addict admitting problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: London, England
Posts: 2
addict admitting problem
Hi there, I haven't posted for a couple of years. Had some great advice here in the past and have learnt such alot.
My sister has been using for over 20 years. I only met her 4 years ago as I was adopted but managed to trace her. She told me early on that she was an addict although it took a couple of years for me to realise what that meant in terms of us trying to form a relationship. It meant we couldn't form a "normal" relationship. We have stayed in contact and do talk about our lives, we do say we love each other and I feel there is some warmth from her at times.
But of course, after years of searching, I feel as if I have lost her twice. I used to take the drug lies very personally as I thought it was a rejection of me as a sister more than anything else. She has been honest about her not answering the phone and excuses for not meeting up. She told me that it's only because she is thinking about getting her gear and it's not that she doesn't want to see me. She also says that she can't get herself together to do anything and feels like she's a dead body. She also said in a text that I would have been around her for ages by now if it wasn't for the drugs.
So because she admits she has a problem I guess I don't take it personally now. But of course it's sad - for her and for me. And it's still drugs rubbish but I guess I am dealing with it better now.
I wish I knew what to say to her that didn't sound like a lecture, was useful and didn't make me seem like a doormat. After all, it's me who does the calling and the texting. She does reply but I think contact would dry up if I didn't initiate it.
Is there anything I can do to help her without enabling her?
Thanks for any advice x
My sister has been using for over 20 years. I only met her 4 years ago as I was adopted but managed to trace her. She told me early on that she was an addict although it took a couple of years for me to realise what that meant in terms of us trying to form a relationship. It meant we couldn't form a "normal" relationship. We have stayed in contact and do talk about our lives, we do say we love each other and I feel there is some warmth from her at times.
But of course, after years of searching, I feel as if I have lost her twice. I used to take the drug lies very personally as I thought it was a rejection of me as a sister more than anything else. She has been honest about her not answering the phone and excuses for not meeting up. She told me that it's only because she is thinking about getting her gear and it's not that she doesn't want to see me. She also says that she can't get herself together to do anything and feels like she's a dead body. She also said in a text that I would have been around her for ages by now if it wasn't for the drugs.
So because she admits she has a problem I guess I don't take it personally now. But of course it's sad - for her and for me. And it's still drugs rubbish but I guess I am dealing with it better now.
I wish I knew what to say to her that didn't sound like a lecture, was useful and didn't make me seem like a doormat. After all, it's me who does the calling and the texting. She does reply but I think contact would dry up if I didn't initiate it.
Is there anything I can do to help her without enabling her?
Thanks for any advice x
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The kind of things I've learned I can do that help addicts and alcoholics aren't really satisfying. When you get to the point where she is causing you too much pain and confusion and turmoil, let her go.
Keep yourself from doing things FOR her without her asking for it. It may make you feel better to sometimes tell her that if she ever wants to get clean, that she can come to you and you will try to help her.
Feel free to share your feelings with her, for your own benefit, but I wouldn't expect anything back.
Keep yourself from doing things FOR her without her asking for it. It may make you feel better to sometimes tell her that if she ever wants to get clean, that she can come to you and you will try to help her.
Feel free to share your feelings with her, for your own benefit, but I wouldn't expect anything back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think we often get caught up in between our expectations and reality where the scale usually slides more towards expectations.
Maybe if you examine the kind of relationship you want and wish you had with her and then think of HER ability to meet those thoughts, it may help you get more balanced with this relationship.
Maybe if you examine the kind of relationship you want and wish you had with her and then think of HER ability to meet those thoughts, it may help you get more balanced with this relationship.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
There is really nothing that you can do for after you've told her that you care and are available to help if she ever really wants to get and stay clean. Even that can go horribly wrong, as I've known fellow addicts who continually tell those who love them "OK, I'm ready to get clean. Can I come stay with you and you can help me dry out/keep my from using?" or "I just need $100 for the doctor to get the medicine to get clean." or "I just need you to pay for treatment." Then the friend/family member helps until the addict quickly starts stealing and worrying the friend to death until they totally burned out. I'd rather wait until someone has been clean for a few months before I'd let them come back into my life in a meaningful way. Know what I mean? Especially if you are not experienced with this disease, it can take you for a real ride if you decide to get involved deeply with an addict.
KJ
KJ
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Reading between the lines, it sounds like she is demonstrating as much love as she can, right now by not involving you in her addiction. Not bad, for a long lost sister, enslaved by addiction.
Keep the lines of communication open and accept her as she is.
Keep the lines of communication open and accept her as she is.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome Jabster,
I agree that you have stepped into dangerous territory....dangerous in that you could be emotionally hurt more and more as her addiction progresses, her behavior worsens, and you experience the pain of abandonment.
