Welcome to *my* personal relapse journey........
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Originally Posted by Time2Surrender 
Im too tired to read all this. I read a little. As a recovering addict myself, all I can say is recovery is NOT for people who want it. Its NOT for people who need it. Recovery is for people who do it. It takes a lotta hard work. If your S. O. isnt willing to do it, run. Take care of yourself.
Saying it and doing it is one thing... all in his own time. He has to "just do it"..... if only it was that easy..... just to "do it"....... but it's NOT. But him doing it ... being in recovery I am so proud.
I'll be proud of him again when he hits it back up again. And now that I know my boundaries and it's how obvious that I cope with this ... if that is how you want to call it.... coping???
But I should be able to cope whatever he decides..... it's like I lose all of my coping mechanisms when he relapses. I told myself I wasn't going to lose my recovery if he did...... that I am armored with my recovery! Well, since this has happened.... since these now 2 relapses (less than 4 days apart)... I have been to 4 al-anon meetings! I'm also starting step 1 work on Thursday morning with my sponsor!
Thank you for showing me what an RA looks like! (While my guy is next to me falling asleep mid sentence and scratching like he has fleas).
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Truth...... I can get back to that place! YES!!!!! Thank you!!! I can... I know I can.... and it is because I do feel the support here.... I feel the support in these rooms..... and while I have these roller coaster of emotions right now... I am in the right place to work through it. In all this madness, I feel blessed.
I am just grateful my boys are not home tonight.... but I have to pull my socks up because they come home tomorrow morning. I will be working my recovery, putting my focus where it needs to be..... let my guy worry about himself and ...........say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean. In everything right now. I keep saying the serenity prayer and those 3 C's.
At the al-anon meeting my guy bought me the book "Courage to Change"... I already tomorrow's words, and they applied to me so much today! I can't wait to read it again!
Just read your second post... so you really think I have made progress? I think I have in a sense that I'm helping myself. But I'll be honest... I'm a little worried about re-reading this thread in the morning. Seriously, I feel like I my level of insecurity and trusting him has gone so far down the drain..... that I feel worse about myself. Which again just reinforces me to know that I can LIVE and DO honesty - not lies. I can LIVE and DO recovery - not addiction. It's like an allergy ...... I have an allergy to addiction and lies. It makes me hate myself to the point that I don't want to look at myself that I consume myself with what the other person is doing because I can't even stand to look at what my part is! And then I look at my part in it... and I am disgusted that I'm even playing the part! Which is pushing me closer and closer to my bottom.
I told my guy my "story" of co-dependence today. It's literally a story... like an addict/alcoholic would give. And next ... and next....... and next...... and then FINALLY I hit my bottom! For example... instead of it being that I was jumping from one DOC to another..... I was jumping from one addict to another..... same results... just different high.
I am just grateful my boys are not home tonight.... but I have to pull my socks up because they come home tomorrow morning. I will be working my recovery, putting my focus where it needs to be..... let my guy worry about himself and ...........say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean. In everything right now. I keep saying the serenity prayer and those 3 C's.
At the al-anon meeting my guy bought me the book "Courage to Change"... I already tomorrow's words, and they applied to me so much today! I can't wait to read it again!
Just read your second post... so you really think I have made progress? I think I have in a sense that I'm helping myself. But I'll be honest... I'm a little worried about re-reading this thread in the morning. Seriously, I feel like I my level of insecurity and trusting him has gone so far down the drain..... that I feel worse about myself. Which again just reinforces me to know that I can LIVE and DO honesty - not lies. I can LIVE and DO recovery - not addiction. It's like an allergy ...... I have an allergy to addiction and lies. It makes me hate myself to the point that I don't want to look at myself that I consume myself with what the other person is doing because I can't even stand to look at what my part is! And then I look at my part in it... and I am disgusted that I'm even playing the part! Which is pushing me closer and closer to my bottom.
