krhea75

My 18 year old son goes to jail a week from Monday. He will be in there for 60 days because of a probation violation. He will get work release and school release, so he thinks it will be a piece of cake. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time with it. I did call my dr. and upped my antidepressant because I couldn't stop crying (I had recently been trying to cut back on it because things were better, ha!)

The increased meds helped,but I still find myself struggling. I try to stay busy and not think about it, living in the day, reading on this forum. But I am so hurt and disappointed. What parent in their right mind wants this for their child? And yet I know it is what he needs. I'm afraid the stress is going to kill me, though.

I feel disappointed with myself. I have handled some pretty tough things in ife (being molested as a child, divorced from a gay man, son's four year addiction) and now I seem to be falling apart.

I love God and always believed he was part of every situation. But I don't know anymore. Where have my prayers gone? I see so many of you on this site face horrible things and keep moving and believing and saying the mantras....you didn't cause it, you can't cure it; one day at a time, etc.
but i'm not sure I can do this anymore.

Any words of advice or support? i could use them today.
krhea

winnie12

The problem is when i dont think God's plan is fitting into my plan. His way obviously includes your son going to jail and from experience sometimes that is the best thing. He says its easy (so did mine) so why did my AS get so upset when he knew he was going back? Answer is beccuse its not as easy as they say to us - its just part of the game they play. The first time my son was in jail i was an emotional wreck - by the fourth time i was able to say it was his problem and not mine. At least i knew he was safe and not using in jail - i slept better and actually worried less about him. Our court counselor told me to look at the jail time as a break from the worrying about my son. So for a few months i didnt have to worry if he was dead or alive or when the phone call would come from the hospital or worse.

Pray for peace with the plan that God has for you and your son. I found this in the oddest places - strangers on the street who just started talking to me for no reason - signs i would see, little things in life that reminded me that God's got my back. He will remind us of his love but sometimes we have to be still, listen, and be willing to accept that his way is the best way even if its not our way. Remember he loves your son even more than you do.

wenchris

Accepting what we cannot change is difficult. Mom's are always incredibly hard on themselve. If someone had written a book on how to be a perfect Mom, they would be a triple billionaire. But they haven't. Look what happened in the late 1950's, everyone worshiped Dr. Spock's book and we ended up with a bunch oh Hippie's and I don't eeven want to go from then to now.

You, as many of us, will put one foot in front of the other today and again tomorrow. Know that we are with you and come find the board's when you need strength

beegee

krhea,
It sounds like your really hurting and just down. We moms just really get so emotional, I think that is why were the mom's!
Yo have to grab something positive out of this ordeal. At least he is safe and can go to school or work. Jail doesn't sound good to any of us but these kids seem to end up there with their choices. He may think it is a piece of cake but I bet he isn't feeling that inside.
I have no idea but would think having to go back to jail everyday is a no fun situation yet for him it is a good thing. He can think about his choices, maybe see the light.
I feel for you and please don't give up, your just overwhelmed with all this and need go to some meetings maybe. Use this time to get yourself stronger. Prayer and hugs to you.

marle

It is a grief process. I found that when I let my daughter go, I had to grieve the end of the relationship, the end of my dreams. She is still trying to convince herself that she is okay. I see some forward movement but a lot of addict behavior still. Your son is in a good place, and he has his HP to hold on to him. Do what you need to do. Don't be afraid of the sadness because I have found that it feels really bad at the beginning but does ease with time. Stay in touch with your doctor. Do you go to meetings or are you seeing someone one on one. It did help me. Hugs, Marle

Hangin' In

Krhea,

I understand. I'm the mom of an AD who had to come to a point of acceptance that "it is what it is" as my sponsor says. Acceptance was very hard for me, but once I realized that it was either that or die from grief, anger, resentment, and a broken heart, I chose the acceptance. Now what I have to do is to decide I can either make the best of it by getting the focus on me and trying to make my life better or I can stay focused on my AD and all the things that she has done or the things she isn't doing right.

When I focus on my AD, my serenity goes right out the window. I've learned through recovery that when my mind does start to go there, the obsessive thinking of what she should be doing or shouldn't have been doing, or could be doing or....on and on and on, I have to stop it. I tell myself it does me no good, only ruins the good of today. I just don't want that anymore. The recovery I've gained through face to face meetings, along with this board, has helped me recognize those obsessive thoughts right when they start. Now I'm pretty good at stopping them at the get go, thus I don't get sucked down by them.

I also practice staying in the day. I don't go to the future because I truly do not know what that brings. We really do NOT know what is going to happen. I was the queen of awfulizing, just knew it was going to be bad, whatever happened. Again, recovery has taught me that awfulizing only ruins my good day. I refuse to do that anymore. And I don't go pulling up the past because that is exactly what it is ... the past. We can't change it so there is no need to drag it up again. I try to focus on this one day, see the good in it and enjoy it. That might mean simple things like watching the birds on the bird feeder, or call or go visit someone. Nothing like doing something for someone else to get ME out of MYSELF. Anything to force my mind to focus on something good instead of worrying about my AD. The saying, "Move a muscle, change a mood" comes to mind, also.

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers, Krhea. God does have a good plan for your son. Never doubt that. But your son has a free will and he has to work through this in his and his HP's timing. We moms know that if it were up to us, we'd have this thing cured by now. But God's ways are not our ways. I HAVE to trust Him because otherwise I'd have no hope. And there IS hope.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

sleepygoat

Who says surrender and acceptance equal no feelings?

