I'm such a mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
I'm such a mess
Hi everyone
This is my first time here, I wish I would have thought to look for a place like this a long time before, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here sobbing right now.
I told my husband to leave yesterday. We've been together 10 years and he has been an alcoholic since the beginning, I just didn't realize it.
My heart is breaking. I look at my bed and cry, hear a song or see a show and cry, I want him to hold me so bad I can't stand it......but not the him he is when he drinks, which is every day, just not until noon. Oh I want to be strong enough for this to hopefully allow him to see things differently
This is my first time here, I wish I would have thought to look for a place like this a long time before, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here sobbing right now.
I told my husband to leave yesterday. We've been together 10 years and he has been an alcoholic since the beginning, I just didn't realize it.
My heart is breaking. I look at my bed and cry, hear a song or see a show and cry, I want him to hold me so bad I can't stand it......but not the him he is when he drinks, which is every day, just not until noon. Oh I want to be strong enough for this to hopefully allow him to see things differently
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sorry you are in pain right now. You made a very difficult choice. But now you can take this time and take care of yourself. Do reading on the subject of alcoholics and those involved with them. Read about being codependent. Figure out what you want for you r life going forward.
Keep your focus on you. You cannot change your AH, or control him or cure him. Only he can do that. But you can learn to live a healthier life, whether that ends up including your AH or not. Life can get better.
Keep your focus on you. You cannot change your AH, or control him or cure him. Only he can do that. But you can learn to live a healthier life, whether that ends up including your AH or not. Life can get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Bumyd, I'm so sorry. I know how much this hurts (believe me...I do!)
It seems to be one of those (stupid) unwritten cosmic laws: Sometimes doing the RIGHT thing is also the HARD thing.
Know that you are among friends here, people who've been through the same feelings you're suffering right now. Take extra-special-gentle care of yourself right now, as though you were caring for a delicate flower (which you are). Try to stay busy with things you love doing. Be with people who help lift you up, and NO ONE who brings you down. Read the other materials on this site -- the stickies up at the top, especially, helped me a lot.
You can pour your feelings out here too. Sometimes that kind of venting helps to release some of the pressure we build up inside when we don't have a support group for a long time.
Sending you hugs and strength to continue to do what's right for you, even if (at first) it hurts.
:ghug3
GL
It seems to be one of those (stupid) unwritten cosmic laws: Sometimes doing the RIGHT thing is also the HARD thing.
Know that you are among friends here, people who've been through the same feelings you're suffering right now. Take extra-special-gentle care of yourself right now, as though you were caring for a delicate flower (which you are). Try to stay busy with things you love doing. Be with people who help lift you up, and NO ONE who brings you down. Read the other materials on this site -- the stickies up at the top, especially, helped me a lot.
You can pour your feelings out here too. Sometimes that kind of venting helps to release some of the pressure we build up inside when we don't have a support group for a long time.
Sending you hugs and strength to continue to do what's right for you, even if (at first) it hurts.
:ghug3
GL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
(((((Bumyd)))))
Welcome to SR. It has helped me so much. I hope it helps you too.
I am very, very sorry. You took a great step for you, though it may not feel like it now. I hurt and grieved for what I had lost, when I no longer lived with my AH. It could have been a Disney song, and it would have made me cry. I had lived with him for 10 years before discovering his addiction. I took it minute by minute. Then, hour by hour. Then, day by day.
I read through the posts and pick what is useful for me - and there is so much. The people here understand the pain, have experienced it, and are so much stronger. They inspire me when it hurts or when I am down and confused. They celebrate happy times when I didn't see them right in front of me, too.
Peace
Welcome to SR. It has helped me so much. I hope it helps you too.
I am very, very sorry. You took a great step for you, though it may not feel like it now. I hurt and grieved for what I had lost, when I no longer lived with my AH. It could have been a Disney song, and it would have made me cry. I had lived with him for 10 years before discovering his addiction. I took it minute by minute. Then, hour by hour. Then, day by day.
I read through the posts and pick what is useful for me - and there is so much. The people here understand the pain, have experienced it, and are so much stronger. They inspire me when it hurts or when I am down and confused. They celebrate happy times when I didn't see them right in front of me, too.
Peace
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I used to wish my boyfriend would see things differently, too. But then one day it hit me: I could take the hard road and wait for him to open his eyes, or I could take the easy road and simply open mine.
Alanon and SR helped me keep the focus on myself so I could see things more clearly.
Alanon and SR helped me keep the focus on myself so I could see things more clearly.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, bumyd, glad you're here!