I told my guy my "story" of co-dependence today. It's literally a story... like an addict/alcoholic would give. And next ... and next....... and next...... and then FINALLY I hit my bottom! For example... instead of it being that I was jumping from one DOC to another..... I was jumping from one addict to another..... same results... just different high.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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With my son, I found that I could not live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time, it just wasn't possible.
We cannot pull them out of the hell they have entered, but it doesn't mean we have to walk into hell with them. Finding my own light, surrounding myself with my support, helped me rekindle my light and I hope that one day he sees it and follows it also to the better path.
I know the pain in your heart, I know how much you want everything to be "okay" and I know that you know what you need to do, and that it just takes time and enough pain before you do it...just like it will for him.
Sending hugs and big prayers for both of you. Addiction strikes right to the soul, and that's where we need to keep the light shining if we are to step out of the darkness once more.
Hugs
We cannot pull them out of the hell they have entered, but it doesn't mean we have to walk into hell with them. Finding my own light, surrounding myself with my support, helped me rekindle my light and I hope that one day he sees it and follows it also to the better path.
I know the pain in your heart, I know how much you want everything to be "okay" and I know that you know what you need to do, and that it just takes time and enough pain before you do it...just like it will for him.
Sending hugs and big prayers for both of you. Addiction strikes right to the soul, and that's where we need to keep the light shining if we are to step out of the darkness once more.
Hugs
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Addiction strikes right to the soul, and that's where we need to keep the light shining if we are to step out of the darkness once more.
I remember reading something about living one foot in addiction and one foot in recovery.... something of the like..... was it you that said it? I can't remember what it is. But you are absolutely correct. I truly am not able to have sanity in addiction..... I can try while in al-anon tho.
Oh this is funny..... I was out with some girl-friends and they all were drinking, I was driving and I didn't drink. Honestly, it's not because of just all this going on, I just am genuinely not a big drinker, and to be even more honest, I'm scared to look at "checking out via substances" it seems like not a good idea right now... but anyway.... my fortune said "drink to your health"........ LOL..... the only al-anoner gets THAT one! hahahahah! hmmmmmmmmmmm
okay okay..... maybe you had to be there
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Originally Posted by Done-With-It
Wow girl, I'm so sorry your going through all this. Sounds pretty heavy.
The only thought that really came to my mind was, sometimes our
battles choose us but then We get to choose our battles. ABSOLUTELY!!!! IN THE REALM OF ADDICTION AND CO-DEPENDENCE!
I remember one time I quit a job I had, decent job, steady pay.
Everyone thought I was crazy. I wasn't being treated up to my
standards. When someone asked why I quit, I said I've learned
what I will accept in my life and what I won't.
DONE.... THAT IS INSPIRATIONAL!!!!
When I do, for me it's like committing spiritual suicide and I then turn to look somewhere else to fill me up.
We teach people how to treat us, don't forget that. It sucks but it is true.
Accepting things in our life that our unacceptable to us, does make
us crazy, miserable, unhappy, but that's not all bad, your voice is
telling you to make a change possibly? You deserve better?
Something..... Never settle for less than you deserve.
Again I'm sorry your going through this, I can't even imagine...
Much Love and Light going out to you.. :ghug3
The only thought that really came to my mind was, sometimes our
battles choose us but then We get to choose our battles. ABSOLUTELY!!!! IN THE REALM OF ADDICTION AND CO-DEPENDENCE!
I remember one time I quit a job I had, decent job, steady pay.
Everyone thought I was crazy. I wasn't being treated up to my
standards. When someone asked why I quit, I said I've learned
what I will accept in my life and what I won't.
DONE.... THAT IS INSPIRATIONAL!!!!
When I do, for me it's like committing spiritual suicide and I then turn to look somewhere else to fill me up.
We teach people how to treat us, don't forget that. It sucks but it is true.
Accepting things in our life that our unacceptable to us, does make
us crazy, miserable, unhappy, but that's not all bad, your voice is
telling you to make a change possibly? You deserve better?