Its OK to be really sad while you work thru this. You will grow and reach a place of greater acceptance, but it takes whatever it takes to get their.

justjo

Hi krhea
I have experienced your pain and it hurts. My life has been hurtful too. The only advice I can offer is this. I stopped asking myself 'the why's, what ifs, maybe's and took a great leap over the rainbow.
Slowly I left all the pain behind by looking forward and focussing on what I needed. As guilty as I felt doing that, I just reminded myself that no one was looking after me, so why was I fussing over them. By doing this, everyone started noticing that I just didnt care anymore, therefore, they had to fend for themselves.
My eldest son loved drugs and alcohol and he became a person I didnt even know. I could actually say I didnt like him and I didnt want him in my home. How could a mother say that about her son. What I told myself was this.... Would I put up with this from someone I didnt know? No way!! I know when it is your son, it hurts big time. We want the best for them, to do well, be happy and not get in any trouble. You see, I believe I taught my son to be irresponsible because I gave him everything he wanted. Always got him out of his troubles. It was the worst thing I could have done.
Try to be strong and turn the other way. I told my son that I did not want to see him in his addiction at all and not to ask me for anything.
I told him that when my son decides to come back to this earth and be the son that I know, I will gladly be there. The person he was (I didnt know and like) therefore leave me alone.
He tried to make me feel so guilty, poor me etc etc. ( I cried myself to sleep) but I had to be strong for him. Now he is becoming the adorable son I remember. Once he realized he was on his own and that the drug addict friends he was with werent going to bail him out and werent really his true friends, his recovery commenced.
Love JJ

Ann

(((Krhea)))

It isn't easy being the mom of an addict and my heart and prayers go out for you.

Something that I learned along the way was that I could suffer and die in my son's disease...and that still would not save him...or I could learn to live a healthy life in my recovery.

The God of my understanding gave me a gift called life, and I have already squandered years of it living in my codpendency and I try not to waste a single day today. Worrying about tomorrow will not change the outcome for me and will take my focus off the joy of today.

It is good that you are aware of these sad feelings, and it's normal to feel sad under these circumstances. Maybe just try not to hang out there too long, and know that we're all walking with you through this.

Hugs

krhea75

Thank you all for your encouraging words. how many times have I come here and heard what I've needed to hear? Too many to remember. I am doing better today, not really sure why, but i'm taking it as it comes. In church today a verse stood out to me "Be still and know that I am God." it's one i've heard so many times, but it seemed to be in bold print for me! I need to be still, let it go and know that God is God. Thanks again for the prayers and thoughtful words. today I am doing okay.
krhea

mooselips

It's all going to be okay.

itisatruth

Glad you're feeling better and that you heard what you needed.

Like moose said......

you have been through much already, you can and will do this too.....one day, one moment at a time

Keep what you heard this morning close,
Big hugs --

Impurrfect

(((Krhea)))

I'm sorry I'm late on this, but glad you're feeling better today. I know that when I come here and I'm struggling, just knowing my HP and my friends care about me makes me feel better.

I agree with the above...don't be hard on yourself because you're feeling down. I know that when I'm down, I tend to think I'm not working my recovery right. It's slowly sinking in that I'm human, and I'm going to have down days. I'm obviously not a fast learner at some of this recovery stuff

I'm glad you heard what you needed to hear today, and I don't think it's a coincidence.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sistergldnhair

I'm glad your doing better today. I am a mom also, and I know that I felt/feel as you. Sometimes I could just sit and bawl my eyes out. I am learning that I need to take each day as it comes. One day at a time, just like he must do.

littlebird77

My boyfriend went to jail a month ago, and all of us, me, his mother, his father and the boyfriend are all sleeping sooo much better. You realize that when your son is in jail, he will never die of a drug overdose, he will never get high for sixty days!!! try to see this as a blessing. You son will have three square meals, and be soOOOoooo bored that he will want to go to meetings just to pass the time, and God willing, maybe he will pick up a few things in those meetings. See the glass as half full, because this is such a blessing.

outtolunch

Please be careful with your meds. Lots of parents end up with their own substance issues, while medicating themselves during times like this.

Try to focus on how he is in a safe place, now and for today, that's good enough.

krhea75

Thanks for the warning about the meds. I did check with my doctor before I went back to the dose I had been on previously. So I'm good. I didn't think that they would be an instant fix, and it wasn't. I just needed to function without bawling my eyes out at the drop of a hat.

Thanks for the line impurrfect about how we expect ourselves to be perfect and we need to let ourselves be human. I tend to do this to myself all the time. What makes me think that i have to always be in control? As is obvious, it's not working.
Also little bird, of course I know you're right. He will be away from the friends he loves so dearly. He will have time to clear his head.

thanks again for words that mean so much and help me clarify my thoughts.
krhea

hope213

i feel your pain & i understand your pain. have faith, things are as they should be. you are so right no mother wants their chid in jail. it hurts me deeply my son will b in prison for no less than 71/2 yrs. he did not kill any one, he used & drove a car. i pray for him every morning & have lost all the faith in him but not hope. there is a reason for this. turn your son over to his h.p. we can not live their life. just let him know you love him. you have got to learn to live with this going on in order foreyour to be happy. maybe all of this will let him know at an early age using is not worth the price he is paying. my prayers for are going up for him & for you.. big hugs,

baxter

Glad to hear the this day is going better. Somedays it's hard to stay off that roller coaster ride.

Hugs

caileesnana

K--

I don't think any of us wanted this for our kids. It hurts like hell, but there is hope. This board is full or those that made it and moms like us who still struggle together.

susan