jener81

My fiance recently went to a lakeside cabin with his extended family for about a week. Less than 6 weeks ago he nearly died of alcohol poisoning (2nd suicide attempt of the summer) and was in a coma, on a breathing tube, the whole nine yards.

Now the same family that prayed at his bedside in the intensive care unit, to my horror, actually prepared for him and physically served him margaritas and god knows what else. When my guy told me this and realized how horrified I was, he quit talking but I'm sure there was beer and other things involved. Now this in MY opinion isn't even enabling... it's downright vicious. His rationale is that his family "cut him off" after they decided he'd had enough and then monitored the liquor so he couldn't steal extra.

I feel like I am going crazy, for real. Could people be so toxic to their own family? Is this a twisted dream?

What am I to do, think, etc? How am I to react? I am not to sure I want to marry into a vile family such as this.

Any thoughts/advice warmly welcomed. I am nauseous and numb.
PS He is my 1st ever contact with an alcoholic. I know very little and I come from a family that only uses alcohol for occasional cooking! I am truly lost and truly overwhelmed.

theotherone

I personally, would run as fast as I can in the other direction. I have been with my A for 26 years and if I had the wisdom to identify and recognize the problems you are seeing now...there is no way I would choose it for my future.

Others will be along with their wisdom and experience...keep an open mind to the advice and don't take anything too personal...the people here can be a great help to you!

daisyjen

Oh, wow! Thats pretty sick. And sad.

I got upset when my newly RAH family had the chef at a Japanese restaurant pour cooking alcohol in my husbands mouth. They thought it was funny. My kids were there and were horrified and told me about it later. RAHs brother told our boys to suck it up, it wasnt a big deal. If only his family knew what our kids have gone thru due to their dad's alcoholism. They havent a clue...

Jazzman

Welcome to SR. I remember the 2nd time my ex came home form an inpatient rehab her Father came from out of town to visit. I told him up front this was an alcohol free home and wouldn't you know he would go out to his car for vodka snorts during his visit?

It wasn't hard to see that sobriety for my ex would be extremely challenging. And he is your fiancé? I hope you stick around and learn all you can about addiction. You could be getting yourself into much more than you bargained for.

denny57

It doesn't matter how many margaritas someone prepares for me - I'm the one who has to pick them up and drink them. It's possible he would have prepared them for himself if they didn't do it.

I am not the "beer police" as someone here put it. I'm also not going to change the conventional wisdom on alcohol, alcoholism and "will power."

I think a great example of how the disease can be minimized is in the title of this thread - a MISHAP. Drinking by someone who has attempted suicide doing it is serious business.

All I can change is me. What do I want for my life?

Good luck - the situation sounds toxic.

justaboutus

Do you want to be married to a suicidal alcoholic whose family encourages his behavior? That doesn't sound like anyone I want to be married to. Run for the hills, girl.

Learning how

Sounds like his family does not understand the nature of the disease.
My gut reaction is to tell you to run, run far, and run fast.
I know its harder than that but think very carefully, remembering you did not cause this drinking problem, you can not fix it.
:praying

theotherone

...and if you choose to take it on, you can't control any of it!

Believe me...cause I'm the queen of trying!

LaTeeDa

If someone wants to drink, they will. Doesn't matter if others are encouraging it, or discouraging it.

So, knowing that he wants to drink, although he obviously has problems related to drinking, what will you do?

L

isitme

This is tough. I don't think what his family did is right, but other posters are right too. He made the choice to drink those drinks and nobody can really police him. I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted to go or have been comfortable if everyone around him changed (not drinking) just to keep him in check.

As far as getting married, I wouldn't. First of all aside from the drinking problem this is a man who has attempted suicide twice in the last 3 or 4 months? Wow! There's more than just an alcohol issue here and he probably needs some serious help. Just remember.. anyone who doesn't love themselves can't love you. Is that they way you want to enter a marraige?

suzieq1972

If you think he may have a problem and/or his drinking is a problem for you, I would not marry him. If he has a problem it will only progress and get worse. It could be next year, it could be 20 years from now. I wouldn't wait to find out.

Sounds like a very interesting family.




Sue

Barbara52

I sure wouldn't! Not even so marry into the family but knowingly marrying a suicidal alcholic who doesn't choose to get into recovery even after almost dying because of his choice to drink. Nope. I would run away. Very fast.