I finally woke up and realized I could not expect or ask another to change if I wasn't ready to do it myself. Things do get better; unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight.
Keep posting! ((( )))
I finally woke up and realized I could not expect or ask another to change if I wasn't ready to do it myself. Things do get better; unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight.
Keep posting! ((( )))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Thank you all for your kind words.
In all honesty, I'm not feeling any better this morning. The routine stuff.....This is the first wrokday that I haven't had his coffee ready or cloths out.
Last night my oldest son...13 saw me crying...and he started crying, I figured he was going to say he was upset because of the new change....but he was crying because I was upset...he said he didn't like seeing me cry.....wow this is just so hard
In all honesty, I'm not feeling any better this morning. The routine stuff.....This is the first wrokday that I haven't had his coffee ready or cloths out.
Last night my oldest son...13 saw me crying...and he started crying, I figured he was going to say he was upset because of the new change....but he was crying because I was upset...he said he didn't like seeing me cry.....wow this is just so hard
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
bumyd,
I'm not sure how much I can help, accept to tell you that I am crying right there with you, and that you are not alone. You can read my post from the weekend, I just asked my ABF of 3 1/2 years to leave....it is VERY hard, but I keep hearing that it is necessary to go through this pain/darkness to get to the happiness/light. I very much missed him this morning because we ride to work together, and we always stop to get coffee/soda in the morning, we had this routine, it was very comfortable. I am completely out of my comfort zone right now and I'm scared as heck.
:ghug3 Hang in there, feel free to send me a pm anytime!!!
I'm not sure how much I can help, accept to tell you that I am crying right there with you, and that you are not alone. You can read my post from the weekend, I just asked my ABF of 3 1/2 years to leave....it is VERY hard, but I keep hearing that it is necessary to go through this pain/darkness to get to the happiness/light. I very much missed him this morning because we ride to work together, and we always stop to get coffee/soda in the morning, we had this routine, it was very comfortable. I am completely out of my comfort zone right now and I'm scared as heck.
:ghug3 Hang in there, feel free to send me a pm anytime!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Thank you soconfused.
I tried to send a pm...I haven't been here long enough too yet...Your message does offer comfort. I hate that you or anyone else has to feel the way I m now, but to know that I'm not completly alone does help some...so thank you
I tried to send a pm...I haven't been here long enough too yet...Your message does offer comfort. I hate that you or anyone else has to feel the way I m now, but to know that I'm not completly alone does help some...so thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((bumyd))) No, you are not alone. This is the hardest thing I've ever done as well. You've been with your AH for a long time, and it's hard to make the changes necessary to live a healthy life. It's scary. But- it can be done. My STBXAH left us (me and dd) over a year ago. I am just beginning to really believe that I am better off without him. That's over a year of coming here for support, going to alanon, reading, journaling, counseling- all for ME. You cannot control what you AH does. I hope you will continue to come here for support, and maybe try some other ways of getting stronger. I see you have a teenage son- maybe alateen for him? Take care.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
((((hugs))))
I am so sorry for your pain. I understand. My husband and I have also split. We were together for over eight years, and I did so much with him and for him that I was (and still am--but getting better) unable to distinguish where he ended and I began. Their lives become our lives. Their hurts, our hurts. Their dreams become our dreams. Their crises become our crises...Their pain, our pain. I became emotionally and physically exhausted as I watched my husband descend into a pit that I could have lead me to the bottom if I allowed it. I was trying to live the lives of two people--his life and my life---one always got shortchanged, and it wasn't his.
I am experiencing all of these feelings now that I have taken a long time to carefully avoid. I found Al Anon immensely helpful...slowly, I am untangling my life, trying to live it one day at a time. I don't look to tomorrow because I can only handle today. Al Anon has a meeting locator on their site. You will find that meetings are going on all over the place...I see you live in Florida, as I do...Al Anon is full of people who understand what you are going through. In the beginning, it was one of the few place that I found serenity.
That is where I started...Slowly I am learning that life can be beautiful again. Please keep coming back and posting...I hope you find the meetings as helpful as I have.
Love and peace,
Silver
I am so sorry for your pain. I understand. My husband and I have also split. We were together for over eight years, and I did so much with him and for him that I was (and still am--but getting better) unable to distinguish where he ended and I began. Their lives become our lives. Their hurts, our hurts. Their dreams become our dreams. Their crises become our crises...Their pain, our pain. I became emotionally and physically exhausted as I watched my husband descend into a pit that I could have lead me to the bottom if I allowed it. I was trying to live the lives of two people--his life and my life---one always got shortchanged, and it wasn't his.
