Abundance

The thing about being in a long distance relationship with an addict and then moving in with a recovering addict that relapses is that I can not hide my emotions. The pain it brings me - the crazy it makes me - the sadness - the hurt - the kind of pain that hurts so bad it hurts me physically. I could hide the shame and humility I feel that I re-act this way. It's like I have no self - worth. EVEN though I know now about the 3 C's......... and to not take it personally, but am not able to do that. I go crazy and totally whacko. It affects me in such a horrible way. And he is seeing it all now!

I KNOW he has to want this for himself... and he has to not use...... he is telling me that he is going to get help, but in the mean time... lets just have a good time. I cannot bring myself to having a good time with him. He is now looking after me and totally freaked out that *this* is how I react to addiction. He told me that he was very scared for me... on Tuesday how I reacted. Like 5150. But that is my

So....... while I am going to be going through this with or without him..... fine...... let him see this and yes I am trying to not feel this way. And that way is al-anon. I don't need to be told what to do. I bloody KNOW what I should do....... I just need to hear other people's shares. I am also listening.... listening to what the universe is telling me. It has already told me so much.... and I'm finding healing in it. And I'm feeling through music and it is healing me. That is *my* release through it. But then guess what? I have responsibilities to tend tomorrow and what is going to be my release?
I just need to make it through ...

I am in so much of this... it's like I need HELP! So I know I'm in the right place..... here, alanon, and having a sponsor.

It's interesting..... it's what HE wants. HE WANTS to be able to come to me if he relapses. And while I can TELL he is high.... he has requested that I just mention that he is "acting a bit off", but don't come to him from an accusatory stance and he then won't be forced into lying. THAT IS FLIPPING ABSURD TO ME! So.... he told me that a few hours ago.

You know what...... I am losing my fvcking mind.

Even though I am so shameful of myself right now, I am posting this....... because I want to be reminded just how humiliating and embatressing this "family disease" makes me! And when I look at this, hopefully, I will be at a place of strength, and I will remember, I don't EVER want to feel like this again!

For future reference:
Tues: he relapsed.
Wed: I completely flipped out emotionally...... like not able function with LIFE
Thurs: Because he was showing signs of recovery..... all of a sudden "my" forgetter came in. Where I forgot all about how I was feeling the day before.
Fri: He feels that AA has "failed him" and he is going to do it "his way" now. We go out for dinner and he wants to drink! But doesn't. Personally, I'm "okay"... like "okay" in the sense that I was really glad I was going to an al-anon meeting in the morning! That kind of got me through that night.
Sat: Wake up to Drug Dealer calling while my guy is sleeping and I go to the al-anon meeting instead of basically locking down the house and keeping his mind off drugs - I went to the meeting. And then I got invited out for a girl's "last minute" pampering day. And I thought about it for a few minutes..... maybe I should just go home instead and see if he left back up to the mountains to see his dealer or even better, don't let him go! But then I came to my senses, I can't CONTROL this! So, I went to get a day of pampering and laughed with some good girl-friends. I then spoke to my guy on the phone and he is very down. He got upset with me for throwing the pills out because they were "money". Well, come to find out, he actually OWES the dealer money! So, I made the decision to not come home. I couldn't carry on a conversation about that, it would have ended in me saying well I better pay your drug dealer then! Again..... realized that was stupid, and got off the phone and spent some time trying to get some serenity. The amazing part in that is I wasn't even obsessing over what HE was doing. In fact, I didn't give really that much of a care to it. Because I am so blinking focused on how I am feeling and what I am doing/or going to do... that i can't concentrate on what he is going to do.