Something..... Never settle for less than you deserve.
Again I'm sorry your going through this, I can't even imagine...
Much Love and Light going out to you.. :ghug3
I am ready for a change. It would be so nice for all of this to be a bad dream and that we are in recovery again together! But the truth is..... if nothing changes - then nothing changes. I told him tonight how sad I am for him that him picking up again puts him at risk of losing what he says is the one good thing he has in his life.... our relationship. But I can't even save our relationship for him.... and I'm in it! Ya know? I can only save myself! If he wants to save our relationship then he is going to have to make changes ....
I feel as though I enabled his using the most by always taking him back and I'll be damned to keep "enabling him killing himself". That is how I have to look at it every time I stay with him in addiction. Also, look at what it's doing to me? I don't eat..... I don't sleep ... I smoke too many cigarettes... I totally lose sight in looking after myself. I'm not wanting to sound like I am blaming him.... I'm not.... I'm blaming this disease! I can't fix him, I can only fix myself.... so it's time I get a fix'n.
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Abs - one thing that I have learned just this last week with AH being in rehab is that even though HE was the one taking the pills, they were making ME crazy. Talking to AH clean and sober is night and day from the last 8 years of my life. All the lies, all the bs, all the crazy talk from HIM made ME crazy. It was like trying to reason with something that you can't reason with. You are taking all of his crazy talk and trying to rationalize with him. It cannot be done when he is actively using.
I see your mind swimming - I KNOW the feeling all too well. The floundering, the chaos, the thoughts that just won't stop. Trying to focus on a train of thought, a direction. Trying to grasp anything stable to stop the spinning. I KNOW that feeling, I fight it every day even now. You are expending so much energy on him. Think back to when he was in rehab and clean. Wasn't he a different person? A person you could reason with, not someone you had to micromanage? Take care of YOURSELF. Even if that means telling him to leave until he gets clean. You can very easily go crazy with all of this. Hugs to you girl, try to pull yourself out of the hurricane instead of trying to stop it. You'll only end up in its path of destruction.
I see your mind swimming - I KNOW the feeling all too well. The floundering, the chaos, the thoughts that just won't stop. Trying to focus on a train of thought, a direction. Trying to grasp anything stable to stop the spinning. I KNOW that feeling, I fight it every day even now. You are expending so much energy on him. Think back to when he was in rehab and clean. Wasn't he a different person? A person you could reason with, not someone you had to micromanage? Take care of YOURSELF. Even if that means telling him to leave until he gets clean. You can very easily go crazy with all of this. Hugs to you girl, try to pull yourself out of the hurricane instead of trying to stop it. You'll only end up in its path of destruction.
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Originally Posted by Callie
Abs - one thing that I have learned just this last week with AH being in rehab is that even though HE was the one taking the pills, they were making ME crazy. Talking to AH clean and sober is night and day from the last 8 years of my life. All the lies, all the bs, all the crazy talk from HIM made ME crazy. It was like trying to reason with something that you can't reason with. You are taking all of his crazy talk and trying to rationalize with him. It cannot be done when he is actively using.
I see your mind swimming - I KNOW the feeling all too well. The floundering, the chaos, the thoughts that just won't stop. Trying to focus on a train of thought, a direction. Trying to grasp anything stable to stop the spinning. I KNOW that feeling, I fight it every day even now. You are expending so much energy on him. Think back to when he was in rehab and clean. Wasn't he a different person? A person you could reason with, not someone you had to micromanage? Take care of YOURSELF. Even if that means telling him to leave until he gets clean. You can very easily go crazy with all of this. Hugs to you girl, try to pull yourself out of the hurricane instead of trying to stop it. You'll only end up in its path of destruction.