If, after these years of hoping to find your family and now finally finding her, you are simply unable to let go and release her, no more contact, hoping one day she will get clean and come to you....if that seems too hard, then you might consider a scheduled contact with her every week, a scheduled call you make, even if she doesn't pick up the phone, to let her know how you are, and to stay in touch. No expectations whatsoever that she will respond, and absolutely no expectations that her conversations (if there are any) will be consistent or sane. And no impromptu anything...get-togethers or calls, etc. A solid day and time. "Impromptu" with addicts is asking for trouble.
I suggest this as a possibility because the scheduled call routine is something family members of battered spouses are advised to do, in order to stay in touch with the woman but not enrage the batterer. The scheduled call is not as threatening, not seen as a hint of an underlying agenda. It's just the routine, calling, say, every Thursday morning at 10 just to say hello. In this way, the victim of the domestic violence knows that if EVER she chooses to leave her situation, the family is still right there for her, always has been. The conversation stays light and unemotional.
I would not suggest this scheduled call option for most people in relationship with addicts, as there are too many emotional snares set and waiting to snap due to months or years of the addict/codependent dance. I personally think it best when someone is in active addiction to withdraw from his or her life altogether, until things change for the better.
But....maybe withdrawal would be much too difficult for you. Only you know.
Keep reading and you will find your answers. Just stay safe, don't be naive. Addiction is a dangerous disease.
Bluejay
I agree that you have stepped into dangerous territory....dangerous in that you could be emotionally hurt more and more as her addiction progresses, her behavior worsens, and you experience the pain of abandonment.
If, after these years of hoping to find your family and now finally finding her, you are simply unable to let go and release her, no more contact, hoping one day she will get clean and come to you....if that seems too hard, then you might consider a scheduled contact with her every week, a scheduled call you make, even if she doesn't pick up the phone, to let her know how you are, and to stay in touch. No expectations whatsoever that she will respond, and absolutely no expectations that her conversations (if there are any) will be consistent or sane. And no impromptu anything...get-togethers or calls, etc. A solid day and time. "Impromptu" with addicts is asking for trouble.
I suggest this as a possibility because the scheduled call routine is something family members of battered spouses are advised to do, in order to stay in touch with the woman but not enrage the batterer. The scheduled call is not as threatening, not seen as a hint of an underlying agenda. It's just the routine, calling, say, every Thursday morning at 10 just to say hello. In this way, the victim of the domestic violence knows that if EVER she chooses to leave her situation, the family is still right there for her, always has been. The conversation stays light and unemotional.
I would not suggest this scheduled call option for most people in relationship with addicts, as there are too many emotional snares set and waiting to snap due to months or years of the addict/codependent dance. I personally think it best when someone is in active addiction to withdraw from his or her life altogether, until things change for the better.
But....maybe withdrawal would be much too difficult for you. Only you know.
Keep reading and you will find your answers. Just stay safe, don't be naive. Addiction is a dangerous disease.
Bluejay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: London, England
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your replies and advice.
I think I have learnt enough to know that I can't have a proper relationship with my sister and it's pointless trying to arrange anything with her. It's also very difficult for me to let her go right now. I feel that I need to keep in contact for my own needs, my own sense of belonging. Strangely enough, meeting my sister was the best thing I have ever done - for ME.
I think I will try and phone her about once a month. My expectations are very low - a brief chat would be great but mostly it's a 10 second chat with her saying that she on her way somewhere and she will phone back. At least now I don't expect a call back and when I hear the agitation in her voice I am glad she doesn't call back. So I am learning to look after myself. A couple of years ago this would have really upset me.
I don't want her at my house and I won't give her money. There seems to be plenty of enablers in the family already.
So, yes, that's what I will do. A regular phone call. Whether or not she answers is another thing. I will do what I can manage.
Hugs to you all.
I think I have learnt enough to know that I can't have a proper relationship with my sister and it's pointless trying to arrange anything with her. It's also very difficult for me to let her go right now. I feel that I need to keep in contact for my own needs, my own sense of belonging. Strangely enough, meeting my sister was the best thing I have ever done - for ME.
I think I will try and phone her about once a month. My expectations are very low - a brief chat would be great but mostly it's a 10 second chat with her saying that she on her way somewhere and she will phone back. At least now I don't expect a call back and when I hear the agitation in her voice I am glad she doesn't call back. So I am learning to look after myself. A couple of years ago this would have really upset me.
I don't want her at my house and I won't give her money. There seems to be plenty of enablers in the family already.
So, yes, that's what I will do. A regular phone call. Whether or not she answers is another thing. I will do what I can manage.
Hugs to you all.
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