Sunday: We talk for half an hour.... and he comes with me to an al-anon meeting, because I want him to know what it is that I am doing to help myself. I just needed that.... I can't explain why... I just did. And so he did. And maybe he walked away with just how to use the best angle to use to manipulate me in a way to enable him. OR maybe he just sees how much that this isn't just his disease, but a family disease? Not that he should take responsibility to how I am feeling, as I shouldn't do the same to him either, but it has to be some kind of an awakening.... ya know? So..... we get home and a couple of hours later he confesses to it while I'm in the middle of making work appointments. He didn't get drunk at the casino last night, he went up and shared some pills with someone (told me I'm being nosy in asking who) - and the supply is low since I threw out those pills I found. Which ticks me off because my snooping was totally out of order and crossing a boundary. I agree it was. That is why I'm in al-anon.... I told him. So that I can learn that it's not the right thing to do! I went on to tell him that my "re-action" to all of this is "MY" disease. It MAKES me un-ethical! That is how I re-act to it. CRAZY. I treat him with no respect, I don't trust... and he says if that is how I'm going to be, then maybe he should just leave. Or get high.... cause he's not high anymore and if I'm going to treat him like he is high, he may as well go get high! But giggled it off. (Guys.... he really is high... if you haven't figured it out by now)..... and I just sat at the kitchen table and begun crying and wanted to leave.

The deal is this: He has to fall on his own... so he has fallen now. I will NOT support his addiction. I will support recovery! Fine, AA didn't work... he over-rid the committee from rehab. There are other ones out there. Just like my dad has cancer, and is now in remission - well he over-rid the committee of chemotherapy... and he went an alternative route. But he DID SOMETHING> that is the *key* thing. He didn't just choose to die.

My guy says that people destroy their lives, but they don't always die. And when I try to tell him about how *they live* in destruction and asking him if he wants that........ it does no good. He won't even hear it. It's like his denial is so gone that he is just going to hang himself in our relationship. It's sad.... it's soooooooo incredibly sad. You know what else is sad, I am thinking about OUR relationship?????!!!!! But its not about our relationship, it's about him....... and it's about me. Just as much as I need help.... so does he.... but I can't make him or will him to it. We are not in a relationship right now - soulfully. My relationships are "soulful"..... why would I be in a relationship with someone where I can not be soulful? Well...... he is seeing my soul.... and it is going to nearly scare him to the point that he leaves to use or get help...... because I am not going to hide from him just how much *I* need help because of this family disease. I need HELP because my actions are of a co-dependent..... just as his actions are so classic of an addict~!

If he thinks I am going to be able to have a good night and listen to him lie on the phone with his friends and be totally high ... and "talk recovery" and how he is going to do it by drinking occasionally now at a ball game etc..... he doesn't need total sobriety ... and how AA and his sponsor failed him .... I'm not going pass judgement on him, I'm just going to ignore it/and or leave. It's painful to hear. Although, while in between he is bringing me little bits of love (while I type this)... while on the phone. I just want to scream to the people he is fooling (who all know about his recovery)... that he has relapsed. He has made it quite clear that I not discuss anything with his friends anymore *even though* they were our support together in the recovery.

So interesting...... all of his rules! Although..... hey ~ ! Just because he is an addict.... it doesn't mean that he loses self - respect on my account! Right?

ya know some of this sounds sarcastic..... or maybe not.... I'm not good with sarcasm.

I'll probably be back........

IPT

Man I feel for you. Frustrating as heck! Sorry, wish I had more for you. Hang in their - hugs coming your way.

lizw

Roar eh?

When I first got together with my last A, he had 'accomadation problems' so I said he could come stay with me for awhile. I had just started going to Al Anon. So 3 months passes and by this stage I am circling to lets for him in the paper but the f**r just won't leave and then one day it all comes to a head and he ends up screaming abuse at me, packing his things, and demands I take him to a backpackers, which I do, then we have this screaming argument outside the backpackers (as in right outside their front door on the porch). Threats of violence were involved of course. So I leave and he stays at the backpackers.

I tell you, I should have left him then.

