posted so far.

It was hard for me to establish and enforce boundaries about how I would allow myself to be treated and how I would not, but it is one of the best things I ever did. People pretty much treat us how we let them and today people either treat me with respect or exit promptly.

I think your son is learning valuable lessons from you, these lessons serve the student and the teacher both.

Hugs

krhea75

I know my son loves me but i'm hoping that in time he'll stop confusing that with his need of me to give him things that i have no control over, i.e., his sobriety, his happiness, his problems, his pain. I want to walk with him through this and stop carrying him - his load is just too heavy for me.

Love these lines, winnie! I needed to remember this!
krhea

sistergldnhair

Winnie, this goes for me too. I could never have said it better. If you don't mind I might use them in a letter I've got to write to my AS. He's going to call me this week, through his counselor, and she had confronted him last week about why he hasn't written. She said he loves me, but it seems the relationship is unbalanced, as I have been sending cards and stuff, and he has to begin to show concern for me. Let's hope the call goes that way.

Your are doing AMAZING.

Eileen

winnie12

Of course you may Eileen - We're all in this together.

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

I just wanted to say I think you are an awesome mom, and I'm SO glad you found SR because you've become another one of my idols here

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

caileesnana

I can't really add anything to what has been said except it will get better and then get worse. It takes a while, a long while, for the behavior to change.

I struggle w/ the ignoring part also!

sa

Latte

winnie, have you gotten involved in any family groups? I know that my rehab offered them and while my husband didn't attend, I did. I learned so much about family dynamics. That was really eye opening (as far as your daughter).

I was sick, until I got really clean and started working my program, I was horribly irrational. Thank goodness for my sponsor or I would have done some really crazy things, even once I was clean.

My thoughts are with you.

winnie12

Latte, We've been in family therapy for about a year through the drug court program he was in - our counselor really helped me get to the place i am now and taught me a lot about detachment. The facility will be scheduling some family therapy after he gets adjusted but it will be a few weeks. I'll be going to an alanon meeting tonite and my daughter to alateen.

HurtingDad

Winnie, not much I can add to the wise advice that's been posted already. You seem to be making the right choices not to let your son abuse you. He loves you in his own way which hopefully will be straightened out.

Prayers to you and your family.