TTOSBT

Seriously, I would run so fast!
Okay, his family is just ignorant.
But the fact that your fiancee is willing to drink less than 6 weeks after dying from alcohol, that is so terrifying.
I can not believe that you even are considering spending your life with this man. It sounds like heartbreak after heartbreak. Take care of you!

hadenoughnow

I had an accidental alcohol poisoning incident when I was 21. I was inexperienced with drinking and did a bunch of shots at a party (I only weighed 100 lbs)and ended up in the hospital with a BAC of .32 and had to have my stomach pumped (I was ok after 8 hours and was able to walk out on my own). I am not an A and while I do drink socially now, I could not even stand the smell of alcohol and didn't have so much as a single drink for 2 years. It sounds like your financee needs help.

sketscher

it indeed was his choice to drink and to do so after nearly dying is horrific on it's own.

BUT WTF? how could a family actually hand it to him. That whole family needs serious help. Surely they have to realize the severity of his problem, but somehow they are rationalizing that they can teach him moderation.

I have no real advice for you. But I'd think it's unwise to marry this man.

Bernadette

Could people be so toxic to their own family?

Yes. All the time!! Believe it. Don't rationalize it or deny it!!

Read lots of threads on here and you can gather some real information to consider when deciding whether to marry him, and some prime examples of how toxic people can be to their own families!!

Ultimately it comes down to you and what you want out of YOUR LIFE. It may seem painful right now to leave him and change course but - it pales in comparison to the painful nature of an alcoholic marriage. Alcoholism is a family disease. It infects the entire family and messes with everyone's head. Seriously.

You are free in this moment!!

Peace,
B.

zoecomet

Some families think they are helping by policing or that its normal, especially if they are all drinkers or substance abusers too. When my boyfriend called his ex-in laws to tell them that he felt their daughter (his ex) needed help after a 3 day coke binge, follwed by a weekend of drinking while she was supposed to be looking after their son (they have joint custody), her parents responded that while her behaviour was a concern, addiction runs in the family and there isn't much they could do.

But the other posters are right....in the end we make the choice to drink or not to drink.
What concerns me more is that your fiance seems to be on a downward spiral and as much as I know you love him, you will go down with him if you do not distance yourself. Would you marry him if yu knew he was carrying on a relationship with another woman for the last year? Probably not. In away, his addiction is like that-it is something that is preventing him from giving himself fully to you and its not something you can ever really compete against and win. He needs to take care of himself before he can start a life with you.

jener81

Thank you all for your support and kind words. Some of what you've said was shocking and surprising and some of it was making light of things I've been thinking in the back of my head for a long, long time.

The family thing is just SO confusing to me. Like my toddler has asthma. But people in my family are heavy smokers. When we're visiting and on Holidays and stuff those people are kind enough to not smoke. They're selfless and thoughtful of my sons needs. They know smoke is harmful to him, so they sacrifice for him. Why can't my guys family do the same? Are they so self centered they cannot have *ONE* stinking sober get together? I mean for Gods sake he really truly almost died.

And as wrong as I know it is, I still wonder if I can fix him. Keep him from money, cars, bad influences, spend every waking moment keeping him busy and occupied... eventually the cravings will subside enough for him to see clearly.

I hate that I love him. He only loves me about 1/2 the time. But I love him completely.

Barbara52

Just what is it you love about him? The little you have written doesn't give any indication of what makes he so loveable that you are willing to risk your future with him. heck you even say he only loves you half the time.

As for his family, it's quite possible a number of them are also alcoholics. And as such, they see nothing wrong with their behavior or his. Regardless of the fact that at the very least your fiance is killing himself.

Bottom line is you cannot change him, cure him or control him.

Having been thru marriage to an alcoholic, I now know I do not want to control another adult. That is not what adult relationships are about in my opinon.

BohemiMamaof3

Please go back and read thru this thread, then re-read your comment right above me. I think the 3rd strike is when you wrote, "He only loves me 1/2 the time, I love him all the time." Paraphrasing.
Strike one: Suicide by alcohol.
Strike two: Dysfunctional, enabling family.
Strike three: Bad love.
He's out. Do yourself a big favor, love yourself completly and don't settle for someone who doesn't love you completely.