But of course I didn't because I now believe I suffer from 'relationship addiction' and this alone explains why my head told me it was 'true love'. In my head it's always true love. When I leave a relationship, I go through a type of withdrawl (similar) to the symptoms of withdrawing from a drug. Would I have beleived it then? I dunno.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you have this, what I am saying is 'yeah, those crazy realtionships eh? nothing like 'em.' And unless you've had 'em, you can't even begin to imagin what it feels like.

My al anon sponsor told me her A got so mad at her while they were on holiday he drove off in their rental car and left her in some hick town to fend for herself with virtually no money. I loved to hear her stories. Always made me feel better.

Abundance

My brain is moving so quick right now.... I don't know if any of that made sense. I have got to snap out of this. And I will.... but literally, this is not good for my mental health. It's like I can not deal ... I need some distraction.

Abundance

IPT and Liz...... thanks so much for that reply. THANK YOU

It just helps that you understand where I'm at. It makes me not feel so alone and/or crazy. Like... you are breathing... you are living and you are getting through this..... just like I'm going to do.

Abundance

I am listening to DMB right now..... and Dave is singing so much of my story. He also has strength in his songs.... and they give me that strength.

Kind of like this..... but in this song ... who I'm around is Dave's music..... and friends that love me. But Dave is singing this song to me:

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your times with me
Would you say you're feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See, you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
And so can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but who you're with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you're around

If you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you're missing all the rest
She run up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind's eye is

Seeing things from a
Clearer side than most can dream
On a better road I feel
So you could say she's safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
And hurts not much when you're around

lizw

Here's another one.

1 year later and we are living together (formally).
A buys a boat. Never had any expereince but who needs that?
We tow it down to the jetty, get it in the water and it won't start. It was only a little tin dingy with an outboard motor but no mater what A does he can't start it.

So by this time we are nearly getting swept out of the harbour we're in, towards the ocean, so A jumps out and by some miracle manages to get the boat (with me in it) to the otherside and up on some rocks. The problem now is getting it back across the small harbour type place to it's trailer.

Ta Da! Luck so has it is only a ten minute walk away to a marine shop. So he goes and spends $200 odd dollars on a set of oars, comes back then discovers, rowing isn't at all as easy as it appears on TV and the the oars should actually have some place to rest, rather than just hanging off the side of the boat.

If you've already geussed what happens next, you know A's better than you think, as A takes the oars to the boat in away oars and boats aren't designed for. He smashes the s**t out of the boat with them and then gets highly offended when I climb out of the boat. By this time there is a crowd gathering to watch.

Off I walk and he keeps beating the boat, stopping only to scream at my back, as I leave as fast as possible and I only looked back when stones started dropping in front of me. It was then I discovered, when I did look back, that he was throwing stones at me....like a child.

I was trying to find the WTF icon as it was just mad, mad, mad.

lizw

This is all while he is clean and sober too. Attending AA regulary, has a sponsor etc...

Abundance

Holy Crap Liz....... bless your heart.

Done_With_It

Wow girl, I'm so sorry your going through all this. Sounds pretty heavy.

The only thought that really came to my mind was, sometimes our
battles choose us but then We get to choose our battles.

I remember one time I quit a job I had, decent job, steady pay.
Everyone thought I was crazy. I wasn't being treated up to my
standards. When someone asked why I quit, I said I've learned
what I will accept in my life and what I won't.

When I do, for me it's like committing spiritual suicide and I then turn to look somewhere else to fill me up.

We teach people how to treat us, don't forget that. It sucks but it is true.

Accepting things in our life that our unacceptable to us, does make
us crazy, miserable, unhappy, but that's not all bad, your voice is
telling you to make a change possibly? You deserve better?
Something..... Never settle for less than you deserve.

Again I'm sorry your going through this, I can't even imagine...

Much Love and Light going out to you.. :ghug3

Done_With_It

That is insane!!! I'm glad you were okay through all that!

Abundance

So..... how am I enjoying my night? Because right now I am...