I am experiencing all of these feelings now that I have taken a long time to carefully avoid. I found Al Anon immensely helpful...slowly, I am untangling my life, trying to live it one day at a time. I don't look to tomorrow because I can only handle today. Al Anon has a meeting locator on their site. You will find that meetings are going on all over the place...I see you live in Florida, as I do...Al Anon is full of people who understand what you are going through. In the beginning, it was one of the few place that I found serenity.
That is where I started...Slowly I am learning that life can be beautiful again. Please keep coming back and posting...I hope you find the meetings as helpful as I have.
Love and peace,
Silver
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
((((Bumyd)))) I'm sending prayers your way. I too ended a long term relationship a little over 1 year ago and I know at first how devastated I was. I went to my first Alanon meeting then at that time as well. I was terrified to go in because I live in a small town and I knew someone would know me and I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I sat through the whole meeting with tears pouring down and at the end I shared my story and sobbed while doing so. That shocked me because it was the first time in over 18 years that I broke the isolation and told the secret. At the end I said to them, "I need help". I never said that outloud either. They said to me keep coming back, they passed me the tissues, and a few hugged me after the meeting. And I did keep coming back becuase I found a place where there were people that understood the situation and I found out a lot about myself, and I started to heal, get healthy, and get me back.
You have found a great place here. Keep coming back because it works if you work it, and YOU are worth it.
You have found a great place here. Keep coming back because it works if you work it, and YOU are worth it.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
It is very sad when you realize you can not stop your alcoholic from drinking. It's hard not to have the thought that we are not good enough. We ARE good enough. They are just sick enough not to realize how good we are. I've been with mine for eight years and children and it's tough.
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Wow...All of this support, it's overwhelming.
I'm guessing he will be here tonight to get some things. I saw one of his friends drop a trailer off earlier.
I'm gonna have to try and be gone when that happens. My oldest gets home around 5 so hopefully We can get before he comes. It's so hard seeing him....He's not being mean and ugly but just the oppisite, and it makes it so hard to not reach for him to hold. But I know tomorrow would be back to the same thing. I do have 2 boys...11 and 13, and they don't need to be on this ride..and bringing him in and out will do nothing good for them. This is my second husband. My first left when my youngest was 3 months old. I asked them yesterday how they felt about all this..and all either of them said was that it would be weird not having him around because they've gotten use to him being here.
I actually don't know how they remember anything other than him. Gosh it seems like it's been so long.
I actually curl up at the foot of my bed to sleep.....I don't know why I just cant lay in the spot that used to be next to him.
And what's really sad is I have no friends...he never wanted to have anything to do with friends...just wanted to stay home and drink or at work with his buddies and drink////and god forbid me go anywhere without him...so now I have noone to lean on...and gosh I could use a hug
I'm guessing he will be here tonight to get some things. I saw one of his friends drop a trailer off earlier.
I'm gonna have to try and be gone when that happens. My oldest gets home around 5 so hopefully We can get before he comes. It's so hard seeing him....He's not being mean and ugly but just the oppisite, and it makes it so hard to not reach for him to hold. But I know tomorrow would be back to the same thing. I do have 2 boys...11 and 13, and they don't need to be on this ride..and bringing him in and out will do nothing good for them. This is my second husband. My first left when my youngest was 3 months old. I asked them yesterday how they felt about all this..and all either of them said was that it would be weird not having him around because they've gotten use to him being here.
I actually don't know how they remember anything other than him. Gosh it seems like it's been so long.
I actually curl up at the foot of my bed to sleep.....I don't know why I just cant lay in the spot that used to be next to him.
And what's really sad is I have no friends...he never wanted to have anything to do with friends...just wanted to stay home and drink or at work with his buddies and drink////and god forbid me go anywhere without him...so now I have noone to lean on...and gosh I could use a hug
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Have you given any thought to Al-Anon? You could get a hug there, but until then....:ghug3 I know it's not the same but Florida is a long ways from where I am, it's the best I can do.
Oh, and the not having friends...well, that's a way for them to isolate/trick us into thinking, without them, we are nothing. We feel alone, lost, and so we stay. You can make new friends!!!!!!
Oh, and the not having friends...well, that's a way for them to isolate/trick us into thinking, without them, we are nothing. We feel alone, lost, and so we stay. You can make new friends!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
I did go to the al anon website..but I don't recognize the location of any of the meetings.....I live in a small town not much around...I'll look up some of the locations after the boys go to bed tonight.
Thanks for the hug....yeah...It would be nice if we had expandable arms!...hahaha
Thanks for the hug....yeah...It would be nice if we had expandable arms!...hahaha
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