jener81

I am holding onto and remember how he used to be and how he could be again. He was amazing. And he has amazing potential. I refuse to stop believing he can be that person again. The real man I love, not the dull vacant stare he is some of the time these days.

jener81

It really does complicate things that I genuinely do not understand alcoholism. It's so complex and deep... it's a learning process I am working on.

Bernadette

And as wrong as I know it is, I still wonder if I can fix him. Keep him from money, cars, bad influences, spend every waking moment keeping him busy and occupied... eventually the cravings will subside enough for him to see clearly.

I hate that I love him. He only loves me about 1/2 the time. But I love him completely.

I refuse to stop believing he can be that person again.

If this were the cooking channel -- I'd say this episode would be called "Recipe for a Lifetime of Misery"

jener-- read around this forum...do a search for the thread about "potential" and one about "addicted to fantasy" - re-read what B-52 and Bohemi just posted.... and know that if you have a child and this is the family you are bringing this child of yours into that they will have an influence on him as well.

Alcoholic families where no one is in recovery and everyone is in denial are living in a sick toxic family culture, a very pervasive, thick, hard to resist tortuous culture. You will be exposing your innocent son to some really warped ways of thinking and behaving and of looking at adult relationships.

And people pretending it's all OK!!!!

Do you want him to learn that men only love women 1/2 time? While women spend their heart and souls and energy in a futile and life-draining dance trying to "fix" men who do not want to be fixed?

Peace,
B.

BohemiMamaof3

Life is a long and winding road, even under the best of circumstances most people meet an average potential rather than an amazing one. You add the fact that he is not wanting to meet that potential, only you are. Add to the fact that he is actively running in the opposite direction. Successful people want success for themselves and then act and work to acheive it, nobody else can do it for them. What I want to know, is why is a fabulous, loving person like you is not running after her own amazing life and instead is hanging around a self-destructive beau and his family?

Bernadette

Hi jener--
here's the one on fantasy...I can't find the one yet on Loving his "Potential" but if I do I'll bump it or post it to you--

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...fantasies.html

Good Luck--
B.

denny57

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

It's in the Stickys - Classic Reading

Freedom1990

Oh my, are you sure we aren't related?!

I refused to stop believing too, for five very loooooooong years.

Yep, I even married the guy because he had 'potential', I had seen a kinder gentler man, and I was convinced I could fix him. If I just loved him enough, was understanding enough, was kind enough, was at his beck and call, used/drank with him, tried to control his drinking/using, overlooked all the infidelities (which started prior to the marriage), ad infinitum nauseum, I could fix him.

I was so sick that when he eventually started pounding my head into walls, body-slamming me to the floor, throwing me down the basement steps, stealing my entire check and leaving me and my very young daughter with no food, working sporadically until he finally gave up working completely, took my car for days on end and left me to walk everywhere, that I thought I deserved that.

He was glad to tell me that too.

I finally left because he was going to end up killing me one of those times, and I had just gotten myself clean/sober in rehab.

The problem was I never addressed just why I 'loved' that man so much, so I continued to make the same mistake over and over and over.

Oh, I rationalized that none of them were screaming, hallucinating, psychotic alcoholics/meth addicts like he was, but every one of them was emotionally unavailable at best, and emotionally abusive at worst.

I lived 13 more looooooooong years like that.

Maybe that's your future too?

I sincerely hope not.

Oh, and that alcoholic/addict that I married? He was buried last year at the tender age of 47 due to complications from AIDS. He contracted it while sharing needles with another female while I was in rehab.

I missed getting that little 'gift' from the man I 'loved' by about 2 weeks.

Pretty grim eye opener, isn't it? This disease does kill, and you don't even have to be the one drinking.

windingroad

Hi Jen,
There's a lot of concern and love for you in all the posts.

I'm not sure anyone who loves someone completely can make a rational, intellectual decision to walk away. So my guess is that you are probably nowhere near ready to do that. And especially because of his 2 suicide attempts. Alcoholism aside, it is RARE someone breaks up with a person who is suffering suicidal depression. Certainly rare within weeks of the attempt(s).

He is an addict, with severe depression, distorted thinking, and a family which, as was noted earlier, is likely infected by other alcoholics. (Too early maybe for you to spot which ones). They are threatened by non-drinkers and they will sabotage recovering people in order to maintain the status quo.

Jen, my suggestion is that you get to counseling ASAP, if you aren't already there. And that you not cut off contact to your AF abruptly, more for your emotional protection right now, because if he succeeds at a 3rd suicide attempt, in spite of logically knowing you did not cause it, you might still struggle with tremendous guilt.

A good counselor will be able to steer you through this rocky road. It will take some time.

Wishing you a happy outcome, Jen.

jener81

Everyone's posting here has really opened my eyes that just like I couldn't cure his eye color or a tumor with love... nor could my love cure his alcoholism. I am good and ready to walk forward alone and safe. Maybe not happy but SAFE and drama free. He's free to finish wrecking his own life but I am only 26, I don't wanna end up with HORRIBLE HORRIBLE stories like I've been reading on here.. I do not want endings like that. I am bowing out gracefully (changing phone number, email address, the locks perhaps) and we briefly have discussed that being "just friends" wont work because of the problems and the history. He creates pain for whoever he's with. Family, friend, fiance, acquaintances, etc.

My hurdle now is not backtracking and missing him and falling back into the same yucky pattern. I don't want to watch him die. I don't want that trauma lodged in my brain for the rest of my life.

thank you all you sweet people... I am truly in awe of how kind and open everyone is. you don't see that a whole lot these days.

FormerDoormat

I thought I loved my alcoholic boyfriend completely, too. But it was just magical thinking on my part. Today I choose to live in reality and my life is so much better. I fell into the same trap by focusing on my boyfriend's potential. It kept me stuck in a miserable relationship for 25 years. Here's another thread on potential:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html