I have DMB blaring and my guy and I are sitting here listening to it and he is letting it in and together we are embracing the music. He has cooked dinner and is now doing the dishes. He also says that he told his friend on the phone about these 2 relapses. Right away I wanted to text the friend to verify, but I'm not going to. I can do this by seeing action..... not by going behind his back and making me crazy.

Grant it..... this is all him while he is high. That makes me sad, but I'm not going to think about it. But be grateful that I am enjoying my night and I'm doing what *I* want to do! Because again, while this is my favorite band I don't get to do this..... and I get to because he is high!

Another thing to remember........ his addiction brought him low enough to go through the garbage can looking for the pills. Apparently there is a huge family of nasty maggots at the bottom???? So he said in a few days that he will clean it. I simply suggested that he do it tonight...... because he has so much energy!!!!! But I guess it does make sense to wait until after Tuesday morning when the garbage has been collected. And he told me that I should really have told him which garbage I threw it out....... that wasn't very nice of me. Cause I could have saved him from having to do that. I'm glad he was half joking...

Also, another reminder as i'm in the throws of it........ when he is high he is very affectionate and loving...... no wonder it worked when long distance! This all reminds me of just like months ago when I didn't understand how happy and excited he was to see me and how he treated me and then if stayed a few days past his stash allowance, he started retreating and itching to leave and head back home to the mountains! It wasn't because he has just gone off me .... it's not because of ME.... it's cause he knew that he was not feeling good and needed his fix! He wanted to feel happy..... and as hard as I wanted to be "enough"....... I couldn't be. Just like I'm not enough now, but that is the nature of this disease. It's not my problem... I'm okay..... so when he is without drugs it's not because he is unhappy with me! So, to help remedy that thought process, I asked him if he will realize that the reason why he will be feeling low in the days ahead is the "come down"..... and he said he didn't do enough and that he knows his body, that he won't be in that. (yet he was just there yesterday and Friday?) He has lost his sense of reasoning. So.... there is no reasoning with someone who is not reasonable. So.... I have to remember all this so that when that come down phase happens. It's not my fault and it's what is supposed to happen. JUST LIKE IF HE USES AGAIN...... he does 1 of 2 things - SLE or he is dead to me.

yeah okay... it has only been 2 since rehab discharge.... is 2 too many for me or him? We have different feelings on that. But there is no compromise. I have finally made my boundary..... even better.... I have SAID IT! And I'm saying it here, and I have said it to him and his parents. Just so we are all on the same page.

Abundance

I'm starting to feeling guilty for being so b!tchy..... this a b!tch post isn't it?

Writing this all out is good because it is healing for me, but then also because when that "forgetter" comes back into play....... my dear friends, this post needs to be bumped!

Interestingly, I have new developments... this night has been full of so many developments!

I just told him that he is more interested in sex and feeling affectionate when he is high, and his response said he was actually just testing me to see if it's really true .... that I don't find him sexy when he is high, opposed to how I am when he is in recovery! Glad he notices that because he is 100% correct... that is absolutely true!

IPT

No, not bitchy at all. I too feel better when I write. This place has been great for me. Good job on setting the boundary. I have set a few then pulled back. Bit off more than I was ready to chew. This weekend though when she said she wanted to come over Sunday (after blowing me off to use Friday and Saturday) I said "no". That I did not want to be her 2nd choice at the end of the weekend.

It is a roller coaster from he** for sure. It is downright painful and sad as could be. Hope it keeps going good for you. Especially in the AM.

Abundance

Another reason why and how I have relapsed.

I see him walk down the street on the phone and I catch up to him to see who he is on the phone with. He tells me "marcie"... and I say oh! Hey marcie! so she could hear me. When she and him last corresponded she told him she wants to meet me if he ever brings me to his home town! Well, I never met her... and he just jumped out of his skin when I told her hi. The next response was telling her my name and then asked her where she was moving to. She obviously picked up on his nervousness with saying who he was. Literally he got really nervous that I had done that! And then she hung up on him. So... she doesn't know about the latest, she is one of those friends that he only talks with when he is high. What happened.... I'm not good enough anymore to hang out with? You have to sneak off to make a call in hiding away from me? I have to remember..... I can't take this personal.