I see your mind swimming - I KNOW the feeling all too well. The floundering, the chaos, the thoughts that just won't stop. Trying to focus on a train of thought, a direction. Trying to grasp anything stable to stop the spinning. I KNOW that feeling, I fight it every day even now. You are expending so much energy on him. Think back to when he was in rehab and clean. Wasn't he a different person? A person you could reason with, not someone you had to micromanage? Take care of YOURSELF. Even if that means telling him to leave until he gets clean. You can very easily go crazy with all of this. Hugs to you girl, try to pull yourself out of the hurricane instead of trying to stop it. You'll only end up in its path of destruction.
I read this in my courage to change book today..... "There are times when I have to hurt through a situation and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting."
When I told my girlfriend who literally nursed me this weekend what my plan was she told me to get out now and that he was hurting me. My response was..... I'm not really hurting..... I'm not hurting. Well.... the rest of the evening.... I was.... I was just a huge mess.
Today..... my guy is not high... he is engaging with us and he is actually working on a software development project. But he has only been up for a little over an hour now.
It's not like I can talk..... I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night, and I can't really tell you one productive thing I have gotten done today!
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
wow abs, way to work thru your stuff.........it sounds like you are on the way to figuring out what you can and cannot deal with....i'm gonna toss out a suggestion.....how about if for the next five days, M-F, you just simply "obeserve" the abf in action......not have an opinion or external reaction to what he does or does not do....release your hold on HIS recovery of lack thereof.....not a word about meetings, or phone calls, or is he high or where's he going, you just live your life, stay in your sandbox and watch.........think Dianne Fosse and the mountain gorillas....by our actions we reveal our selves.......keep getting yourself to meetings, keep your focus on what makes you tick, what underlying causes send you into orbit....what is your inner voice trying to tell you.
I really like your suggestion. It's sort of in my "plan" already to do just that. I'm going totally hands off the addict. He is either going to do this or he is not. I am powerless in what he chooses to do.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
wow abs, way to work thru your stuff.........it sounds like you are on the way to figuring out what you can and cannot deal with....i'm gonna toss out a suggestion.....how about if for the next five days, M-F, you just simply "obeserve" the abf in action......not have an opinion or external reaction to what he does or does not do....release your hold on HIS recovery of lack thereof.....not a word about meetings, or phone calls, or is he high or where's he going, you just live your life, stay in your sandbox and watch.........think Dianne Fosse and the mountain gorillas....by our actions we reveal our selves.......keep getting yourself to meetings, keep your focus on what makes you tick, what underlying causes send you into orbit....what is your inner voice trying to tell you.
I did what we agreed.... and I told him he seemed off.... not why... nothing... just that he seems off.
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Originally Posted by Callie
Abs - one thing that I have learned just this last week with AH being in rehab is that even though HE was the one taking the pills, they were making ME crazy.
Abundance, hope your meeting is a good one where you hear a message that you need to hear tonight. After so much happening already this week, his being high again is a reminder (not that you needed another) to do your best to do what anvil said.....just be you, detach as best you can tonight and more importantly, don't engage with him in a struggle between what he should do and what he is doing, do what you can for you....sending more hugs your way.
BTW: to answer your question....yes I do think you have made progress. Think of the place you were in before all this happened. I could hear such positive, yet real, words of experience/wisdom from your posts --that had helped you and helped others here as well.
Last edited by itisatruth; 08-11-2008 at 05:07 PM.
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Don't know if you like Jack Johnson, but this is one of my favorites, especially during those times.....It's not exactly a "detach with love" song, but it makes me feel better 
. Hope you like it.
YouTube - Jack Johnson - Sitting, Waiting, Wishing: Album Version (Edited), Closed Captioned
And the lyrics:
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you
I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, fool
. Hope you like it. YouTube - Jack Johnson - Sitting, Waiting, Wishing: Album Version (Edited), Closed Captioned
And the lyrics:
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you
I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, fool
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"GIVE POWER TO YOUR SELF WORTH AND INTEGRITY - YOU ARE WORTH IT!"
