(((bumyd))) No, you are not alone. This is the hardest thing I've ever done as well. You've been with your AH for a long time, and it's hard to make the changes necessary to live a healthy life. It's scary. But- it can be done. My STBXAH left us (me and dd) over a year ago. I am just beginning to really believe that I am better off without him. That's over a year of coming here for support, going to alanon, reading, journaling, counseling- all for ME. You cannot control what you AH does. I hope you will continue to come here for support, and maybe try some other ways of getting stronger. I see you have a teenage son- maybe alateen for him? Take care.