Do you see just how crazy this makes me? If we were long distance, he didn't get to see me obsessing over what he is doing when he is high! Now he does, and he is. I'm not saying my behavior is right.. it IS totally completely crazy! This time last week.... when there was not addiction, was I this crazy? Nope. I even got a call this time last week by someone pranking my cell phone saying she was his wife and they had a 4 year old son together who missed his father very much. And that I was a home wrecker. Don't know who made that prank call, it could be anyone, but I know it's not true. How do I know that? Well - there is just no way it's true. Seriously it was a prank call..... but wouldn't seem so far stretched right now considering how I'm feeling. Ya know? My jealousy and distrust has come back so quickly. A week ago today when he hadn't used for 60plus days... I would have not even cared that he was walking down the street on the phone! And certainly would not have followed him!

He relapsed, and so did I.

Abundance

Thanks...... I was just apologizing to him for being so codie crazy and he asked me to pull myself together and not freak out anymore because he is starting to lose the energy to make me feel better. So I better pull myself together.

Yeah this boundary thing really sucks. But we just have to stay getting help through it all, because it's when we just sit by and not get the help we need, it gets worse. So, imo, alanon teaches me that I am worth more... and that I have a choice to stop it... but the only way I'm going to stop it is when the pain gets more with staying than leaving. Because I know the pattern... intellectually I get it... but I'm just not smart enough to actually make it happen. So I recognize that and that is why I am getting the courage to ask for help. And I'm going to get that by the ESH of SR and al-anon.

Yesterday I felt like I was sabotaging our relationship by getting help. I actually shared that with the group.... and I know that is totally un-healthy.... and that is why I'm getting help, and requesting some enlightenment. How in the heck is it by me getting some help for all of this lousy behavior that I am sabotaging our relationship when I am bettering myself? So.. I hear that means then that I am really not sabotaging our relationship! That works for me!

Isn't it sad that I have to write all of this out when someone who is stronger wouldn't be acting this way and / or wouldn't even be in this predicament to begin with.

Time2Surrender

Im too tired to read all this. I read a little. As a recovering addict myself, all I can say is recovery is NOT for people who want it. Its NOT for people who need it. Recovery is for people who do it. It takes a lotta hard work. If your S. O. isnt willing to do it, run. Take care of yourself.

Done_With_It

******...}}}

itisatruth

Glad you have DMB to help get you through all this ****. For me, I have different playlists based on what I feel like.......I have angry music, sad music, and calm music -- ready for whatever the occasion calls for (I do have "happy" music too, somewhere...). Tonight it is calm music to handle the stress since my AH left for detox and used mortgage money to pay for it. Hey, its only our home right! I'd feel better about the detox if 1) it wasn't the 4th time he's done it in the last 1.5 years and 2) he actually wanted to do it (his doctor cut him off). Oops, got carried away....

Back to you: b*tch all you want --- sometimes we just need to do that. I just read a new post by you.....I'm so sorry things are still crazy for you right now. All these triggers are taking you back so fast to where you were before. I know you work tomorrow, but can you get some time for yourself -- away from him? Even if its just a long drive blaring DMB......something to help you regain your focus. Or, you could just get a punching bag (wink). I just worry about your level of stress. I wish I knew what to say to help more. I will say this: I hope you can "feel" all the support you have here on SR. I appreciate all the positive thoughts, prayers, and words of wisdom you've sent me.....you can get back to that place, no matter what.

itisatruth

You are smart and strong. Whatever it is that has kept us in these relationships so long, is something else within us -- but it takes a lot of strength to live through some of the things we have been faced with. Now, I don't know exactly what it is .... I just know that beating myself up for it isn't going to help (trust me I have done that). SO, look at the progress you have made...and know that you will continue to make progress.