I just wrote that on my bathroom mirror!!!!
I was going to say "DO not give power to his addiction!" But I don't want a negative on the mirror. meaning the "not" word. ONLY POSITIVITY!
Truth..... that song has been my ringtone on my cell phone for a few days now LOL! Great minds think alike!
I did hear what I needed to hear tonight. I sat with a woman who has just kicked her OXY addict boyfriend out with a restraining order. Not only that, but this guy used to be involved in the cartel.. and never really has had any clean time..... and is already at that place where my guy hasn't gone YET! She was a reminder to me of the "yets"!
So.. while I cried like a baby saying all these worthless things about myself.. like who in their right mind would allow for an addict to share me and my children's home..... I turned it around and said to myself the above. (that is now on my mirror)......
I will give the power to MY SERENITY.... and I will listen to what I am hearing and what the universe is telling me, I will not say or think bad things about myself.... I will give POWER TO MY SELF WORTH!
I just wrote that on my bathroom mirror!!!!
I was going to say "DO not give power to his addiction!" But I don't want a negative on the mirror. meaning the "not" word. ONLY POSITIVITY!
Truth..... that song has been my ringtone on my cell phone for a few days now LOL!
Great minds think alike! I did hear what I needed to hear tonight. I sat with a woman who has just kicked her OXY addict boyfriend out with a restraining order. Not only that, but this guy used to be involved in the cartel.. and never really has had any clean time..... and is already at that place where my guy hasn't gone YET! She was a reminder to me of the "yets"!
So.. while I cried like a baby saying all these worthless things about myself.. like who in their right mind would allow for an addict to share me and my children's home..... I turned it around and said to myself the above. (that is now on my mirror)......
I will give the power to MY SERENITY.... and I will listen to what I am hearing and what the universe is telling me, I will not say or think bad things about myself.... I will give POWER TO MY SELF WORTH!
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Day 6 after first relapse...... I could only handle living with my ABF for SIX days! I don't know if that makes me strong or weak..... but for the sake of my children it was SIX DAYS TOO MANY!
How can I rationalize this as a mother?
I love my boys so much and I take pride in being a mother. I can't take the risk of screwing them up.... and/or losing them!
I over-heard him say to his father that being a family man wasn't exactly a priority for him anyway.... so he is actually fine with this.
I made the right decision. My taking him back all these times over the past couple of years after he lied and was high..... was enabling his addiction. Isn't that crazy? It's true. I wasn't allowing him to fall.... especially if he says that losing me and "us" is the only good thing he has going for him in his life. Which I can only imagine is probably really not true. Regardless of that, I do love him..... I love him enough to say I can't make you stop.... but I also can't live with addiction. I need you to move out.
He is still denying that he is high today, even though his eyes can NOT lie his use. Pin size pupils 36 hours after use.... is not ..... not being high.
Also, his behavior today was NOT the typical next day come down.
I tried .... I really tried. But after what I heard today in that room..... after he was sneaky with his cell phone tonight..... it's like..... WHAT AM I DOING? I have got to stop the madness!
I love my mate... my twin flame soul mate....... but I HATE addiction and lies MORE! I HATE what it brings out in me and how it makes ME un-ethical.
And I'll close with this.............. my boys DESERVE THIS! My guy deserves this..... and so do I !
Peace xoxo
How can I rationalize this as a mother?
I love my boys so much and I take pride in being a mother. I can't take the risk of screwing them up.... and/or losing them!
I over-heard him say to his father that being a family man wasn't exactly a priority for him anyway.... so he is actually fine with this.
I made the right decision. My taking him back all these times over the past couple of years after he lied and was high..... was enabling his addiction. Isn't that crazy? It's true. I wasn't allowing him to fall.... especially if he says that losing me and "us" is the only good thing he has going for him in his life. Which I can only imagine is probably really not true. Regardless of that, I do love him..... I love him enough to say I can't make you stop.... but I also can't live with addiction. I need you to move out.
He is still denying that he is high today, even though his eyes can NOT lie his use. Pin size pupils 36 hours after use.... is not ..... not being high.
Also, his behavior today was NOT the typical next day come down.
I tried .... I really tried. But after what I heard today in that room..... after he was sneaky with his cell phone tonight..... it's like..... WHAT AM I DOING? I have got to stop the madness!
I love my mate... my twin flame soul mate....... but I HATE addiction and lies MORE! I HATE what it brings out in me and how it makes ME un-ethical.
And I'll close with this.............. my boys DESERVE THIS! My guy deserves this..... and so do I !
Peace xoxo
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by Abundance
Day 6 after first relapse...... I could only handle living with my ABF for SIX days! I don't know if that makes me strong or weak..... but for the sake of my children it was SIX DAYS TOO MANY!
How can I rationalize this as a mother?
I love my boys so much and I take pride in being a mother. I can't take the risk of screwing them up.... and/or losing them!
I over-heard him say to his father that being a family man wasn't exactly a priority for him anyway.... so he is actually fine with this.
I made the right decision. My taking him back all these times over the past couple of years after he lied and was high..... was enabling his addiction. Isn't that crazy? It's true. I wasn't allowing him to fall.... especially if he says that losing me and "us" is the only good thing he has going for him in his life. Which I can only imagine is probably really not true. Regardless of that, I do love him..... I love him enough to say I can't make you stop.... but I also can't live with addiction. I need you to move out.
He is still denying that he is high today, even though his eyes can NOT lie his use. Pin size pupils 36 hours after use.... is not ..... not being high.
Also, his behavior today was NOT the typical next day come down.
I tried .... I really tried. But after what I heard today in that room..... after he was sneaky with his cell phone tonight..... it's like..... WHAT AM I DOING? I have got to stop the madness!
I love my mate... my twin flame soul mate....... but I HATE addiction and lies MORE! I HATE what it brings out in me and how it makes ME un-ethical.
And I'll close with this.............. my boys DESERVE THIS! My guy deserves this..... and so do I !
Peace xoxo
How can I rationalize this as a mother?
I love my boys so much and I take pride in being a mother. I can't take the risk of screwing them up.... and/or losing them!
I over-heard him say to his father that being a family man wasn't exactly a priority for him anyway.... so he is actually fine with this.
I made the right decision. My taking him back all these times over the past couple of years after he lied and was high..... was enabling his addiction. Isn't that crazy? It's true. I wasn't allowing him to fall.... especially if he says that losing me and "us" is the only good thing he has going for him in his life. Which I can only imagine is probably really not true. Regardless of that, I do love him..... I love him enough to say I can't make you stop.... but I also can't live with addiction. I need you to move out.
He is still denying that he is high today, even though his eyes can NOT lie his use. Pin size pupils 36 hours after use.... is not ..... not being high.
Also, his behavior today was NOT the typical next day come down.
I tried .... I really tried. But after what I heard today in that room..... after he was sneaky with his cell phone tonight..... it's like..... WHAT AM I DOING? I have got to stop the madness!
I love my mate... my twin flame soul mate....... but I HATE addiction and lies MORE! I HATE what it brings out in me and how it makes ME un-ethical.
And I'll close with this.............. my boys DESERVE THIS! My guy deserves this..... and so do I !
Peace xoxo
You are absolutely right: you and your boys do deserve this -- a life of stability and happiness, without lies, without insanity, without addiction. I'm so glad you were able to get to this point -- I mean, I know you must be sad about this too, but you are doing exactly what you wrote on your mirror. You are taking your self-worth and not giving it up again for him. I am happy for you and hope to watch as you grow even more in your own recovery.
Hope you can catch up on your sleep very soon....you must be exhausted!
:ghug3
PS: Glad you like the song too, I'm going to see him in concert on the 27th
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Wow, good for you. Sad as it is now I'll bet a sense of peace is not far. I struggle dealing with my g/f but I do find if I can get a little distance then the worrying slows down and anxiety all but disapears. Stand your ground and take care of yourself and the kids.
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He moved out just a little bit of an hour ago. It was quite calm actually - not a fight. I'll fill you in tomorrow........ but now I have got to get to sleep. I am going to have some explaining to do for the boys tomorrow. xoxo
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Abs, you should be proud of yourself. This is a huge and much needed step for you to take. Take care of yourself and your kids - maybe hearing the words about him not being a family man is a blessing in disguise. It enabled you to make some choices. cyber hugs to you girl.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
IPT, Callie, Anvil, and Amy!
Thank you for your encouragement. I went to sleep last night reminding myself that I was going to wake up in my home not feeling all of those things *that brought back so much of a reminder to me of what happens "when nothing changes".... and that I would wake up to my home and health in a place of serenity. It's like I have just taken that cancer.. that poison and have gotten it away from me. It's a feeling of relief. My guy is gone, yes.... but after he relapsed and didn't get right back into recovery.... but just kept on using... I just saw it all happening again right before my eyes.
My oldest boy just turned 10 years old...... I have 8 more years where he is under my roof with my rules...... how can I be true to myself as a mother while allowing drugs... addictions.... lies..... etc. be a part of our life. These boys deserve more than that...... I DO...... and the real weird thing about it at all...... while I have let my guy go to sort this out on his own w/out me enabling him - he just *might* hit his bottom. However, until he does, there is no need for me and my boys to go down with him. My elevator stopped when he was in rehab and I got off of it. He got back on..... what choice he makes now.... has no bearing on me or my children.
I'm going to sit down with the boys and talk with them now.... and let them know that he is gone.... before they start noticing that things of his are missing around the home.
I am also going to an al-anon meeting again at 1pm today..... my home group.... and the last time I was there was last week on Tuesday, where I ran out in the middle of it because I had just received a text that he was back up in the mountains in his car with his drug dealer. (Friend from the intervention pulled up next to him at a stop light, and texted me)....... So I ran out of that meeting...... and I am going back again today at 1pm.
Oh.... also, I read this thread last night from beginning to end. It reassured me that I have most definitely without a doubt made the right decision.
Peace xoxo
Thank you for your encouragement. I went to sleep last night reminding myself that I was going to wake up in my home not feeling all of those things *that brought back so much of a reminder to me of what happens "when nothing changes".... and that I would wake up to my home and health in a place of serenity. It's like I have just taken that cancer.. that poison and have gotten it away from me. It's a feeling of relief. My guy is gone, yes.... but after he relapsed and didn't get right back into recovery.... but just kept on using... I just saw it all happening again right before my eyes.
My oldest boy just turned 10 years old...... I have 8 more years where he is under my roof with my rules...... how can I be true to myself as a mother while allowing drugs... addictions.... lies..... etc. be a part of our life. These boys deserve more than that...... I DO...... and the real weird thing about it at all...... while I have let my guy go to sort this out on his own w/out me enabling him - he just *might* hit his bottom. However, until he does, there is no need for me and my boys to go down with him. My elevator stopped when he was in rehab and I got off of it. He got back on..... what choice he makes now.... has no bearing on me or my children.
I'm going to sit down with the boys and talk with them now.... and let them know that he is gone.... before they start noticing that things of his are missing around the home.
I am also going to an al-anon meeting again at 1pm today..... my home group.... and the last time I was there was last week on Tuesday, where I ran out in the middle of it because I had just received a text that he was back up in the mountains in his car with his drug dealer. (Friend from the intervention pulled up next to him at a stop light, and texted me)....... So I ran out of that meeting...... and I am going back again today at 1pm.
Oh.... also, I read this thread last night from beginning to end. It reassured me that I have most definitely without a doubt made the right decision.
Peace xoxo
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